FIGHTING SPIRIT

The quality of their vocal lessons shot up dramatically as soon as Junsu joined. Their instructor practically fell in love with him at first listen, and immediately requested an increase in their harmonization training so they could break him in. Hyunsoo nim approved, and they got to cut back a little bit on their dance lessons to focus on acapella singing and improving the tones of both their individual and combined vocals. Yunho joked that now he was the one being overshadowed by everybody else, even though he too was still improving along with them, as a necessary part of their sound.

During their break, they called Yoochun to see how his own training was going. “Nevermind that for a second,” Yoochun said impatiently over the speaker. “You haven't said anything at all about whether you guys have schedules around Christmas or not. Will you even be around when I audition?”

“We don't really have anything in particular scheduled,” Yunho said. “But if the contest is on the twenty-second, I'll be at my parents' by then. They want me to come down.”

“My family is also going out of town to see some relatives,” Changmin added. “I can't be there on that day.”

Yoochun groaned. “Come on, guys, I don't want to do this by myself! You've all done this before, and I don't even know what I'm doing here. What if I completely embarrass myself in front of everyone?”

“If you're planning on embarrassing yourself, why would you even want us there to watch, hyung?” Changmin asked. “I guess listening to Junsu laugh at you would be better than complete strangers...”

“CHANGMIN AH!”

“...and it's going to be cold. Aren't they holding the contest at the soccer arena, outside?”

Junsu flicked Changmin on the forehead. “I'll be there, Yoochunnie. Spending Christmas with my family would be a mistake this year, so I was planning on staying in the city.”

Yoochun sighed in relief. “And Jaejoong hyung?”

“I live in the area, of course I'll be there.”

“Good, good. I can do this.” He took a deep breath. “I just don't want to blow it now after the rest of you guys have done so well.”

“You'll be fine,” Jaejoong said. “You've got a good voice.”

“And you me and Changmin have been working on harmonies every time we're home,” Yunho said. “As long as you don't choke, you're going to get in.”

“Thousands of people try to become trainees, and most of them fail.”

“Thousands of people aren't you, Yoochunnie,” Junsu said. “A lot of people try and bank on the fact that sometimes pretty faces get in, even if they can't do much singing. But you can sing. And your face... it's not too bad.”

“Gee, thanks,” Yoochun said.

“If you're worried about the dancing part, just remember all the tricks I taught you, and you'll be fine,” Yunho added. “I taught Jaejoongie, and he made it in without too much trouble.”

“Jaejoong hyung doesn't look like a fish shop worker.”

“Hey, when I said that about you, I was just joking,” Junsu butted in. “As for the smell, we'll just attack you in cologne before you get on stage.”

The other vocal groups were popping into the break room now, so they had to hang up on Yoochun for the time being. He didn't sound fully reassured, but Jaejoong thought he was a little bit like Yunho, who needed to constantly be performing to feel confident about it. Yoochun had a strong personality, the kind that could best be unleashed when there were other people around to appreciate it. He just couldn't see that as well with the four of them gone all the time, but if things went well, that wouldn't be the case for much longer.

Vocal team Chansik, Jongwoo, and Haejin plunked down next to them. “That was the most impossible lesson ever,” Haejin said, dropping his head down onto the table. “Why on earth would we need to know how to rap in Japanese?”

“Because you'll probably wind up debuting in Japan at one point,” Yunho said, patting his head. “Just do your best, and if you need any help, ask your Jaejoongie hyung. He once got locked in a storage room with just his Japanese textbook, and he's quite good.”

“You should tutor us, hyung,” Chansik said. “I just feel like I'm rapping gibberish whenever I try.”

“Chansik ah, Jaejoong hyung probably has enough on his plate,” Jongwoo reminded him. “Don't forget, I'm fluent in Japanese, too, and Shinwon ah.”

“I doubt Shinwon ah will 'help' me. Japanese lessons with him would be like-”

He was interrupted by Shinwon himself and vocal group one walking through the door. Based on his grin, Shinwon had heard exactly what they were talking about, but instead of immediately digging into Chansik, he turned to Jaejoong.

“Jaejoong hyung, Starkiss's maknae was sniffing around the practice room looking for you. At least that's what I think she was doing. You should probably go out to see her?”

“Soorin noona?” Yunho lifted an eyebrow and looked at Jaejoong in confusion. “No one from Starkiss has been around in awhile. What could she want?”

“Ah...” Jaejoong pursed his lips. “She talks to me for... songwriting advice. It's probably about that.”

“But why would she come in the middle of practice?” Chansik asked. “That's odd.”

“Because it's Soorin noona,” Jaejoong and Yunho said in unison. Chansik shrugged; it was a reasonable explanation.

Jaejoong stood up. “I'll just be a minute,” he said. He met Yunho's eyes. He still looked confused, but he gave Jaejoong a nod. Go on ahead.

When Jaejoong found Soorin, she was no longer “sniffing around,” but doing the point dance from Starkiss's last single in front of the practice mirrors. Seeing that made Jaejoong smile; she probably missed promoting, even though she wasn't much of a talker. She lit up when she was onstage singing, if only for a few minutes at a time.

“Soorin noona,” Jaejoong said. “How are you? Is everything okay with Saehee noona?”

She turned around slowly on her toes, like a ballerina. “Saehee unni,” she repeated, as if she hadn't fully processed his question. “Ah yes. You are asking how she is because of the dating stories about her. Saehee unni is very brave, isn't she. But she can be foolish too, even more when she's in love. I think she's both very happy and very sad right now, but she's standing by what her heart chose. But there's nothing to apologize for or to forgive. We'll survive this.” She lowered her voice. “She's not the only one of us who had that secret. Gaeun unni, too. She's been dating her childhood friend back home even when before she was a trainee. Hyunsoo nim knows about it, but it's easier to keep a secret. He goes to university in Seoul, and can see her whenever they're both free. He's just a simple guy. When he stands beside her, he just looks like staff, maybe a relative. Nobody knows a thing.”

Jaejoong was surprised by this. “He's fine with her being famous? He doesn't get jealous or anything?”

Soorin nodded. “You know the Gaeun unni when she's not on camera is different. Her boyfriend knows better than anyone that the Gaeun unni the rest of the world knows is only a little part of her. There's so many other sides that only he gets to see.” She lifted herself on her toes, staring into his eyes. “You'll see soon. A different part of Jaejoong ssi will be born, but there will be other parts of you that only one person will ever really know.”

She extended her hands, revealing a flyer she'd been holding in them. “This was posted in the bookstore I go to,” she said, changing the subject abruptly.

Jaejoong took it from her. There was a picture of the author she'd been watching a few weeks ago on it, as well as details regarding a book signing he was planning for his latest title at the bookstore, which fell shortly after Christmas.

“Soorin noona... you aren't thinking of going, are you?”

“I'm thinking of going,” Soorin said matter-of-factly. “After I talked to you last time, I went through the photo album my mother gave me before going to the hospital for the first time. This was hidden behind one of the photos.” She pulled out a photograph from her purse and handed it to him. In it, there was a man seated at a desk, pecking at a typewriter with his face tilted slightly away from the camera, revealing only his profile. At his feet rested a flood of wadded up pieces of papers, just like the ones Soorin had described before. A baby-- Soorin presumably-- was caught in the act of tearing one into ribbons, her wide eyes alarmed by the camera and the person standing out of the frame.

Jaejoong held it up to the image on the flyer, comparing them. There were similarities in the faces from what he could see, but the past image wasn't clear enough to say for sure. It was enough to raise some questions though, and he was sure Soorin had several.

“Noona... what do you think going to see him will solve? If he knew who you were, wouldn't he have come out of the woodwork when you debuted? Reuniting with his lost daughter would have been a good publicity stunt.”

“Not if his fans found out why his daughter was lost.” She took her photograph back. “I want to look this man in the eye. To say the name 'Soorin' in front of him, and see if it brings back anything. Guilt, remorse, anything. And I want you to come with me.”

“Eh? Me?” Jaejoong's eyes darted around the room, wishing desperately that someone would come out of the break room and save him. A jealous Yunho, a clingy Chansik, and hungry Changmin. He knew he'd said he'd help her, but he hadn't thought that it would involve confronting her estranged father in person. “Can't you... can't you ask Brie noona to do it?”

“Unni has a sweet heart. Too sweet of a heart. If me seeing Park Junho wound up upsetting me, she would punch his lights out. Starkiss does not need that kind of scandal.”

“True... but why... why does it have to be me?”

She tilted her head, as if she'd never thought of the answer herself either. “I won't say it's because you're brave or braver than me. It might be because you're good at having faith. When you believe in someone, they start to believe in themselves, too. At least that's what I've seen from your friends. You're a very dear person to them. I don't usually trust men, but for this, I think I could trust in you.”

He looked at her and her seemingly blank expression and saw only honesty. She means it, he realized. All of it. She doesn't have anyone else like me she can turn to.

“Okay,” he found himself saying. “I'll think about it, at least. All right?”

“That's enough,” she said. She touched his arm. “You haven't written in awhile. You're busy, but I see in your eyes that your same old story is only growing, becoming stronger. You should tell that story. I'll wait eagerly to hear it.”

She her toes again and walked away. No goodbyes, but that was just who she was. Not like a ghost, but just a person who didn't like the act of leaving or being left.

“Jaejoongie?”

He turned around. Yunho was standing there, his arms folded across his chest. Jaejoong had no idea how much he'd seen or heard, but he was sure if he'd been standing there for long, he would have seen him in the practice mirrors.

“What did Soorin noona want?” Yunho asked. “You were talking for awhile.”

Jaejoong opened his mouth, then shut it. The last thing he wanted to do was lie or hide anything from Yunho, but it wasn't his secret to share. She was trusting him, and until she put her demons behind her, he had to live up to that faith.

Still, it was a little against his better judgment when he opened his mouth again. “It was about a song she wants to write,” he said, saying only a very indirect truth. “She needed help.”

Yunho nodded, but he was still frowning slightly. “You help a lot of people,” he said. “Just think about yourself, too. Don't stretch yourself too thin.”

“I won't.” He leaned into Yunho, resting his head against his shoulder. “There will always be enough of me for you.”

“I'm not thinking about myself,” Yunho said, sighing. “You're the one I want to be happy. Come on, Boojae. Let's go back.”

0o0

With their work at the company steadily increasing, December flew right by them. It wasn't long before the end of the month rolled around, and both Yunho and Changmin were getting ready to leave. “I hate that we can't spend Christmas together,” Yunho said with one of his sullen little pouts. “I even got you a gift, and everything. When do you want it-- before or after I get back? I mean, I know now isn't really the best place to do it...”

“We can exchange gifts after,” Jaejoong said. “I don't mind waiting.”

“Good...” He ran his fingers along Jaejoong's jaw, then glanced over at Changmin, who was waiting at the bus stop with him. “Could you avert your eyes please?”

“You don't have to tell me twice,” Changmin grumbled. He knelt down on the ground and began prodding some of the snow with his gloved hands, avoiding looking at them in their moment of intimacy.

Yunho pulled up the hood of Jaejoong's coat to cover his face, then kissed him. His lips were cold to the point where it gave him chills, but being held in his arms did warm him up little by little.

“Look well after Yoochunnie,” he said when he'd drawn away. “I'll be thinking of you.”

“Me too,” Jaejoong said, smiling. “Stay warm.” He knelt down to ruffle Changmin's thick hair. “Don't gorge yourself.”

“Have a good Christmas, hyung,” Changmin said, picking himself off the ground. Two seconds later, he'd whirled around and smacked Yunho in the back of the head with a snowball, and the two of them laughed and fought until the bus came up to the curb.

The next morning, Jaejoong was back at the bus stop, this time with Junsu beside him. They were both wrapped up tightly in coats, hats, scarves, and face masks as they waited for Yoochun to come, bouncing over and over again on the balls of their feet to keep their blood flowing. He hated to say it, but summer felt so far away when they were like this. He couldn't even begin to think of being hot enough to pass out from heat exhaustion now.

By time Yoochun finally arrived, they were both so cold that they immediately threw themselves onto him to get some of his body heat. Yoochun laughed and granted them a nice and warm bear hug. “You missed me that much, huh?” he teased. “I'm flattered.”

“Come on, let's just get to the arena,” Junsu said, grabbing his arm. “You need to sign up and get your number and everything, right?”

Yoochun bobbed his head. He didn't look anywhere near as nervous as Jaejoong thought he might be, based on the number of times he called them when he wanted to stress out. He looked just as eager to get underway as Junsu, as if he just wanted the whole thing over with.

Junsu, now, was the one who was anxious. “You picked a song that plays to your strengths, right? You've memorized your dance? I see you've cleaned yourself up nice today, but please-”

“Don't come across like a fish store worker,” Yoochun finished for him with a grin. “Yeah, I know. I'm ready.”

“You sound too calm. Say something to him, hyung!”

“Uh...” Jaejoong shrugged. “Oh yeah. There was that one thing Hyunsoo nim said to us one time. Try to sing as if you're the best singer in the group rather than letting yourself be outshined by the real best singer. So even if you're feeling overwhelmed, sing like you don't feel any of it.”

“I will,” Yoochun said firmly. “I'm sick of being left at home without you guys. I'll nail this if it's the last thing I do.”

“Please don't say something as final as that,” Junsu said, but he still smiled at Yoochun's sincerity.

The soccer arena had been cleared of snow, and was set up for the contest with a judging table and raised platform on the field and sections of the stands cordoned off for spectators to watch. Everyone who wanted to try out had to go through a section of lines where they had to do a brief pre-audition to make sure they weren't pranksters or completely incompetent, and then they were given a number and sectioned off into a special area of the arena.

“How good do you think the rest of the competition will be?” Jaejoong asked after they'd taken their seats. He'd brought a bag of hot packs with him, and passed them out between them while they waited.

“I think most people who have been really serious about being an idol go the route of auditioning formally at the company of their choice,” Junsu said. “A lot of these people will be ones who couldn't get in previously, or else never gave as much thought to auditioning before. And then there are some of the ones like Yoochunnie who thought about it, but needed to be talked into it a little. My guess is the majority of the contestants will be on the average level, with a handful of hidden gems sprinkled throughout. And that's what they'll be looking for.” Junsu warmed his hands with the hot pack. “But C&M already has several main vocals, so they'll be looking for a lower tone or rapper to fill the spot in our vocal group, which subtracts out female entrants for the time being. And really, who fits that description better than Yoochunnie?”

The prep for the contest took awhile, but the two of them tried to tough it out as best as they could with their hot packs. Unfortunately, the soccer field location convinced Junsu that there was no better time to start an in-depth (and one sided) soccer lecture, which caused Jaejoong's eyes to glaze over until the label representatives finally made an appearance on the field as they made their way to the judging table.

“Oh my gosh, it's JYP!” Junsu said, pointing excitedly at the first person who walked through the arena. “And there's our Hyunsoo nim. Teal blue suit, really?” Representatives from SM Entertainment and DSP came in next, followed by a few Jaejoong didn't immediately recognize.

After a bit of chattering among the judges, the first entrant was ushered to the stage. The first few were all fairly gifted. He couldn't get a good grasp on their visuals from sitting far away, but they could all sing passably and dance without any major errors. It took a few entrants for someone really mind-blowing to show up: a female main vocal with a multi-octave range.

“Do you think C&M might consider picking up female trainees?” Jaejoong asked. “They can squeeze at least two different boy groups out of the trainees they have now; shouldn't they be planning for another girl group?”

Junsu shrugged. “It's not impossible, I guess, but you'd think they'd want to work with what they have going for them for now.”

There were a few more standout contestants here and there. A low range hip-hop rapper, an athletic dancer, a young girl who looked to be no more than twelve who had a sweet and soulful voice. Finally, it was Yoochun's turn, and they leaned forward to watch, squeezing each other's hands so hard that they could barely feel them anymore.

Yoochun began by singing, his low tone strong and smooth and confident. Jaejoong smiled, sighing in relief. He sounded good, even better than the last time he'd heard him. He wasn't overly showy or too enthusiastic with his runs when he sang, but performed simplistically yet richly, which made him enjoyable to listen to.

At the half way point of the song, he took on the rap line and began to dance. He was no Yunho, but he matched his movements with the beat of the rap perfectly. Jaejoong's smile widened. That was the first dance lesson had taught him: that matching with the melody was the most important part of delivering a dance, even if it wasn't your skill point. Yoochun had listened well, and had delivered exactly what he needed to.

As soon as he finished his audition, Junsu and Jaejoong erupted into cheers so loud that the people next to them started glaring. “That was so good,” Junsu said, sounding borderline weepy. “Yoochunnie!”

Jaejoong quickly texted Yunho and Changmin: I think he just nailed it. Hyunsoo nim was a veteran musician, so he had to have faith that he saw the same potential in Yoochun that the rest of them saw.

Junsu and Jaejoong waited impatiently for the other auditions to wrap up, though plenty of them were really good and worth getting impressed about. After all the approved contestants had performed, the judges were left to mull over their notes for what felt like a century. Eventually, they all gave a sheet of paper to the contest's staff, and he reemerged with a smaller group of contestants, which included Yoochun. The finalists.

The staff explained to the contestants and everyone else who was watching that they would be asked to perform one more time-- a short 30 second appeal-- and then they would be free to go. The agencies would go over the options with their staff, and arrange a call back for those they were interested in taking on as trainees.

“So we have to wait some more?” Jaejoong asked, dismayed.

“It's almost Christmas. I doubt they'll play around with the call backs. They'll probably let the winners know ASAP, and then make the arrangements for them to actually join with the company after the holidays.”

“Still. It would be nice to tell Yunho and Changmin ah how everything went right away.”

The two of them went through the last of their hot packs watching the final appeals. To Jaejoong's amazement, for his final song Yoochun sang lines from Wasurenaide, the first song of Jaejoong's he'd learned how to sing.

“Clever,” Junsu pointed out. “Knowing Japanese is very important. The judges will remember that.” Jaejoong couldn't look at it from that technical of a standpoint; he simply felt proud.

With Yoochun finally finished up, they slipped out of the stands to go meet him. “Not bad for a fish shop worker,” Junsu said, but his words were belied by his wide smile. Yoochun grabbed him a headlock and ground his knuckles into Junsu's head, but he looked just as happy.

“That was the most intimidating experience of my life,” Yoochun said once he'd released Junsu. “Those execs are intense.”

“You did well, though,” Jaejoong said. “You'll make it, no problem.”

“But into C&M? What if someone else wants to take me?”

“I did recommend you to Hyunsoo nim.”

“Well, we'll see. You two are freezing, so let's go back to hyung's place.”

Luckily, Jaejoong's parents had a fire going in the fireplace by time they arrived. The three of them had hot chocolate and warm stew to get the chill out of their bones. “An outdoor contest in December,” Junsu muttered under his breath. “If this is supposed to teach us a lesson about the harsh struggles of the industry, I'd rather learn another way.”

“With this at least we can probably finish up on our auditioning phase,” Jaejoong said. “As I said before, we probably have around two boy groups to form out of the trainees. Us in vocal team three, and vocal team one and two combined would also make up a five member group. Provided everyone sticks it out.”

“And now we wait,” Yoochun said with a sigh. “To see if we can stay together or not.”

0o0

The next day, the three of them were almost insufferably anxious. They jumped whenever one of their phones went off-- which was frequently, since Yunho and Changmin texted regularly-- and Yoochun had to snap at his parents a few times for tying up the line when their persistent calls asking when he'd be coming back. Jaejoong the radio so they could listen to Christmas songs and take their mind off of Yoochun's call back, but even the holiday didn't seem very imminent in comparison. They just wanted to be put out of their misery, and fast.

Around 1 PM, Yoochun's phone went off again, and this time the number on the screen wasn't his parents. He grabbed it quickly, took a deep breath, and accepted the call. “Hello?” Jaejoong and Junsu leaned forward breathlessly.

“Yes, this is Park Yoochun. Yes, that's right. That's fine.” He paused, listening to the other line. “Oh?” he said, both his eyes and smile widening. Jaejoong and Junsu high-fived each other. He had to have made it in. He had to.

But all of a sudden, Yoochun had a different look on his face. It wasn't upset or disappointed, just confused. “I'm sorry,” he said to the person on the other end. “Could you say that again?” A pause. “Oh....”

What is it?, Junsu mouthed, but Yoochun was focused on his phone and didn't notice.

“Is it okay if I take some time to think about that?” Yoochun asked finally. “Or do I need to decide now?” He paused again. “By then? Okay, I'll be sure to. Thank you for getting in touch. Have a nice afternoon.”

He ended the call and set down his phone, his face still bewildered.

“Well,” Junsu said, “what's up? Did you make it?”

Yoochun nodded. “I made it.”

“To C&M?”

He nodded again. “Yeah, C&M made me an offer.”

“What is it, Yoochun ah?” Jaejoong asked, his heart pounding. “If that's the case, what's wrong?”

“Someone else made me an offer, too,” Yoochun said haltingly. “SM Entertainment.”

We've dreamed a truly beautiful dream, protecting it with our love
Caress the ailing minds, outstretch your hands
Let us be by your side, until the day we win