BEAUTIFUL LIFE

“Did you guys pack everything?” Jaejoong asked, helping Changmin haul his massive bag into the back of the company van. “Are you 100% sure?”

“I'm not Yunho hyung,” Changmin said, rolling his eyes. “I have everything.”

“Everything? Like your toothbrush?”

“My toothbrush. My pajamas. An electric blanket. A can opener. Five volumes of manhwa. Emergency snack rations. Flashlights, batteries, a screwdriver, bubblegum, a stapler, and permanent markers.”

“...do we actually need half of those things?”

“I don't know, hyung,” Changmin said, not blinking. “Do we?”

“I guess we'll just be extra prepared, then,” Jaejoong said. He glanced over his shoulder. “Yoochun ah? Junsu ah?”

“Don't worry, we've got all we need,” Junsu said, tossing his bag in after Changmin's. His bag was about half its size. “If we left anything behind, we could just steal it from Changminnie.”

“Why should I have to share with you if you made the mistake of forgetting something?” Changmin snarked.

“Because I'm your hyung, and I could stretch your cute little cheeks off?”

“I thought you guys were supposed to be bonding over there?” Jongwoo called out from the second van where he was helping the others load up. He'd been put as leader of vocal groups one and two now that Yunho was focusing solely on their unit. “Or is this what membership is all about?”

“This is how we bond,” Yoochun explained, ruffling Changmin's hair. “And don't misunderstand, Changmin ah is the number one apple of our eyes.”

“It's too bad about Yunho hyung, though,” Shinwon said, glancing at Jaejoong. “I'm sure shooting a music video will be just an entertaining, but I'm sure there's something he'll be missing.”

“I'd personally prefer to spend the day with Gaeun noona over these guys,” Changmin grumbled, ducking away from Yoochun's affectionate hugs. “He got the better d-” A look at Jaejoong's somber face made him fall short.

Yoochun reached over and squeezed Jaejoong's arm. “It really is too bad he couldn't get a vacation like the rest of us, but he's our reliable leader. He'll work hard and do great things for us.”

Jaejoong nodded. Yunho had stayed the night over with him before leaving for filming at the crack of dawn. They'd sorted out their little conflict over Soorin for the time being, but Jaejoong had still felt regretful when he'd heard Yunho leave. Some of the old feelings of distance were creeping back. The more in love he felt with Yunho, the less able he was to manifest it properly. There always seemed to be something in the way, and even though he repeatedly told himself how lucky he'd been so far getting into the company and having Yunho with him, he was still young and lost in his own wants. He thought longingly back to the summer and all the time they'd had with just the two of them. He should have held on tighter while he'd still had it, not wasting a second on the anger and hurt he'd felt at times over the misunderstandings and sense of hopelessness. He should have lived it to the fullest before it reached the point where he could have it the way it had been anymore.

Yoochun noticed Jaejoong's change in expression and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “And we'll just have to have a really fun time so we have something exciting to tell him when we get back, right?”

Jaejoong nodded. This was going to be their last break in a long time. He would regret it if he didn't do his best to enjoy it, regardless of what Yunho was doing.

Finally, all of the trainees finished loading up the vans and were ready to go. Jaejoong hopped into the front seat next a staff member named Yongsoo who they were currently phasing in as one of their managers. Junsu and Yoochun took the middle row, while Changmin was left in the back.

“Ahhhh, isn't this nice?” Junsu sighed. “It doesn't smell like fish.”

“You don't miss it at all?” Yoochun asked. “Working in the market?”

“Oh, sometimes. Not the smell or the heat, but it wasn't so bad. You?”

“Every night I dream of laying out fish in the stall together with you and then wake up crying with how badly I miss it.”

Junsu smiled guiltily. “Seriously?”

“No.”

Junsu smacked him on the arm, and Yoochun laughed.

A few minutes later, and the other three had dozed off in the back. Jaejoong didn't begrudge them. Even though this was a vacation of sorts, sleeping wasn't the main activity on the agenda, and they'd all been cutting back on sleep now that their training schedules had increased. He was also tempted to get some shut eye, but he still hadn't gotten around to doing much work on their debut song. The notebook propped open on his knee still only had one line scribbled down on it.

Sweet, innocent, and uncomplicated... what do I want to say to you? He tapped his pencil against the paper, remembering the audio track he had now listened to more times than he could count. Why had been writing about painful love been so much easier? Maybe it was because the words had nagged at his heart harder, and the emotions then had been clearer because he was familiar with them. Having a requited love was different, and there were a lot of things he felt on top of his happiness, all of them new and strange. Even he didn't understand sometimes how badly he wanted Yunho, even when he was standing right in front of his eyes.

For the days of my life you aren't in, how do I pass them by?, Jaejoong wrote, skipping down a few lines. I am curious of how much you love me. I want to become a page in the your diary in your drawer, to fill my feelings with your unknown secrets...

There. That wasn't that difficult. Now: what would he do if he was the bed in Yunho's room? He closed his eyes and tried to think of it, but all he could think of was himself on the bed in Yunho's room. Ready. Waiting.

He left his eyes closed. Really, it was no good. That part would have to wait for another time, when he'd reflected properly on what innocence used to feel like. For the time being, he allowed himself to drift off instead, listening to the soft snores in the backseat and the sound of the motor purring as they made their way down the highway.

He woke up about ten minutes before they reached their destination when the van bumped down country roads that hadn't yet been cleared of snow. The others were also starting to rouse themselves to check out the beautiful scenery of snow covered trees and white, pristine fields where the snow hadn't turned brown and slushy with mud and foot traffic.

“Awesome,” he couldn't help saying, pressing his face against the window. “Winter's the best.”

“Ehh?” Junsu said. “Don't you remember freezing at Yoochun's audition?”

“We were sitting down the whole time. This will be different.”

Their manager pulled into a driveway leading to a modestly sized house on top of a slight incline with a huge wrap-around porch and wide lawn. Down the incline in the back yard was the cabin where the other five were staying next to an outdoor pool and tennis court, which were naturally closed off for the winter.

Forgetting their bags for a moment, the four of them scampered out of the car and immediately began digging into the snow. Within seconds, Changmin had pelted Junsu with a series of snowballs, and Yoochun had shoved a fistful of snow into the hood of Changmin's coat. Jaejoong dropped all the snow he'd grabbed and rubbed it into Yoochun's hair, laughing as he shrieked about cold it was.

The other van pulled up, and the five trainees looked at them enviously. They had to go straight into training with one of their managers acting as a drill sergeant to put them through stamina, teamwork, exercise, and vocal training up until dinner when they'd finally get a break. All five of them looked like they'd much rather be getting into a snowball fight, particularly the younger two.

Right when Jaejoong was about to run up to them and wish them luck on their training, Changmin nailed him straight in the with a snowball, soaking the fabric of his jeans. Jaejoong whirled around and tried to get him in a chokehold, which was tricky given how tall he was, though a sopping wet Yoochun was willing to help by leaping on his back and knocking him down.

“They better have a fireplace or a hot tub inside this place,” Junsu yelled, hugging his arms around his chest and doing a little dance. “Who the heck thought playing in the snow would be a fun idea?” Yoochun responded by leaping off of Changmin and trying to hit Junsu in the face with another snowball.

“Do you think people will actually want to watch us doing stuff like this soon?” Changmin asked, picking himself off the ground. “On varities and stuff? Hyunsoo nim said the next time we did anything like this, there would be cameras here.”

Jaejoong nodded. “You didn't have a favorite idol group growing up, did you? When I watched H.O.T. when I was younger, it just felt like a really big deal. Like the more you watched them, the closer you felt to them, like you really knew them. So maybe whatever fans we have will want to feel the same way about us.”

“Maybe. But it's still kind of weird.”

“It feels weird because it's us. But if we do well and change people's worlds, I think that'll be a good thing, even if it feels weird.” Another snowball hit him, this time in the back of the head. He turned around, but both Yoochun and Junsu were trying to look innocent, with Junsu doing a much better job of succeeding.

“Okay, okay, you guys,” Yongsoo called out. “Help me bring your luggage in, and then you can do whatever the heck you want.”

They trotted over to the van, still covered with snow and bickering about who had hit them unfairly and would be getting revenge on later. Still, the thought of going inside and warming up by a fire was tempting. As much as Jaejoong loved the snow, he didn't like it soaking up in his jeans and numbing his legs quite as much.

Luckily, the owners of the house had left some logs by the fireplace set up for them, and Yongsoo said he would get a fire going if they were good and dropped off their stuff in their room. There were two bedrooms, one with two double beds and one with a king size bed. They had to take the shared room so their manager could be left in peace, so Yoochun and Junsu took one bed, leaving Changmin and Jaejoong to the other.

“Maybe it's a good thing Yunho hyung isn't here,” Yoochun joked. “Or he'd try to take the king size bed with Jaejoong hyung and keep us up all night.”

“Oh, hush,” Jaejoong said crossly.

“Did I touch upon a sore spot?” Yoochun paused. “Or have you not done it yet? I thought you would have ages ago, based on how you devour each other with your eyes.”

“There hasn't been a good time,” Jaejoong grumbled.

“Hey, you could always go for it in the break room during dance practice. We'd cover for you.”

“Can we please not talk about this?” Changmin yelled, covering his ears.

“You guys didn't fight too much over the Soorin noona thing, did you?” Junsu asked. “I think he's gotten a little paranoid after the whole ordeal with Minhee noona this summer as far as thinking girls are after you goes.”

“Shouldn't it be that they're after him, though?” Jaejoong asked. “He's so manly.”

“Truly discerning women enjoy the cold beauties who pose a challenge,” Junsu answered airily. “Yunho's too straightforward.”

“I thought he was a challenge.”

“You were approaching under different circumstances.”

“Let's just go downstairs for the fire,” Changmin yelled. “God, I've known Yunho hyung since I was in grade school, I don't want to know the details about him and Jaejoong hyung, it's too weird.”

Yoochun slung an arm around his shoulder. “Eh? Is it time to teach you about the birds and the bees, Minnie?”

“No! No! Absolutely not!”

Jaejoong grinned. Whoever wound up watching them on these kinds of trips in the future hopefully liked a lot of arguing.

They finally quieted down once they were settled in front of the fire. Changmin and Yoochun's had both gotten doused several times on the head, so they wrung out their hair while Jaejoong and Junsu comically had to stick out their damp butts to speed up the process of drying their jeans.

“We should do something special to commemorate,” Jaejoong said suddenly. “Like share with each other the goals for our debut year. Our real goals.”

“Hmmm,” Junsu thought, pursing his lips. “I think winning may be too much to ask for in our first year. But maybe being acknowledged by another famous performer would be nice? I'd like to hear someone like that compliment us on our performing ability.”

“As for me, I think I would be happiest if my family could watch and be proud of me,” Yoochun said. “And not just my family, but Junsu's, too. I know we disappointed them by choosing this, so I want them to see that we're serious when we appear onstage. And then go around town bragging to everyone that Park Yoochun is their son.”

They all looked at Changmin, but he didn't immediately say anything. “I guess...” He looked down at his hands thoughtfully. “I guess I would like to push as far as all as you have. When I joined the company, I didn't really think about what being an idol meant. Or all the things I would have to do and give up. I just didn't want to be left out when Jaejoong and Yunho hyung were gone. But it's fun to work hard with you guys. I'll try and become better so I'm not second to anybody on stage.”

“That was unexpectedly cute,” Junsu sighed. “If only you were always so honest.”

“Don't bet on it.”

“What about you, Jaejoong hyung?” Yoochun asked.

“Me?” Jaejoong tapped his chin. “I want to make something beautiful with all of you and show it to the world. And have everyone love us so much that they'll want us to be around forever.”

“Meaning that we have to keep on performing when our hair is gray and we're all using walking sticks?”

“You don't want to?” Jaejoong laughed. “Oh, maybe you're worried about the day your genes for a receding hairline kick in?”

“Hyung!” They all laughed.

“I know we're supposed to take this time to practice for variety appearances and stuff, like how we'll be when we know everyone else it watching, but we should just be us for now,” Junsu said, grabbing all of them and wrapping them into a hug. “And like that we can do anything.”

“You're being cheesy,” Changmin sighed, but he for once returned Junsu's hug, and smiled as they held onto each other and promised to take on the world together.

0o0

There was a grill set up on the back patio, and when dinner rolled around, the managers cleared out the snow and brought the meat they'd bought at the nearby grocery store to cook. Jaejoong thought he'd be asked to prepare the food again, but the managers actually seemed to have it in hand, and only asked them to do little things like chop up vegetables and pass the tongs when they asked.

As they set up the table in the pension, the other five trainees finally came across from the cabin. “Oh my god, I think I'm going to die,” Haejin said, collapsing onto the couch. “Is the real army that difficult? If so, how can I get out of it?”

“Have you learned well at least?” Yoochun asked, patting him to the back. Unfortunately, Haejin was still sore there and only wound up wincing in pain.

“I bet you guys have been having a lot of fun,” Chansik said enviously. “I wish we could have spent more time hanging out with you.”

“Look on the bright side: we're a group full of underage people, so we get a break of the rest of the evening,” Jongwoo reminded him. “And god, that meat smells good.”

Jaejoong's phone vibrated on the table, Yunho's number flashing on the screen. He lept up and grabbed it. “I'm just going to go outside for a few minutes and take this call,” he said, the words falling in a jumble out of his mouth. Yoochun and Changmin smiled knowingly.

It was freezing outside, but Jaejoong cleared a spot on the steps of the porch and plunked down. “Yunho? Do you have a break right now?”

“Yeah, they're doing solo shots of noona right now,” Yunho said, sounding fairly wiped out. “I should be monitoring, but I wanted to hear your voice.”

“Me too,” Jaejoong said, his face collapsing into a smile. “You're fine, though? You're staying hydrated and not working too much?”

“Don't worry. It's not like I'm doing a rigorous dance routine or anything. Just some basic rom com stuff.”

“There isn't a kiss scene, is there?” Jaejoong asked, suddenly alarmed. He hadn't thought about it until now, but if it was a romantic comedy, there was a fairly good possibility.

“Just on the cheek. Which was already shot, without any NGs either.”

“That's nice.” He knew kissing while acting wasn't the same, but it still made him feel a bit envious. “We've been all right over here. Well, we might catch a cold from our snowball fight earlier, but we're trying to stay warm now.”

“I wish I could be with you guys.”

“I wish you could, too,” Jaejoong said, his eyes suddenly tearing up. Not again, not now. But the sound of Yunho's words still hit him hard.

“You're not still feeling guilty, are you?”

“No. I know this is a good thing for you.”

“Good. And...” Yunho sighed. “I'm sorry we fought before. I talked to Gaeun noona like Hyunsoo nim told me to, and I understand a little more about Soorin noona. Gaeun noona doesn't really know the details about her family life other than that her mother is sick and Soorin pays for her hospital bills, but she could explain some of the emotional detachment issues she's gone through. Soorin noona doesn't have a lot of friends outside of the group... so if you can be a good friend to her, that's fine. As long as you keep in mind your position and don't get caught in anything suspicious again, I won't get jealous.”

“You shouldn't get jealous anyways since I already told you it's not like that!”

“Hmph. As the person who loves you the most, I should be able to worry freely about the people who get close to you.” Jaejoong heard voices on the other line, and Yunho got quiet for a second. “Hey, I'm going to have to get back on the set. But before I go, it's okay if I come over to your place when you get back tomorrow, right? I don't know how I'll awake I'll be, but it's still your birthday, and I want to be with you.”

“Of course,” Jaejoong said, his voice cracking slightly. “I want to see you, too.”

“Then we'll get together, then.”

“Oh, before you hang you hang up... the rest of us came up with goals we want to achieve for our debut year. Do you have time to give me one?”

“Yeah. I want to be a leader all of you can be proud of, and get us the best results possible. And I want Jaejoongie to be together with me forever,” he cooed in an aegyo voice. “I love you, Boojae.”

“ I love you, too.”

He shut off the call and stared at the screen for a moment, brushing away some of the loose tears that had slipped from his eyes. He was happy Yunho had called, but just hearing his voice made him want to see him so badly.

“So it's true,” a voice said quietly from behind him. “You guys are together.”

Jaejoong looked behind him. “Chansik ah...” He sighed. He knew he should feel worse about being discovered, but Chansik had probably guessed for awhile now. It would be better to just talk him through it and make sure he wouldn't spread it around and get them in trouble, not that he thought Chansik was the kind of person who would.

Chansik sat down next to Jaejoong on the porch. “You're not even going to deny it,” he said softly. “Not that I would believe you, or anything. The way you look at him is different, and now you're even saying 'I love you' in that voice...”

“Is it a problem for you?” Jaejoong asked. “I know a lot of people aren't okay with that kind of thing, so if that's how you feel, it's better if you say it to me right now.”

Chansik's eyes widened. “That's not it, hyung. I couldn't hate you. You're so cool, and everything do is so admirable, but-” He muttered the next part under his breath.

“But?”

“Why does it have to be him?” Chansik said, louder this time.

Jaejoong blinked. “Him? You don't like Yunho?”

“It's not that I dislike him. He's a good leader and all that, but...” Chansik ground his fists into the porch. “It isn't fair! He makes you look miserable half the time, even right now, and you still like him the best! What's so great about him? I know he can dance and sing and he's good looking, but you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy!”

Jaejoong looked at him in disbelief. “I look miserable half the time? Eh?”

“You look like you're about to cry.”

“Oh. How to explain... I'm not miserable. Well, maybe we fight sometimes and I get upset, but it's not the same thing as being miserable. Miserable was how I was before I met him. Miserable is a thousand times worse than anything I've felt since we've been together. And if I look at all like crying, it's not because he's made me unhappy. It's because...” He thought about it for a second. “I guess it's because the feeling of wanting to see someone is its own kind of happiness and sadness. I don't know if that even makes sense, but that's how I feel.”

Chansik stared intensely at the snow covered driveway, not meeting Jaejoong's eyes. “Hmph.”

“Chansik ah, are you sure you're okay with this?” Jaejoong asked again. “I know it's something that would offend most people, but it would really be bad if the wrong person found out. You understand that, right?”

“I'm not offended,” Chansik insisted, still not meeting his eyes. “And I would hate myself forever if I got you in trouble. It's just... he's not good enough for you, hyung. No one is.”

“What, do you want Jaejoong hyung to stay single forever?” Shinwon asked loudly from behind them. “Anyways, I told you they were together, Chansikkie, it's not as if this is the surprise of the century.”

“You could have been wrong!” Chansik said, throwing a glare at Shinwon.

“I know what I'm talking about.” Shinwon frowned, then shook his head. “Dinner's ready. Better get inside and calm down, Chansikkie. I'm sure you're making hyung feel just wonderful by not being supportive of his relationship. And you wonder why he likes spending so much time with his other friends.”

Chansik flushed, but stood up and muttered out an apology to Jaejoong. Shinwon took his seat next to Jaejoong on the porch when he went inside.

“I'm sure you want dinner, too, but can we talk for a second?” he asked, running his fingers through his long hair. “I know it sounds kind of bad, but I wasn't talking about your private life to Chansikkie maliciously. He just wouldn't stop going on about you, and I thought it would get him to shut up.”

“And how did you know about it in the first place?”

Shinwon glanced behind him to make sure they were still alone. “I'm like you. So I can pick up on people's uality pretty well, for reasons of self-preservation. And to be perfectly honest, you and Yunho hyung kind of ooze affection from your pores when you think no one else is looking. Kind of hard to miss unless you want to miss it. So, yeah, you don't have to worry about me blabbing to Hyunsoo nim or anything, unless I want to shoot myself in the foot, too. If you and Yunho weren't around being all cute, I'd be the obvious suspect, honestly. The long hair, the shampoo CFs, the habit of picking on the resident cutie rapper.”

Jaejoong sighed in relief. “Just be more careful on who you say that to in the future, okay? Chansik ah had ideas before you came around, but someone else...”

“He likes you.”

“Hmmm?”

“Chansikkie. He probably doesn't even realize it fully, that idiot. He's more like Yunho than like you and me. His uality is more along the lines of he likes who he likes regardless of gender, but he probably wouldn't get that he's that way until a guy kisses him, or something.”

“Ehhhh?” Jaejoong blinked. “You're sure that you're not misinterpreting? Don't you think it's more like... hero worship?”

“That's what I'd like to think. But seriously, he got so burned up when I confirmed about you and Yunho hyung. Either he really does think absolutely no one else on this planet is good enough for you, or he's just being jealous.” Shinwon gave the porch a hearty whack with the back of his heel. “He thinks it's so unfair, that you guys are together and are going to debut in the same group, but he's the one being unfair.”

“Hmm?” Jaejoong looked at Shinwon and the bitter edge to his smile. “Wait... do you like Chansik ah?”

“Slow, aren't you? I'm the playground bully type kid. I like to tease the person I like, but it's not really doing me any good, is it? Maybe I should be cool and admirable like you.”

“I'm not all that cool,” Jaejoong said, flushing. “But... I'm sorry? I'm getting in the way of your feelings, so you probably don't like me all that much.”

Shinwon shrugged. “It's not your fault. Whatever you're doing, it's not like you're doing it on purpose. You've got eyes for Yunho hyung, and you're together with him... I may be jealous of that, but I don't hate you for being someone Chansikkie likes. I just have to change his mind. And maybe you can help a pal out?”

“Me?” Jaejoong bit his lip. “I'd like to help, but I don't know how much I can do, honestly. I'll try. But hey, you get along with Yunho, don't you? Can't you maybe ask him? Out of the two of us, he's much better at dealing with people.”

“Hyung, you should think about that for a few seconds. If I said 'Yunho hyung, I think Chansik ah likes your boyfriend, but I want him to like me instead,' I'm pretty sure he'd only hear the first half of that sentence. And then the kind of trouble that would get you two noticed by the company in all the wrong ways would ensue.”

“You may be right,” Jaejoong said, finally picking himself off the step. “I'll do my best to cheer you on, all right? And... thanks for not telling on us.”

“Just be careful, hyung. Not everyone is me or Chansik ah or your group mates or even Soorin noona. You think people in this industry are the ones with the open minds and you stop being careful, and that's when the people who aren't get you.” He picked himself up, too. “But nevermind that. This is supposed to be your vacation. Let's just get something to eat, all right?”

0o0

When bedtime finally rolled around, Jaejoong curled up in the bed with Changmin, though he didn't have much room when the size of Changmin's limbs were factored in. Neither Junsu nor Yoochun wanted to trade, so he it up and squeezed in. At least this wouldn't be as bad as the time Yunho had started hugging him in the middle of the night, keeping him up until morning.

“How was Yunho hyung?” Changmin asked when they settled in. “You were outside a long time.”

“He's fine. The filming is going well.” Jaejoong closed his eyes and smiled. “He says he'll stop by my house for my birthday tomorrow after we get back.”

“Are we not invited, hyung?” Junsu asked. Jaejoong could hear him getting whacked by Yoochun right after the words escaped his mouth.

“You heard hyung earlier when he said he and Yunho hyung haven't done it yet, right?” he yelled. “And you want to intrude on their special birthday time together?”

“It's not like we can do it at my house,” Jaejoong said, groaning. “My parents are going to be there, and my sisters could drop by whenever, too.”

“Well, when there's a will, there's a way.”

“How many times do I have to ask you to stop talking about it before you do!” Changmin whined. Jaejoong responded by trying to give him a back hug and wound up practically smacked across the face by Changmin's arm warding him off.

“Putting hyung's purity aside, we're in for a difficult time when we get back,” Junsu sighed. “Lots more practices, and then when Jaejoong hyung and production finish our single... I guess it will turn into non-stop practices. Let's have fun doing it together, okay?”

Yoochun snorted. “You said 'doing it together'.”

“SHUT UP!” Changmin yelled, smacking Jaejoong again because he couldn't reach Yoochun.

“But seriously,” Junsu said, refusing to be deterred. “This is going to be our life now. Let's do it whole heartedly.”

Yoochun snorted again. “You said-”

“I know what I said!” This time it sounded like Yoochun was the one getting smacked. “Let's just make our group-- whatever it's going to be called-- a great one. Hwaiting!”

“Hwaiting,” the rest of them echoed. It felt a little empty without Yunho saying it back with them, but it was only one day they were spending without him. They'd brought their bond along with them, even if he wasn't there to swear on it in person for just one day.

Even though we don't do anything during the day
If we spend it together, that's fine
Even if the place isn't special, I like it because you're there
Don't want to live my life any other way
As time goes on, we grow closer
The two five of us and our life together endures