June 09, 2022

* * *

"And he used to bring me up his shoulders and make me feel like the king of the world!"

"Ah, that happened to me too! That was, like, an awesome feeling back then!"

"Well, I won't have any of those since I'm almost as tall as him."

Lunch was already taking place and of course, the seven of them were again hanging outside the building and in the soccer field. The warm rays of the sun made contact with their skin, bringing warmth to them. The group's conversation also added in the warmth they had. The buzzing noise of their fellow students echoed in the whole place, everyone running here and there, talking about this and that. 

And so were they. They had a specific topic in mind too. 

"It was like yesterday, I was just a little bundle in his arms." Chunji smiled by the thought of his father years ago. "I was just so little that even my brother found me so easy to carry around and so."

"I quickly grew tall as years passed. Why, now, I'm even as tall as my dad and soon to get taller!" Niel cries out as he smiles softly. "Before, he used to put me up his shoulder with ease."

"Dad still carries me around like I'm sort of baby." Ricky pouted.

"That's because you are one." Changjo teased, making Ricky hit him numerous times. "My dad used to give me and noona piggy-back rides when we were smaller. Now, we've gone really bigger and older that he can't even try carrying us anymore!" he laughs.

"Dad and I are the musically inclined ones in our family." C.A.P speaks. "He taught me how to compose songs and guided me through until I slowly improved." he smiled as he reminised the memory freshly. 

"Dad used to bring me to these really cool place when we were still in America along with hyung." L.Joe added. "It was a nice bonding moment."

Noticing the silence Haneun has while everyone was busy talking, Niel pauses and eyes her carefully, soon realizing that she was simply quiet for a reason. Her head was lowered and her eyes were wandering off, and her face was abnormally blank. 'Haneun." he calls out, making everyone stop and eye the female, who jolted in astonishment as she heard her name. 

"Yes, oppa?" she blinked.

"Is something wrong?" he asks, worried greatly for the female. "You're... seemingly acting different."

"I'm okay. Do continue." Haneun says.

"Ah, I think I know what's wrong with Haneun." Ricky said, frowning. Within seconds, all eyes were on him and even Haneun, who was shocked by Ricky's sudden words, looked up. 

"Well, spit it out, what's wrong with her?" L.Joe asked, blinking a few times. 

Hesitating, Ricky swallows a lump in his throat and speaks softly. "Haneun, well, she's father-less." Ricky mumbles, making everyone fall into a silence Haneun was astonished to even exist in them. Everyone ducked their heads and made an "oh" sound ever so soft for Haneun to even hear. "Oh, w-we're sorry we brought this topic up." Chunji faltered. "We never knew-"

"It's okay. I never had interest in having to know mine anyway." Haneun said, her typical blank face worn. "I am good with mom beside me, and besides, mom's like both a mother and a father so it's a win-win." 

"But still. It's different when you've got both." Changjo countered.

"I've been growing thirteen years without a darn father, and I could say that I'm doing good so far." Haneun cuts. "I'm good, okay? I don't need a dad." she sighs.

"... Sure?" Niel asks.

"You're annoying." she glares, making everyone nod in assurance and change the topic of their discussion for the sake of Haneun, who sat their quietly and still as per usual.

* * *

"Classes are dismissed, go home safely!" 

The words the teacher had said made everyone hurry to pack their school stuff back in their bags and quickly dart back home. Having Ricky and Changjo to help the teachers again, she had to go home alone. "Be safe on your way!" she heard Ricky and Changjo cry out before she exits the room. With her natural charm, she waves at them plainly before going on.

She had to go down a few stairs and go by a few classrooms before she finally reaches the exit door of the school building. There, she spots four familiar males, and to her surprise, they noticed her quicker than how a hawk scoops its prey. "Haneun!" Chunji calls out, waving his hand up in the air. 

Blinking a few times, she walks towards them, who decided to waited patiently for her. "You called, oppa?" she asked, eyeing Chunji, who called her seconds ago. "Is there something wrong?"

"You're going home now, right?" L.Joe asked, answered by a nod.

"We should go home together then!" C.A.P suggested, which everyone agreed to easily. "Come along, Haneun!"

"... Nah, I'm okay." Haneun cooly declines. "I can walk home by myself. I'll be good."

"We can't let our little angel walk home alone, would we?" Niel grins, bringing his hand on Haneun's shoulder gently. "Come on, let's get going!" he giggles, making Haneun sigh softly and walk along with the four, heading back home. 

After they had exited the school campus, the five were talking about nonsense again, which Haneun decides to stay quiet in. Everyone was exchanging stories and laughter where as Haneun was simply listening. Everyone noticed that and slowly, the chit-chats simmered down, making Haneun blink multiple times as she eyed everyone. "Did I do something?" she asked.

"You're being bothered by something." Niel frowns as he eyes Haneun worriedly. "Are you sure that you're okay? You've been really, really quiet since we talked about our dads lately." 

"I'm naturally quiet." Haneun replies.

"But not this quiet." C.A.P pouts. "I'm sure something is really bothering you, Cha Haneun. Will you tell us?"

"We're your friends." L.Joe added. "And friends are here to help each other."

"Besides," Chunji speaks up. "You'll never get that burden off your chest if you don't tell that as early as now. It'll be bad for your current health too." he worriedly frowns as he crosses his arms. "Come on, speak up. What's running in your mind?"

"... Nothing." she lies.

"Come on, you're a horrible liar. It's so clear when you're lying or not." Niel giggles, making Haneun sigh deeply before stopping in her tracks as she lowers her head. With that gesture, everyone knew that something serious bothered the young teen, thus, they walked close to her and listened to the words that were about to spill out her lips. 

"I just want to know.. who he is." she uttered, nearly a whisper to the four.

"Your dad?" Niel asks.

"Yeah." she nods shyly. "I want to know... everything about him. Why I never met him, why he left me and mom. Why... and where he is." Haneun breathes out. "It's like a thorn stuck on my chest and I am well aware that if..."

"If what?" L.Joe blinks.

"If I don't have those questions answered before I leave this world, I'll never be at peace. I want to know him badly already. I want to know who my father is." she sighs, running her fingers through her hair before she eyes her allies. "I just envy you guys for having such a complete family. I can say that I'm happy with mom, but I'll be a lot happier with a dad." she frowns.

Without hesitation, everyone lowers their head while Niel slowly makes his way towards his dear friend. "You've got nothing to get envious of." Niel grins sadly as he pats the younger's head. "We're here, and we'll do anything for those questions of yours to be answered." he promises.

"How? We're just kids." Haneun asks. Her emotionless eyes soon met Niel's hopeful eyes, making her avert them away. "We can't do anything unless we grow up."

"Hey, hey." Niel chuckles as everyone flocks in front of her. "Don't ever underestimate the great power friendship wields, Cha Haneun." he winks, making everyone nod behind.

* * *

Hours soon passes rather quickly as Haneun simply sits quietly on the couch while Hakyeon carefully tidies the dining table. The television had nothing to show but this crazy drama Hakyeon was fanboying over. She really didn't like the storyline much but of course, curiosity strikes her and soon, she finds herself watching it blankly alongside Hakyeon, who squeals every now and then.

And to admit it, she can relate to the protagonist's story. He grew up father-less and he has no one to take after, but his physical appearance which is similar to his father and bit by bit, hurts his mother. He protects his family, namely his beloved mother and sisters.

It's a journey of a father-less child.

And by the sight of that drama flashing on the screen, she turns around to see Hakyeon and with her angel-like voice, calls for Hakyeon. "Mom." she softly cries out, which was very audible for Hakyeon. "Can I ask something?"

"Sure, sweetie." he nods as he walks towards her, sitting beside his beloved daughter. "What's making my baby curious all of the sudden? What would you like me to answer, hm?"

"Promise me first that it's okay to ask you about it first." 

"Whatever it is, I'm willing to answer honestly." he smiles sweetly.

"Alright." she nods in assurance. "Where's dad?"

The question strikes Hakyeon like hundred of arrows shooting him at once straight in the heart. He felt pain coarse through his veins as he tries to retain his eye contact with his curious daughter. As much as he wants to walk away, he can't. His strenght on his legs were gone and had prevented him from even moving an inch. Hakyeon grew uncomfortable and awkward with the question itself, more that it came from Haneun, his own daughter.

"Mom?" Haneun blinks. 

"Well, why'd you ask first?" Hakyeon awkwardly laughs.

"Just curious." she answers. "I just... well, any child with no father would soon ask such question, am I right?"

"Well... um-"

"Mom. Where's dad? Why don't I have a dad? Where is he?" Haneun asks, cutting Hakyeon. 

Hakyeon often avoided question finally rose. He averts his eyes away and leans on the couch, thinking on how to answer the teen's question without sounding mean or awkward. He wanted to answer naturally and to sound natural too. He knew that one time, Haneun would eventually ask such and perhaps, that day was today. Thirteen years and Haneun showed signs of loneliness without the family's father beside them. "W-well..." Hakyeon begins, making Haneun's eyes be fixed at him.

"Haneun, dear.... daddy's gone." Hakyeon bluntly answers, making him want to hit himself repeatedly mentally. Seeing the dissatisfaction in Haneun's face, he smiles sweetly before patting her head lightly. "B-but, mommy's here, right?" he giggled.

"Yeah. A mom's enough for me already." she nods. "Well, at least, can you describe some of his unforgettable traits?" Haneun asks again. "I promise, this'll be the last question I'll ever have concerning him. All I want is answers."

Seeing the extreme want for such, Hakyeon sighs and smiles faintly, nodding. "Well, your father is very much like you. Quiet, emotionless, distant. He's extremely shy too, like you are." he says, thinking of it. "But despite his outside features, he's really very soft and caring inside. He's the perfect image of a dad, according to him himself and his friends, and even to me. He's the most loving person in the world." he smiles.

"Sounds promising." Haneun smiles. "I'm glad to have some guy like that to be my father, hm?"

"Possibly." Hakyeon agrees, nodding his head. 

"I'll go inside my room for now. I'm having another day tomorrow, better lull myself to sleep early this time." Haneun states as she gives a goodnight cheek-kiss to her beloved mother. "Good night, mom."

"Good night, Haneun. Sleep well." Hakyeon smiles back as he watches his daughter head towards her room and finally, shut the door close. Once she was out of sight, Hakyeon falls on the couch, hands on his head before tears finally spill down his eyes. Careful not to alert her daughter from his soft sobs, he covers his face with a pillow nearby, wetting it with the tears rolling down his cheeks. 

The thought of Haneun's long-gone father upsets Hakyeon extremely. The way he knew Haneun was incomplete to be fatherless made him extremely guilty and terrible. He knew that Haneun needs a father, but she has none.

"I'm sorry." Hakyeon mumbles as he covers his face with the pillow completely. "Dear God, where is he? Where has Haneun's father long been? Bring him back, I beg of you. Bring him back..." he silently prays.

"I'll do anything for you to bring him back. Give him back to us, please. I'll do anything." he weeps as the night slowly falls down.

06-09-22

"Father and mother, I love you."

When I was in pre-school, I remember that my teacher once told us that that was the meaning of the word "family". It's where every member loves one another. Anyone can be family as long as they have love existing within them, as well as trust.

I kind of feel down that I can't utter those words that mean "family". Why? Well, first of, I have no father, no recollections of him and no knowledge who and where he is. It makes me die in curiousity on where his real locations are.

Mom says that he's gone, so possibly, dad IS gone. It's sad that I'm father-less.

But at the same time, I'm thankful. I still have this crazy and unique mom to be beside me and his name is Cha Hakyeon. Sometimes, I think that mom's all I need, and that I don't need a father. Of course, that's ridiculous. Every child has the right of having a complete family.

But for me, THIS is complete already. Our family's complete. It has love, trust, a parent and a child. That's enough for me already and I'm extremely thankful for such too. Maybe I don't need a dad at all, mom's all that I need.

I still can't help get envious over those that have their dads with them. It makes me want to ask lots of questions. What does it feel like to have your dad around anyway?

What is a dad?