Jjung and Ssul: Age 20

I thought I could handle it. I thought I would be alright but I wasn’t. I was weak and I was devastated. Ssul had called me immediately after she landed in Melbourne. She sounded so excited so I tried to sound as happy as I could for her. I was already missing her so badly that I craved just hearing the sound of her voice. The problem was I felt so lonely and empty without her by my side. I had missed the March college intake so I had to wait until September to start college. In the mean time, I decided to work for my father to pass the time and get some job experience.

Fortunately, AJ hyung and Luna returned home from their year of travelling not too long after. It was great to have their familiar faces back otherwise I wasn't sure what I would have done if I had to spend more than a few months all by myself. Although, seeing the two of them so happy together didn’t exactly help me feel better. As she had promised her parents, Luna had decided to stay in Korea and go to a private college, Chung-Ang University to study theatre. To my surprise, hyung had also decided to go to college after all. We both decided to attend Sungkyunkwan University, him choosing to study political science whilst I wanted to major in journalism.

Hyung and Luna took pity on me like I was a lost puppy. I was constantly their pet project and they made sure they included me in anything they did but that only made me feel like a third wheel. They were fortunate that they managed to stay together even when hyung decided to leave for a year. I wasn’t as lucky. Once in awhile I would see a couple walking down the street somewhere which reminded me of Ssul and me, and I would start tearing up. I avoided places that I took Ssul on dates because I would automatically think of her. I thought it was going to be tough but it was even more difficult that I thought. Now I knew why long distance relationships hardly ever lasted. No, Jjung! Stay strong. You love Ssul, and she loves you. She’ll be back soon… I kept reminding myself not to give up… especially all that we had been through to finally end up together.

Ssul was definitely keeping her half of our promise to each other. She would send me an email or a text or called me as often as she could. She must have been very worried about me; she probably knew that I was having a hard time without her. She knew me too well; she was always the stronger one. When school started for her though, it became increasingly difficult for her to give me such a large portion of her attention. Her classes were proving to be a challenge and on top of that she needed to spend extra time brushing up on her English skills. It was frustrating but I didn’t want to be like the old Jjung and just throw in the towel, so I persisted and told myself to be supportive and understanding.

September came soon enough and hyung, Luna and I started college too. College was a completely different environment than high school; it was really an eye opener. Hyung and I were in the same department so we had some general studies classes together so we still saw each other often. However, Luna was in a completely different college altogether. I was skeptical about her decision to major in theatre but I had never seen her so dedicated to anything. When I thought about it again though, her personality did suite the performing arts well. She and hyung were still going strong. I had to give it to her; she had hyung completely wrapped around her finger. It was funny to think that there was a time when he rejected her.

December was approaching and I was excited at the prospect that Ssul might be able to take a trip back for her summer vacation. We had been discussing it but at the last minute she changed her mind.

“Jjung… I don’t think I will be coming back for the break. I’m sorry,” she told me.

“But why?”

“I decided to attend summer school instead.”

“Are you serious? Don’t you think you’re working hard enough? You should take a break. I can try and come visit you instead…”

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll be in class all the time. Summer school is very intensive; I don’t think I’ll have much time to spend with you.”

I wanted to slam my fist into the wall but I didn’t. “If that’s what you want… I’ll support your decision…” I was extremely disappointed and frustrated but I wasn’t going to let that get the better of me. Be patient Jjung…

“I’m sorry Jjung. Please don’t be angry…”

Jjung, Ssul and AJ: Age 21/23

After the first semester in college, I really wasn’t sure if it was for me. I felt like I was just trying to occupy my time and distract myself with something so that I wasn’t thinking of Ssul all the time. Hyung on the other hand was having the time of his life. With his outgoing personality, he made friends easily and everyone wanted to hangout with him. He was basically one of the most popular students and all the girls were crazy about him and he was enjoying every bit of attention he got.

“Hey Jjung, check out those cute girls over there. They’re checking us out…” hyung said with a confident smirk.

“They’re checking you out not me… Anyway have you forgotten someone named Luna?”

“Eiii… What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Besides I’m not going to do anything… it’s just a little bit of flirting. How about you? Why don’t you try going out on a date?”

“I can’t! I’m with Ssul!” I objected.

He sighed. “I’m worried about you. You’re always so depressed and unhappy. When was the last time you even heard from her?”

I thought about it for a second. “I guess it’s been a few weeks…” I replied sadly.

“You know I love Ssul too and I don’t want to see either of you hurt but I think you need to date other people and see if this relationship is really for you. The reality of it is that long distance relationships almost never work out and most people don’t even end up with their first love…”

“You know that Ssul’s more than just a first love to me…”

“Yes, I know… I just can’t bear to see you like this. Just think about it. It might be good for you.”

At first, I really didn’t want to do it but hyung kept pushing me so I agreed only if it was going to be a double date with him and Luna. I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to be dating someone else in the first place so I wanted to make sure that I had witnesses that I was on good behavior. All the dates ended in disasters… for me at least. I wasn’t interested in any of the girls and the entire time I would just be thinking about Ssul. I felt bad for the girls; it must have been like going on a date with a zombie. After a few of these dates, even hyung got annoyed and gave up on me. There was no use; I wasn’t interested in anyone else. I couldn’t love anyone else.

After another semester of school, I had completely lost interest in college. Ssul had yet again decided not to come back for the break and I knew there was no changing her mind so I left it at that. I started doubting if I could be in this relationship for much longer if something didn’t change soon. But I didn’t know what to do… In the past, I had always given up too easily and I had found myself regretting the mistakes I made over and over again. Ssul’s worth the wait… I promised I’d wait for her… but we’re not even talking anymore… Are we even still in a relationship?

“Hyung… I don’t think I’m going to go back to college after the break,” I told hyung.

“Are you sure? What are you going to do then?”

I hesitated. “… I’ve enlisted in the army…”

His eyes widened in shock. “You enlisted? Why?!”

“I’ve tried everything to distract myself but nothing is working. Time is just passing by too slowly and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m afraid that if I keep going on like this I might kill myself.” I was exaggerating of course but it felt close to it.

“I don’t even know what to say to that but if you’ve decided, I guess I can’t really do anything to stop you now.”

“I know it sounds like a stupid thing to do but I’ve thought a lot about it. I’m going to have to do it eventually anyway; I might as well do it now.”

He thought about it for a second. “I guess you’re right. But this really means that you and Ssul will not be hearing from each other completely for 2 years. Can you deal with that?”

“That seems to be what’s happening now anyway…” I sighed.

That night, I called Ssul to let her know about my plans. I didn’t think that it would make a difference to her but I thought she should know anyway. When I told her about it, she yelled at me for being an idiot again. But after I explained to her why I had to do it, she calmed down.

“I’m so sorry that things have been so bad lately Jjung. I know I can’t say anything to make up for it. But I still love you Jjung. I want you to know that. It hurts me to be away from you too. There’s not a second that I don’t think of you. I miss you my Jjung! I miss you a lot,” she cried. I could tell that she was really crying over the phone just by the sound of her voice.

“I love you too. I’ve tried my best to be patient but it’s wearing me out. I’m so tired Ssul… I’m so tired, I don’t know what to do anymore. But I love you. Even if I tried I couldn’t stop loving you. I love you but it’s killing me. So this is all I could do. I’m still waiting… I’ll wait forever if I have to. I just hope I don’t have to,” I told her as I held onto the key necklace that I still wore around my neck.

“I’m so sorry Jjung. Please wait just a little longer. I will be back, I swear! I know I’m being selfish by asking you to wait but I can’t let you go. So please, I beg you, please wait for me…”

“I’m not going anywhere Ssul… When you’re ready… just come back and I’ll be here.”

“I promise, when you get out, I’ll be back then… I promise. Please take care of yourself and remember that I love you…”