Jjung, Ssul and AJ: Age 20/22

I spent the next few days wallowing in my own broken heart. Why?! Why did she have to leave?! Why did she hide the fact that she was leaving? Why didn’t she even think of how I would feel? I thought everything was going so well. I thought we were happy. I thought we were going to college together. I thought we were going to spend our lives together. I thought she cared about me. I guess I’m not that important to her…

It was agonizing having to still see her in school every day. I begged another classmate to change seats with me because I just could not be that close to her; the pain was too much for me to bear. It was a good thing that finals came and went quickly and then we were on our winter break. She persistently tried to get me to talk to her but I had nothing to say to her. If she wasn’t even going to consider staying then what was the point in discussing the situation?

When school resumed again, we were caught in the annual school play again. It kept reminding me of what had happened the year before. Suz was in charge of directing the production again after the success of last year’s production. However, she told me that it was better for everyone if I didn’t audition for the play. I guess I wasn’t very good or rather maybe she was just trying to avoid unnecessary drama. This time around I chose to help with props while Ssul stuck to wardrobe. We didn’t cross paths much.

Yet again I found myself alone at the end of the semester and this time it was the end of my high school career. I had imagined Ssul and I finishing school and then graduating together. Instead we were growing more distant by the day. For most students, graduation meant a journey into adulthood and into the future but for me, it meant that I was losing the love of my life. It was the worst day of my life. I just wanted it to be over.

Another month went by and I was still unable to get over Ssul. How could I? Even if it was I who broke up with her, I still loved her. But I wished I didn’t; it was excruciating.  She was about to leave soon and I didn’t know if I would ever see her again.

One day, some time towards the end of March, I found an envelope slipped under our front door. It was addressed to me. I opened it, wondering what it was. It turned out to be an invitation to Ssul’s birthday/going away party. There’s no way I’m going. I tossed the invitation aside.

On the day of the party, I was still pondering on whether or not I should go. I was still angry but after all, we had known each other since we were 7 and I couldn’t just not say goodbye. I was fiddling with my computer when I suddenly got a video chat request from AJ hyung. I was so excited; I hadn’t heard from him in awhile.

“Hey Jjung! How’s it going? Congratulations on graduating!” he yelled from the other end of the video chat.

I laughed probably for the first time in a few months. “Thanks hyung. So where exactly are you now? The United States? Asia? Europe?”

“We’re in London right now. We’ll be here for awhile… Anyway where’s Ssul? I want to wish her a happy birthday!” he exclaimed excitedly.

Oh, god! I forgot… I haven’t told hyung yet…!

My face turned gloomy. “We broke up…”

“What?! I thought I just heard you say you were broken up…”

“That is what I said. We’re no longer together hyung…”

“What?! Why?!”

“She’s leaving hyung… Her father got a job in Australia and she’s going with him… She got a scholarship and decided to leave me….”

“What?! So she broke up with you to go to Australia?”

“No… I broke up with her… She lied to me and then she decided to go without even discussing it with me…”

“YOU IDIOT! Why would you break up with her just because of that? Did she say she wanted to break up?” he yelled at me.

“No… but…”

“Did she say she didn’t want to try and work it out?”

“No… but…”

“But nothing! How could you be so selfish?! She’s the best thing that ever happened to you and you’re just going to throw it all away…”

“Me, selfish?! She’s the selfish one! She didn’t ask if it’s okay with me…”

“This is not about you! It’s about her… Jjung, this is a great opportunity for her. What are the chances that she will get another opportunity like this? Can you blame her for taking it? Why can’t you just support her decision and be happy for her? I’m sure you guys can work it out… She can come back or you could go visit her. It’s not a big deall?! Are you just going to give her up like this?! If that’s the case, you don’t deserve her!”

What he had said was really harsh but it knocked some sense into me. He was right… I was being selfish and childish. I was only thinking about myself… How could I just give up like this?! Jung Soojung, once again you’re an idiot!

“Hyung… you’re right! I got to go… I have to go get her back…!”

“Hey! Good luck… and wish her a happy birthday for me…”

“I will hyung… bye!”

I hope I’m not too late… Maybe I really don’t deserve her…

(A few hours later at the party…)

I stood outside the door for quite awhile wondering how I should apologize for my behavior, for constantly hurting her for no reason, and if she would take me back. I stared down at the present I held in my hands. I wanted her to have it even if she didn’t take me back… I had bought it even before we broke up. I took a deep breath and walked in.

I scanned the room, looking for her. I found her in the far corner talking to a few friends. I immediately headed towards her. She was facing away from me so she didn’t see me approach her. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around.

“I didn’t think you were going to come…” she said but she didn’t smile.

“I couldn’t let you leave without at least saying goodbye,” I told her.

“Well, I’m glad you came. It wouldn’t be the same celebrating my birthday without you.”

“Sulli-ah, can we step outside for a moment? We need to talk; I don’t want to leave things like this…”

She hesitated but agreed.

“Jjung, I’m sorry I kept it from you for so long… I just didn’t know…”

“Wait…” I interjected. “Before you say anything… just listen… I’m sorry that I was such a selfish jerk. It’s just that, the thought of you leaving me… well… I just didn’t know what to do. We’ve only been together for such a short time. I thought you didn’t care about me as much as you wanted to go to Australia. But I was wrong and selfish. I was just thinking of myself. But this is not about me. Ssul, I just want you to be happy and I know that this scholarship is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I should have been supportive from the beginning. I’m sorry.”

“Jjung, I never said that going to Australia was more important than us, than you… because nothing is more important to me than you are. It’s just something I have to do. If I don’t I know I will regret it for the rest of my life. But it’s not like it has to be the end of us. We’ll video chat all the time, I can come back during the break, or you can come visit me… We can still make this work. I will only be gone for 3 years. I had at least expected you to be a good friend and support my decision.”

“I know… It just took me awhile to get that. I know I have no right to ask you to forgive me or to ask for you to take me back. I’ve hurt you too many times because of my own insecurities. I don’t deserve you…”

She didn’t respond but I absolutely understood. If I were her, I wouldn’t forgive me either…

“What’s that?” she asked instead, pointing to the little box I was carrying.

“Oh… uhm… Happy Birthday,” I wished her. I was trying to be strong but I was dying on the inside. I handed her the gift. “I wanted you to have it regardless of what happens between us.

She untied the ribbon and opened the box. “Jjung… this is wonderful. I love it…”

“I bought it before this whole thing happened. I had been waiting to give it to you on your birthday…” It was necklace with a heart-shaped lock pendant. Actually it was a couple’s necklace; it came with a matching necklace with a key pendant. Now that we were broken up though, there was no real need for it. “It’s meant to be a couple’s necklace. I want you to keep both necklaces. When you find someone who deserves your heart… you can give them the key…” I told her.

She stayed silent again. It must have been awkward for her that I gave her a couple’s item when we weren’t together anymore.

“I guess I should get going. I just wanted to come wish you a happy birthday and to give you the present. Have a safe flight and I wish you all the best.” I bade her goodbye. I turned around and started walking away.

“Is that it?” she called.

I turned back around. “Uhm… what do you mean?”

“Is that all you had to say to me? Is that all you came here for?”

“Well… I was… I wanted to… I just…” I was tongue tied.

“Are you just going to leave again without even trying?”

“I just thought…”

“You think too much Jjung. Stop thinking… Just do what your heart tells you to do…”

I knew exactly what my heart wanted… I marched back towards her while she was just standing there. I reached out with one hand and cupped her cheek while the other wrapped around her waist and pulled her in towards me. And then I pressed my lips firmly onto hers. I wasn’t sure how she felt. As she had told me, I didn’t think about it. I just did it. She didn’t move, as if she was frozen. I pulled back to face her reaction.

We stared at each other for a moment. I tried to read her expression but she only seemed shocked. She must have not wanted it so I started to let go of her. But then something unexpected happened. She pulled me back in and our raw emotions took over. I had wanted to do this for so long… I kissed her back with all the desire that had been trapped in my heart ever since I first realized that I loved her. I ran my fingers through her long, silky hair and then down her back. I held her even more tightly drawing our bodies closer. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster to the point that it felt like it was going to burst. We pulled apart briefly only to catch our breaths but the moment our lips broke contact, they automatically sought each other out again. We had been waiting for this moment for far too long and all our emotions poured out in that one moment so much so that we were both in tears.

We finally pulled apart when our emotions came under control again. She buried her face in shoulder, still unable to stop her tears.

“What took you so long…?” she murmured, her voice muffled and weary.

I enveloped her with both my arms and her hair gently. “I know. I’m sorry…” I lifted her chin and wiped her tears away. “Don’t cry… I don’t ever want you to cry because of me again… I promise I’ll never make you cry again…”

“I knew you’d come through in the end, my Jjung… I had faith that you wouldn’t just give up on us,” she told me.

“Why are you so good to me, Ssul? I don’t deserve such a great girl like you,” I responded.

“Babo, because I love you! That’s why.”

My heart stopped. Did she just say that she loves me?! It was the first time she had said that to me. I was overjoyed but I felt like such a terrible boyfriend. She knew that she loved me even before I did, and know she said she loved me first. It must have been embarrassing having me as her boyfriend.

I pouted at her. “Hey, that’s not fair… I wanted to say it first!”

“Well… you’re too late. I said it first, so there!” She stuck her tongue out at me.

In just one second, we were back to our childish ways as if the past few months never happened.

“Besides I didn’t want you to complain about how I didn’t love you or how you weren’t important to me… You’re such a baby som…”

I kissed her again; a short peck on the lips.

“What was that for?” she objected.

“You were talking too much. It was the fastest way of shutting you up,” I teased. Honestly, I just wanted to taste her lips again.

She wanted to hit my arm but I caught her hand and held it close to my heart. “My Dduling… no one has or will ever love someone as much as I love you. I promise that I won’t ever let my stupidity get in the way again.”

Her face flushed bright red and she tried to look away but I stopped her.

“I’ll wait for you Ssul. No matter how long, I’ll wait for you. Just promise you’ll come back for me.” I pleaded.

She nodded. “I promise. I’ll definitely come back.”

At that we found ourselves drawn into another kiss as if we were making up for lost time and the short time we knew we had left before we were separated again.

(A few days later at the airport…)

This was it. It was time to say goodbye. Ssul told her parents to go ahead because she wanted a little more time with me. We sat hand in hand, trying to hold on till the very last second before she had to go.

She dug through her bag and pulled out the box with the birthday present that I gave her.

“Jjungie, will you put this on for me?” she asked.

I took the necklace while she turned around and swept her hair to the side. I placed the necklace over her neck and closed the latch.

Then she took out the other necklace with the key on it. “I want you to keep it safe… until I get back. Remember that my heart belongs to you…” she told me and then put the necklace on me.

I grasped the key and held onto it tightly. “I will. I promise. And mine belongs to you…”

It was finally time for her to leave. We had promised each other that we wouldn’t cry no matter what but it proved to be extremely difficult. We gave each other one last kiss, a deep and passionate one. I watched as she walked further and further away from me, occasionally looking back and waving. And then… she was gone…