Jjung and Suzy: Age 18

I was about to follow Ssul and hyung out the door but Suz stepped in front of me and blocked my way.

“Leave it Jjung,” she said with a straight face.

“Move aside Suz, I need to settle something with hyung.” I told her. First Ssul, now Suz. Why is everyone getting in my way?!

“No! It’s not your concern Jjung. Ssul said that she would take care of it herself and she will.”

“But hyung swore he wouldn’t hurt Ssul and I promised to protect her.”

“You don’t always have to protect her. She can take care of herself. She’s not a little kid. Besides it was just for the play. It probably meant nothing.”

I was so angry at that point that our conversation became a shouting match.

“It doesn’t matter! He shouldn’t be kissing Luna when he knows that she’s totally in love with him while he’s with Ssul! He’s going to hurt them both!”

“Yes, but why are you so mad?! Even Ssul isn’t overreacting like you are! They can settle this in a mature manner themselves! You don’t have to in!”

“I’m mad because… BECAUSE…!”

“BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER?!” she cut in.

She had managed to silence me with those few words.

“You love her don’t you…?” she asked.

“Wh… why would you think that?” I stammered.

“Oh please Jjung. I can see the way you look at her. I’m not blind. I don’t understand though. If you love her why be with me?”

I couldn’t believe it. She saw right through me. I couldn’t lie to her any longer. I owed it to her to tell her the truth. “H-How long have you known…?”

“Awhile…” she responded, her voice breaking. She turned her face away from me.

“Then why did you…?” I was baffled. If she knew I liked Ssul then why would she still want to be with me?

“Because I love you, you idiot! I wanted to pretend I didn’t know anything just so we could be together. I hoped so badly that if you were with me long enough that you would eventually grow to love me back and forget about her. I wanted to try even if it meant that I would get hurt.”

Guilt and remorse flooded my heart. “I didn’t mean to hurt you Suz. When I told you I wanted to give us a chance, I meant it.”

“I know… I know that. You’re a good guy Jjung and I know that you meant every word you said. I know you tried your hardest to make this work but I think it’s time we both stopped lying to ourselves. You’ll never love me like you love her…” Tears started rolling down her face.

I pulled her into an embrace. What can I say to comfort her? Even if I wasn’t in love with her, I still loved her dearly. We had been together for almost a year and we’ve had a lot of good times together. “I’m sorry Suz. I’m really, truly sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make this work. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that you had to endure so much pain alone because of me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the love that you so deserve. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you my heart like you had given me yours. You know… I gave my heart away a long time ago… and I never really got it back… I’m so sorry…!” I was now crying too.

“I don’t want you to be sorry and I don’t want you to pity me. I regret nothing. When I was with you, those were the happiest days so I don’t want you to be sorry because I’m not,” she said bravely. Even at this moment she was still the bold girl who had risked her heart when she confessed to me.

“You’re right. I regret nothing. I want you to believe me when I tell you that I was very happy when I was with you too. I’m just sorry that it had to turn out this way.”

I held her in my arms hoping that she could feel my sincerity and how much it pains me too that I was hurting her so badly. We stayed like that for awhile, with her crying in my arms. When her tears finally stopped, she pulled herself away from me.

“So this is goodbye?” I asked.

“Just temporarily… I want us to be friends but I don’t know if I can do that right now. My heart is really broken and I need time to mend it. It will hurt too much if I had to see you knowing I can’t be with you. If you see me from now on, just pretend that you don’t know me. When I’m ready… I will find you. I hope you can grant me this one wish,” she pleaded.

It broke my heart to see her like this. I knew that I was to blame for all this.

“I understand,” I replied.

 She gave me one last lingering hug. “You will always be my first love Jjung,” she whispered. Then she turned around and walked away without looking back.

And I will never forget you Bae Suzy. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me and find someone who really deserves you…