“I’m guessing this doesn’t feel too great now.” A hand weakly hit Jinki as he helped keep Taemin steady as he puked his guts out on the side of the road. A stronger hit came from behind him, but he didn’t even bother looking at who it was, already having a feeling a certain ‘umma’ was behind it.

“Not funny hyung.” Taemin spit almost as soon as he was finished heaving, trying to get the horrible taste from his mouth. A bottle of water was handed to him, but he didn’t even bother touching it. “Can we get some tea? I really want tea right now. Or coffee.” He did take the piece of gum handed to him though, for both his and the others' sakes.

It didn’t matter that it was past eight at night and it was insane to want coffee then, but they all agreed on it and piled back into the van with Taemin right next to the open window. His head stuck out like a dog would do and the wind from driving blew his hair every which way, but he was having fun and that was all that mattered. Once again, Kibum took a picture of him without the model knowing, as he had been all throughout the day and every day. One day we are going to only have these left… I won’t let that happen. “We should film ourselves every day.”

“What?” The question could have been asked by anyone with from all the confused looked Kibum received, but Jonghyun’s dazed-puppy look seemed like the one that belonged to the person who asked.

“I said we should film ourselves every day. Document all of this, this whole journey since it is changing all of our lives.” He looked around at all of them, watching as they understood more and more. “Like video diaries. They don’t have to be long, but just something to have. So that we can look back on them in a few years together and remember all of this as if it were happening.” His unspoken words rang through the van though. Remember Taemin.

“I think it’s a good idea.” Taemin was the first to pipe up as he nodded to the diva. “I might never see them—”

“You will.”

“We don’t know that hyung.” He looked at the original creator of the idea himself before taking a sigh and continuing. “But it something that would be fun to do. There can even be a documentary from it.” The second part was a joke and he gave a smile at it, but not a single laugh came, because it could be. If he didn’t make it and they had the tapes, there was a chance SM would try and put them together for some extra money even after he was gone. “But you guys wouldn’t let that happen, would you? So forget that… It’s still a good idea though. Even if none of you do it, I will.”

“I will too.” Kibum smiled at Taemin and then the others. “I was the one who thought of it after all.”

“I’ll do it as well.” Jinki put his hand out, Kibum’s and Taemin’s going on top of it. “Taemin’s right. It does seem like a good idea.”

Three sets of eyes flickered to Jonghyun, who shrugged before putting his hand forward. “What’s there to lose? I’ll do it.”

Minho was the only one now, but he wasted no time in putting his hand on top. “You are going to watch these, Taemin-ah.”

“Can you guys really forget about me too? I’d put my hand in if I wasn’t driving right now.” Jin smiled in the mirror to them. “Count me in on this too. You’re the third group I’ve been the manager of, but I’m never going to forget any of you.”

“None of us will.”

“So, I guess this is day one of my video log thing for Kibum-hyung…” Taemin fidgeted as he looked at the camera before looking around the dorm for someone. Seeing no one around, he relaxed a little, but not much. “I’m just going to speak informally for this then. It’s currently…” He paused to look at the time on the iPod connected into one of his ears and held it up to the camera, “Two-seventeen in the morning on the fifth of April. I had the first day of chemo yesterday… I ended up being allergic to the first medicine they gave me—Doxorubicin or something like that.”

He picked up a glass of water beside him and drank the disgusting liquid only because it helped suppress the need to cough some. “That scared everyone when I started not being able to breath, but it wasn’t much different from when I have one of my attacks. Speaking of which… that’s why I’m up at this godforsaken hour of the morning. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to use the bathroom and I just started coughing and it felt like my heart was going to burst and my chest was so tight…” He gulped in a deep breath after saying that all without taking one. “I don’t want the hyungs to know about that, but I guess they will when they see this. So I’m sorry I’m hiding things from you, but you already have so much to worry about promoting without me and I know you all are already really worried for me, so there’s no need to not have more.

“But where was I…? The chemo yesterday. Besides getting sick after the reaction, I didn’t feel bad at all until the ride home. Then I made off of us pull over to puke… And then I asked for coffee and we actually got it. Everyone has been really nice to me forever, but now it is like I don’t have to do anything and if I want something everyone wants to pay for it.” He gave a little laugh, trying to be quiet in the dark living room. “You guys didn’t have to do that. I’m not dying yet. I can still do things. I’m not a porcelain doll. I might seem like it, but I’m not. Yet anyways.” The room lit up for a few seconds as a car’s light came through the window and passed. The beams barely hit Taemin’s eyes, but made them twinkle like stars in the sky.

“Kibum-hyung, I know you wanted me to do this so you will have something to look at if I die and remember me by, but I’m not planning on dying. I want to stay with you all until we are all older and doing our own things, and even then. But if I don’t make it, I don’t want any of you to be upset. I’ve spent almost half my life so far with you guys, since we were trainees. I see you more often than my family, and now that they left me, you are my only family. But it already seemed like that. As my family though, you’ve made my life so much better than I could have ever hoped.” A few tears managed to slip out of his eyes, but he did nothing to stop them. “You are all important to me. Jinki-hyung, I know I said this already, but you were the one to believe in me when even the company didn’t, giving me singing lessons when I wasn’t allowed them. If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t have been able to be put in SHINee with you guys. It would have been years before I would have been put in a group—probably EXO since they are the only boy group after us. Think of how long that would have been… So thank you hyung. Thank you for giving me this chance to meet the best people in my life.”

The tears were falling faster and he finally wiped a few away, but more took the place quickly. “And Jonghyun-hyung, you helped me with singing so much as well. And I paid you back by taking all of your parts. I’m sorry for that, but you’re going to be getting them back now…” He gave a smile through the tears, not caring about how he looked. “You’ve always been like my over-protective older brother, caring for me and protecting me from everything. Do you remember at the one award ceremony when we were younger and there was a y dance on stage and I leaned over to ask you if I was allowed to watch it? I still remember that… You told me I could, that I was old enough to… I wasn’t old enough for a lot of things back then, was I?” He gave another little laugh, but he became breathless from it that time. “I just realized I’m old enough to drink now, but I haven’t had more than a sip of wine ever before. I guess that’s one thing I won’t ever experience. Maybe that’s good though… Because if I was anything like Kibum-hyung when he gets drunk…” He gave a smile now.

“And don’t get mad at me for that hyung, but you know it is true. You turn into a girl when you have too much.” Taemin ran his hand through his hair before stopping. “I won’t be able to do this for much longer. All my hair you love playing with is going to fall out hyung. But I have a feeling you’ll be able to find me so many cool hats and wraps that I won’t ever get bored of them.” He let out a sigh, looking away from the camera for a few seconds before looking back, his eyes filled with even more tears. “Kibum-hyung, if I hadn’t been in SHINee, you would have been the lead dancer. You’re better than me, so I don’t know why you weren’t to begin with, but now you will be. You deserve it.” He paused to swallow hard, finding it almost impossible to find his voice again. “There’s so much I want to say to you, yet I don’t know how. But thank you for being there like a mother when I needed one, a friend when I needed that, a brother most of the time, and my main fashion advisor.” There was another small laugh. “Without you, I’d be looking like Jinki-hyung’s airport fashion every day. And while he can look good in it, I don’t. Definitely not. But you were the one who got up early on school mornings to make breakfast and lunch for me, and you were the one to guide me through a lot of things. When you have a kid, they are going to be the luckiest child on the planet with a parent as good as you. And you already have the experience from me too…”

A light flickered on in the hall behind Taemin and he turned to look just as someone walked into the bathroom. “And speaking of you… Nice bed head hyung. No wonder you always get up first.” He could already hear the protests the diva would yell out when he heard that and his smile grew at the thought. “And finally, Minho-hyung. You are as much a big brother to me as Jonghyun-hyung, but more like a friend brother than an older one. Since you are closest to my age, you were my shoulder to cry on when I needed, my comfort during anything. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for all that you did for me…” A cough escaped his mouth, but Taemin managed to hold back the rest for then. “You always took good care of me hyung, but if I’m gone, you have to take care of the others for me, okay? I know I shouldn’t be asking anything else of you, but I need to know that they are okay and you are the one person I trust with that. So please do that for me.” Water ran in the bathroom and Taemin jumped a little closer to the camera he was filming with. “I’m going to go here for today. But…” The water shut off and he looked right into the camera, tear-filled eyes focusing on a person that wasn’t there. “You all have to know that I love you. With my everything. And thank you.”