He was always cold now. Ever since they day his hair fell out. It didn’t matter that it was spring and into the fifties outside now or that he was bundled in layers of clothing—he was just always cold. Nothing seemed to help it.

“It’s April eleventh at eight-twenty-seven in the morning. A week after my first chemo treatment.” Pots banged in the kitchen behind Taemin as he spoke to the camera, but he didn’t even bother looking back at who it was, already knowing. “Ever since Monday, I’ve been freezing cold all the time. I guess that’s because of my hair.” He gestured to the un-covered head then, before pulling his hood up to cover it. Buried in the clothing, he seemed like a small child wearing his older brother’s clothes with how big they were on him. “I had to get some blood work done at the hospital yesterday and they gave me when my next treatment should be. The twenty-fifth. And Doctor Park said I should start being careful to not get sick since the drugs are starting to kill cells now. Which means wearing my mask outside now.”

After searching around him for a few seconds, Taemin held up his simple black face mask. “Kibum-hyung said we were going out later today to get more of these with different colors and stuff. And some hats too. Did you know they make catheter covers? They come in a bunch of colors. Kibum-hyung told me a few days ago, but I didn’t really believe him until I saw some kids at the hospital with them. So I might get a few of those instead of just wrapping my hand every morning. I’ve already gone through almost all of the gauze rolls we have here, which isn’t good if any of us get hurt now.” With a little smile, he continued, “I mean you, Jinki-hyung.”

He looked around the dorm, as if trying to think of what else to say. “Besides being tired and cold, I really don’t feel sick anymore. I guess that’s good. But I don’t like a lot of things now. I know I’ve already said banana milk and a bunch of different things, but I’ve found some foods I do like now. Strawberry milk is really good. And pancakes too. And rice is one of the only things I eat meals now. I used to eat a lot of it anyways, but that was like meals with rice. Now it is rice with some other stuff.” He gave a little laugh, trying not to sound breathless with it.

“Minnie! Breakfast’s ready!” Kibum’s head popped out of the kitchen, zeroing in on the boy in front of the camera. “Finish up and come in here!”

“Yes umma!” Taemin gave one last huge smile to the camera and waved at it before turning it off. With Jinki and Minho at a schedule and Jonghyun sleeping away, the two ate together with Kibum supplying the conversation about their upcoming shopping trip. By the time they were finished, Taemin was already beginning to dread the day.

Fans seemed to know they had to keep a wide space between them and Taemin by now. Where they used to be huge crowds when any of them were seen out, Kibum and he were walking through the mall and being recognized, but no one gathered around. A few people stopped every now and then to take a few pictures, but nothing like they were used to. They had a bubble, and if anyone stepped inside it accidentally, it was only a few seconds before they were back out and apologizing profusely.

Taemin felt the pitying gazes, heard the sympathy in their voices when people tried to talk to them, but he only tried to focus on Kibum. Nothing was going to make the day out go bad.

Finding the hats and masks were easy. Within an hour, they were walking around with Kibum carrying bags full of hats that he just kept grabbing for the boy, and Taemin was even carrying a bag with face masks that Kibum had stocked up for him.

But the covers were a whole other problem. “Hyung, I really don’t need them.”

“They are better than just wrapping your hand though, Minnie.” They’d been across the mall twice, dropped the bags off in the car, and were back again by Kibum’s request, searching for a store carrying what they were looking for.

“I don’t think places carry them. Just order them online if you really want to get some.” A bench came into view and Taemin wasted no time getting to it and sitting, taking a rest he needed very much.

“But it’s always more fun buying things in person!” Kibum tried to protest, until he saw the shape Taemin was in. His skin was paler than normal and he seemed tired from their walking that wasn’t all that much. “Are you okay Minnie?”

“I’m just tired. Can we take a rest for a few minutes?” There wasn’t even a need to answer as Kibum sat down next to the maknae. In minutes, he felt a head fall onto his shoulder and looked to see Taemin passed out asleep.

With a smile, he figured it wasn’t bad to let the boy sleep some and shifted so they were both comfortable on the bench, pulling out his phone as he did. Dialing in a number he knew by heart, he held it to his ear and prayed the person would pick up. “Jjong? Can you come to the mall? Taemin fell asleep and I can’t carry him out.” There were a few grumbles on the other end, but when Kibum hung up, he was smiling.

“Next time, don’t make him shop until he passes out. Understand?” Jonghyun only got a nod like a kid who had stolen a cookie from the cookie jar and was told not to do it again, but was already planning to. “I mean it. You’re going to make him sick like that.”

Kibum froze up at that, going wide eyed from where he was buckling Taemin in. “It will?” His voice had worry laced throughout it, but one only had to see his eyes to know he was scared about what he did. “If he gets sick, it will be my fault?”

“He’s not going to get sick from this, but making him go out like this over and over again will make him.” He leaned on the car next to Kibum’s, making sure to not set the alarm off. “Can you give me a ride back to the apartment?”

“Didn’t you drive here?” There was a shake of Jonghyun’s head.

“I managed to catch the bus. Minho took my keys this morning since he lost him and it was supposed to be my day off.” He didn’t wait for an answer, climbing into the front seat of the car. “Did you guys do well today?”

“You’ll see back at the dorm…”

“He can wear a hat a day for the rest of the year and never wear one twice!” Jonghyun looked at the collection Kibum had laid out across the living room floor, taking up more space than the two of them combined. “How many did you get?”

“I don’t know. If Taemin picked up a hat to look at it, I bought it. And I got some that I figured would be nice for him.” He was playing with the bill of one cap as he spoke, poking the monster teeth on it. “I figured I’d go all out since it’s going to be a while of him wearing hats. And any of us can use them too.”

“But Kibum…” Jonghyun looked like he didn’t want to say what he was going to, choking on the words before they could come out. “We don’t…” Tears started to well up in his eyes, but he ignored them to continue. “There’s no way of knowing… He might not be here in a month for all we know, Kibum. We might…”

“Then that month will be his best, won’t it?” Kibum was glaring at the dino, though it wasn’t real anger fueling it. “But Taemin’s going to pull through. He’s a fighter.” With a push up from the ground, he stalked away from the crying elder on the floor. “I can’t believe you of all people don’t believe in him.”

“Because you don’t see what he goes through every morning and night!” Jonghyun’s counter had the diva freezing and he finally turned to look at the other again. Tears were running down his face like a river, but he was standing and ready to defend himself. “He tries to hide it from all of us, but I finally broke down the walls since we share a room. Every day hurts him. He says it feels like it gets harder to breathe every day.” His hand was clenching and unclenching, trying to control his anger at the younger boy at least a little. “You don’t understand… He has moments of complete blackouts, where he can’t breathe and he can’t say or do anything, but he hears it all. Hears us panic, hears his heart trying its best to work, his lungs gasping for air that won’t come. He’s never described that to you before, has he?” His eyes softened a little, looking at the younger while he remembered Taemin’s episodes during the night. “It’s terrifying, and he’s just describing how it feels to me. Like someone has wrapped your chest and keeps pulling it tighter, until it feels like your ribs should be breaking, but they aren’t. And trying to take in air like it is the thickest syrup in the world; it just can’t seem to come fast enough and you can’t get enough.”

“Hyung…”

“No, Kibum, you need to understand this. We all have this view that if we act like he isn’t sick or that he will get better, he’ll be fine. But that’s not how it works. It’s not even close. By doing that, we are all just hurting him more.” Jonghyun took a few steps forward, until he was right in front of Kibum. With a hand on each of the other’s shoulders, he leaned forward, until he was only centimeters away from Kibum’s face. “Acting like he is going to get better won’t make him any.”

Before either could say anything more, coughs rang out through the apartment. Kibum had barely taken a step towards the room they had come from and Jonghyun was already there, by the bedside of Taemin with the water they always kept in the room and a tissue. As he patted the younger’s back and told him it was all okay and to relax, Kibum could only watch.

The whole while, he was rethinking everything he thought he knew about the boy on the bed.