this is the end *sobbing*

I don’t know what made me cry when I received the call. Was it because I still care about him—even though it’s very little—or was it because I have always been an emotional person? I don’t know. I chose to believe the second option, that I’m indeed a very emotional person.

“He wanted to say goodbye properly. He wished you a happy life, and he knew it’s not with him.”

--

We’re on our way to the crematorium, and I’ve been crying since I received the call—I don’t know why I’m crying, I just can’t stop the tears that flow down heavily from my eyes. Jiyong has been quiet, he doesn’t say a word to me and I don’t dare to speak to him. I know I may be hurting him right now, but I just can’t deny the grief that I’m feeling.

The radio is on to make it not so quiet and it plays cheerful pop song, contrary to what we are feeling right now.

“Is it okay?” Jiyong looks at me. “The radio, is it okay?”

“It’s okay,” I smile to him and I hold his left hand. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” he smiles and he lets go of my hand. “I know how you must be feeling right now.”

“I don’t even know why I’m crying like this,” I let out a sad laugh. “I feel silly.”

“Sometimes things can’t be explained,” he smiles again. “It’s alright, cry it all out, and don’t hold back.”

“Jiyongie, do you think, maybe, I’m being like this because I still love him?” I look out the window and I bite my lower lip. “Is it even possible?”

“It’s definitely possible,” his voice is weak and I regret to ask him such question. “You never end your relationship properly with him. It left some wounds that never heal.”

“Maybe,” I exhale and I try to hold my tears. “Maybe I still do in love with him.”

We fall silent and along the way to the crematorium we don’t speak to each other. I keep crying, and he keeps on humming songs that I don’t know.

--

“Kid, you’re here,” Dongwook pulls me to his embrace and this time I don’t feel disgust. “Thank you.”

I embrace him back. “How did he die?” I look up to him and I know I must look pitiful with swollen eyes. “Did he die in his sleep?”

“He died smiling,” Dongwook smiles sadly. “He died calling your name. You were his prayer.”

--

We watch how the flames slowly exterminating a body that used to hold me to sleep, a body that used to love me, a body that used to protect me. He was a jerk, I must admit, but he was also the one that truly cared for me. He never loved me the way I wanted, but I realize just now that it was only his way.

Dongwook stands beside me and we both weep quietly as we remember how the person that is now slowly exterminated used to fill our lives.

“Kid,” his voice is barely audible. “Do you miss him?”

“I do,” I smile weakly to the flames. “He was pain in the , but I miss him.”

“Tell me about it,” Dongwook laughs pitifully. “He was insane.”

“But we love him nonetheless,” I look up to Dongwook. “I love him.”

“You loved him,” Dongwook looks back to me. “You love Jiyong now.”

“I don’t know,” I look back to the flames. “I don’t know anymore.”

“You’re just grieving,” Dongwook smiles softly. “You will continue on with your life, and so do I. And at times the fact of his absence will hit us like a blow to the chest, and we will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on. He is dead. We are alive. So we must live. Don’t leave Jiyong for a dead person.”

“What if I’m not only grieving? What if I really do in love with Seunghyun again?”

“You’re not, kid,” Dongwook pats my back. “Believe me, you’re only grieving. You love Jiyong. I can see it from the way you look at him.”

“I feel uncertain.”

“That’s what love is all about,” Dongwook smiles. “It’s uncertainty.”

--

The fire has been distinguished and Seunghyun has been turned into ashes. I’m still uncertain, and I can’t seem to face Jiyong right now. I need some time to be alone, to grasp what Dongwook has just told me.

Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m only grieving. But he could be wrong, I could be wrong, everything could be wrong.

I hate uncertainty.

--

“You’re not going home, kid?” Dongwook walks to my direction. “It’s getting late.”

“I don’t know what to do,” I look down, avoiding his eyes that will only remind me of Seunghyun. “I think I need some time to be alone, away from Jiyong.”

He pats my shoulder and he ruffles my hair. “Take your time, kid. I hope you will make a right decision in the end.”

“Amen.”

--

I’ve been sitting alone in the crematorium, spacing out while looking at the jar that contains Seunghyun’s ashes. I’ve been ignoring my phone, and I have no idea where Jiyong is right now. Maybe he’s home, or he’s waiting for me outside. I don’t know.

I exhale as I close my eyes, hoping for an answer to wash my uncertainty away.

Do I love Jiyong?

--

“Jiyongie, I can’t sleep,” I wriggled and I kept turning my body around on the bed. “This peeves me.”

He held my body and he rubbed my back. “Close your eyes and try, don’t think about anything else.”

“I can’t,” I pouted, being all like a big baby. “Read me a bed-time story.”

He laughed. “Bed-time story?” he nuzzled my neck. “Alright, as you wish.”

“What’s the story about?”

“It’s a story about you and me,” he kissed my cheek. “A story about how a man named Kwon Jiyong met his one in an apartment.”

“I knew that story,” I blushed. “Don’t you have other stories?”

“I don’t,” he laughed. “It’s the only story I have so far, maybe there will be more.”

“So far?”

“Yes, I’m planning to write more beautiful stories with you.”

--

I open my eyes to realization.

I love Kwon Jiyong.

And I was stupid to even think that I don’t.

--

Jiyong is nowhere to be found and I guess he’s home. So I stop a cab, and I force the driver to drive faster. I need to be home quick, I have to see Jiyong and apologize.

I love you. I’m sorry.

--

I’m finally home and I run all the way to our apartment, not even bothering to use the elevator. I run and run, not caring how my legs turn numb. I need to see my Jiyong, I need to apologize, and I need him beside me.

I reach the 9^th floor after much struggle and I’m sweating from both nervousness and running. I quickly open the door that’s weirdly not locked and I find nothing but complete darkness inside. Jiyong is not home, or maybe he was and he left. I fall on my knees and I start to cry, cursing myself for being so stupid.

I’m sorry.

--

I have been crying outside my apartment for I don’t know how long, I can’t seem to do anything else but weep.

“Seunghyun-ah, what are you doing right there?”

I look up to the voice that I’ve wanted to hear and I run to it.

“Seunghyun-ah, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” I wail and I hold him tightly. “I’m sorry.”

He hugs me back and he kisses my forehead. “It’s alright, and I’m sorry that I left you alone.”

“It’s okay,” I sob yet I start to smile. I pull away and I hold his face, and I lean closer to kiss him. “I love you, I love you, and I love you. It will stay like that forever.”

“Never doubt me again,” he kisses me back. “I love you, and even if I say it countless time, it will never be enough.”

--

this is the end...

thank you for the love, the supports, EVERYTHING!

and to whoever upvoted this, THANK YOU. I can't see your name (it's not showing up) but THANK YOU.

see you in Tuesdays with Jiyong and Deceived (my new fiction)

:)