I open my eyes only to see my bedroom is pitching black. It’s already evening and I haven’t the lamp because I fell asleep when I stared at the ceiling blankly. I guess I was tired from moving in. I get up to stretch my body and I yawn widely; the nap was really good. I walk to switch on the light and I grab my towel, heading to the bathroom.

I walk outside my bedroom and I smell food from the kitchen; my roommate must be cooking his dinner. My stomach growls, I remember just now that I haven’t eaten anything since this noon. I groan as I continue walking to the bathroom, still feeling sleepy—my eyes haven’t even opened perfectly yet—and I place my towel on the hanger as I enter it.

I undress myself sleepily, starting from my t-shirt to my boxer. I yawn again as I stretch my bare body and turn around. I find my roommate is there, covered only with blanket around his hips and he’s smiling at me.

“HOLY SH*T!!!” I panic and I quickly cover my private parts with my towel.

He laughs, “Uhm, sorry, I better lock the door next time.”

I blush; the view in front of me is something. Water drips from his hair to his face, his body to his…alright, stop it. He walks past me—still smiling—and his shiny muscular body just get me. I feel my legs turn wobbly and my face heats up from embarrassment.

Just when I’m about to uncover myself he opens the door again, “I have cooked the dinner, tomorrow will be your turn to cook.”

I cover myself abruptly and nod, still too shock to say even a word. It’s the second time I see his bare body today. If he plans to continue showing his bare body to me then I’m going to die slowly. After he finally leaves for good I quickly lock the door and finally showering.

I turn on the hot water and the water starts flowing onto my body. It relaxes my tensed muscle; it feels good to finally relax after all day unpacking and cleaning up my bedroom. I lower my head, letting water flows onto my hair and relaxing my mind. As I wash my hair, I start to feel doubt and anxiety again.

I moved here to find the purpose of my life, to find the answer, to assure myself of who I will become. Instead I met this stranger who became my roommate right away because of the seller’s stupidity. He made me wonder of who he really is, what his purpose to live alone was, and whether he is looking for assurance like I do or not.

I sigh as I finish my shower and I dry myself. I put on my t-shirt and my short from before because I forgot to bring the new one—and there’s no way I’m going outside only with towels around my hips. I walk outside the bathroom and I find my roommate is sitting on the couch, watching TV.

He’s wearing an a-shirt and khaki short plus glasses. I can’t exactly describe how he looks at the moment; I can only say that he looks dashing and handsome. But I’m back to reality after he calls me.

“Hyung, are you okay? You’re not answering me.”

“Uh? What?”

“I asked you if you want to have dinner now twice.”

I blush, “Uhm, sorry, yes I want to after I change my clothes.”

I run quickly to my room and exhale. This is bad, really bad; I’m literally head over heels for him. I couldn’t breathe whenever he talked to me; I couldn’t even look at him straight because of his very good-looking face. I rub my temple and slap my cheek, trying to bring myself to reality.

If I continue like this I’ll end up being hurt, because there’s no way he will ever like me back. I’m the only one who’s different here; I have always been different. He won’t talk to me if he knows that I’m different. I’ll be alone again, and I’ll have no life that I wished for—a normal life.

I sigh and I change my clothes quickly, not wanting him to wait too long. After I put on new shirt and new short I walk outside to the living room where he’s sitting on the couch. I cough nervously and he looks up to me.

He smiles cheerfully, “Dinner time.”

I laugh awkwardly and walk over to dining table with him. He sits across me and he hands me a bowl of fried food.

“Sorry, I can only cook this.”

I smile, “It’s okay, thank you for cooking.”

He scoops himself a bowl of rice and he starts eating. The room becomes silent and I scoop myself a bowl of rice nervously. I guess I just can’t stop being nervous and awkward in front of my roommate. I start to eat but the urge to talk to him is just too high, so I talk to him.

“So, uhm, what made you live alone? Uh, no, that sounds wrong, I mean-”

“Chill out, hyung,” he laughs, “I get what you’re asking.”

I laugh nervously and he answers me, “I wanted to have a new start, I wanted to restart my life. Silly, eh?”

“No, not at all,” I shake my head abruptly, “that’s not silly. People do want to restart their life sometimes.”

He smiles at me, “What about you, hyung?”

“Well, uhm I just finished my study and I got a job. So I wanted to live on my own, I wanted to be independent.”

“Congratulations,” he smiles charmingly, “good luck with your new job.”

I blush, “Thank you, and you too good luck with everything.”

He laughs and I try hard not to do anything stupid, and by stupid I mean things like hugging him or saying anything that simply sound stupid. So I stay silent and continue eating without saying a word.

“Hyung?”

“Yes?” Oh God he called me.

“You have a tattoo?”

I gasp, “How do you-” I choke, he knows because he saw me ! “Uh, yes I have a tattoo. Why?”

“It looks cool. What does it say?”

“Uhm…” I hesitate, “my sister’s name.”

He smiles, “You love your sister so much.”

I nod, choking inside. This is not something that I want to talk about with a stranger like him. I barely know him; I can’t trust him so easily even though I have fallen for him since I saw him walking inside the building.

“I have a sister,” he says again, “but, uh, I’m sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable.”

I look up to him, “No, it’s alright, I just don’t feel like talking about her right now.”

He nods, smiling to me, “Apparently it’s not that bad to have a roommate.”

“Yes, it’s kind of fun.”

We continue eating our dinner in silent and after we finish it I voluntarily wash the dishes. He leaves straight to his bedroom after he said ‘thank you’. I wash the dishes quickly and enter my bedroom after that. The day has worn me out but I feel happy, because somehow I’m sure it’s going to be great. He’s right; it’s not that bad to have a roommate.

--

“Jiyong-ah, where are you?”

I look at the one who called my name, it’s my sister. I run to her and I hug her tight, not wanting to let go. I’m afraid if I let go she’ll go away from me again.

“Noona, I miss you, please don’t leave.”

“What are you doing?” she pushes me away.

I look to her and to myself. She’s still the same, not a bit change, while I look exactly the way I am today. I have grown up and my sister stays the same. I cry and I hug her again but she pushes me away. She looks confused and she’s tearing up.

“Noona, please don’t cry,” I start to cry and she walks away slowly from me.

“You are not my dongsaeng, he’s only 16.”

“Noona, this is me, I’m sorry I’m the only one growing up…”

“You are not him! Go away!”

I run to her, spreading my arms to embrace her but she’s gone and I can only cry. I feel dizzy, as if something banging loudly beside me.

--

I open my eyes as my door knocked louder. I groan and I wipe my tears, walking to the door and open it lazily. My roommate stands there and he smiles awkwardly to me.

“Hyung, are you okay?”

I nod, “It was nightmare. Sorry if I disturbed you.”

He shakes his head, “No, no, it’s okay. I thought something happened because you cried very loudly.”

I blush, “Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” he smiles, “so, uh, I’m going back to sleep. Good night.”

This must be the part of my dream. “Good night.”

He walks back to his room and I secretly pinch my hand. To my surprise, it hurts. I am not dreaming. He was really talking to me and said good night. I close my door and jump onto my bed happily.

I don’t care if he doesn’t like me that way—the way I do—but at least he likes me. He likes me as his roommate and that’s enough for someone different like me. Well, at least for now.