A/N: Thank you for waiting, my laptop hasn't been able to be fixed so I'll be writing this out on AFF. I'm happy to welcome my newest subscribers: MrGeeDee, kimchan, Yumiko-chan, ndd2604, & sushmita!

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December 25^th, 2011:

They deployed me on a mission in Japan yesterday; they said that I could find some stuff from this triad. We had to either get the money or take out the leader. They sent me in for negotiations because of my newbie status, I saw the money right by his foot, I swear I did, but he said he didn’t have anything. For some reason that really bothered me and so I didn’t think twice about pulling the trigger. It was like it was a part of me. Is it a part of me now? I managed to get the money and kill someone in the process…what’s worse is that I don’t feel remorse. I took people’s lives and yet all I feel is numbness. I think I finally kicked my emotions to the curb. It feels good, light.

It sounded like he was suffering a lot. I wondered how it would feel to shut everything down and not care…I bet kind of weird. I placed my fingers in the page so I wouldn’t lose my place and glance at Big Seunghyun’s bed, his condition still painstakingly slow yet stable. He’s technically shut down, right? “How does it feel to have no thoughts?” I don’t want to die, but, I’m kind of curious about it. Youngbae obviously let it all go. I was frustrated and stressed out; I didn’t want to think about anything anymore. But it was my responsibility to read everything Youngbae had to say and to make sure Little Seunghyun and I didn’t do something wrong.

January 1^st, 2012:

Umma, Hyungbae and Chaerin kept pestering me about where I left to. They said I missed a lot at school and at home, I don’t care. All that matters is that I’m getting closer and closer to all the things I need…but at the same time I’m getting deeper and deeper into the Shadows. There’s a part of me that knows I’m not doing right, but there’s a thrill to it. I like not being myself. I enjoy letting go of everything. I can be the person I’ve always wanted to be in the Shadows; I’ve always wanted to be intimidating, but I never had the heart to be so. I’m reborn in this gang; I’m not tied down to anything anymore.

“Anything good?” I didn’t realize Bom was sitting on the opposite side of Seunghyun. Between all of us, she and I were the ones who visited daily. I cleared my throat and shrugged, marking my page.

“Sort of, I understand a lot more about him…I still have a couple journals left though,” I gestured to the small stack.

“Why don’t you just skim through it? You seem to be looking for something in his writing, you’ll take less time and it’ll be easier to find the answers,” she suggested. It’s logical, but I really wanted to read every word of his journals. “Little Seunghyun wants those vials.” Read them now. I placed the second book on the table and grabbed the final journal; the most recent entries were recorded in here. I could get to the second and third books in my free time, but Bom was right, I needed answers now. I flipped back to when he first got into jail, around a couple weeks ago.

June 4^th, 2013:

This was the only thing they’d let me bring, I want to rot in this cell but two weeks isn’t enough time. I don’t know why I did everything…everything that made me who I am today, but it happened. Chaerin was trying to knock some sense into me; it took me two years to actually hit her. The feeling in my chest when I did, the feeling of being pummeled to the ground by her cousin’s friend and his pal, and it just felt like it was the right thing to do. I wrecked myself and I know it. I deserve this…but I know I should try to get out. Hyungbae has the gang on standby, my trial just needs to come and they’ll break me out. After all, I’m the boss. But people think I’m crazy, but I swear to God they’re evil. It took me a long time I know. But they’re evil! They can’t have the vials…

June 7^th, 2013:

I met with my lawyer; he doesn’t think we’ll win, not with the felonies I’ve committed. But they won’t listen to me; they don’t understand it wasn’t my fault. It was theirs! They’re reaching out, I look around and I saw people who knew the same things I knew, they’re drifting into the same craziness I am. Yeah, I know I’m insane. I’m ing crazy but I can’t help it. They can’t have the vials…not to do what they want to do. I bet you someone else knows, I can’t leave them with Tablo. But who else is there?

June 9^th, 2013:

I re-wrote my will today. I’m giving these journals to Jiyong, since he looks like he knows something. So does that younger Seunghyun, I’m giving them both the vials. Be careful with them. Please…

My eyes scanned through the next couple of pages, my mind was freaking out. “You okay Ji?” He stopped writing! I groaned and rubbed my eyes. DAMMIT.

“Yeah, I’m fine…” Most of my questions were answered, but the big ones were left untouched. “I just wish the guy wrote more.”

“Did you even look through all the pages? Sometimes you have to find the right page—.”

“Oh my God! I didn’t think of that Noona!” I reached over Seunghyun’s bed and hugged her quickly while returning my attention to the book, scanning the pages for signs of lead or ink.

“What’s so important about that book anyway? Isn’t it just Youngbae?” Bom asked while gently holding the fallen agent’s hand. 

“It’s not just a book, he knows things that I need to figure out,” I explained.

“Very vague,” Bom mumbled.

“I might tell you some other time, if you choose to believe me,” I offered and she sighed.

“Aresso,” she replied softly while still gazing at Seunghyun lovingly. I don’t remember the last time I looked that way at anyone. I shook my head, clearing my thoughts only on the journal. I finally found the fourth to last page, far enough in the back so no one would look but enough in the front so you wouldn’t see the ink through the last page.

June 21^st, 2013:

Don’t hate me Jiyong. It was their fault. They made me I swear to God if I knew that they would corrupt me I would’ve stopped a long time ago!! I’m not crazy, you know this right? You know it was those people right? Please, get out before you’re too deep! Did they tell you to help them? How long have you known? If you stay too long it’ll be the only thing on your mind. It’s drilled in; I can’t shake it loose no matter how hard I hit my head! Please tell me you know what’s wrong with me, I can’t look in a mirror the same way anymore and they’re all over the interrogation rooms! Don’t let Ji drink the vials. Don’t let any of them, but especially your double. I had to do what I had to do. By the time you read this I’ll be dead, someone else will probably be dead, and the Shadow Gang will also be dead. They’re your only problem now. I just couldn’t live to solve it with you. I’m sorry, please take care of Chaerin for me, I still love her. I’m sorry to Daesung too; I never got to be great friends with him. I’m sorry for Hyungbae getting mixed in with the gang. I’m sorry for Umma…I let her down. I let everyone down even myself. I’m sorry you and the kid are alone Jiyong, but you’ll have to get used to it.

He still didn’t answer my question about what the people of Bottom’s Up were planning but this was all I needed to know that the vials should stay somewhere hidden and not with the others. I need to tell Little Seunghyun about this. It was time to reveal the truth about these people to him. “Noona, do you know where Seunghyun is?” I asked her while gathering the books into my arms.

“Oh, psh, right he wanted me to tell you that whatever you guys got from Youngbae was given to him after he persuaded the police. He said he’s on his way to your guys’ hangout and for you to meet him there.”