The little oranges emit a cute “whee” in a synchronized manner as I swipe them off the screen. I find that the game ‘Fruit Pop’ is a very relaxing and takes my mind off everything. Again, the blueberries shriek as I make another huge combo, emptying the screen. However, a few seconds before the game ends, the door to my room opens and an fuming Lauren trudges in, hands to her side stiffly and face frowning.

“What’s up, Lauren?”  I clicked the center button of my iPod touch and the screen reverts to the main menu before I lock it. I sit up straight and pat the space next to me. Lauren immediately jumps to my offer and sits up with folded legs.

 “I had a fight with Kai.”

“Okay, spill. Rant your head off,” I nod, urging her. She doesn’t waste a minute.

“Okay, so we were planning on going out to see a movie again today. And I told him to check the schedule of the movies and pick one that he wants to watch. And then he said he wanted to watch G.I. Jack or something like that, I forgot. But it was one of those fighting movies, so he said I might not want to watch. But then I told him I don’t mind since he always watched the chick flicks with me anyway.”

“Go on…I don’t see the problem.”

“Not yet,” Lauren holds up a finger solemnly.

“So then he insists that I choose the movie and you know how indecisive I can be. I find this to be such a moot conversation between us and everytime we start like this, I know it is going to end in an argument and I hate arguing. I cannot stand the drama and the tension and just…everything. So yeah, like I predicted, we ended up arguing because he says I always make him choose and then I end up not liking his choice. When does that ever happen? I may not like it, but I never hate whatever he likes…I can’t. And I never complain about it. I don’t get him,” she says thought gritted teeth and she punches a dead and floppy pillow on my bed.

“Maybe he can read your expressions, Lauren. You know…maybe you make faces like that time he took you to watch the soccer game?” I remind her of when she told me she didn’t really have a good time watching people uselessly kicking around a single ball all around a humongous field.

Lauren taps her chin thoughtfully, eyes glazed over. “Hmm…you might be right…but still...why is it so hard to come to a decision? I hate this. You know what? I can’t stand this. Sometimes, I can’t stand Kai at all. He is practically asking for a break up. I swear, I wonder how anyone can talk that obnoxiously to someone they say they love? It is not possible. Impossible, I tell you,” Lauren whines and let herself fall headfirst into the bed so her whining is muffled. I sigh and pat her head and mess it up a little. I couldn’t resist.

“Ugh, he is …ugh, I want to punch his face. Can I punch him? No, I’m sorry, I can’t. He is too nice and too lovely, I can’t. Oh my gosh, Kimmy, you need to make me sane again. Kai drives me crazy,” she covers her face in her hands. I laugh at the frustrated Lauren.

“Lauren, but you still love him anyway?”

“Yeah! I can’t even begin to imagine being without him. But at times like this…” she shakes her head. A thought at the back of my head tugs my heart.

“How do you know…if you’re in love, Lauren?” I ask slowly, genuinely curious. Lauren looks at me incredulously.

“You’re the matchmaker, Kimmy. You tell me.”

“No, I honestly have no idea. I mean…I can see other’s chemistry but that’s it.”

“…For someone smart, you are kind of slow. Kind of. Sorry, not sorry.” She grins really wide. Lauren is never to type to mop around for more than a few minutes, which makes her my best friend.

“You dolt, Lauren.” I narrow my eyes at her and she burst out laughing.

“It’s not just the chemistry, I guess.  It’s…can you stand the thought of being away from the person? Like…I mean ‘stand’ as in you’ll survive and feel happy again…It’s cliché and corny, but that’s how I feel about Kai. Actually, I am going to text him right now.” She nods and pulls out her cell phone but her screen says a message is already waiting for her. She frowns and clicks on it.

“See, he can’t stand it too. He says he misses me already and he says we should just go get bubble tea later. That’s my boyfriend for you,” she giggles giddily and types back a reply at the speed of light, her smile still not fading away. When she is done, she tosses her phone away and soon realizes her mistake. She makes a move to snatch it back and puts it close to her before reverting her attention back to me.

“So everything’s good with Kai?”

“Yep. He is one of a kind, that silly dork.”

“You’re the silly, dork’s girlfriend,” I point out.

“Oh shush. You might soon well be the girlfriend of a dork too,” she sniffs and flicks her hair.

“What dork?”

“Luhan?”

“Oh… erm see…” I start laughing nervously.

“Okay, I smell gossip. Spill.” She makes a fierce face expression which makes me laugh. But I start telling her about what happened yesterday.

“Wow…tough choice, Kimmy…Woah, Luhan and Baekhyun…” she whistles.

“Someone needs to just kidnap me right now, away from all this,” I wail and copy her movement of slamming my face right on the bed.

“Well…all I can say is…choose whoever you feel like you can’t live without. Listen to the wise words of Master Lauren,” she says wisely, waving her hand in the air and bowing down.

“Wow, that’s a really good advice, Lauren. It’s oh-so-clear…don’t you have to go somewhere with Kai?” I eye the blinking screen on her phone again.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” she lunges for it and her eyes skim through the new text. I think I was right because she suddenly jumped up and hugged me.

“Thanks for listening to my rant and all, Kimmy, but I have to run back. He is waiting like an impatient porcupine outside my room,” she grimaces. I hug her back and smile.

“Anytime, Lauren. You are always listening to my rant anyway.”

“Good luck with your boys,” she shouts as she skips her way out of my rooms, leaving me in silence once again. The dreaded silence in my own room that even I don’t like.

“Forget it, I am eating the chocolates,” I announce to no one else in particular but to myself. I restrain myself from eating them everyday so I can save more for rainy days, but all that mess yesterday calls for some chocolate. I hop off my bed and my hands reach for the box of chocolates shaped like animals…the ones from Luhan.

They are too sweet. Why are they too sweet? It’s sickening… I swallow after biting it a few times and sit on my study chair. I grab the Rubik’s cube from Luhan and start playing with it absent-mindedly. I didn’t remember ever feeling sick of the chocolates from Lulu. This is weird.

Out of curiosity, I snag a piece from the box given by Baekhyun. The ballerina has her eyes closed and poised body. I ignore her elegance and the intricate detail before I pop it in my mouth. And then I find myself taking more and more from the box. The chocolate…is addictive. It’s sweet but bitter at the same time. It leaves a funny aftertaste…not that it’s a bad kind of funny. In fact, it leaves me wanting more and more. Maybe this is why I found Luhan’s ones too sweet now. I am beginning to love the bitterness. The taste is intriguing.

It’s like Baekhyun.

I find myself falling deeply for him. Why did I not see this coming? Luhan…I like him…but it feels different with Baekhyun. Those moments with him, I can’t tear myself away from those memories. Luhan …isn’t for me. He is sweet, caring and well…perfect, but not for me. I break a little inside when I realize… now that I know my answer, I have a heart to break. I hope it is not going to end that way. I hope Luhan comes up to me and tells me that yesterday was just a joke. It’s all a dream…

Of course, one can only hope. Hoping doesn’t turn thing to reality. I really deserve to be put in exile for doing this to Luhan. I shouldn’t have ever gone on that date with him…I shouldn’t. It was a big mistake. I shouldn’t have been a er for his sad eyes. I wish I can turn back time…and…well I don’t actually know what I would have done differently. Maybe I could have stop being friendly to Luhan…would that make things easier for him? But right now, I am still asking him to be my best friend. Is this fair for him? I sigh and throw away the Rubik’s cube, the colors all mismatched now. I will figure this out for him. I will…for Luhan. This is the least I can do.

If I…am to tell Luhan that…what do I tell Baekhyun?

Am I even … in love with him?

Okay, this is a joke. I mentally slap myself. The answer is so plain, so simple, yet so easily overlooked.

Who have I been quietly obsessing about these past few days? Who has visited my dreams, claiming to be some sort of angel? Whose smile is replayed in my mind every night before I sleep? More than is normal, anyway. Who do I wait for everyday in my room, wishing that he would come in, take me somewhere on a whim, and secretly hoping that something magical might happen? Of course, this is a stretch on my part, but only one person makes me feel this way. And I…have been in denial. I have been clinging on to another person, thinking that I can have both…thinking that this way no one will get hurt. But at the end of the day, I can only have one. Just one. The one I truly love.

Byun Baekhyun, I am in love with you. Sorry for being so blind all this time.  

But I am very much in love with you.