I shift guiltily in my seat. Yes, I am aware that I looked away when Luhan was just a few inches away from me. Yes, I am aware of how perfect the moment was. Yes, I am aware of what a good guy he is. Yes, I am aware of how he might just be my match.

We watch the rest of the movie in silence and I don’t dare sneak any more looks to him. His arms are still around my shoulder, but I sense a little uneasiness. Maybe it’s just my paranoid self, or maybe not. Well, what was I supposed to do? Kiss him right then and there?

Maybe. Maybe I should have. Then? Then what will happen? He asks me to be his girlfriend? And how do I refuse? Wait. Do I even want to refuse? My eyes are glued onto the screen, but my head is in the clouds, making up scenarios, one after another, of what could have happened but didn’t. I am too distracted, that when the ending credits starts playing, I am still frozen in my seat.

Luhan lifts his arms off of me and that move startles me.

“Was it boring?” Luhan looks at me, crestfallen. I’m sorry I ruined it, Lulu.

“No, I was just thinking of how Dorothy could do something appalling like that,” I shake my head and click my tongue. To my relief, Lulu bursts out laughing and all tension dissolves, just like that. I find it easy to forget my troubles when I’m with him. Did I mention that?

“Let’s go,” he takes a hold of my hand, possibly out of habit. Is it counted as habit if it just started a few hours ago? I just play along and follow his lead out the crowded hall. We don’t stop walking until we are finally out of the mall. Honestly, I think Lulu prefers the comfort of home than going out to the mall, which I am perfectly fine with. The sky is getting dark anyway. The wind is blowing stronger and I shiver involuntarily. He noticed because he immediately wraps his arms around me and draws me close to him again.

“Lulu, I’m not that cold,” I point out.

“Okay. I’m not that cold too. We can not be that cold together,” he grins and I roll my eyes at his response. Trust Lulu to come up with a ridiculous answer. We walk in silence until the school building looms before us, tall and menacing. Our prison. I find it unusual that Lulu can actually walk ten steps with me and not speak a word…maybe I am exaggerating, but it isn’t like him to keep still at all.

Almost there. Home.

“Kimmy, tell me the truth,” Luhan starts to say.

Uh oh. He is going to ask me if I like him like that. Or he is going to ask me to go on another date with him. Or worse…he is going to tell me he doesn’t actually like me and that we should not be friends. My mind goes over an endless list of possibilities but I keep calm on the outside.

“Yes, Lulu?”

“Did you have fun today?” Oh gosh. Here I am panicking for nothing.

“Of course I did! I’m glad you took me out,” I smile up at him. He smiles back and under the blue sky that is fast turning darker, I can’t help but admire his striking features. The way his eyes blink so innocently and child-like at me. The small nose that completes his face. And who can ignore his perfectly carved, plump lips? The lips that turns up at the corners whenever those eyes set sight on me? I almost melt under his immensely sweet gaze. I have to break away. So I do just that.

I decide to keep myself entertained with our feet that is synchronized, making thumping noises against the road. He has small feet, just slightly bigger than mine, I thought. Everything about him is cute, like a little boy. It’s hard to remember that this is the boy that can wink playfully at random girls and make them go goo-goo and their knees weak. I have actually seen him do it a few times and I had to take responsibility of him, reminding him that its not nice to take advantage of his … charm like that.

We walk into the building, with Lulu holding the door open for me and waiting until I’m inside before coming in too. He resumes his job as my personal heater and walks us in the direction of my dorm.

Bzzz.

I can feel the pocket of his jeans vibrating. Lulu takes his cell phone out and flips it open. He reads the number of the screen and a flash of guilt takes over his face. He mumbles a ‘sorry’ to me and I nod, so he can take his call. We stop in the main hall.

“Yeah? Oh, yeah of course I didn’t forget! Maybe… maybe yes…fine, I’ll get it for you right now,” he sighs and shoves his cell phone back in his pocket before givng me a look.

“What happened?”

“Um, Kimmy, I kind of need to get something important for my friend,” he puts his hands in his pocket, looking like he feels really guilty.

“Oh, of course. Go ahead then, Lulu,” I say cheerfully, hoping that somehow it can make him feel better.

“So… see you on Monday?” There goes his smile again.

“Yeah, of course!”

He grins and pulls me for a quick hug before he starts walking away. He doesn’t stop waving until I am completely out of his sight. I finally put my hand down too, a little tired. I trudge back to my room and I observe the rare silence of the hall. I take out my key from my purse and push it in the lock to turn it. But my eyes caught on something.

There, plastered all over my door and the walls around it… are flyers.

“Available for any guys!” it says in bold black print. And below it, a picture of … me. Me… in thickly lined eyes and red lips. All over the flyers are nasty words that stings when I look at them. And bottles of alcoholic drinks complete the papers.

I can’t feel. I don’t react. I rip out the few papers that are blocking the gap to my room and I bang the door behind me. I don’t know if I should be angry, or shocked that people can stoop that low. Or sad that I am once again an object of bully. Tears are not flowing. I am strangely calm and numb. I kick my shoes off and went straight to the bathroom to splash some water to my face. Maybe then reality will sink in.

But it doesn’t work. I stare at my reflection for some time, wondering and wondering. Why? Why would they do this? What did I do wrong? Is it wrong… to matchmake people? Is it wrong that I create happy endings? Is it wrong that my dad almost killed someone because he was careless and got drunk one night? Is it?

I press my lips together and take out my Rubik’s cube. It’s a gift from Luhan a few months ago, for my birthday. He thinks it has a calming effect and I can’t argue with him. My fingers spin the little squares, and one by one, they show the same colour. Red. Only red though. I can never get the other colours. Luhan won’t tell me how.

Frustrated with the hopeless cube, I throw it to my bed and grab a jacket. I hug it close to my chest as I walk out my room, ignoring the disgusting flyers. I have only one thought in my mind. One desire.

I need air.

I walk faster, using the emergency fire exit as usual to get out of the school to its other end. The chilly night air welcomes me as usual, and I find it nothing less than comforting. Under the brightest street lamp, my bench of solace awaits me. With chattering teeth, I shuffle to my destination.

Is it bad? That I feel a slight disappointment when I see that no one is there? Was I expecting him? I shouldn’t. He has no responsibility to me. I can’t expect him to be here whenever I feel like company. I find comfort in this cold weather alone, but right now I would give anything to not feel like it’s just me against the world. I don’t even know why its him that I want to be here with. I sit and rest my chin on my hands. I don’t know how long I’ve been there. I feel like time bends for me in times like this.

“Hi Kimmy. Are you, by any chance, waiting for me?”