I breathe in deeply and force myself to step outside to the darkness that will soon envelope me wholly. Am I ready for this?

Is he even going to be there?

I have come to expect his presence there everytime I go…it is not a good thing at all. Why? It’s not like he has any obligations to me…Am I being obsessive? This argument with myself feels like a repeat…

But tonight, I really need him to be there. I need…I don’t know what I need to do but all that is clear to me now is that we need to talk. I may have left Luhan hurt…but I cannot leave both Luhan and Baekhyun that way.

A lone dark figure hovers around by the tree where I was with Luhan mere hours ago. His delicate hair falls over his face, shrouding him in his own world of thoughts and keeping the outside world at bay with the obscurity. Although he is standing right underneath the tall lamppost, the light only serves the purpose of accentuating his dark mood. He is playing with something on the floor, kicking up the leaves here and there, with his shoulders hunched down.

“Baekhyun.” I stop a few steps short of him and I can see smoke from my breath. It is especially cold tonight but I am numb inside and out. The cold does not bother me, since I have more pressing matter that is burning me inside.

He looks up in surprise, not a single trace of smile on his gaunt face. Are his eyes always that empty and cold…? I hate it. I hate it. I hate this. Even with his piercing eyes that so blatantly shouts fury and disappointment to me …I still… I can’t hate him. I don’t blame him. Not at all.

“Kimmy. It’s late, I’m going to sleep. You should too. It’s not safe wandering around alone outside at this time.” His scathing voice cuts me deeper than any knife ever will.

“Baekhyun, wait, I need to talk to you…about just now…I-“

“It’s fine, Kimmy. I was just surprise to…see you there.” He forces a smile and it hurts to see him try so hard only to fail.

“Baekhyun, listen. I… I am so lost with you. You are so frustrating. One minute you are telling me about some girl who isolates you and things like that. And then you go around singing some stupid sweet song to me and acting like we can be something more than friends when really, there is really no hope for me. If you already like someone else, you shouldn’t play with other girl’s heart. I thought you, out of all people, would know that. I trusted you, Baekhyun… And then you get mad because Luhan kissed me. Why? Tell me why because I so do want to know. Please enlighten me. Do you have a right to be mad?” Baekhyun looks blankly at me when I shout at him. Maybe shouting is appropriate. Despite our close distance, I don’t think he can hear me well.

“You should go and kiss the girl you already have your eyes on. Do you think it doesn’t hurt to feel happy and sad at the same time every time we talk? Because it does. It hurts all the time. I know I have no chance with you. I don’t even know why I still talk to you.” I realize I have tears in my eyes when I end my speech with a soft whisper. I do hope he can hear me. I won’t have to shout again, will I? I am exhausted and my throat feels dry and strained already.

Baekhyun looks at me with guilty eyes. He opens his mouth and takes a slow step forward, closing the distance between us. His thumb gently wipes a single drop of angry tear away from the corner of my eyes. His gesture makes me weak and takes away all anger or will so I can’t bring myself to swat his hand away. I can only sniff and look down on the ground, ashamed at my outburst. He chooses to tilt my chin up so he can bear his eyes on mine, this time overflowing with emotions, burning with intensity.

“Kimmy, I am so sorry for hurting you. I never intended to, trust me. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I thought no one can be this oblivious, but apparently, I was wrong.” He chuckles.

“I was talking about you, Kimmy. I wish you would notice me. I wish you would feel something more for me…something more than just a friendly feeling. Would I have led a girl on if I don’t have something for her? I would never do anything like that. I love you, Kimmy. I love you as much as my heart would let me. It…breaks my heart to see you and Luhan…I don’t know what came over me just now. I shouldn’t have been so rude. I’m sorry, Kimmy,” he apologizes.

I stare at him, paralyzed. Am I hearing things wrong? Baekhun…he… Why? I don’t understand…but then again, can I really even explain my attraction to Baekhyun or Luhan? I don’t think so. I guess I just answered my own question. Knowing Baekhyun, he probably would have given me a vague answer anyway.

“Baekhyun, that wasn’t your fault. I am so sorry, I didn’t realize sooner…I could have stopped…that. Everything. Luhan…he just confessed to me and I was in shock. I didn’t know what was happening and well…yeah,” I mutter and look away from him. I don’t deserve to look in his beautiful eyes.

“Kimmy, there’s no need to say sorry. An oblivious person wouldn’t know she is being oblivious, would she?” he tries to humour me.

“Hmm.” I don’t know what else to say.

“Kimmy?”

I look back to his face, searching his eyes for answers to questions in my head.

“How do you feel…about me?” he falters in the last two words, afraid of my answer. His confidence is starting to crumble.

“I…I can’t answer that now.”

“You said…you feel hurt when you imagine me with someone else. I can’t explain why anyone would feel that way unless…”

“I know what you mean.”

“But Kimmy, I can’t…keep on seeing you with Luhan like that. I have to admit, I am not that strong…to keep on holding it in.”

“What are you trying to say?” My voice becomes hoarse as my throat goes dry in an instant. What does he mean?

“I guess…I am asking you to choose…Luhan or me. Or none.”

“Baek, I-”

“Kimmy, whatever you choose, I’ll be right behind you. You know that, right? When have I ever left you? I won’t, Kimmy. I promise you. I just want you to be happy with your choice.”

A wave of emotions take over my mind, endlessly shouting to me. I want to shut the whole world out. I want to be able to think. But I can’t. Baekhyun…the thought of being without him in my life…my heart is aching already. I feel a gigantic hole carved in my breaking heart, a hole left by Byun Baekhyun. There is no way anyone can think straight in a position like this. No way at all.

“Kimmy, don’t cry anymore. Please?” He wipes away more tears with his fingers. I must be looking hideous right now, all choked up with stuffy nose, but he doesn’t say anything. In fact, he is looking at me with worry, amusement and admiration… His eyes are back to being the warm brown shade that I am used to and that I love.

“I can’t…leave Luhan…I” I don’t know what I am saying. Kimmy, you are an idiot. Don’t say that in front of Baekhyun, you stupid girl…

Sure enough, Baekhyun’s expression hardens in a split second, but he still keeps his smile on.

“I love you, Kimmy. So much. But choose, okay?” He looks at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen on him, crooked eyebrows and a turned down lips. I catch a flicker of hesitation on his face.

And then under the yellow moonlight, he closes his eyes and leans in, planting a tender, meaningful kiss on my forehead. I feel his soft lips on mine, the lips that I wonder about occasionally… They are warm on my cold skin and I can feel his familiar breath. I feel ablaze with fire and electricity running down my spine. I remain frozen, not daring to even breath. This moment…I don’t want it to be gone. I want to cherish it forever. I can feel Baekhyun trying to tell me everything he is feeling, just from his kiss. It also…feels like a parting kiss. A goodbye kiss…

 He pulls away and again…those sad eyes. Those haunting eyes. Is this any better than the cold, hollow ones I proclaimed to have hated more than anything? Because why do I feel broken from seeing him like this? Can I take back my words? I hate seeing Baekhyun sad beyond anything. He…can’t be sad. He’s an angel…He’s my angel…

“I will see you when I see you then, Kimmy. Goodnight,” he throws me a melancholic smile before releasing his hold on my waist. I am left feeling bare and exposed to the cruel night air, but not cold at all.

He walks away and I watch his silhouette fade as he blends in with the darkness just before entering the building. For the first time, Baekhyun left me first. And he left me with choices. I feel heavy and burdened with unsettled feelings. I struggle to walk myself to the bench, a dim light just over it. There, I sit and bury my face in my hands. And then I just sob, letting every single inch of emotion out. 

A/N: ohkai... PICK. GO.