SEHUN

 

 

I can't breathe. Jongin, please. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to hurt you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Please. I think to myself as I lay, curled up in a ball in the lobby of our apartment. I'm crying, but I can't hear myself. I can only hear Jongin's words, reverberating in my skull- "thinking about him... You don't love me.... Me, your boyfriend.. You don't love me.... Thinking about HIM".

No. No you're Wrong. I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. Jongin, please. 

 

But I know he is long gone. 

 

"Sehun! Oh my god!" 

 

I looked up at the sound of the familiar voice, but dropped my head down again when my brain registered that it wasn't Jongin. 

 

"Sehun! Sehun, look at me!" Joonmyun whispered. I looked up, miserably, into Joonmyun's eyes. I sniffed, thinking I was able to hold in the tears now, but I was wrong. Joonmyun's worried face only made it worse. I burst into tears again, as Joonmyun put one arm under my knees, one around my waist and carried me from the lobby. 

 

Down the hall, my door was still open, so he carried me in, and put me on the couch. He went into the kitchen, and I curled up into a ball again, and cried some more. He returned soon after with a box of tissues and a wet washcloth. And a pint of mint ice cream, which only made me cry harder from memories of sharing mint ice cream with Jongin. 

 

Joonmyun put the cloth on my forehead, set the tissues beside me, and held out the ice cream. When I pushed his hand away, he opened it and started eating it himself, so like him. When he was done with the ice cream, I was still sobbing into the couch pillow.

 

"Okay, this is pathetic, Sehun-ah".

 

"Wow. Thank you, Grandpa, you give great advice," I wiped my face on my sleeve as I sat up. 

 

"What's going on? What happened with Jongin, Sehun-ah?" 

 

"How do you know," I paused to blow my nose, "that this has ANYTHING to do with Jongin?" 

 

"Two reasons, my dear Sehun. He is the only reason I have ever seen you cry. And he isn't here comforting you".

 

"I don't want to talk about it-"

 

"But you need to, so start talking right now".

 

"We had a fight".

 

"Yes. I gathered that much, Sehun-ah". 

 

"Well...it was a big one. There was yelling and-" I swallowed hard, "I don't...I don't even know if we are still together anymore". I said flatly.

 

Joonmyun's eyes widened. 

 

"Not together anymore? Sehun, you've been together for-"

 

"Four years, don't you think I know that?"

 

"What...what did you do?"

 

"Me? Why do you think it was me?" I yelled angrily. 

 

"Because YOU are the one that's here, so clearly he left because he was angry. YOU are the one crying, because of guilt, most likely; and YOU are the one who is telling me this like YOU are the one that messed up".

 

I rubbed my eyes, wondering how he knew all that, trying to think of a comeback.

 

"OR," I retaliated, "I'm here because I kicked him out. I'm crying because he hurt me. And why wouldn't I blame myself?" I stared into his eyes, but he could tell I was lying, he always could. "Hyung. I didn't mean to hurt him. I didn't even... Really do anything..."

 

"Do what? Just a kiss, Sehun? Even just a kiss...it hurts. I know from experience-"

 

"No! I would never! How could you THINK that, Hyung?" I stood and pushed past him, headed toward my room.

 

"Sehun, stop-"

 

"No!" I shut the door and locked it, I heard him try to open it, and then slide down the door.

 

"Sehun-ah. I'm sorry, that's just the only explanation I can think of..."

 

"I thought about it," I said as I slid down the other side of the door, so we were only separated by a thick piece of wood. 

 

"That's all?"

 

"That's all," my voice broke, and I covered my mouth, trying to hold back the sobs. I reached up, unlocked the door, and collapsed in on myself. He's really gone. He hates you and he's not coming back. My mind told me. No! No, no, no! But I wasn't just  thinking it, I was screaming out loud. 

 

"No! No, no, no!" I screamed my voice hoarse. Joonmyun pushed the door open.

 

"Shhh, shhh, Sehun. Shhh. It's going to be okay. You can fix this," 

 

He hates you! He's NEVER coming back. He'll never forgive you! NEVER! Were the words that echoed in my mind, and the voices were right. He would NEVER forgive me.

 

"No! Joonmyun! You're wrong!" I rasped. He had taken me in his arms now, we were in a crumpled heap on the floor. I was sobbing into his chest, gripping his shirt like I had Jongin's before he left. "He's never coming back!" I repeated from my mind, "he'll never forgive me! Never! He hates me!" I cried, my heart breaking.

 

I thought that I had felt true pain before; but nothing compared to this. Nothing. 

 

Not what I felt when I broke my arm in the third grade, or twisted my ankle in fifth, or when I fell off my bike when I first learned to ride. Not what I felt when my parents told me that being a dancer was impractical, and that they wouldn't support me. Not how I felt when I chose my family over my dream. Not how previous break ups felt. 

 

NOTHING. Nothing compared to this.

 

I vaguely heard Joonmyun's voice trying to comfort me; but he will never fix it. I am hurt too badly. I feel that I will die.

 

I thought I knew what it felt like to have a breaking heart. I was wrong.

 

My heart isn't breaking. I thought.

 

It's already broken.