JONGIN

 

I could hear an unfamiliar voice hum along to the song with me. I was grateful for the support from the voice I assumed belonged to Luhan. A more familiar voice joined, Sehun. I couldn't have gotten through the song in one piece without all of them. Joonmyun, Chanyeol and Baekhyun joined in as well. 

 

At the end I turned and nodded to Luhan, he understood and nodded back. Even. We were even.

 

"Boys," I could hear Joonmyun turn to the doctor, "we need you to leave now". 

 

"No," I said.

 

"Jongin, we need to go,"

 

"He wouldn't want to be alone," I snapped at Joonmyun. He sighed.

 

"Jongin, you promised me. You promised me you wouldn't make a mess of things here. Let's go," he tugged on my shoulder.

 

"I said no, Joonmyun".

 

"Jonginnie," Sehun's voice said, "we have to go, Kyungsoo needs to rest..."

 

"He's sleeping, Sehun. Sleeping is pretty much the best type of rest you can get," I said matter of factly. He rolled his eyes at me.  

 

"Jongin, let's go," Chanyeol told me.

 

"No. I'm not leav-" one of the machines started making an unfamiliar sound. "What's happening?"

 

"Come on, Jongin, we're only going to be in the way-"

 

"What's going on?!" I yelled, "what's wrong with him?!" Three doctors pushed past me. Everyone was yelling, and there were so many people in one small space that I lost sight of Kyungsoo. I buried my face in my hands. "Kyungsoo! Somebody tell me what's going on!" 

 

"Jongin, we need to go. Right now!"

 

"What's going on?"

 

"Damn it, Jongin, Sehun, will you come help me?" Joonmyun yelled. The others had already cleared out. Sehun ran over to me. They grabbed me under the arms and pulled me from the room. My vision tunneled. It felt like I was fighting against being pulled into a black hole. I struggled out of it, toward Kyungsoo, but I was not strong enough. I was in.

 

 I screamed and I screamed until I was hoarse, but eventually just ended up in a crumpled heap in the waiting room. Sobbing my eyes out, I begged Joonmyun to let me go back and see Kyungsoo. He just shook his head continuously, saying there was nothing we could do. 

 

I am not a religious person. But I needed to believe someone, something was watching over Kyungsoo. I prayed. I prayed and prayed. It felt like hours. Eventually the doctor came out and started talking to Joonmyun. I stared up at him hopefully, but he just shook his head. I asked Baekhyun what they were saying what was going on, but he just shook his head. Chanyeol shook his head as well, I stared around. It was like a room full of bobble heads that only said no. Everyone just shook their heads, and finally, I had to give up. I stopped believing angels were looking over him. He must be gone. Dead. Taken from me before I even began to love him.

 

I looked at Sehun, hoping to find some sense from him. I did. Luhan nudged him over,  and he sat in the chair beside me. 

 

"Please tell me something. Something I'll understand,"

 

"Jongin,"

 

"What," I asked in monotone looking at the floor.

 

"You look horrible,"

 

"Thank you, Sehun, thank-"

 

"He's going to be fine". I glared at him.

"Don't play with my emotions,"

 

"I'm not, that's what the doctor said. He's going to be fine...mostly,"

 

"Mostly...what does that mean?"

 

"He said...there was...I don't really understand...something about spinal fluid? And...paralysis?"

 

"How is PARALYSIS fine, Sehun?" I yelled, I stood and started pacing. He stopped me by grabbing my shoulders and pushing me back into the chair. 

 

"Would you let me FINISH?! He said it probably wouldn't be permanent".

 

"Probably. Why didn't anyone just say that before? When I asked them?"

 

"You didn't ask anyone anything. It was scary actually. You just sat here for three hours. You thought-"

 

"Oh my god. I'm going insane," I stood again, I heard Sehun call after me, but he let me go. 

 

In the bathroom I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked...horrible. He was right. I splashed my face with water, which didn't really help, just made me cold. Ugh. This is awful. But he's alive. He going to be okay, the paralysis won't be permanent. Probably. Well that was just it, wasn't it? PROBABLY. Well, at lot of probably nots have happened today. Like...Kyungsoo PROBABLY wouldn't have gotten hit by that guy if the damn man had been driving slower. Kyungsoo PROBABLY wouldn't have gotten hit by that car if I had stayed with him for five more seconds. SECONDS. AND KYUNGSOO PROBABLY WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO WALK AGAIN.

 

I took a deep breath and held it until I saw my face purple in the mirror. My cheeks were tear stained, my hair matted down to my head or sticking up in all different directions. My eyes were red and swollen. I sighed. This is not what Kyungsoo would want, and I don't want him to see me like this. 

 

I pulled a paper towel from the contraption on the wall and made it damp. I wiped my face and then dried it. Not much better but...it was an improvement to say the least. I wet my fingers with the tap water and fixed my hair a bit. Better. Not good, but better. I returned to the waiting room. 

 

The doctors were gone, and no one else besides our group was really there except for a man with his daughter. He looked sad and was obviously trying not to cry. His jaw was clenched and I could see the tears were about to spill over from his eyes.

 

"Daddy? Is Mommy going to be okay?" She asked him. He closed his eyes and the tears came. They flowed down his face freely as he shook his head.

"Don't cry, Daddy," she pleaded. I stood staring at them. The man looked up at me and I could see the true sadness in his eyes. His wife was not going to be okay, that much was clear. I made my way over to them and kneeled next to the girl.

 

"Hi," I said,

 

"Hello. I'm Su Ji. What is your name, Oppa?" Her eyes were not as sad...more confused. 

 

"My name is Kim Jongin. It's nice to meet you, Su Ji. Do you think you can sit with me for a minute so your dad can go to the bathroom?" 

 

"Of course," she said. She wrinkled her nose. She was so young. Too young to have her mother die. I looked up at the man. 

 

"I'll watch her if you need a minute. We're all in the same boat here. You can trust me," he looked at me cautiously, but gave in. He stood, whispered something to Su Ji, and headed toward the bathroom.

 

"So, Su Ji. What's happened to your mom? Do you know?" I asked her. She looked at my right hand curiously, traced the shape of it and shook her head no. More head shaking.

 

"Well, whatever happens I want you to remember this, okay? Remember what I tell you". She nodded her consent and I continued. "Your mother loves you very much. If she isn't around all the time, it is not by choice. She will be watching over you no matter where she is, okay?"

 

The little girl stared up at me with wide eyes, much like Kyungsoo's. moments later her father returned.

 

"Thank you," the man said to me. I began to walk back to my friends, but felt a tug on my hand. It was Su Ji. I turned to look at her and she rushed forward and hugged my leg. 

 

"Thank you, Mr. Kim Jongin". I smiled at her and bowed politely to her father and went to sit down next to My friends and wait for Kyungsoo again.