SEHUN

 

 

After the bubble tea, Luhan dropped me off at home, and said goodbye with a shy wave. I hated myself for thinking it was cute. I couldn't believe the feelings I was having for this...boy. He was four years older than me, yet he looked like he was sixteen! Ridiculous. And Jongin... What would he say? How would he feel? Clearly I'm getting ahead of myself. Who knows? Maybe Luhan just wants to be friends and is really touchy feely....or something. Baekhyun was like that! Some people are just LIKE that and they aren't always interested in you! I tried to tell myself.

 

 I tossed my keys on my desk and fell back on the bed, raking my hands across my face. Jongin. Just thinking his name makes me smile. Jongin makes me want to laugh, and cry, and be the best person I can be all at once. Luhan. My face burned with shame accompanied by lust, and want. I WANT Luhan. Which in my mind is wrong, and terrible because Jongin has done NOTHING but make me happy for years. For four years he has done absolutely NOTHING to deserve to be treated that way I will treat him if I decide to go to Luhan; but my heart tells a different story. My heart begs me to run to Luhan, and kiss him and hold him, and tell him I love him, and do all the things I do with Jongin.... with Luhan. I can't do that to Jongin. Not only would it be unfair to Jongin, but to Luhan as well. I still have feelings for Jongin, no matter how confused I am, I cannot leave Jongin on a whim. I have loved him for far too long.

 

"Sehun-ah? Are you home yet?" I hadn't heard the door open. I had been buried too deep in my thoughts. And my guilt because of those thoughts.

 

"Yeah! Back here!" I yelled back to him from our bedroom. Of course I was wallowing in my own pity, covered by layers and layers of warm, fuzzy blankets, when I felt him pounce on the bed, and settle down next to me.

 

"Sehunnie! What's wrong?" I peeked out from under the covers to find his face drawn in a fake sad expression. His full, red bottom lip puffed out in a pouty face. I loved that face, those lips used to be of the utmost comfort; but looking at him now...I only felt guilt. 

I smiled at him trying to erase the guilt from my face before he started to suspect something. 

 

"I'm just tired that's all. Stressed about the test, you know. Waiting for the grade is the worst part". I shifted so my head was in his lap. He grinned down at me and I felt....happy. Happy and safe, and... I just felt like a better person when I was with him. The burning when he touches me is gone, the heat that flushes my face when he kisses me is gone, all of those feelings are gone; but happiness is in their place. And that's what love is about right? 

 

I pull his face down to mine and kiss him. I kiss him until my lips are numb. He kisses me back just as fiercely, his tongue invading my mouth like it has, many times before. I pull back for air, and he peppers light butterfly kisses down my neck, and then back up to my lips. And it is so familiar. Familiar and comforting, and I can't think about anything else except Jongin, Jongin, Jongin. 

 

He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine, looking deep into my eyes. I see myself there. Content for the rest of my life with him; but is that what I want? Contentedness and security? A companion? Or do I want a passionate, loving partner whom I will always fear will leave without looking back? Without thinking twice. Do I want to take a chance? Not that Jongin isn't passionate but... the years of being together has lessened it; but I have never felt unhappy with Jongin, I'm still happy, but now have other options. I can't believe I'm even thinking about Luhan as a viable option. And even if he was, I would choose faithfulness over fire, wouldn't I? Right? I can't even answer myself because as I begin to ponder this thought Jongin pecks me on the lips and says-

 

"I love you, Sehun-ah. I have never loved anyone this much. It's always been short, uncommitted relationships for me. But with you....I think I can be different. I am different.   I love you, and I never want to let you go". His eyes are shining with tears, and I reach up to wipe them away. I opened my mouth to reply, but no sound came out. I didn't know what to say. Once I find my voice I tell him what I feel.

 

"I love you too. You are the world to me," I tell him; and he is, he is the world to me. " and I will never hurt you, or lie to you," I catch his gaze, because he has averted it since he spilled his feelings. "So I need to tell you something". His head jerked up at this comment, and he looked... Terrified. Like he knew I had done something horrible.

 

"So it's true then?" He asked me.

 

"What's true?" I countered, trying to figure out how much he knew.

 

"About you and Luhan. There's been rumors. Rumors that I'm finally going to get a taste of my own medicine".

 

"Your own-"

 

"As in cheating, Sehun. Are you cheating on me?"