Unbearable

***

‘You will never understand how hard it is to love someone; the bad and hard part is that you can never stop loving someone. There is always a piece of them in your heart.’

The emergency ward hallway was quiet that night until the arrival of one patient who was in a critical stage brought the sudden changes of atmosphere. As the ambulance attendants raced up with a stretcher toward the emergency entrance, few nurses rushed out to get the patient and quickly positioned oxygen masks over the face of the man that looked-deadly pale at the moment. The once silent night in the ward swiftly changed into a quite chaotic with the hospital staffs rushing around, calling for the assigned doctor that night.

Jaejoong could only stand frozen at the emergency glass door, unable to move. His legs were trembling and it seemed the ground beneath him was shaking. His red, glistening eyes staring hollowly as those hospital staffs rushed Yunho off through the emergency door just now. Jaejoong could feel a cold rush of air blowing over him once the door closed. He couldn’t even move a step to get into the ward. Now, when the full memory returned, the trauma he had with this familiar noises from the emergency room and siren of the ambulance also returned. It was worse than before. The place held a very bad memory for him - the same place where he had witnessed his mother breathed out her last breath silently, and there was Yunho by her side that moment. He kept remembering everything slowly.

“Don’t go Jaejoongie…”

The last word Yunho whispered weakly to him previously replayed back in his mind. The man’s blood still covered his palm and shirt. Jaejoong sunk to his knees with both hands held up to his face, broke down crying and wracking his body with such powerful sobs. His emotions had escalated at the moment. He just let the inevitable tears streaming down his face, unhindered.

“Jaejoong-ah…”

He felt someone hand placed on his right shoulder. Looking up with tearful eyes, he had barely seen the person’s face but still recognized the guy. Gladly, Yoohwan was with him the entire time. The younger man was the one who alerted everything that happened once Yunho collapsed on him and had immediately called the ambulance when Jaejoong was in a panic and went blank; couldn’t take any action.

“Let’s find somewhere to sit before the crowd spot your presence.  It will create a ruckus if any reporter found you crying here.” Being the one who could still think rationally, Yoohwan took the idol to the other corner where there were fewer people passing by; less chance for them to spot the superstar presence at the hospital in such a late hour. They settled down on the small bench at the secluded resting area. 

“Is he going to be okay…?” Jaejoong asked with a trembling voice, finally breaking his silence. 

“He will be fine. You know Yunho hyung is always stronger right. He will be alright, Jaejoong-ah.” Yoohwan caressed the back of his friend, hoping that could calm the other down a bit, who looked miserable at the moment.

“Yoohwan-ah, can you… do me a favour? W-will you… report everything about him to me every day after this.” Jaejoong asked through his sobs.

“Why? Where are you going?” Yoohwan frowned, looking at the idol anxiously this time, sensing there was something else hidden by his sudden request.

“If I’m with him, he will get hurt.” Jaejoong said as another tear wetting his face. “I… I always bring him trouble… It seems we can’t be together. Even back then and until now, I'm always the cause that inflicted pain on him.”

“Jaejoong, it’s not your fault! Don’t blame yourself for something that we couldn’t even control or avoid.” Yoohwan convinced, trying to stop the other from blaming himself.

Jaejoong shook his head. “That’s why… I need to go.” Jaejoong looked up to his friend this time. Yoohwan could see there was unbearable agony etched itself on the idol’s face.

“This is not a right thing to do. I think you should rethink when you are already calm.”

“No, I need to go Yoohwan-ah. There is also something that I need to resolve.” He said with eyes still streaming with tears. Yoohwan remained silent, as he knew the other was struggling emotionally, inwardly.

*

“We’ve to take him to the emergency room. But before that, get his blood pressure.” The doctor in a white long coat ordered the nurses after checked his patient’s pulse. And his staffs started pushing the stretcher where the man who looked deadly pale laid on, in unconsciousness.

“But doc, we still can’t get a hold of the patient’s relative to proceed with the operation.” One of his staff informed.

“What? Just contact any of his relatives. Find it in the patient’s data!”

“But there are no other names written in this patient’s report.”

The doctor was about to throw another tantrum at the clueless woman when out of nowhere came a man who looked in worry approached him.

“Can I give a liberty to just proceed with the operation?”

“Oh, who are you?”

“I…I’m his best friend. Please save him, I beg you. Please save my friend!” The guy said in a wistful voice laden with emotion.

“I’m sorry, we understand your feeling. But we need the relative to sign the form. We can’t take a risk to do the operation without the patient’s family authorization. Since the hope of this operation to save your friend’s life is very slim. You know his condition is already in critical when you brought him here.”

“But…there’s no one…” The guy mumbled while stared at his friend’s paler face that seemed had no sign of blood running into his numbed limb.

“He just…has no one.” The guy mumbled again, tears started pooling in his eyes this time. His heart weighed with woeful feeling when he thought about the man’s plight.

“Since you said so, then you can just fill up this form for him to undergo the surgery immediately. His pulse is getting weak and thread. It’s better to rush him straight to the operating theatre. He has lost a lot of blood. The shot in the back of his head is pretty bad.” The doctor informed.

“W-what?” Yoochun felt his knees suddenly became weak upon heard the real condition of Yunho, glad there was a wall near him as an instant supporter. His prediction about the bad things that might happen toward the other was always right. He could feel his stomach boiled with distraught and also a sudden anger.

*

“What is really going on actually, can you tell me?”

Yoohwan looked up at his brother who suddenly stood in front of him. He was sitting on the chair outside of the emergency ward, in a pensive state. His throat went dry with anxiety upon caught a serious look hardened his brother’s feature at the moment. He had called the man first thing after he got Yunho into the ambulance before.

“You better tell me from the start, how did you find Yunho?” Yoochun pressed.

Yoohwan knew better that he couldn’t lie to his brother, but to spill everything to the elder. He started telling him everything from the moment he helped Jaejoong to escape from the airport and until drove the idol to their old primary school they had ever attended back then. He was well aware that his brother would be very displeased with what he had done behind his back. But still, he did what was right for Jaejoong. 

“I’m sorry…” He muttered after a moment of silence. 

Yoochun let out a big sigh. “The thing has already happened. There’s nothing we could do to turn back.” He settled himself down on the next seat.

“So, where’s Jaejoong now?” Yoochun asked once he alerted that the other was also not in a good condition.

“He’s gone…”

“What?” Yoochun stared at his brother, confused and dazed.

“He’s gone… for the better he said.” Yoohwan repeated in a quiet, ponderous voice; as if he was weighed down by an oppressive sadness at the moment.

***

The first rays of early morning sunlight slithered into the room, brought its shine through the curtain lace and shadowing the quiet room. The man on the bed stirred slightly before his eyelids fluttered open slowly. A small frown formed on his brows as he tried to adjust his eyes to the faint light inside the bright white room. Somehow he felt odd, it seemed he had been sleeping for so long. The sudden intense curiosity attacked him, in an automatic response, he tried to get up from the bed, but only felt intense pain burst into his head and immediately radiate down his neck. His head fell back on the soft pillow.

He winced, trying to dissipate the painfulness at the same time awakened the latter that were soundlessly sleeping on the couch in the other corner of the room.

“Yunho, you’ve wake up?” Yoochun jumped off from the couch and rushed to his friend. His voice was in utter surprise, nonetheless glad to see the man had finally opened his eyes. It was a miracle he had survived.

“W-what happened… Why am I here?” Yunho’s expression distorted by confusion upon heard his voice broke and raspy as if he hadn’t used his vocal cord for so long. His hand immediately went to his bandaged head.

Seeing the expression on his friend’s face, Yoochun helped him to sit up slowly before he poured him a glass of warm water. He waited for the man to drink up before he answered him.

“You have been in a coma for two weeks, Yunho-ah. You had been shot and the surgeons had successfully remove the bullet that was lodged in the back of your head. You are so lucky it appeared to have missed anything vital. But after the surgery, you’ve remained unconscious. I'm so worried if you’re not going to wake up in a couple of days, I would strangle you to death for real.” Yoochun blathered on.

“Two weeks..?”

“Yes, that long. Do you remember anything on the last day of you escorting Jaejoong?” Yoochun asked. His probing eyes study the man’s inscrutable expression at the moment.

“Jaejoong…” Yunho looked alarmed. At the mention of the name had enough to trigger something to his memory of the said day. Now, a flood of emotions washed over him.

“Chun, where is him? Where is Jaejoong?”

Yoochun took a deep breath before he spoke, “He’s somewhere safe. Don’t worry.”

“What do you mean by he’s somewhere safe? He was with me before I collapsed. Where is he now?” Yunho asked again. The complicated look displayed on his friend’s face to give him an answer to such an easy question making Yunho getting even more disquieted.

“He’s gone Yunho-ah… He went back to Japan, to his father.”

“What? Why is he-”

“He blamed himself for everything that happened to you.” Yoochun cut him off this time. “Seriously, I really don’t understand what’s up with both of you, back then it was you who decided to get away from him. Is keeping a distance and shoving each other out of your life even you love them to death is the only solution?” Yoochun heaved a sigh before he continued.

“From what Yoohwan told me, he thought that being away with you is safe now since the reason that bastard trying to kill you is clearly because he is by your side, isn’t it? And since the culprit is not yet caught, it’s better to take any possible cautious measure. So that’s why he decided to distance himself from you.”

“No… this won’t do.” Yunho muttered as he stared into space, looking deep in thought.

“What is it?”

“He has promised to come back to me.”

“What?” Yoochun looked at his friend questioningly, barely caught what the man said.

“And I won’t let him go this time.”

***

“I’m sorry, sir. He still refuses to come down.” The maid said and bowed apologetically to Kim Seung Woo who was waiting at the dining table with Changmin, the young doctor that always coming to check on his son. The maid was holding a tray of breakfast she had sent to her young master this morning. The food was barely touched by the lad and she had always taken the full tray down and reported everything to the head of the house. That was her new added task since her young master came home in a crushed state two weeks ago.

“He still refuses to eat?”  Seung Woo asked, unsatisfied. Even he failed to coerce his only son to come out from the room.

“Yes, sir.” The lady answered curtly.

“I got it, you can resume your work.” He waved his hand in dismissal and let out a sigh.

“What are we going to do now, uncle? Even I can’t get through him this time. He rejects all my calls and messages, let alone to open the door and talk to me.” Changmin voiced out, looking distressed for the first time.

When he informed that the idol had contacted Junsu a day after he gone missing two weeks ago, asking the young manager to get him a flight ticket back to Japan immediately without him, Changmin knew something must have happened. And when Junsu announced the superstar decided to be on hiatus from all of his activities, for now,