Worriedness 

***

‘Even if we had a clamorous parting, you still didn’t stop weighing on my mind over and over again.

Just the way you ever did once, and now, the fears that I always try to hide started surfacing.’

Yunho stepped out from the house and found Jaejoong stood still near the car. The idol was looking somewhere with a blank look. Yunho looked around, he seemed heard voices of people talking before, but to find the man was standing alone with such a look, bring a curiosity to him.

“What is it? Is something wrong?” He asked as he peered at the other. The smaller man’s eyes darted at him; finally broke from his puzzlement.

“Is someone coming just now?” He asked again.

It took a moment before the idol responded. “No… no one.” Jaejoong shook his head.

“I thought I heard some voices.” Yunho said undoubtedly while opened the car door for Jaejoong. “Get in, you’ll catch a cold if you stand here any longer.”

The silence prevailed on the way back to the inn. Jaejoong didn’t say a thing, somehow looking more lost than before. Yunho glanced at the latter once a while, feeling curious at his sudden passiveness. But he concluded it must be related with what had happened earlier, the incident must still played in the idol’s mind - unbeknownst to him something else was bothering the smaller man now.

“We’ve arrived.” Yunho said curtly once he parked the car.

Jaejoong broke from his motionless state. “Hmm…thank you...” He muttered and paused, as if trying to find a right word. “…for everything today.” He added, making the protection officer looked at him questioningly.

As he knew the man was confused with his sudden gratitude, “Today you even shared your mother’s picture... thank you for the thought.” Jaejoong said again with eyes dropped at his laps.

Hearing Jaejoong thanked him, Yunho suddenly felt worst and guiltier than ever; for lying, for shoving the other away and for not being a part of the other’s life all these time.

He studied the smaller man’s posture. Those eyes had been avoided looking at him since they left the house.

“I think it’s fine if you not guarding me tonight, since Junsu will be here in a short while.” Jaejoong said before he opened the door.

“Then, if you need anything, I’ll be in the room across of yours. You can just give a knock.” Yunho informed, but he still escorted the superstar until he entered his room.

‘Something seemed off.’ Yunho thought once Jaejoong closed the door without a word anymore.

***

Jaejoong strode towards the opened balcony and dropped himself upon the soft cushions of lounge chair. His mind pondered back to the thing that had happened outside of Yunho’s old place previously. He didn’t know why, but the inquisitiveness suddenly came to him.

“Jaejoongie, it’s really you!” The young man exclaimed happily.

Jaejoong tensed in the stranger’s arms, didn’t get what was happening.

“Yah, it’s me… Yoohwanie.” The other said excitedly and gapped away after didn’t get a response from him.

“Who..?” Jaejoong looked at the guy in puzzlement. A curious pressure began to build up inside him.

“What… have you really forgotten all about me? Didn’t Yunho hyung tell you that I’ve been study abroad?”

“Yah, Yoohwan!” There was another voice approached them before the guy could blurting out more than necessary. Jaejoong looked past Yoohwan’s shoulder, looking at the new comer who rushed to them before pulling Yoohwan away from him.

“What are you doing here? I’ve something to talk with you, come here.” The man said before turned to look at Jaejoong.

“Sorry Jaejoong, this is my younger brother. He just came back from the state. He’s your fanatic fans. Sorry if he gave you a shock just now.” Yoochun grinned.

“Hyung! What ar- mpphh…” Yoohwan couldn’t finish his sentence as Yoochun covered his mouth.

“I’ll see you later to discuss something with you and your management. Sorry, right now I’ve something to talk with this guy.” Yoochun said, with hand still covering the younger’s mouth, muffled his protest as he dragged him back to their house that was only a few feet away, still in the same area.

Jaejoong stood stunned, confused with the little commotion. He tried to grasp what was happening when Yunho came out and approached him.

“What is it? Is something wrong?” The man asked, with eyes studied his face as he could read there seemed something bothering him.

***

“What the hell had just happened here, hyung? Why did you stop me from seeing Jaejoong?” Yoohwan asked after Yoochun dragged him home, didn’t even let him have a talk with his long-lost friend. The action was obvious, his brother even look fluttered back there.

“It’s complicated… I don’t think we should interfere and make it worse for both of them.” Yoochun said, making Yoohwan to look at him with a deep frown on his face, confused.

Yoochun started story to the younger one of what had happened to Jaejoong after they parted, and the complicated situation that binding the two step brothers at the moment.

"That's stupid.. you guys can’t just decide to block someone’s memory, isn’t it saddening to watch him in such a state?!” Yoohwan blurted out after had been silent, listening to his brother.

“When we know all about his history here, but pretend nothing, just like watching him floating in this world without reminiscence of his own family. Isn’t that cruel? And today... isn’t it supposed to be his parents’… death anniversary..." Yoohwan’s words trailed, as the sudden sadness came to him by just thinking about his long-lost friend's fate. He dropped himself on the couch behind him and heaved a sigh.

Yoochun settled beside his younger brother and patted his shoulder. What Yoohwan had just said was partially true. He had the same thought before. It was a lie if he said that he never felt the need to reveal the truth to Kim Jaejoong. But after he pondered into it, he got the reason why Yunho was doing what he did.

The hardest thing actually was to be someone who stood by both sides, and could only watched with sealed lips.

He couldn't just meddle in the other's matter. As a brother himself, Yoochun believed Yunho knew what the best for his baby brother. Just like how he had always protected Yoohwan, after their father passed away, so did the man. From what he knew from Yunho, Jaejoong’s current life was far better and the guy was better off without knowing his past. That could only taint his current happiness and his love towards his father probably would be altered. 

Yoochun leaned his back to the couch and looked up, joining his brother to stare up at the high, white ceiling of their house.

“So now, I’ve to pretend along and not getting too familiar with Jaejoongie?” Yoohwan asked, still pondering.

“Yeah…” Yoochun said curtly.

“It’s so sad hyung. I still feel this is not a wise action.”

“But, sometime it might be too sad to bring up the past, when the future looks so convivial.” Yoochun muttered.

***

“Yunho….. hyung?” Jaejoong muttered to himself. A deep frown formed on his face as he struggled to think why he feel like it wasn’t the first time those words slipped from his lips. He seemed used to call it, a lot.

His mind still muddled in confusion and curiosity. From what Yoochun said, his younger brother was his fanatic fans. But, the way the guy approached him before was so naturally familiar. He was not stupid to not be able to sense that and felt like something seemed not right. Did the previous guy meant Jung Yunho, the same man that had always protected him since he stepped in the country or… was there another Yunho around him?

A sudden sadness gripped his throat as he sensed the beginnings of distress. The more he struggled to think about it, the more stinging pain jabbed his chest for unknown reason. His mind was fractured. It seemed a great blankness had filled his mind, he could not recall anything.

Jaejoong fished out his cell phone. His hand pressed the call button, connecting the line to the first person in his caller list. He waited until the call was answered.

“I’m surprised to see your name beeped on my screen phone at this hour.” The person on the line greeted once the call was picked up.

“Changmin…” Jaejoong muttered.

The guy went silent for a moment, as he recognised that kind of tone from Jaejoong. Being the idol’s personal doctor and psychologist, who had been with him for long years, he could deduce just from his tone of voice that something had happened on the idol. The voice carried a sad tone and sounded weak in his ear.

“What’s wrong sweetheart? Is something wrong?”

Hearing the young doctor’s soothing voice that had always been by his side during his depression and desolation years, Jaejoong suddenly feel longing to see the man at the moment.

“Nothing… I just wanted to ask you about something.” He said while holding back his sudden turmoil of emotions, to avoid the other from worrying about him. Indeed something did happen to him tonight. But he felt there was no need to report everything, as he knew how the man would be reacted. If he thought his father was over protective, the man was no different from his old man.

“What is it about? You sound serious.” Changmin asked, sounded curious.

“Erm… it’s about… my childhood life.” Jaejoong said hesitantly.

Changmin remained silent as Jaejoong continued, “Since we have known each other since childhood. Also, you’ve known me since before I lost my memory back then. There is no one else where I could seek a confirmation about this thing besides my father, but I can’t ask him though.”

“About what?”

“I want to know have I really never been here in this country before? And about my mother... have you ever heard anything about her from my father?” Jaejoong asked, somehow his voice sounded hoping. As if the other could clarify all the curiosity to him.

Changmin remained quiet for a moment, as if he was composing something before he voiced out again. “Why are you suddenly curious about this?” He asked in a deep, controlled voice. “Has the nightmare return again?”

“No, it’s not like that. I just…” Jaejoong fumbled for words before he decided to just blurt out the real mess that heaving his mind at the moment. “Well, I just suddenly feel the need to know. I don’t know why, but strangely… there was a time when I feel everything here seemed so familiar to me.”

“Familiar you said… it means with the place or people?” Changmin asked in a rather tense voice this time.

“Both.” Jaejoong seemed oblivious about the other man’s anxiousness, answered honestly.

“Never Jaejoong. You’ve never been there and let alone to have any connection with the people who are living in the country.”

“Really..?” Jaejoong sounded down suddenly.

Changmin took a deep breath before he spoke again. “If you still feel doubt about it, you can ask your father. I’m sure he will give the same answer.”

“He will surely not cooperate with me if I’m asking him about the past.” Jaejoong reasoned. “Then, how about my mother? Have you heard anything about her… like how does she look?”

It took a moment for Changmin to answer the question. “I do. She was beautiful and such a lovely person, just like you. But after the accident happened, I’m not allowed by my parents to bring up the topic about her in front of you or your father. They said it will make your father feel depress over her losing, since he seemed couldn’t accepted the loss back then.”

“I thought so…” Jaejoong mumbled.

“Hey, can you quit thinking about the sad thing? I don’t know what the cause that suddenly makes you asking about this, but I don’t want to see a glum–looking Kim Jaejoong on his final stage. Aren’t you a rock star?” Changmin tried to lighten up the other’s mood. It seemed his attempt worked when he heard a soft chuckle escaped the idol on the other line.

“Will you coming for my final day of concert here?” Jaejoong changed the topic swiftly.

“Why? Do you want me to come?” Instead of replying the other directly, he decided to tease the superstar.

“What… you will not coming if I don’t ask you to?”

“Erm… maybe I will think about it if you did.” Changmin answered flatly, supressing his smile. He could tell the other must be pouting on the other line as he heard Jaejoong huffed harshly.

“Then, just don’t come!” Jaejoong let out before he ended the call.

Changmin stared at the phone blankly before he chuckled and shook his head. Well, at least he able to bring back the idol into his normal character.

“Damn... Now I really miss you, Jae.” He mumbled and stared at the beautiful man’s photo on his bedside table.

***

It was still early in the morning and Jaejoong pulled his coat tighter around his body. Even he had put on a few layer of clothes and wearing a pair of warm boot, but still it wasn’t suffice. It was getting colder day by day when the winter already coming.

Stepping on the snow-covered path, Jaejoong arranged his step toward the car that awaiting him at the main gate of the rest house. As scheduled today, he had to go back to Seoul, attending an exclusive photoshoot for Esquire Korea magazine. Then, he would be busy with the preparation for his final concert in Jeju that will be held next week, which meant he had one week left to stay in the country before flying home, back to Japan.  

“Hey, good morning!” Junsu suddenly came behind him and tapped his shoulder. Jaejoong jumped slightly.

“What’s with that cheerful voice in the morning?” He eyed his manager’s cheerful look.

“What… can’t I look happy in the morning? It’s a good thing to start a new day.” Junsu grinned.

Jaejoong just scoffed at the remark as they continued walking to the car. “Well, it’s just unusual to see that happy smile from you in the morning. I have a feel that there is another meaning behind that smile.”

“Aww… how do you know?!” Junsu squealed.

Jaejoong looked at the young manager again, eyes studying the other’s face closely before he blurted out, “No.”

“What??” Junsu let out, looking baffled by the other’s sudden response.

“You must have something to request me to do right? That look, I know it well.” Jaejoong said as he pointed to Junsu’s flashy, excited face.

“Yah, I don’t even ask you and yet you already said ‘no’. Come on, this time is a real big job that will bring you higher.”

Jaejoong sighed. “Do you really think I will fall into the bait if you used that kind of line again?”

“Okay, I will change it. How about… this time it is really an offer that will make you expand your career and get to learn a new thing?” Junsu recomposed his propose.

Jaejoong threw a sceptical look at his manager. “What is it?”

Junsu beamed widely when Jaejoong finally looking curious to know. “Well, I’ve just received a call from this one big production that wanted to cast you in their new action drama. Isn’t it interesting?”

 “Is it a Korean production?” That was the first thing the idol asked.

“Yes. So if you agreed, you have to extend your stay in this country, maybe for a few months until they finished filming. Well, I’m not forcing you… it’s up to you too whether you want to accept it or-”

“I’ll think about it.” Jaejoong cut off Junsu’s rambling, as his mind started to think about something more tempting – a chance to delay his return.

“Huh, really?” 

“But I can’t promise to give a positive answer. Just… I’ll think about it.” His reply enough to make Junsu smiled contentedly, as it was not easy to make Kim Jaejoong reconsidering, since the guy was quite unbending if it came about something