Pretending

***
‘I wished I could walk away from you and forgetting all the things that we ever shared and used to do.’

“Come in…”

The short command from the bodyguard broke Jaejoong from his reverie. He had standing in the doorway of Yunho’s house again with a hesitant look. He couldn’t believe that he ended up followed the man. He shook his head, trying to discard the embarrassing moment that happened just a while ago crossed his mind, but failed.

‘Stop making me keeps falling in love with you.’ It took a moment of silence as Yunho lost for words, but the man still looked calm.

‘Fine, I won’t stop you from having a feeling for me, nor I will do anything about it. But for now, will you just stay at my place, please.’

That was all it took for Kim Jaejoong to surrender and how he finally followed Yunho to his place submissively. It was even hard to hear the man uttering the word ‘please’, as if he was desperate for asking him to listen to him this time without any protest. Jaejoong had a strong urge to smack himself to be a bit firmer, not easily swayed by the man’s gentleness towards him that only happened at the rarest of times.

A simple word from the man previously, not rejecting or accepting his feeling, but it was somehow putting him at ease. It proved Yunho wasn’t that uncomfortable with him having such a feeling; as if giving him a small hope. He couldn’t help how easy to lose himself completely in the man’s treats.

“You can use my room, since there’s no bed in the other room.” Yunho said as he opened his bedroom door for the idol to step in. It was a spacious master bedroom, luxuriously furnished with king size bed, a ceiling height of built-in wardrobe and a big work desk with few chairs facing the wall-mounted monitor. It seemed as if the man had monitoring the outside world just from his room. 

“I…I’m okay with just sleeping on the sofa in the living room.” Jaejoong didn’t know where the heck this sudden nervousness came, making him stuttered like a fool. He felt like he had intervened the man’s personal space.

“No, you’ll have a backache. Moreover, you have an important day tomorrow, so you need a proper sleep tonight.” Yunho objected and stepped in to grab an extra comforter from his wardrobe before heading out to the living room, leaving Jaejoong to use the space freely.

*

It had been half an hour since he left Jaejoong in the room and also heard the water running in the shower. Yunho felt the need to check on the idol since there was no sign as if the guy had stepped out of the bathroom. He walked into the room that was left opened previously. It was long enough for someone to take a shower at night; he thought as he remembered how Jaejoong used to catch a cold easily if he had been under water for so long back then.

*knock* knock*

“Kim Jaejoong…” Yunho gave a knock on the bathroom frosted-glass door.

There was no other sound could be heard beside the water running from the shower. Yunho started to feel uneasy.

“Kim Jaejoong, are you okay?” He called again, but still no response.

“Hey Jaejoong, open the door.”

Only silence answering his call, and Yunho grew restless.

“Jaejoongie! That’s long enough for you to be in the shower. Come out now.” Still there was no answer.

“Yah, Jaejoongie!”

Before he could break in, the door was opened, revealing the idol in a bit loose, white bathrobe - the robe was indeed Yunho’s. Those wide-rounded eyes of the other stared at him in puzzlement. For a moment Yunho rendered speechless and freeze on his spot.

“What is it?” Jaejoong decided to break from his perplexity first, still staring at the man.

Yunho preserved his composedness. “You’ve been in shower too long. I thought there’s something happen to you. And why you’re not answering me?” His tone sounded annoyed, realizing he had overreacted just now.

“I was washing my hair. And what’s with you?” Jaejoong’s eyes still locked with his.

“What?” He questioned back, seeing the other was looking at him intensely.

“You… called me.”

“Huh?”

“You called me… Jaejoongie.” Jaejoong pointed.

Yunho was caught off guard this time, didn’t realize the name had slipped from his lips so easily when he was worried over the guy. “Sorry…it’s just a slip of the tongue.”

“What?” The idol looked at him in bafflement.

“It’s just... You resemble someone from my past.” Yunho said and walked out of the room towards the kitchen, intentionally, cutting off the topic.

Jaejoong’s heart throbbed so hard he felt it might stop all together at the answer. Ignoring his current appearance, he followed the man out. He won't stop at that, probably there was an answer to his curiosity that pricked him all these times.

“It’s first time I heard about this. So… this someone from your past has the same name as me?” He settled on the stool at the kitchen counter, facing Yunho who seemed avoid from looking at him now. The man busied himself with preparing herbal tea.

“Yes…” Yunho answered curtly with hands working on mixing the right amount of ingredients in the pot. Jaejoong just eyed the stoic-looked man. Since the topic was brought up, at least he needed to dig up the reason why the man had been ignoring about his presence. He took a deep breath and braced himself to ask again.

“So, where is the person now?”

Yunho’s hand stopped from its work this time. He looked up, meeting Jaejoong’s eyes that stared intensely into his, scrutinizing him.

‘Please Yunnie… please tell me the truth. If you do, I’ll definitely come back to you.’ Jaejoong wished silently.

“He is no longer here.” Yunho dropped his look back to the pot.

‘Why are you lying? What’s your reason for not telling me the truth?’ Jaejoong thought, feeling hurt by the obvious lie.

“Remember… when you asked me if I have someone I treasured in my life when we watched the fireworks last time?” Yunho continued without looking at the other, resumed making the tea.

“I shove him out of my life.” He finished and pouring a cup of the herbal tea. He placed a cup in front of Jaejoong and settled down before the younger man.

“Yeah… I remember.” Jaejoong muttered, barely audible this time. He dropped his eyes to the cup before him. Glad the steaming cup of tea created a cloud of steam drifting across his face, at least that able to shield his current look that was on the verge of tears. “B-but why..?” His voice almost choked up.

“Just because… it won’t do him any good to attach himself to me.” Yunho said while stared at his own cup of tea.

“So, getting away would be the best for both of us.” He continued.

Jaejoong looked up back and this time their eyes locked on each other. There, it was almost as if time was standing still, not moving at all. There were so many emotions shown in their eyes, but all were unspeakable.

Jaejoong was the one to break the eye contact as he felt his eyes started swirling with tears. He lifted the cup to his lips, sipping the tea as he tried to shield the emotion that currently displayed on his face. His careless action that forgot the tea was still steaming hot made him winced once he felt the burn on his tongue.

“Yah, it’s still hot!" Yunho’s warn came late. He stood up and went to the freezer next to him. “Put this in your mouth.” He handed the cube of ice.

Still not looking at the other, Jaejoong took a small ice cube from the bowl and put in his mouth. He closed his eyes, letting the cold substance melting in his mouth.

Now, something made him thinking that Yunho was not actually hated his existence. To think it back, the way the man had protected him since the very first day he returned to the country, and the concern look that sometime failed to be concealed from that stoic look of Yunho whenever he was exposed to danger, were all prove otherwise. Now, he could sense the man seemed emotionally involved with the task of protecting him? If it because he was once his brother, then it didn’t put him in any good feeling. How could he explain that somehow, somewhere, he had started to develop a feeling for his brother? How could he even start to tell Yunho that he wants him to look at him, like a lover does?

Now, realizing who the man in front of him actually was, he became suddenly conscious of a great swelling of emotion inside him. He was really doomed now.

‘I would’ve carried on fine all alone! Why I’ve to remember all this things…all those memory that ever threw me into the narrow and darkest corner?’

At the thought, he felt a quick, short throbbing of his own heart, jabbing against his chest relentlessly which he had to press his hand as if to hush it.

“What’s wrong?” Jaejoong’s eyes snapped opened. Looking up, he met with Yunho’s concern look.

There, it was that look in the man’s eyes that had stirred his feelings so much, making him entrenched deeply in love with him. Yunho was looking at him with strong concern and worry in his eyes, unconsciously being so caring whenever he was in a bad state.

Jaejoong took a deep breath. His pouty lips slightly opened as he just wanted to blurt out everything to the man. But there were doubts perturbed his mind. What was the different it would be, even if Yunho knew he had regained bits and pieces of his past? To still have this kind of feelings toward the man, it felt even bad now.  And to have the man reject him straightaway and abandoned him for the second time, the thought made Jaejoong’s heart went numb. He didn’t think he could bear the same pain he received on the day he confessed to the man again.

So, before he get used to the warmth feeling the man kept giving him unintentionally, it was better to just walked away silently.

“N-nothing…” His lips trembling as he spoke, not wanting to say anything that he shouldn’t. But Yunho looked clearly unconvinced.

“Where does it hurt?”

“Huh?” Jaejoong blinked once, realized Yunho’s eyes were fixing on his hand that was still pressing against his chest, trying to soothe his aching heart.

“Did you hurt somewhere?” The man’s asked again.

“No...” He answered curtly and dropped his hand immediately. He took the cup of tea that was turning warm by now and drink it in one gulp before he stood up.

“I’m going to the bed first. Thank you for today…” He said without looking at Yunho, who still staring at him. Once he turned away and started walking to the room, a sudden onrush of tears flowing down his face. He was about to stepped into the room when he felt those warmth arms that he had always yearning for so long whenever he was in a bad state in the past, suddenly pulling him into a back hug. Jaejoong froze for a moment and holding back his sob, didn’t want to let the man know he was still weak inside.

He could feel the man warmth against his back and those hands tightened around his body as if not wanting to let him go.

“Yun… Yunho.” Jaejoong’s voice cracked slightly, he held back his tears. His lips almost slipped ‘Yunnie’ just now, shocked by the man sudden brazen and unexpected action.

Yunho just remained silent, holding him still in his arms. A million different emotions began to toy with Jaejoong’s hearts as he felt his heartbeat quickened its pace as the silence prolonged. He really didn’t understand the man a bit, never. 

Jaejoong was barely holding himself as the seconds passed, and he tried to break free from the embrace. But his attempt did not budge the other.

“This is the last time I’m holding you like this.” That sudden gentle and soft voice of Yunho was so close to his ear. “So, stay still…”

Jaejoong felt his breath hitched, and he just did as he was told. Stayed still, letting the man held him there for one long moment. Yunho’s head was just near his side of face. Jaejoong tried to control his emotions and slowly indulged himself in the small moment of peace that could be their last. Because when tomorrow comes, he would leave the country. The life he had to live on now didn’t concern the man anymore; he had to return to his current reality. Now, the man was just a mere bodyguard that was responsible to protect him in the meantime.

After what seemed like forever they stayed in silence, Yunho released his hold around Jaejoong and turned the younger man to face him. He stared deeply into those eyes that stared up back at him in confusion. Leaning closer, he gently kissed the idol on the forehead and prolonged there before he withdrew.

“Please live a happy life. There are a lot of people around you who love and cherish you now. Don’t be sad anymore.” Yunho whispered. His eyes locked with Jaejoong’s teary ones while his thumb caressed Jaejoong’s reddening cheeks. He then walked away, leaving the smaller man stupefied by his words and rendered speechless on his spot.

Willing some strength, Jaejoong coerced his legs to walk into the room. Once he closed the door, he collapsed against it.

“Yunnie...” Jaejoong broke into uncontrollable sobs. He promised tonight would be the last time he cried for the man; even knowing he had promised the same before but still crying.

It was just a short-term brotherhood they’d ever shared, but still there was an unexpected aura of intimacy between them.

*

Yunho laid on the sofa, one hand resting behind his head. A myriad of tangled thoughts raced through his mind, all of it was about Jaejoong.  The other’s face had already surrounded his days and nights since their