You pouted sadly.

"Eyy, come on, don't be like that. Everyone in the company is going. It's not like I have a choice, jagiya." Joonmyun argued. You can only sighed and looked down, no longer have the appetite.

"Jagiya. Look at me. Talk to me." Joonmyun reached across the table to hold your hand.

"When are you leaving?" You asked sadly. It has been 4 weeks since you last saw each other, and now he's telling you he'll be flying to Hawaii, for some company workshop, leaving you behind again. Can't he feel the same longing you feel for him?

"Tonight." He fidgeted.

"Tonight?" You exclaimed.

"Jagiya. I know it's too sudden. And you know how much I miss you too." Joonmyun said.

"No I don't." You muttered, frustrated. You don't even know why you're still in this relationship. You tried breaking off with him a few times, but he won't let you. During those times, you wavered, you thought that maybe he really does love you. But moments like these, you're not really sure anymore.

"Can I go with you then?"

"Jagi--" He warned, but you cut him off.

"Of course I'm not flying with you guys. I'll be on a different plane, different flight, and will probably arrive later than you. I'll book my own hotel and everything." You said. You barely made it through insanity with how much you miss Joonmyun, and waited for today when you can finally see each other again. For a whole month, you endured not having to see him, only talking with him through SMS which he would send you replies 3-4 days later. You almost forgot how he sounded like unless you'd watch the videos you have of him on your mobile phone. Is Joonmyun not feeling the same way you do?

"And then what? You'll max out your savings. I don't want you to throw your life savings just to follow me around." Joonmyun countered.

"I'm not following you around. I just want to spend time with you. Is that too much to ask?" You asked, trying your best not to breakdown in this damn posh and too uptight restaurant that he insisted on bringing you, thinking it'd make up for the lost time he had with you.

"Jagiya." Joonmyun held your both your hand on his and gently rubbed your soft skin with his thumb. "I know. I want to spend some time with you. But --"

"Okay. I get it. You don't want me there. I'll be too much of a distraction. You won't be able to focus on the workshop. Sasaeng fans might find out about my existence. What else?" You listed all his usual excuses that he'd always use on you.

"Come on. Don't be like that."

"It's fine Joonmyun. I think I finally understand." You looked down and avoided his eyes, your heart slowly breaking in to million pieces. And he can't even see that. Maybe you're too needy. Maybe you're too clingy. You knew what you were going in to when you agreed on being his girlfriend. But you didn't expect you'll be doing a lot of solo work for this relationship to work. All his promises, all his grand plans for the both of you were long gone before they even started.

You quietly resumed eating dinner, aware that Joonmyun was watching you, staring at you. You wanted to give up. You wanted to give him up, you were getting tired. But every time you did, he'd hold on to you, giving you another small piece of hope that maybe somehow he cares. And that promise he'll do his best to make this relationship work.

You gently dabbed the napkin on your perfectly lipstick-ed lips. You can't believe you took time working yourself up for this dinner. You can't help feeling like a big clown, all made up, all dressed up, only to be dumped back into your abyss of dark, loneliness.

"I'm done. Let's go home quickly so you could prepare for your flight." You said monotonously.

"Jagiya." Joonmyun started but you refused to meet his eyes.

You started mentally planning your life. Alone.

~

"What are you thinking?" Joonmyun asked, breaking the silence between you two, as he drove towards your apartment.

"Nothing." You answered coolly.

He immediately pulled aside and turned to you, making you face him as well.

"Come on. I don't want to fight with you. And I don't want to go away while fighting like this." He said, obviously getting exhausted as well.

"Who said we're fighting." You answered, deadpanned .

"What do you want from me then?" He yelled, his temper running short.

You looked at him, shocked. He never raised his voice at you. Did he want to leave that much? Did he want to stay away from you that much?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you." Joonmyun said, reaching for your arm but you avoided his hand.

"Okay. If you don't want me to go, then I won't." Joonmyun said, turning his direction on the wheel.

You sighed. Maybe you are the one being difficult? Why can't you let him go? It's not like you don't trust him.

"You know that's not what I wanted. Why won't you allow me to go with you? I have no problem waiting for you. Heck, more than half of the time spent on this relationship I was waiting for you. I'm not asking you to choose me over your career Joonmyun. All I want is to spend time with you. As your girlfriend. As someone who supposedly mattered to you. Do I not matter to you anymore?" You said. You know you sounded like begging already. Why can't he understand you too? You're tired of always understanding him. Is it too much to ask a little from him this time?

"I told you why you can't. And it's not like we're going to play there. It's a workshop. I don't even know if we're allowed to go out on our own." Joonmyun said. He was getting really tired of this conversation.

"Then I can book the same hotel you're staying. I can wait --"

"Why is it so hard for you to understand that you can't---"

"Then tell me the real reason why I can't!" You shouted, finally breaking down. All the frustrations, the pain that you felt all the while he was gone. All you wanted was to be close to him. When you needed him the most during your hardtime, when he turned to you when he needed you bu