Title (5/5)

I actually think the tile is just perfect, intriguing enough, doesn’t give too much away and very fitting and beautiful.

Description/ Foreword (7/10)

I actually liked your description and foreword; I liked how you used the definition to kind of ease the idea onto your readers. The main problem was the ending of it-it sounded like you were a cheesy salesman trying to tell a bunch of people to buy a product because it’s good. Honestly it was kind of a turn off-it would’ve been better to end it differently rather than with “If you are curious, you will stick with me in this journey of Park Chanyeol and Kim Soomin as they overcome their yearning desire in this bittersweet story;”

Though if you still like it-I can’t really change it, but then again the way a foreword or description captures attention is through its beginning and ending. The first part will catch the attention-then the ending will be the last part they remember and is more engraved in their brain. Also the grammar and a couple of messy sentences was another reason it was kind of unappealing.

Characters (7/10)

I can’t really say they were unique but at the same time there is a part of Soomin that seemed to tug at me and tell me she was somehow different from other main characters. I have no clue what it was-maybe it was because she wasn’t completely selfish but wasn’t completely selfless either. Normally the main characters in stories are so unbelievably unrealistic with a girl so full of it or a girl completely sweet like snow white, it’s not realistic or relatable.

So I can say that I did like that part of Soomin’s personality and character. Chanyeol is the usual Chanyeol not much difference form the way he is depicted in real life and in other fan fictions as well. So he hasn’t really peaked my interest yet. But I can assure you I am excited to meet this mystery girl.  But at the same time I’m kind of excited to see how Soomin’s personality will change or adjust or if she’ll stay the same throughout this story.

Plot (13/20)

I have seen stories with similar plots, but somehow I was reading your story and felt a bit intrigued like it was something I hadn’t read before or seen before. I have to give you props for that-normally it is really hard to take an unoriginal concept and make it your own so it’s somehow different. I wouldn’t say I am completely in love with the idea yet at the same time I kind of want to read on even if there are multiple errors and mistakes.

I don’t know how you did it to be honest but I am actually really interested in it. But like I said it isn’t really too original or intriguing at first glance-it will take a bit more reading for me to actually be completely hooked or I might just drop.

Grammar (12/20)

A majority of your sentences were complete so no complaints there. I mean your period and comma placement as well as Semi-colons and just plain out colons were great and perfect. But the main problem came out in your syntax- awkward placing of words.

“I didn’t want to make anything harder for Sehee unnie in covering these already bulged eyes.”

It makes the sentence unnecessarily confusing and strange to hear. It would’ve been better written like this: “I didn’t want to make it harder for Sehee unnie to cover up my already disastrous complexion.”

See how it flows better? Also you have this habit of trying to write in past tense which is good since you know when you story took place-but it seemed to screw up some of your sentences when you were trying to fit the past tense verbs and nouns into them.

 “Sehee unnie could only bit her lips.”

It would be best to write it like this: “Sehee unnie bit her lip helplessly.”

Also you tend to switch from first person to third person. In the first chapter you were referring to everyone as them, him, her and Soomin and Chanyeol too. But in the second one you were speaking strictly from Soomin’s point of view-it can be a bit confusing and tiresome to keep up with- at least in the second chapter you gave a heads up about the point of view, it would be nice if you also did that for the first chapter as well.

Flow (8/10)

I think it flowed nicely, not too fast or too slow. But it did jump around a little bit too much-some things ending so abruptly it left me a bit confused and lost. Not to mention the date thing seemed really random- I mean putting the date in just one chapter. I mean if you are going to do that for one do it for all, I get you were trying to a show it was Valentine’s day but instead of placing the date there it would’ve been easier to somehow slip it into Soomin’s thoughts. Did it flow nicely? Did you jump around too much? When read out loud does it make sense?

Visual Things (15/15)

No problems here as far as I can see.

Ending (--/10)

You do not have an ending so this will not count towards your final score.

Extra Comments:

Like I said before I honestly have no clue how you managed to make such an unoriginal idea somehow original and unique. I loved that a whole lot. Not to mention I really think you have a really good potential to go pro at writing. I mean I really liked it and I hope you can continue to write and improve. Also I want to say you are really good at description-but there is always room for improvement so keep trying and fussing around with different sentence structures, syntax as well as diction and you got yourself a great story, that is well written as well.

Total (67/90)

Taste of Longing

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