Title (5/5)

The title fits the story as a whole so no complaints and it caught my attention.

Description/ Foreword (4/10)

Not much was there, definitely not enough to actually intrigue me. It was kind of boring and a bit messy.

Characters (4/10)

I get that you’re trying to make your characters unique and all. But they weren’t realistic at all. Most readers want a character they can relate to in some way shape or form or at least see being a real person. Most of the reactions they had to certain situations made me sit and stare at my computer for a while in confusion and frustration. I mean honestly if you find out you have a power you aren’t going to just be like “oh sweet”. Most people I know would freak and try to figure out why they have those powers and if it’s actually happening. Not messing around with them just for the hell of it. Especially Kai, I mean he would pop into random peoples places and be all oh cool, uh yeh just grabbed a random stranger from this creepy place I’ve never been he was bleeding so I grabbed him and brought him back to our dorm, no biggie. I don’t see any one in their right mind acting like that.

Plot (14/20)

The plot was unique haven’t seen a plot quite like it. It was intriguing but I honestly feel like it was carried out poorly. I mean you kind of seemed lost in your own story when I was reading it. It seemed like you hastily threw everything together hoping it would work out. Normally an author plans out how the whole story is going to go. I know I do that so I don’t forget, get lost or seem out of it. Over all it was good, just poor execution.

Grammar (11/20)

I gave you few points on this because of many reasons actually. Mainly because you used cheap speech and text terms, things an author should never do unless the characters are actually having a text conversation. Also you had random areas where you put in parentheses and put in little comments or thoughts the characters was actually having. I don’t understand where that came from to be honest. Also you had many spelling errors; your sentence structure however was pretty much perfect for the most part. But you did have a few sentences that made absolutely no sense. Also your descriptions for the most part were rather childish and boring. Instead of describing the man who you called Pedo man, you just called him pedo man. That was it. I feel like it would’ve been better if you actually described him a bit and there were other areas where this was needed.

Flow (8/10)

It flowed nicely for the most part. But you moved from point of view to point of view like it was a habit. Normally in a story no matter how many characters there are you keep a minimum amount of point of views. I feel you would’ve been better off just doing a third person point of view throughout the whole story.

Visual Things (15/15)

No complaints.

Ending (--/10)

Not there, so won’t count towards final score.

Extra Comments:

I noticed that you actually requested for me to be straight up with you, so I did and I hope it helps you out in the end. But you do need a lot of work; also if you don’t want to take my advice on the point of views I’m fine with that. Just be warned that you really need to work on describing things just a little better. Most readers love it when a writer can describe emotions, feelings and situations with tons of skill and detail. Mainly because it’ll immediately capture their attention and make them feel a connection with the story. They will suddenly be trapped in the plot and everything and it’ll be like they are actually there. Also there are many different types of third person point of views you can do. The one I would suggest for you since you like to let people know exactly what the character is thinking or is feeling, you should do Omniscient POV. They know everything about each and every character. Also for describing, I do a little exercise to help me with getting everything out in the open. I literally imagine myself in the person’s shoes. So I can feel everything they do, see everything they see, and witness it first hand in my mind. It actually is really helpful, then you just write out how they would feel what they would see and form it into a couple of amazing sentences and you’re done. Sorry if this is a lot to take in but I am just trying to help.

Total (61/90)

Raven's Gate

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