Title (3/5)

So far I haven’t really seen the meaning behind the title. It just seemed to fit for the description and foreword.

Description/ Foreword (4/10)

I didn’t find any of it really that eye catching. It was same old same old, nothing really new and I still don’t see what it has to do with the story either. Also the foreword was character descriptions, normally that isn’t very appealing. Also you gave away too much about the characters, if you are going to put the characters profiles you never ever want to reveal their love interests or too much like you did.

Characters (5/10)

I didn’t really find the characters interesting in any way shape or form. In fact it seemed like you tried a bit too hard to make Juniel and the main girl seem too different. It kind of seemed extremely unrealistic, the phobia you gave the main girl. I’m sorry if you know someone like that but I don’t so it seemed a bit too strange. Trust me I know some strange people and I am one of them. No one acts like that. Also her little obsession is a bit creepy, I mean I am a fan girl as much as the next person but I don’t know that seemed extremely unrealistic to me, too.

Plot (10/20)

It was not very original, as soon as I read the foreword I basically could sum the whole story up in my head. So far it seems like I am right about the whole plot. It is the classic story; a girl is in love with a bad boy gangster who doesn’t know she exists. But her best friend has a huge crush on her and it becomes one big nasty love triangle. Nothing new here, also you don’t seem to know the basics of writing a chapter. Every chapter seemed to be a different scene, different time and only focusing on small pointless things. I mean the only big thing so far is her running into CAP.

 Grammar (9/20)

I am so sorry to say this but your grammar was awful. On one of the chapters you didn’t capitalize the “I”, and that is a basic rule in writing you always capitalize a singular” I”. Also your sentences were incomplete and your description was mediocre at best. You used awkward syntax plenty of times. Some of your similes didn’t make sense. You also used plural nouns when you should’ve used singular nouns. Also you don’t seem to know how to make someone feel something while they are reading your story. You have to put yourself in the characters shoes and feel everything they feel. Then you express it through words that make sense and readers will somehow then feel a connection with the story even if their life is nothing like the characters; even if the character is completely unrealistic.

 Flow (4/10)

I can’t really say it flowed nicely. Each paragraph was jumping around to a thousand different things. It is very hard for readers to understand what is going on if you are doing this.

Visual Things (10/15) 

Everything was fine except for when the characters speak. I can’t stand it when people italize every word someone speaks. That is abusing it, you only italicize for a flash back (sometimes not even that), or when someone is putting emphasis on a word. Luckily you stopped coloring every word they said, because that is also a definite no no in writing.

 Ending (--/10)

There is not ending to the story yet. So this will not count towards your final score.

Extra Comments: I am so sorry if this came off as really harsh, but that is what a writer needs to improve their writing skills. But I will say that I do see some potential for you, which is the first step in being a writer. So I wish you luck!

Total (45/90)

Your Everything

I hope this helps you with your story and writing!

Don't forget to comment and sorry fi I was a bit harsh