Title (4/5)

Not the most eye-catching-but it seems to fit the story in general. It gave you enough insight to tell you that someone is going to be messed up, whether physically or mentally and is going to need help. I think it is fitting and that is all the matters.

Description/ Foreword (5/10)

I am having mixed feelings about your foreword and it is making me want to shove my face into the concrete. I feel like it was eye catching yet at the same time it wasn’t. I mean honestly the foreword probably appealed to me mostly because I love Tablo’s song Home. But it was also kind of boring, not too eye catching. The part that caught my attention at the very end of the whole thing when Sumin says “you had one chance and you ruined it.”  But also the part that could’ve been much more interesting was when you said “Su Min forgot that for a second, leaded by her curiosity for his family history.” I seriously think it would’ve been more hard-hitting if you ended it right after ‘for a second’. Maybe try “But Sumin forgot that for a second.” Or maybe you could actually add onto that part as well. Whatever fits your style. Also the whole texting back and forth thing was utterly confusing-I was so lost. Also since it s about something a bit dark you could maybe do something like this.

One step and you’re dead,

One minute and you breathe your last breath

One second and you go off the edge

So little time

He had one chance and he ruined it

Characters (--/10)

I mean there really isn’t much to go on at the moment. You pretty much just started your story so no room for character development-not yet at least. But I can say that it seems like Kai will end up having a bit of a shocking side. But to be honest the characters aren’t at the point where they immediately capture your attention. But I believe that they both will have amazing personalities later on in the story-but like I said I’m not really going to rate you on your characters because I can only do so when you have more chapters. THIS WILL NOT COUNT TOWARDS YOUR FINAL SCORE!

Plot (11/20)

So far it is a normal story dealing with depression or a serious psychological problem or illness. Not exactly similar but not exactly different from ones I have read before. I mean honestly so far there is no plot twist and I wasn’t really expecting a plot twist since you only have three chapters. To be honest though-the first chapters aren’t really intriguing enough to keep my attention. So I haven’t really grasped the whole plot that well. I can see that it is about fixing a broken heart and a damaged soul a possible love, with a down side-because of rules and regulations. It isn’t anything new but at the same time it isn’t anything ‘old’ either.  I really have mixed feelings about the plot-so if this is confusing you that’s because I am confused as well. I really love it but at the same time it isn’t really that interesting. Maybe the part where he jumps just wasn’t as intriguing as I thought it would be. There was no huge lead up to it-it wasn’t shocking enough, there wasn’t a wow factor and maybe that’s why after reading I felt a little unsatisfied.

Grammar (17/20)

A majority of the time you were good in this department-but no one’s perfect including me! First of all one of your main problems and I have no clue why this bugged me so much was you seemed to think that no matter what if something was between quotes it had to be a whole sentence so you ended each sentence with a period-when you shouldn’t have. Confusing right?

“Kai, please.” Kai looked up at his brother.

You ended each quote with a period when you shouldn’t have. Not every piece of dialogue is a full sentence. The better way to write this sentence would’ve been:

“Kai, please,” Kai looked up at his brother.

That is an actual sentence. What bugged me is you did it with almost everything that was between quotes-I understand if you’re doing it to be dramatic but certain parts shouldn’t have periods at the end because they aren’t really sentences. I hope you understand what I’m saying because I think I am failing at explaining it. Also you on occasion put in unnecessary words-or words that really didn’t belong in particular sentences or places.

“Shaking his head, Lay let out a tear fall down his cheek.”

It would be better worded as: “Shaking his head, Lay let a tear trail down his pale lifeless cheek.”

See the difference? The sentence was given more life and emotion-you don’t have to write it like that. Mainly because it is your story and you write what you envision. But in the original sentence the “out’ part wasn’t really needed to get your point across-it seemed like an unneeded word. You also misspelled a couple of words-and besides the dialogue there were more unfinished sentences or incomplete sentences.

Flow (5/10)

I honestly think you had a problem with skipping around too much in each chapter. You went from Sumin’s third person point of view. Then suddenly went to Kai’s third person point of view-and sometimes I think you actually skipped around from one time to a different time as well.I got confused a couple of times because I thought I was reading about Sumin then suddenly Kai’s name was mentioned and I was completely lost. The best way to fix this if you don’t want short chapters is if you put in little breaks-they have a special thing on here that lets you do it. It basically puts in a line for you to show a break between the point of views or the time difference. So people now and don’t get confused-or you could use a cute little pattern like more creative writers do to break them up. Like a cute little short line of flowers or something.

Visual Things (15/15)

The poster was beautiful. The font and text you used was a perfect size and light and airy, so no complaints.

Ending (--/10)

There is no ending yet-so this won’t count towards your final score.

Extra Comments:

I personally think this story has so much potential-and you as a writer have so much potential as well. I mean to be quite honest you only had a few spelling errors, and incomplete sentences that could’ve been fixed easily with just a few good old comas. Also I think your only other problem was a lack of good and intense description. I always say this and I think it’s because I seriously am obsessed with description-if a story lacks description then I lose interest. You didn’t lack description but you didn’t have enough to satisfy my thirst for it. When it all comes down to it description is what literally makes a story- it helps the reader relate, it helps them understand the characters and it literally throws them right into the book. Where they feel, see and hear everything the characters does. All you have to do is put yourself in Sumin’s shoes or Kai’s shoes and pretend to be them-so you can feel, see, hear, taste and smell everything they feel, see, hear, taste and smell. Besides that your story was enjoyable and I see a lot of room for improvement and HUGE potential. I wish you luck with it.

Total (57/80)

Fix me

Thank you so much for requesting!

I hope this review helps you in your future writing and I wish you luck!

Please don't forget to credit and comment-thanks~!