Another Review
Change
If you were expecting this to be a new chapter, I'm super sorry! *bows* You don't have to read this if you don't want to, we just post it since it's the rules and for our guide so it can help us with the story. I'm sorry once again!
story title → Change.
story author →shiraishi_fan67.
reviewer → minminXP
exquisite © 2011 | all rights reserved.
http://e-xquisite.co.nr/
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Title: 8/10
The plot was not really as relevant to the title. Unless you meant the change was in the relationship between Minki and Jonghyun. Keep the title clearer, but overall, one-word titles tend to capture more attention.
In this case, your main female lead, Minki, did go through a lot of change in attitude towards her ex-boyfriend, Jonghyun.
However, the problem is that your conflict does not really have much to do with change. How does Jonghyun dating Sekyung have anything to do with change?
Storyline: 15/20
Your storyline is pretty consistent, although it seems a little rushed to me. It is pretty interesting, but it gets a bit dull towards the back, as you keep dragging on about Minki’s idol life. Try to add in a little action into your stories. Filling your chapters with descriptions of an idol’s life may be all right for a few times. However, it gets repetitive after a while. Unless you are trying to emphasise that her life is very busy? In that case, you have managed to get the point across very clearly.
Appearance: 3/5
Since you do not have any graphics in your story, I will judge your organization.
Due to her parents leaving for the US for business reasons, Lee Minki has to live with her cousin, Lee Jinki AKA Onew. During that stay, she has gotten close to one of Onew’s members, Kim Jonghyun and eventually starts to date him. They were a happy couple, and no one knew about them dating (except for SHINee and others from SM of course). But one day, she saw the news of him dating the actress Shin Se Kyung. How would she react?
The description is usually the first thing the readers see other than the characters in the story. So maybe you might want to elaborate more or rephrase it in a way that makes it sound more interesting.
Writing Style: 6/10
Your writing style is very straightforward, and you spend not much time in describing things, unless it is necessary. This kind of to-the-point writing has its virtues and flaws. Readers will not have to worry over having you write about something small in long paragraphs. Yet they have no picture in mind when they read your stories.
Literary devices might come in handy here, and try to paint an image that the reader will see when reading your stories. If they do not feel anything while reading your story, than you have to spice it up a little more. Try to relate to them by predicting their reactions. Will you find your story good if you read it again afterwards? Always ask yourself that while editing.
Characterization: 6/10
Your characters’ attitudes towards each other were set very plainly in the start. DO keep in mind that people are not that unaffected by things going around them. Minki might want to get revenge on Jonghyun, but would she do that if she weren’t affected by his actions? People are not robots, so try to put yourself in your character’s shoes and think.
Surely, you would not be as unaffected as Minki is about the destruction of their relationship? Minki might have cried over him at the start, but as the story progresses, try to add in parts where she questions herself or really ponders over what happened.
Minki does not reflect upon herself, and that’s a flaw of your character. Unless you intend to paint Minki as a vengeful person, than you have gone wrong somewhere in your characterization.
Jonghyun, on the other hand, has been painted out to be a very scared person. He is very clearly afraid that Minki might do something to him. I like the way you make him a very jumpy person. It shows his guilt and regret for doing something.
Story Flow: 9/10
Your story progresses very fast, which is a very good thing. No one likes to read draggy stories, which harp on one thing over and over again.
However, I have noticed one thing about your story. Even though the root cause of the problem was Jonghyun dating Sekyung, not once did Sekyung make an appearance in the story. Perhaps you might want to spice up the storyline and make it seem like Jonghyun had been wronged, or something.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 7/10
Overall, your punctuation is pretty good. However, you tend to leave out words in your sentences or make spelling errors.
‘"You do why today is special, right?"’
In this case, it should be: ‘“You do know why today is special, right?”’
Do not miss out words, or the sentence might not make sense at all, and readers will get confused.
‘"W-why?" he stuttered then mentally cursed him.’
Although I understand the meaning of your sentence, the literal phrasing of it does not make any sense. To be correct, your sentence should be like this: ‘“W-why?” He stuttered, then mentally cursed himself.’
It does not make sense for him to be cursing anyone other than himself. Do look through your story every now and then to spot mistakes. It might have been a typo, but it’s always good to keep your story as accurate as possible.
Creativity and Originality: 5/15
I’m so sorry, but I found your story extremely clichéd. Boy cheats on girl; girl
freaks out and then tries to get back at him. It’s a classic storyline used in many romance stories. Your plot is not very original, except for the part where Minki decides not to shed any more tears for Jonghyun.
Even that part was not so creative, but it’s a less popular plot element, and that gave you points. Try to add in things that have not been seen before.
Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
Overall, I found your story a little dull. It did, however, had its interesting scenes, like when Onew started planning ways to kill Jonghyun. Reading about the strange thoughts that he had really made me laugh a lot.
Sub-Total: 65/100
Bonus: 0/5
I’m sorry, but I’m a very honest and strict reviewer, maybe even a tad cynical. I tend to give low scores to everybody unless you really impress me, so keep trying and maybe you’ll get a higher score from me next time.
Total: 65/100
Title: 8/10
The plot was not really as relevant to the title. Unless you meant the change was in the relationship between Minki and Jonghyun. Keep the title clearer, but overall, one-word titles tend to capture more attention.
In this case, your main female lead, Minki, did go through a lot of change in attitude towards her ex-boyfriend, Jonghyun.
However, the problem is that your conflict does not really have much to do with change. How does Jonghyun dating Sekyung have anything to do with change?
Storyline: 15/20
Your storyline is pretty consistent, although it seems a little rushed to me. It is pretty interesting, but it gets a bit dull towards the back, as you keep dragging on about Minki’s idol life. Try to add in a little action into your stories. Filling your chapters with descriptions of an idol’s life may be all right for a few times. However, it gets repetitive after a while. Unless you are trying to emphasise that her life is very busy? In that case, you have managed to get the point across very clearly.
Appearance: 3/5
Since you do not have any graphics in your story, I will judge your organization.
Due to her parents leaving for the US for business reasons, Lee Minki has to live with her cousin, Lee Jinki AKA Onew. During that stay, she has gotten close to one of Onew’s members, Kim Jonghyun and eventually starts to date him. They were a happy couple, and no one knew about them dating (except for SHINee and others from SM of course). But one day, she saw the news of him dating the actress Shin Se Kyung. How would she react?
The description is usually the first thing the readers see other than the characters in the story. So maybe you might want to elaborate more or rephrase it in a way that makes it sound more interesting.
Writing Style: 6/10
Your writing style is very straightforward, and you spend not much time in describing things, unless it is necessary. This kind of to-the-point writing has its virtues and flaws. Readers will not have to worry over having you write about something small in long paragraphs. Yet they have no picture in mind when they read your stories.
Literary devices might come in handy here, and try to paint an image that the reader will see when reading your stories. If they do not feel anything while reading your story, than you have to spice it up a little more. Try to relate to them by predicting their reactions. Will you find your story good if you read it again afterwards? Always ask yourself that while editing.
Characterization: 6/10
Your characters’ attitudes towards each other were set very plainly in the start. DO keep in mind that people are not that unaffected by things going around them. Minki might want to get revenge on Jonghyun, but would she do that if she weren’t affected by his actions? People are not robots, so try to put yourself in your character’s shoes and think.
Surely, you would not be as unaffected as Minki is about the destruction of their relationship? Minki might have cried over him at the start, but as the story progresses, try to add in parts where she questions herself or really ponders over what happened.
Minki does not reflect upon herself, and that’s a flaw of your character. Unless you intend to paint Minki as a vengeful person, than you have gone wrong somewhere in your characterization.
Jonghyun, on the other hand, has been painted out to be a very scared person. He is very clearly afraid that Minki might do something to him. I like the way you make him a very jumpy person. It shows his guilt and regret for doing something.
Story Flow: 9/10
Your story progresses very fast, which is a very good thing. No one likes to read draggy stories, which harp on one thing over and over again.
However, I have noticed one thing about your story. Even though the root cause of the problem was Jonghyun dating Sekyung, not once did Sekyung make an appearance in the story. Perhaps you might want to spice up the storyline and make it seem like Jonghyun had been wronged, or something.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 7/10
Overall, your punctuation is pretty good. However, you tend to leave out words in your sentences or make spelling errors.
‘"You do why today is special, right?"’
In this case, it should be: ‘“You do know why today is special, right?”’
Do not miss out words, or the sentence might not make sense at all, and readers will get confused.
‘"W-why?" he stuttered then mentally cursed him.’
Although I understand the meaning of your sentence, the literal phrasing of it does not make any sense. To be correct, your sentence should be like this: ‘“W-why?” He stuttered, then mentally cursed himself.’
It does not make sense for him to be cursing anyone other than himself. Do look through your story every now and then to spot mistakes. It might have been a typo, but it’s always good to keep your story as accurate as possible.
Creativity and Originality: 5/15
I’m so sorry, but I found your story extremely clichéd. Boy cheats on girl; girl
freaks out and then tries to get back at him. It’s a classic storyline used in many romance stories. Your plot is not very original, except for the part where Minki decides not to shed any more tears for Jonghyun.
Even that part was not so creative, but it’s a less popular plot element, and that gave you points. Try to add in things that have not been seen before.
Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
Overall, I found your story a little dull. It did, however, had its interesting scenes, like when Onew started planning ways to kill Jonghyun. Reading about the strange thoughts that he had really made me laugh a lot.
Sub-Total: 65/100
Bonus: 0/5
I’m sorry, but I’m a very honest and strict reviewer, maybe even a tad cynical. I tend to give low scores to everybody unless you really impress me, so keep trying and maybe you’ll get a higher score from me next time.
Total: 65/100
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Yeah, we didn't do well as we did last time. But, I won't be down! It's like, constructive criticism. I don't know how my unnie feels but I think she'll feel the same way.
We hope to get the next chapter out as soon as we can, but the time span is unknown.
Oh, as this might be the last review until the end of the story (which is unknown for now) so don't be expecting another review~
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