“Chanyeol, you need to unlock this door and come out here right this instant!” Sehun yells at me from the other side of my door.

“I CAN’T!”

“At least tell me what’s wrong!”

Byun Baekhyun. He’s out of my life, well mostly.

I still see him on the television, he’s paler than usual and he wears a lot more eyeliner than he usually does.

His performances are always flawless, his voice has an edge to it that I have always, and will always continue to love.

Everything reminds me of Byun Baekhyun, from the scent that he’s left on the edge of my pillow from sleeping next to me, his arms wrapped around my middle, to the way the rain slides down my window, just like it did when he nursed me back to health after I had caught the flu.

I hope he’s hurting too, and I can’t bear these thoughts. I feel horrible and selfish that I’d want him to feel at least something like the pain I’m going through.

I’m a child. A selfish, bratty child to think that I’d be able to keep him to myself forever.

I realise just how much I’ve taken him for granted, his love for granted.

I’m also sure he is was my soulmate.

“I CAN’T!”

I can hear Sehun exhale loudly and slump to the floor.

I see him in my imagination, his legs drawn into his torso as he rests his head, frustrated, on the other side of my locked door.

“Chanyeol, please. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s happened.”

“Sehun, just please let it go…”

“I WON’T LET IT GO!” Sehun growls.

“You haven’t eaten anything substantial in a week and I’m getting really worried. We all are.”

“What?”


“Chanyeol you’ve got to come out.”

Luhan?

“Chanyeol, I’ll cook you something nice, I promise.”

Kyungsoo?

“Come on Chanyeol, Kyungsoo’s cooking is like Jesus! He could feed the five thousand you know!”

I groan.

Kai.

Here come the tears once again.

Why does everyone else’s romance have to be so perfect?

“Chanyeol, I can hear you crying. Please, let us help you!” Sehun pounds on the door.

“No!”

“Please?”

I don’t answer, I just pull the covers even further up over my head, hiding myself from the world.

I don’t think I have the energy to get up.

“Chanyeol, that’s it!” Sehun yells.

I hear loud thumping sounds and I know they're trying to kick the door down.

I cower even further into my doona and cover my ears with my hands, humming one of Byun Baekhyun’s songs.

Once I realise what I’m doing, I start to uncontrollably shake.

Chanyeol, don’t think like that.

I can’t help it.

I push the blankets over my head and make my way across the room to my desk.

I’m in a trance.

It doesn’t take me long to find the lighter. I keep it in my drawer just for moments like this.

Sehun doesn’t realise.

Sehun doesn’t understand.

I flick the catch and watch as the flames dance.

It’s like a magnet.

I want to get closer to the flame, I want to feel it my skin.

“Chanyeol!”

It seems they have made it in. Sehun grabs the lighter off me and looks at me with concern in his eyes. Luhan is quick to pull me into a bone crushing hug, and Kai and Kyungsoo stand a little way apart. Kyungsoo’s eyes are wide, as if he’s trying to process what just happened.

“I can’t believe you!” Kai walks over and slaps my cheek.

“I can’t believe you!”

Kai is crying.

Kai is crying.

“How could you be so selfish? How could you even try to hurt yourself, Chanyeol!”

His voice is getting louder and more emotional with each syllable.

“There are people who love you and this is what you try to do!”

He slaps me again, before grabbing my face into his hands and wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

Tell them.

“Kai, there are many important people in my life that don’t love me.”

Kai’s eyes widen.

“You know how my life was like before I moved in with Sehun, I know you do. You know how my parents never wanted me! And you know what, now Byun Baekhyun doesn’t want me either!”

Realisation clicks.

“Oh, Chanyeol!” Sehun grabs the tissues and s them into my face.

“I’m going to kill him, I really am!” Sehun yells.

I shake my head.

“Don't, Sehun. I really thought he was the one, Sehun, I really did.”

Sehun nods and kisses my forehead.

“I know, I know, baby. But that doesn’t mean you should hurt yourself.”

“Sometimes I can’t help it!” I hiccup loudly.

Luhan is brushing tears away with one of the tissues, his legs brushing up against mine as he sits on my desk, watching me carefully.

They are helping, but I still feel awful.

“How about we go get you cleaned up?” Sehun finally verbalizes, pulling me up from my chair.

He leads me off to the bathroom and starts the shower. He waits for it to warm against his open arm, and then motions for me to come forward.

I nod to him and he leaves the room, letting me bathe in silence.

I disrobe, pressing the palm of my hand against the tiled wall. The water’s hot, but not painfully so. I let myself sink to the floor.

No, Park Chanyeol.

Razor blade.




























“Chanyeol? You’ve been in there an awfully long time.” Sehun knocks loudly on the door.

I can’t feel anymore.

I can’t even think.

Everything feels like water washing over me, and I am floating along on calm, peaceful waves.

Sehun kicks down yet another door, and I am met with a horrified face.

“Chanyeol?”

It comes as only a whisper.

I smile at the mention of my name. My eyes flutter closed.

Darkness engulfs me.