DONGHAE's POV

"Hyuk..I---I'm inlove with you," I said.

I looked at him in the eyes as I said it...as I reveal my secret...the secret I swore I'd keep...but failed. I let my emotions guide me into something I might regret later...I did something that may shatter our relationship in pieces...I said the words that might cause him to leave me.

OR...

Or maybe he'll accept...maybe he feel the same way? All those years of us being the EUNHAE the crowd wanted us to be, the hugs every morning when I try to wake him up, us holding hands even if no one's looking, the pecks on the cheek when we're fooling around, those times...those years we've been together, inseperable...maybe...just maybe...and how I wish it's true...he feels the same way and just hides it? Like me? 

Please let it be the latter...please...

"Hahahahahahaha!!!" I looked at him with wide eyes as he laughed uncontrollably, clutching his stomach as he finds it hard to breathe. Why? Are you taking everything I've said as a joke again?

"Hae---that's! That's---Oh damn, Hae! You're face was such an epic! You could really act you know! WHoo! I haven't laughed so hard in ages!" You said, still chuckling as I just stared at you. Dumbfounded.

Finally, you looked at me, still frozen, still shocked that you took everything as a joke. He walked towards me, with that gummy smile glued on his face. I really...really...want to wipe it off...

"Hae, are you ok?"

"Okay? Okay?! Do I look okay to you?!" I shouted at him, angry that he took my feelings as a joke...as if...it's just a paper he tossed out of the window.

"Sheesh, Hae, drop the drama. I know this is a Secret Camera. I'm not buying it," he smirked.

"Damn it, Hyukjae! This is not a secret camera! This is freakin real! I love you, okay?! Not as a bestfriend! I love you! I love you more than that! Why do you have to take everything as a joke?!" I screamed again, more anger rising from my chest. I've never felt so angry in my life!

He stopped laughing, smiling...and I can swear he stopped breathing when he realized I was serious.

"Get it, now? You are one slow monkey," I said, with voice pure of sarcasm.

"But--" He started speaking, and I waited anxiously for the reply.

"That's---Ugh, Hae, that's preposterous!" Hukjae shouted, looking at me as my words really sink in.

"You can't love me, Hae. At least not like that. We are guys," He stated, breathing in to calm himself down.

"You think I didn't notice? But, Hyuk---I can't stop it. The times weve been together, those times...I don't know...it just happened," I answered back, lowering my voice.

"Since when did you start feeling that way, Hae?"

"2 years after debut."

There was silence again. But I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I turned to look at you.

"You're just confused, Hae. You just need to get yourself a girlfriend. Don't worry, I'll help you find one," he smiled at me, "That Jessica has a thing for you, right? Why not give it a shot with her? Im sure she'll be--" I smacked his hand away from my shoulder.

"Dont you dare say I'm confused, Hyuk, because I know I'm not! And I dont want to have a girlfriend and end up as miserable like you are with Hyun Ji!" I spat. The anger returning in my veins.

"So that's why you talked bad about Hyun Ji, isnt? Because you were jealous?! Becasue you thought if we broke up you could have a chance with me?!" He shouted back.

No. I never thought about having a shot with you...I'll never do that...I just wanted you not to get hurt anymore...

"No...that's not it..." I whispered, but enough for him to hear.

"No?! Tell me Hae! How many times have you schemed on breaking me and my previous girlfriends apart, so that you can have you way with me?! How many times have you talked bad about them infront of me?! Huh?! Let's be honest with each other, shall we?! How many times Hae?!" He shouted, clearly angry too.

I never really thought that way...well, maybe it was becasue of jealousy that I talked bad about them, but it never occured to me to break them apart to have him all to myself. I wasn't that selfish. I never dreamt of doing that, never. 

"Never. Hyuk, I never---" I started saying but ended up being shout at.

"Oh come on! Stop denying! I should've noticed it sonner! You little dark secret! That's why you never really liked any of my girlfriends! Damn it, Hae! You've been gay about me for about 2 years! That's just disgusting!"

That did it.

"Disgusting? So I'm disgusting now, huh? Because I love you, I'm disgusting?" I said, smiling at him and looking at him in the eyes. I took a deep breath to stop the tears that wanted to fall. Not now. Not infront of him.

"I apologize for falling in love with you, okay? I'm sorry if its making you uncomfortable that a disgusting person like me dared to fall for someone like you. I', truly sorry. But, don't worry, I'll try my best...to forget it. Really, so as to not make you feel burdened," I told him with a straight face and he's just looking at me.

"I have to go, I'm feeling...exceptionally well already," I finally said since I dont know how long I can hold back the tears. But before I leave,

"Oh, by the way, I was suppose to ask you if its real or not but now I guess I got my answer," I turned around and looked at him with a strained smile on my face, "See you around---colleague."

As soon as I stepped in the bar, I was enveloped with the banging music and my legs gave away. I really---really wanted to cry, right now.

"Donghae?" I heard someone call for me and I turned around, seeing Hankyung-hyung who just went out of the men's bathroom. "Are you alright?" He asked and sat down at the stair beside me.

I nodded and tried my best to smile, "I'm fine, hyung. Just a but dizzy since Kyu made me drink without me realizing it," I partly lied and looked away so that he can't tell it it's true or not.

"Tsk, that kid, let's go, I'll take you, kyu and wookie home first. Our flight is at 5 in the morning and it's already 12. And you guys still need to pack," He said as he help me up, but my legs are still shaking...because..

"You can't stand? Dang, that maknae, making you drink...hop on," Hankyung-hyung said as he positioned himself infront of me. I hesitated at first, but climbed up anyway, since I know my feet can't support me for now. I nuzzled at hyung's neck, biting my tongue so the tears won't fall. The other guys who saw us asked what's wrong with me, and Hankyung-hyung answered for me and told them it's Kyu's fault.

"What?! It is not! I told him it's not a juice!" Kyu defended himself.

"It's still you fault Hae's like this! You know he's not good with alcohol!" Heechul-hyung reprimanded Kyu and the other stand-by to watch as the evil-Kyu got his daily serving of the Heechul's divaness.

"Alright, that's enough," Hankyung-hyung stopped them and grabbed Wookie and Kyu out, gaining some questioning with the others but Heechul-hyung hold them off, saying that they are all drunk, though Kyu and Wookie doesn't look like it.

"No fair. Why do you get to tell Heechul-hyung?" I complained to Hankyung-hyung while I'm still at his back and the other two following us as we made our way towards our van, where manager-hyung will take us home.

"Because he's my bestfriend...and you cant really hide anything from him, you know. I'm surprised you haven't told Hyuk," he said and I was silenced by that. Just the mere mention of his name makes my heart cry in pain.

"He doesn't need to know," I whispered, and Hankyung-hyung looked at me. Uh-oh... had to make an excuse,"You know Hyukkie, for sure if he'll knew he won't even allow me to board on that plane! He just can't live without me," I joked, but my heart...

"I know. You guys are inseperable, others might really think you're a couple," Hankyung-hyung commented and I just shut my mouth.

Inseperable, huh? Well, not anymore.

As we made our way back to the dorm, my feet started to function again. I went to my room, locked myself in and cried my heart out.

"That's just disgusting!"

"That's just disgusting!"

"That's just disgusting!"

"That's just disgusting!"

"Why do you have to be so cruel?" I whispered in between my sobs.

"Why do I have to love you?"

"Why does it have to be you?"

I cried until my whole body became sore from staying in one position for a long time. I cried until my eyes cant seem to produce another tear. I cried until my heart finally shouted : ENOUGH!

I got up from bed, packed my suitcase and can't wait for the time when we'll fly to China. At aroud 3 in the morning, I heard footsteps and doors closing as the members came back form the bar, obviously very tired and I waited for another hour for Hankyung-hyung to knock at my door and whispering that we're leaving. The five of us, Siwon, Kyu, Wookie, Hankyung-hyung and I left quietly and drove to the airport.

We'll be in China for three months. We'll make our group more popular. We will work hard together wit another two new members. I hope we'll make a good job.

And I hope that this stay...

would make me forget about the feelings I have for HIM.

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I know I'm supposed to be sleeping...

but I can't help it, damn it! :D

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