HYUKJAE’s POV

“Donghae, I’m in love with you”

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“Damn it, that sounds so simple! Ugh!” I tugged my hair as I laid my head on my desk. I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes now staring at myself at the mirror practicing.

After what happened in the Lotte world, I finally made up my mind to tell him exactly how I feel about him. What I did in the fitting room is something I’ve never done before; heck, I can’t even imagine myself doing that. But I did. And because it was Donghae I was with. Yeah, yeah, it’s cheesy and all, but it’s true. Being with him in that cramped room made me realize that I wanted to be that close to him. Every day. Every single day of my life. And I mean being close to him not because of work; not because of skinship; not for the fans; but because of what I feel for him, and I hope he still feels for me.

“Let’s try this again,” I muttered as I raised my head to meet my own reflection while my brain tried to think of the perfect words to say what I feel.

“Lee Donghae, I---” I paused, not knowing what to say next.

“I know I hurt you, I made you cry, I rejected you and I hate myself for doing that. You’re my best friend, and I shouldn’t have treated you, or shouldn’t have said the words I said before. I shouldn’t have judged you. I should have listened to you instead of letting rage control me. I should have tried to understand. I should have given you a chance, because, heck, whoever you love is so damn lucky and I am a bastard who wasted that chance. I should have given us a shot---“

“You really should have,” my head snapped from the voice and turned to look at the door where I found Kyuhyun leaning on my wall, holding two cans of cola with a blank expression on his face.

“Kyuhyun, how long have you been standing there?” I asked him as I stood up and motioned for him to enter. He closed the door and locked it, and made his way to the desk where he sat on the table while I sat on the edge of my bed. He threw the can at me and I caught it.

“I wanted to talk to you,” He said, not answering my first question.

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you too,” I told him as I opened the can, and he did so as well.

“Okay then. I think this is the perfect time for us to talk, don’t you think?” He said.

“I know who this is all about,” I told him, lifting my gaze and meeting his.

“Really? Who?”

“Donghae.”

He smirked at me, “Yes, it’s about him. Now, tell me, what do you think about Donghae-hyung?” He asked as he drank again while keeping his eyes on me.

A picture of Donghae appeared in my mind; a vibrant, smiling Donghae and I can’t help but to smile a little.

“Donghae---he is my best friend. No one understands me better than him. We’ve known each other for 10 years or so, and he is special for me.”

“How special?”

“How? Umm---I hated to see him sad; I hate it when he gets bullied because he is one sensitive fish,” I chuckled, looking out the window as the memories with Donghae invaded my thought but I continued talking, “I wanted him to always smile, I want him to be happy, I want him to feel cherished. I want what’s best for him. That’s how special he is to me.”

“Really now?” Kyuhyun said with a tone I can’t tell. He seemed to be mocking me, but I ignored it.

“What about you? What is Donghae to you?” I asked him, and finally tore my gaze away from the window and into the serious eyes of the maknae.

“He is someone important to me.” He simply answered but I wanted to hear more.

“How important?”

“Donghae-hyung is like---my hero. Yeah, that’s the word. He befriended me when I was an introvert trainee. He taught me how to mingle with others, how to be my true self but at the same time how to have fun. Even if he is childish, he protects me from everyone who tries to harm me. Remember? When he stood up for me when you and the others don’t accept me in the group? That’s one of the many reasons why I look up to him. He’s adorable, but manly at the same time. He is someone I’d be willing to give my live for. That’s how important Donghae-hyung is for me.” He finished, and it surprised me how the cold eyes he’s giving me before turned into a pool of gentle orbs, his eyes shining as he mentioned Donghae’s name.

I looked at the maknae’s expression; it’s definitely something I haven’t seen in his face before. His face is painted with nothing but adoration, and that because he’s talking about Donghae.

“Kyuhyun---”

“Hyukjae, I wanted to ask you something,” he said, cutting me off. I looked at him and nodded for him to continue,

“Do you love, Donghae-hyung?”

I know there’d be a point in this discussion that I’d be ask just that, but I was still taken aback as he looked me into the eyes, as if the answer can be seen there. I am not the type to voice out what I feel, I usually just stay quiet when asked this kind of things; I’ve been into situations where they ask me if I am dating or stuff. But this situation is different. I know for myself that I love him, so much, but I am not sure if I am ready to shout it to the world, especially since the world we’re in now is not so open with things like this. And we’re still at the peak of our career.

“I---”

I tried to answer, but no words came out of my mouth. Thought were floating in my head making me think. Like, what if we affected the group? What if we get our contract terminated? What would the people think? Would they accept us? Would they still support Eunhae is they knew that it was not just for fan service? Would the members accept us? Will they?

“I love Donghae-hyung,” Kyuhyun said with conviction as he held my gaze. His eyes turning serious again, and he stood up, walking towards me but stopped midway, still facing me.

“I am deeply in love with him, HyukJae. I can give him everything he wants. I can make him smile. I can shield him from you, form the people who’d try to criticize him, us. I can leave behind all this fame for him. I can run away with him to keep him safe, and to keep him with me. I can wipe away the tears of his pain. I can give him my endless love. I can be everything he wants me to be.” The maknae said, still locked gaze with me, and I just stared at him, silently admiring his courage.

“But I know I am not you,” he ended in a whisper.

“What?”

“He loves you, HyukJae. And no matter how much I wanted to replace you in his heart, I can’t. He’s just way too deep that I can’t save him from his misery. I offered myself to him to replace you but he declined. He told me he doesn’t want to drag me into his mess, that he’s the only person who has to suffer, but seeing him like that kills me. I really hated you, honestly. And I still do. I hate you for breaking my precious hyung, for putting those tears in his eyes, for crushing his heart, for calling him disgusting. I really wanted to break your face awhile ago when you said you didn’t want to see him sad, because, how could you have the guts to say that if you are the main reason he cries himself to sleep?”

I stayed silent, taking in every word; every word came to me like a punch in the face, making me feel how I made Donghae suffer. No, this is nothing to what he has to go through.

“And now I ask you if you love him, you can’t answer me properly. I bet you’re thinking of the consequences, huh? Your career, the fans, the people. I bet you’re scared of what other will think, am I right?  I know I am, the look you’re giving me says it all. And I wanted to know that I am completely disappointed in you and to Donghae-hyung. He can be so much better you know, if he loves me instead. If he actually tries to open his heart for me. If he gives me a small space inside his heart, I’d treasure it and make sure I’d work hard to make that space bigger, I can give him all the love he needs t last a lifetime. But no, he’s stuck to you. And you, being the insensitive bastard you are, just stepped onto his heart like a trash, not giving him a chance and just put everything to waste. A chance I wanted badly, but you just easily toss out the window.”

“But you know what?” He asked, but I remained speechless, as I drowned into his eyes full of pain, full of hurt.

“Even if how much I hate you, I can’t bring myself to physically hurt you, because I know Donghae-hyung won’t like it. And no matter how much I am hurt being only a dongsaeng to the person I cherish the most, I can’t bring myself to detach myself from him, I can’t even try to move on since every single time my eyes search for him, my arms reaching out for him. But he’s searching and reaching out for someone else.” A tear escaped the maknae’s eyes but he was quick to wipe it away, and I was, still, frozen seeing Kyuhyun like this. I never once imagined I’d see him in this state; so vulnerable, so hurt and so in love.

“But I decided to let him go, HyukJae.”

That made me came back to my senses, and finally found my voice. “W—what?”

“I still, and will always, love him, but I will let him go. I don’t want him to worry that he’s hurting me, that I am hurting because of him. I don’t want him to be guilty. All I wanted for him is to be happy, and as much as I hate to say this, if you make him happy, then so be it.”

A smile came to my face and I stood up and walked towards the maknae, but when I was close enough he suddenly grabbed my shirt and brought my face close to his, his eyes glaring at me, and I had to look up because of his tall stature.

“Don’t look so smug yet,” he hissed, and I shivered from how cold his voice sounded, so menacing.

“I acknowledge the fact that you can make him happy, but I still don’t approve of you being with him after all you’ve done to damage him. I’d let him go but I won’t hand him down to you easily, you monkey.”

I glared back at him, “What do I have to do, then?”

He smirked, but his eyes remained cold, as if looking at someone inferior to him even if I am his hyung; this Evil Kyu is far worse than before.

“Easy. Convince me.” And with that he let go of my shirt and made his way to the door, but before he turn the handle, he looked back with that evil smirk on his face and said, “And you know it is not easy to get my approval.” Then he was gone.

Why?

Why can’t I be like him?

Why can’t I say my feelings with so much courage? Why can’t I tell him I love Donghae? Why can’t I confess? Why am I afraid? Why am I so stupid?

I went out of my room, still feeling disappointed of myself, and made my way to the kitchen. As I walk down the stairs, I heard music and I stopped. Allowing my feet to take me wherever it wanted, I walked towards to where the music was coming from. I stood there in front of the door, slightly opened and let my eyes wander, and it landed to someone who’s making me so confused.

There’s Donghae sitting in front of the piano, letting his fingers dance around the keys, accompanied with his sweet voice; he’s composing. I smiled at how he looked when he’s so concentrated about something, but still there’s the constant smile in his lips. How did I ever deserve your love, Donghae? What did you see in me?

He looks so beautiful.

“HyukJae?”

. He discovered me. I gave him sheepish smile, and pushed the door and slowly made my way towards the person who managed to change me, the person who makes me feel like I’ll get a heart attack based on how fast my heart is beating.

“How long have you been standing there?” He asked me, and patted the seat next to him, so I sat down beside him, feeling the warmth radiating from him. I like it.

“Just passing by when I heard you,” I told him and smiled, and he smiled back. His smile look so beautiful, so full of love, full of happiness. I want to see that smile forever.

“What’s wrong, Hyukkie? Why are you staring?” He asked me, and I looked him in the eyes. Since when did his eyes become so---breathtaking? The brown orbs is drowning me from its warmth, I like the way it looks at me, so full of concern. I want to see these eyes forever.

“Lee HyukJae,” He said. And I liked the way his voice sounded when he called my name. His voice is not too low, but not too high either, just somewhere in between. I always loved his voice, so sweet, so soothing, so addicting. I wanted want to hear his voice forever.

I felt a hand on my hand, and felt electricity shot through me. It didn’t hurt though, infact, I liked how it felt. Donghae’s hand on mine is something I can’t explain in words, but everytime I hold his hand, I feel like I can do everything, as long as he’s clutching to my hand, as long as he won’t let go. I want to hold him in my arms forever.

With the hand touching mine, I pulled Donghae in my arms, and he gasped at the sudden move, but I felt him relax after a few moments, and we stayed quiet, just like that, our hands entwined, and him in my arms.

“HyukJae, what’s wrong?”

“Donghae, I want to tell you something,” I started, finding the courage.

“What is it?”

I pushed him gently away from me, my hands went to his shoulders and I stared at his eyes, his eyes full of concern and curiosity.

“Donghae, I---”

“Hmm?”

I smiled warmly at the person in front of me right now. The hell with the people, the hell with their opinions, the hell with my career, they don’t compare to what I am seeing now, what I am feeling, so I let my heart decide and I know that I am making the right decision.

“I love you, Hae.”

His eyes bulged and I had to bite back a chuckle because of how adorable he looked. I watched his expressions intently. I felt his shoulders sag under my hand, and he looked down, not meeting my eyes.

“Hae?”

His hands went to my hands, and gently pulled it down.

“Donghae.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I think I just heard my heart crack.

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I am sorry for updating late! :(

I might not be able to update till next week.. I am sorry again.

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