Chapter 28

Am I Too Late?

 

DONGHAE's POV

 

I know I’ve always dreamt of Hyuk Jae to say the words I’ve been dreading to hear; I wanted so badly to hear him say those three magical words. The times we say it on stage doesn’t count because I know that it’s just for the fans, to give them something that we can give, to satiate their Eunhae fantasies. Whenever we say those words on stage, I always wished for it to be true, I’ve always wished to see his eyes glowing with his love for me, but it never came, and back then, I almost lost hope; but that was understandable since he still doesn’t know what I feel, those were the times where I still hid my feelings well. When did I stop hiding it?

 

Maybe I stopped keeping it to myself when it was too much. Being near him kills me because if he’s within reach, I wanted to pull him, and wrap him in my arms, to kiss those plump lips, to shower him with nothing but love, to tell him just how much I can’t  live without him. My feelings started to overflow that I can’t do anything but to say it to him. I never wanted my confession to be that rash, to be unplanned and unorganized. At times when I am alone in my room, I’d lie on my bed and think of scenarios on how to confess to him; I thought of the perfect place, the perfect words and the perfect actions to express what I felt.

 

I wanted to do it in an ocean park, under the tunnel of aquarium.

 

It may seem odd and childish of me, but I wanted the sea creatures to witness it; everyone knows my obsession to fishes, and it is not absurd that I wanted them to see it. Under the blue dimly lit aquarium, wherein there is only HyukJae and me, I wanted to say it to him there. I thought of us wandering around first, fooling around while holding hands, looking at the fishes together, taking pictures, and when the time’s right, I’d bring him to the tunnel, where I’d confess and say something like this; “Lee Hyukjae, I know we’ve been best friends all our life, we’ve been together in every step until we finally reached our goal, until we became Super Junior. And through those years, something in me change, Hyukjae-ah. I freaked out about it at first, because I know it is not common for a teenage boy to be like that, I thought I was going crazy, I thought I needed to go to the hospital for a check-up. I was really scared, Hyukkie. But then, one look at you, every thought vanishes, every doubts, every worries, they just flew out the window once I look at you, and that’s when I finally realize it Hyuk. Listen, okay? Listen carefully because you’d be hearing this sentence from me more than you want me to. I’d tell it to you every day, so listen. I love you, Hyuk Jae-ah. Ever since day one, I’ve been unconsciously in love with you. At first I thought I just wanted to have a friend desperately that’s why I clung to you, and I know at first you were annoyed. I was aware of that, but when you started opening your arms for me every morning without me saying I needed a hug, when you started patting my head when I did good in practice, when you started lying your head on my lap whenever you’re tired, when you started holding my hand when our trainers asks us to pair up with someone, and when you started showing me you cared, maybe that was when it also started. I started searching for you, my eyes only looking at you. I started doing a good job in practice to feel your hand patting my head affectionately. I started searching for your warm hugs every morning. I started getting addicted to the feeling of your hand in mine. I started memorizing your every move. I started paying very close attention to you. I started understanding you deeply. I started to be the Donghae I am now. And I am the Donghae now because I started falling for you HyukJae. And I fell really hard.”

 

I even imagined his expression after my speech; I imagined him having his jaws drop, or him crying, or him simply running away. I imagined every possible outcome, but in reality none of those imaginations came true.

 

What happened in real life was me confessing while I was crying, and we are not in an ocean park, we are at the roof top of some bar. I confessed while I just drank alcohol, and just calmed down. I confessed even if I knew it was not the right time. I confessed even if I knew he’s in love with someone else. But I can’t stop myself back then, I was so hurt, and bearing my feelings alone just became too much that I just have to let it out; and that’s exactly what I did.

 

And his reaction? I would have preferred him running away, you know; leaving me alone in that rooftop, leaving me crying. I would have wanted that instead. But no, again, that’s not what happened. In reality, he exploded. He laughed at me, shouted at me, accusing  me of a crime I never committed, and spat at me at how disgusting I was; I am disgusting because I love him, because I’m in love with my best friend who is a guy, I am disgusting. For a minute, I believed him, you know? I saw myself as a low human being who’s breaking every law, who is breaking God’s law. This is why God created Eve to be Adam’s wife, and not another Adam. I knew I was wrong, that I am a sinner, I accepted it all, and I am ready to suffer the consequences. That was why I was thankful that I became a SuJu-M member, so grateful that I won’t see him for a while.

 

But I did another mistake; I told my two friends of what I am, told them I was gay, and by doing that, I made them fall for me, especially Kyuhyun.

 

I am very much aware of Cho Kyuhyun’s feelings for me; who wouldn’t? Every single time, he’s with me, babying me, checking if I was alright. He hugs and kisses my cheek every chance he got and I almost warmed up to him, but when I think of being with Kyuhyun, HyukJae’s face came flashing in my brain, and I hated myself for that.

 

No matter how much I try, his name is still embedded in my heart. No matter how much I try to erase him in my thoughts, he just keeps crawling back in my brain, making it so hard to move on, making it almost and impossible attempt to forget. And no matter how much I wanted to love Kyuhyun back, I can’t, because I don’t like using anyone, especially him, just to forget what I feel. I won’t sink that low, and Kyu doesn’t deserve that; I don’t deserve him. But you know, if I was given the power to turn back time, I would like to fall for Kyuhyun instead of HyukJae. But I can’t do that.

 

Last night, I was reminiscing of how much I suffered for the past months; how much tears have I cried, how much sleepless night have I spent, how much I have felt so depressed. After remembering it I can’t help but feel pity for myself. I was seriously pathetic. I let my friendship with HyukJae almost crumble down because of disgusting feelings; I hurt other people because I can’t return their feelings; and I am suffering because of these feelings. What’s with me and feelings anyway? It seemed like I can’t really handle feelings well. And that was when I finally made my final decision. And this time, nothing will make me break it, and I can tell it’s about time after what I’ve been through, after what I put myself into.

 

Lee HyukJae, I give up.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

I watched as his happy expression was replaced with the obvious look of hurt, I felt his hands curling into fist and I can tell by his eyes that he’s about to cry. But you know what’s surprising? I actually didn’t feel anything.

 

I didn’t feel like wanting to take back my words, I did not regret uttering those words at all. I did not feel anything when his eyes looks like they were about to cry; I didn’t even thought of hugging him, of comforting him. I feel nothing but numbness; from his words and his touch. It didn’t register anything, I didn’t feel the fast beating of my heart, I didn’t feel my blood running in my cheeks and taint it with a slight pinkish color, I didn’t feel like accepting it, accepting him. I felt empty and I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a good or a bad thing. I don’t know anymore, but what I know is that I was not affected.

 

“Do—donghae,” Hyukjae spoke after a minute of staring into each other’s eyes.

“HyukJae, I am sorry. I can’t. Not anymore. I don’t know what happened,” I tried explaining, and surprisingly, I was calm, I was collected, and I was thinking rationally.

 

“W—what, what do you mean?” He asked again.

 

I gave him a slight smile, “Let me ask you, Hyuk. Why? Why now? Why now of all times?”

 

He wiped a tear that successfully escaped his eyes before answering me, “I was so stupid to realize it just now, Donghae. I was an idiot, a bastard. I didn’t notice it before but when you went away there’s something in me that started to stir. I---I started to realize I can’t live without you. I started to realize my feelings for you. I started to realize how much I love you,” he said, and I can feel the sincerity, but it did not affect me the way it should.

 

“Thank you. Thank you for letting me hear the words I’ve been dying to hear right from the start. Thanks for giving me that,” I started.

 

“Hae---”

 

“But I don’t anymore, HyukJae,” I said, staring back at him, his eyes starting to water again.

 

“You—you don’t? What?” He asked in a shaky voice. I raised my hand to caress his face, and his eyes immediately closed his eyes, leaning in to my touch, and I let my hand linger there, and wiping the tears that fell.

 

“I don’t feel that way anymore, HyukJae,” I whispered and his eyes darted open, panicked as he grabbed my hand with both of his.

 

“No, no. Donghae, please, don’t say that. Hae, I love you, I love you so much, please tell me you love me too,” he pleads, and his tears flowing completely and I felt drops of it on my hand. “D—Donghae, please don’t do this t me. I finally realized how important you are to me; I finally realized that I am in love with you. Please, don’t. Tell me you love me, Donghae. Please, I beg you,” his hand started shaking as he’s really crying, crying hard.

 

I watched as the ugly tears  continued to flow down his cheeks, I watched as he trembled, watched as he rambled the same thing over and over again; saying he loves me, that he wants to hear me say it too, that I shouldn’t do this to him. I quietly watched him, his shaking hands still covering mine. I didn’t say a word; I waited for him to calm down, to regain his thoughts. But he suddenly pushed me towards him, and I was engulfed in his embrace, his body frame still shaking slightly from crying, but not as hard as before. I let him hug me, and I wrapped my arms around his torso, and rubbed his back as an act to comfort him, and it worked. A few more minutes of staying in that position, his crying turned into hiccups, and then finally, it died down, but he doesn’t make a move of releasing me, so I started sitting straight up, but his arms tightened around me, making it hard to do what I wanted to do, I stayed in his arms, face in his chest where I can hear his erratic heart beat. We remained motionless until he spoke up.

 

“I’m sorry for breaking down like that,” he said in a hushed tone, and I smiled a bit since I can hear from his voice that he is embarrassed.

 

“It’s okay. I do it all the time, you’re no different,” I answered.

 

“You do? Who holds you when you cry, then?” He suddenly asked.

 

“Kyuhyun.”

 

“…”

 

“HyukJae?”

 

“Are you rejecting me because you fell for that brat?” He asked in a serious voice, and I felt his arms around me tightening more. I struggled to free myself from him, and when I successfully did, I looked at his puffy eyes.

 

“It’s not like that HyukJae,” I told him.

 

“Then what is it? Can you at least tell me? Is it because I rejected you before; because I called you disgusting? Is it because of that, Hae?” He said, and he is starting to cry again, so I shushed him with my lips. It worked. I felt him calming down, and after a few more seconds, I was pulling away, but his hands were suddenly at the back of my neck, pulling me towards him, making the kiss deeper. I don’t know what happened next but when I felt something brush against my lower lip, I pushed him away, and we’re both gasping for breath, momentarily forgetting to speak. When I was able to breathe normally, I faced him.

 

“Sorry, I did not mean to tempt you, I was just trying to calm you down,” I said, and he looked at me.

 

“Why the hell are you apologizing?! You kissed me! You kissed me because you wanted to, and I kissed you back because I wanted too! I know we both wanted that kiss Donghae, I know you liked it, because, hell, I liked it! Why are you apologizing for something we both liked?!” He started raising his voice.

 

“HyukJae, calm down,” I said.

 

“No! I won’t calm down! Heck, how can I be calm when you’re acting this way, Donghae?!”

 

“You really wanted to know why?!” I said, finally losing my patience as I stood up and looked at him, “I love you, Lee Hyuk Jae! That’s what you wanted to hear, right?! There! I said it! I’ve been loving you for too long! And as I continued loving you, I was hurting as well! I’ve been through a lot, Hyuk! It’s too much! I never felt something so strong, the way I felt for you! It ate me whole, Hyukjae! My love for you made me blind, making me oblivious of what’s really happening to me, that I am making myself fall deeper and deeper! So deep I believe I’ll drown! It hurts so much, you know, it hurts here!” I pounded at my chest, “It hurts so much I can’t take it! It hurts so much that I just decided to give up!” I ended my sentence and realized I was crying. HyukJae was staring at me with wide eyes, maybe processing what I just said, and my sudden outburst.

 

After taking a few calming breaths and wiping my tears away, I faced him again.

 

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long, HyukJae. Why did you just realize it now? Now that I already decided to give up on you? I just feel tired of everything. Please, understand. I am sorry,” I finished and exited the room, making my way into my own room, and lied at my bed facing the ceiling, good thing that Mochi’s not here.

 

I was expecting the tears to come.

 

But they never came.

 

____________________________________________________________

 

I'm upset. I hate it when people call me lazy.

 

It's not like I am lazing around not doing anything, because as a matter of fact, I am studying. Sorry if I am so sensitive with this, but I was clearly offended and maybe because I'm not feeling quite well.

 

I know you guys wanted to know what happens next, but please bear with me. I am trying my best to write these scenes the best that I can; I don't want to update it if I am not satisfied with it that is why it takes time, especially since I am at the drama parts. Sorry for that.

 

Well, never mind. Tsk.

 

Hope you enjoy this.

 

Comment and sub.

 

Lovelots.

 

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Comments

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Aidenlee_24 #1
Chapter 36: Thanks. I have a great read here. EunHae foreves! 💙
thepoppedcherry
#2
Chapter 23: No matter that this chapter was short, it was so eunhae and I loved it!
thepoppedcherry
#3
Chapter 20: Awwww theyre so sweet ㅠㅠㅠㅠ and their 'kids' ♡ but I'm curious about Kyu and Siwon's plan... Is it to make Hyukjae jealous? Haha (Hoping :D)
thepoppedcherry
#4
Chapter 15: That I love you was soooo sweet ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ But the 'I love you too, buddy' made my heart hurt a bit ㅠㅠㅠㅠ
thepoppedcherry
#5
Chapter 14: No, Hyukjae, you arent too late!!! ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ fighting!
ecargebeohp_10 #6
Chapter 18: i dont like kyuhae and sihae..:( i only want eunhae.. but hyuk here seems to be stupid.. he knows he have feelings for hae but he's denying.. aish! love is so complicated. fighting hae! :)
deaelv #7
Chapter 37: i love your story and i love kyuhae eunhae sihae and the others
13eliever__ #8
Chapter 36: You have beautiful plot. I cried at some chapters. Omg. This is very awesome. I love hyukjae's conversation with himself. And to be honest, I hate him at first. He made me cried every time hae cried.thank you for created beautiful story.
LongLiving
#9
Chapter 24: This chapter was cute!
yolohyuk
#10
Chapter 36: read this in one go and definitely love it! <3<3 omg at first i was so mad hyukjae called donghae disgusting and when he admitted he loves donghae, i nearly blown up bcs 'you called him disgusting, and now you love him huh?' and when donghae rejects hyukjae, i'm soooo happy! hahaha take that hyukjae! it's what you got after calling donghae with such a name 8DDDD lol but the ending is so great! <3 i love it~~

gotta read the sequel! thanks for sharing <3