I was on my way to Heechul’s apartment. He had called me earlier and said that we really needed to talk. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high but there was a possibility that he would propose to me tonight! I wanted to believe that so bad I mean what else could it be that he wanted to talk about so bad? Heechul and I had been together for about three years and everything was going really well between the two of us. I loved him so much; he was definitely the love of my life. We had just graduated and I felt that I wanted to start a life with him. I wanted to have a family with him. For me there was no one else than my amazing Heechul. I know people thought that he was arrogant and rude and that he had the biggest ego of all times, but the matter of fact was that he simply didn’t know how to act around people he didn’t know. He was only himself around his loved ones, then he was really sweet but of course he was still very, very confident and weird, but I loved that about him. He was my little overconfident weirdo!

I had reached his apartment now and pulled up my key and quickly opened the door, Heechul was standing in the hallway waiting for me smiling.

“Hey jagiya” I said and entered, his smile grew wider and he started to approach me

“Hi sweetie” he said and then he wrapped his strong arms around my waist and leant down his face till our lips were touching, then he started to kiss me passionately. It was something wrong with the kiss though but I couldn’t simply put my finger on it and I got the strangest feeling inside of me “Come” he said after he ended the kiss and then he led me to his bedroom, he sat himself down on the stool by the piano and dragged me down next to him. I was just about to say something but he saw that so he placed a soft kiss on my lips so that I would stay quiet. He always kissed me to keep me silent when he wanted to say or do something and as I am a person who talks a lot he got to do it very often. “Not a word” he said and then he started to play and sing “When days turn into nights” by the former English band Busted. It made me feel sick, was he trying to say something to me?

“Nobody's there when you get home
Your renting movies on your own
My photo's on your bedroom wall
You sit there waiting for my call

And I know
I leave you on your own
And I need you to be strong
when I'm walking away
And I
I hate to say goodbye
it gets harder everytime
what I feel
you feel inside
when the day turns into night

Another tired afternoon
Another dusty motel room
I hate the fact that you’re not here
but now I'm counting down the days till I get there

And I know
I leave you on your own
And I need you to be strong
when I'm walking away
And I
I hate to say goodbye
it gets harder everytime
what I feel
you feel inside
when the day turns into night

And I know
I leave you on your own
And I need you to be strong
when I'm walking away
And I
I hate to say goodbye
it gets harder everytime
what I feel
you feel inside
when the day turns into night”

“Heechul…” I started when he ended the song, but he just placed another kiss on my lips to shut me up

“I love you so damn much jagiya” he whispered and then he led me to his bed and laid me down on it before he disappeared for a short moment. When he came back he placed himself next to me and started to kiss me…

That night he loved me like he had never loved me before… It scared me to death because it felt like he made sure to have loved me one last time… God what am I thinking? I’m probably just overreacting! I have been feeling a bit odd lately, I was probably catching a cold or something and then it always made me a whole lot weirder than usual. Yeah that was probably it!

“You are so freaking beautiful jagiya” Heechul said all of a sudden when it was about 3 am and we were just lying in each other’s arms. He my cheek carefully before kissing me softly

“You too” I stated when he pulled away and he smiled at me causing my heart to skip a beat

“Jagiya, you know that I love you right? And that I would do anything for you?” he asked me and that feeling inside of me turned up again

“I do” I replied a bit unsure and he let go of me and sat up, I myself sat up and placed myself in front of him and crossed my legs. He took my tiny hands in his bigger ones and kissed them softly and then he lifts his head up and looked me straight in the eyes. The sight horrified me. His eyes were filled with tears. Heechul’s beautiful deep brown eyes were filled with tears! I had never seen him cry before, not once during our three years together and it truly killed me…

“It’s over” he whispered after a while almost in such a low voice so that you would only be able to hear it if you were sitting really close to him. But I had heard it as clearly as if he would have yelled it out. My brain went dead for a while but then I realized what he had just said

“WHAT!? Heechul what do you mean!?” I asked panicked, this couldn’t be happening

“I can’t be with you anymore” he started and I could feel my eyes get filled with tears “Jagiya, I’m sick” he continued and I looked at his pained face, it was just as hard for him as it was for me “And I’m not going to be selfish enough and keep you here with me. You are not gonna be stuck with s sick man your whole life. Sweetheart you are destined for so much more than that” he said but I cut him off

“For what Heechul!?” None of us have any idea of what I may be destined for! I don’t know anything but this one thing and that one thing is that I belong with you!” I yelled and the tears were really flooding now “And whatever you say I’m not going to leave your side!” I don’t care if you’re freakin sick! It’s not like you are going to die or something! So I am not going anywhere!” I continued upset and I felt my heart break into a million of pieces

“You’re not going to get to see me suffer! I won’t handle it! And I most likely can’t handle seeing you suffer because of me” Heechul said just as upset as me

“Then freakin shut up! Can’t you see that I’m suffering because of you now!?” I yelled angrily at him

“I can’t, I simply can’t! I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I was the one holding you down, keeping you from going after all of your dreams!”

“MY DREAM IS YOU HEECHUL!” I shouted desperately, he couldn’t do this to me, he just couldn’t!

“You think that now, but it kills me knowing that I will never be able to give you the things that I want to give you, the things that you deserve! And knowing that I won’t be able to love you completely. I can’t be with you with that knowledge! I simply can’t. I would do anything to avoid this but there’s no other solution to this that I see. I have to give you up” Heechul said weakly

“Do you really think that I will just agree on that!? Really!? I love you like I’ve never loved anyone else before so I’m not going anywhere!” I yelled but then he just rose and went to get something from his desk. When he came back he reached out his hand to me, lying in it was a sparkling pink diamond ring. Then he took it and grabbed my left hand and put the ring on my ring finger leaving me dumbstruck. What on earth was he doing?

“My promise to you that  you will be my only one as long as I shall live even though I can’t be with you” he said and I just stared at the ring

“You shouldn’t give it to me, you should save it in case you find someone else, someone that you actually want to have by your side” I said and I was crying more than ever by now

“No, it’s yours. I won’t find anyone else after you; for me it’s you or no one else” he said seriously

“Why are you doing this?” I questioned not understanding his motives behind his to me stupid actions

“Because I love you” he said simply

“If you freaking love me then we most likely wouldn’t be having this damn conversation!” I yelled upset

“No, that’s exactly why! I love you so much that I’m willing to give you up so that you won’t need to see me suffer and that you won’t suffer yourself and so that you can do whatever you like in your life!” he now yelled at me upset, this was our first real fight, after a little more than three years…

“I don’t want to do whatever I like without you! I wanna spend the rest of my bloody life with you! Can’t you grasp that!?” I yelled back desperately trying to make him understand that he couldn’t do this to me, to us

“Don’t you think that I want that too!? But now the situation is like it is! I simply can’t have you by my side no matter how much I love you!” he said and now the tears were flooding for him. It hurt so much to see him cry. He had never cried in front of me, he was always the one comforting me when I cried so it was new to me seeing tears flooding down his cheeks from his beautiful eyes

“So that’s what you want!? FINE HEECHUL! It’s over…” I said and I couldn’t believe my own ears. I had just said that it was over. Heechul looked at me as I rose but then he pulled me down to him and we shared what we thought was our last kiss. After that I rose and ran out of the apartment and out on the streets of New York. I looked at my watch, 5 am; I had to get home quickly. It took me about one hour to get home even though it only should’ve taken me fifteen minutes, but I kept stopping as my legs didn’t seem to want to take me forward. But I finally managed to get myself home and well inside of my apartment I broke down completely. It was over, Heechul and I was over. I didn’t care that he was sick, I wanted to take care of him for the rest of my life, but he didn’t want me to. I had just lost the love of my life. My eyes caught the sight of the ring that he had given me; I ripped it of my finger and threw it away. I regretted it straight ahead; it was a precious memory of Heechul.  So I started looking for the ring and I found it an hour later and put it into my jewellery box. I couldn’t lose that ring. Who knew, that might be my only memory of him after a while. 6.30 am I collapsed on my bed. I had been crying nonstop for about four hours if not five so I was really exhausted.

Heechul’s POV

Life ended quicker than I thought… Damn… DAMN!

She had reacted just as I thought that she would have done so I had tried to prepare myself but it didn’t help, it just hurt so much. And I hated the fact that she was so naïve! Usually I loved that about her but if she just would have realized that I was lying for her, that I was just not sick, that I was in the matter of fact dying, then nothing that I would have said would have made her leave my side. But she was that kind of person that believed in everything that everyone said to her. Other girls would have gotten suspicious over the things that I had told her and over the ring that I gave her. But not my sweet little girl. Damn.

I laid myself down on my bed and I felt how my whole life fell apart. I had lost her; I had lost the girl that I knew was the one, the girl that I wanted to marry one day. Now I was never going to get her back. It didn’t matter because I was going to lose her sooner or later but she could’ve been by my side till the end if I hadn’t broken up. But she’s so delicate and breakable, so sensitive. She would die herself if she knew that I was dying. She wouldn’t be able to handle it. So that’s why I broke up. I was hoping that by the time I died she had moved on so that it wouldn’t be so hard on her. So that she wouldn’t be too sad and broken. It was the right choice to do; it was for her own safety. I wanted her by my side till the end but I couldn’t simply be that selfish, I loved her too much to not think about what was the best for her.

My tears couldn’t stop as I laid there thinking about her and I just wanted to die then and there. I lay awake till it was morning. I couldn’t fall asleep as all of her words haunted me as the look in her eyes and her never stopping tears. I looked at the clock, 9 am; I walked out of the kitchen and caught the sigh of the knives. Well I was going to die anyways. This was the less painful way. I took the biggest knife and put the sharp blade against my wrist and pressed hard. I saw the blood pouring out of the deep cut that I had made. Soon I was going to be out of my pain.

“I’m so sorry Melissa, I love you.” I whispered and kept cutting myself and I felt how I got weaker and weaker

“HEECHUL!? OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?” a familiar voice yelled panicked as I fell to the floor “HEECHUL! !” the voice continued and I felt a pair of arms lifting me up, I managed to open my eyes and saw that it was Gabbi, Melissa’s and my best friend. She quickly took the knife away from me and threw it away and then she pulled up her phone and called an ambulance

“Don’t tell her, please don’t tell her, she can’t know about this” I managed to whisper before everything went black

When I woke up I felt my head pounding and my whole body was aching. I opened my eyes and saw that I was covered with bandages and all sorts of tubes and wires were connected to me. I realized quickly that I was at the hospital and that I had survived. Damn... I was supposed to die to make the suffering less. I turned to look to my left and there I saw Gabbi sleeping on the chair next to my bed but I didn’t see Melissa, had she heard me and not called her? I truly hoped so, she couldn’t know about this. I let out a big sigh and felt how my eyes got all misty

“Why did you do it?” a tired voice asked and I turned to see that it was Gabbi that had spoken, she looked at me with confusion and anger in her eyes. I was not only her best friend’s boyfriend; I was one of her closest friends too. “Heechul I was asking you a question!” she continued annoyed when I didn’t answer

“What can I say? I didn’t wanna live anymore after I broke up with her” I replied thinking that Melissa must have told her about the break up and that that was the reason why she had come to my apartment in the first place

“Then why did you break up?” she asked softly and went to sit beside me on the bed, she took my hand in hers and looked me in the eyes, her eyes told me that she was very sad and exhausted

“Because I have cancer, a bad cancer that is, it has spread to practically my whole body and I have less than a year left to live. I thought that if I broke up with her now she would have moved on by the time that I died” I replied and I saw how Gabbi’s face dropped, she blinked a couple of time and I even saw that she pinched her arms to see if she was dreaming or not, but her face twisted when she did that and with that she realized that she wasn’t dreaming, this was reality

“You have cancer? You’re dying?” she asked shocked and I nodded

“I’m sorry for not telling you this earlier” I responded her weakly and looked at her apologetically

“Don’t worry about it, what’s important is that I know now, but don’t you think it is for the best anyways that you also tell Melissa?” Gabbi questioned and I shook my head

“No, she can’t know, Gabbi you can’t tell her about this! I beg you, please, she can’t know that I’m dying, she has to move on” I pleaded and Gabbi n odded

“Okey, I don’t agree with you but it’s your choice, I won’t tell her”

“Thanks” 

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First chapter! Woho! :) I hoped you enjoyed this! Comment and subscribe? :) <3 I'm dying to hear what you all think!