o o 6 ;

I don’t quite know what to call it.

My friendship with Joonmyun was like playing tug-o-war.

I’d pull away from him, when I think he’s getting too close, but he would pull back even harder. I’d push instead, but that only made him even more determined.

By the end of our last year in middle school, I had already given up trying to make sense of things. I let him be, following me around like a lost puppy and giving me a hand whenever I needed one.

I wasn’t necessarily bad to him, since he wasn’t half-bad either. I did smile, laughed even – once or twice. Joonmyun probably caught the moment on his phone camera. Even if he didn’t, the memory would forever be etched on his mind.

“Please smile more, Chorong-ah,” he told me one day. “You look really pretty.”

I rolled my eyes at him.

“Really!” his hand flew up quickly. “I swear!”

Throughout the few years I spent in school with him, I seldom see him hanging out with the other kids. He would either be alone in the library during break time, or stuck with me when I allowed him to.

When asked why, he just mumbled, “Not my kind of clique.”

I had to admit, I was curious. There was more to Joonmyun, than just the cheerful, bubbly facade he puts on. I wanted to ask but I didn’t think I was in the position to do so.

One day, during our last few weeks of school, when we were hanging out at the park, he popped up a question which troubled me for days.

“Which high school are you going to, Chorong-ah?”

I shrugged. “You?”

He didn’t answer; instead, he picked up a nearby lying tree branch and played with it.

I nudged him. “Yah, I asked you.”

He finally lifted up his head and met my eyes. A slow, sad smile appeared on his face.

“Is it weird, if I say – I want to go wherever you’re going?”

I was startled. Taken aback by his outright question. Stumped. Shocked. Surprised.

All the words you can think of.

“It’s okay,” he said awhile later. “I didn’t expect you to answer anyway. I was just wondering.”

I turned away from him. I saw a couple of kids playing nearby us, running around in such a carefree manner. No thoughts of worry, no hints of sadness. When the toughest pain was bruised, skinned knees instead of broken hearts.

I miss those times.

I used to be like them too.

Playing, running, hiding and seeking with my best friend.

With Minhyuk.

Again, that sick feeling in my stomach.

I felt guilty, yet I didn’t do anything to mend my friendship with Minhyuk. What was I thinking?

I still wonder how he’s doing over there; if he’s fine, if he’s eating his meals well, if he’s missing me –

“Chorong,” Joonmyun’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

My head whipped back to face him. “Yeah?”

“If we don’t get into the same school, can you promise me something?”

My brows furrowed. “What is it?”

“Can you please, at least try to remember my name?” he asked me with a smile. The warm, gentle smile he always wears when he’s trying to appease me. “I know that I probably haven’t made that much impact in your life...but can you...can you please don’t forget me?”

“Joonmyun – “

I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. I know that I haven’t exactly been the best of friend to him, but I’ve grown comfortable to his presence.

I’ve gotten used to his constant whines.

I’ve gotten used to his random girlish giggles.

I’ve gotten used to his weird sense of humour.

I’ve gotten used to his lame jokes.

I’ve gotten used to his stuttering.

I’ve gotten used to his determined self.

I’ve gotten used to him not giving up on me, even when I deserved it so much.

I didn’t answer his question.

He didn’t force it out of me either. He walked me home that day, like usual. But unlike those other day, he was disturbingly quiet. He didn’t utter a single word, and I didn’t either.

It felt weird, not hearing him cracking his silly jokes.

I didn’t tell him this when we parted ways that day.

Without realising, he had actually left an impact in my life.

A deep one in fact.

I will miss him.

I will definitely miss Kim Joonmyun.

ღ