o o 3 ;

April 27, 2001

Dear Diary

It’s bad. It’s bad. Everything is bad now. Why? Why must this happen to me? Is it because I’ve been a naughty girl? Is it because I didn’t listen to my parents always? Is it my fault?

But why –

“Rong-ah,” he took the pencil out of my hand and yank the diary away. “Stop it. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Give it back to me!” I yelled and lunged forward for my diary, but he held it out of my reach. “Give it back Minhyuk!”

“Chorong, stop it. Listen to me,” he said in a soft voice, ignoring my hits of protests. “Talk to me Rong...talk to me, I’m always here for you.”

I shook my head vigorously and turned my back to him. “Go away,” I mumbled in between loud sobs. “Go away, leave me alone.”

“Please Chorong...don’t shut me out like this. You need me.”

“Go!”

2 days before

Eomma and appa were supposed to return from halmeoni’s house that afternoon. I wanted to tag along, but they told me to stay home as I had to study for my exams. I asked my school-mate, Yoon Bomi over to accompany me, since Minhyuk was busy with his own things.

Eomma promised me that she would buy for me my favourite dubokki on their way home.

I was really excited.

While I waited for them, I cleaned up the house a bit, hoping to fulfil the responsibility of the good daughter I am.  Bomi and I sang and danced to our hearts content. I was really happy, I didn’t know why.

I waited for my parents until I fell asleep on the couch.

I woke up a few hours later, to the sudden doorbell. On the other couch, Bomi stretched out her arms and stifled a yawn.

“Are you parents back already?” she asked sleepily.

“I don’t know,” I replied her tiredly as I got up from the seat and trudged over towards the door. I took a peek through the peephole and saw two police officers in uniform.

I frown.

I wasn’t supposed to open the doors for strangers, but police are supposed to be good people who help us right?

Slowly, I open it ajar, just enough for me to see their faces and communicate.

“Yes?” I tried to put on a brave voice.

“Miss? Can we talk to you for a moment?” one of them asked.

Sensing my hesitance, the shorter one of the two offered me a small smile.

“Don’t worry Miss. We are the good guys.”

I thought about it for a moment.

I then slid open the lock and opened the door wider. Bomi was standing behind me, holding onto my hand tightly.

“Miss,” the first officer spoke in a calm voice. “Is there any adult with you right now?”

I shook my head slowly.

“Okay. Miss, we’ll need you to come to the police station with us to verify some things.”

“W-what’s going on?” Bomi was the one who asked, because somehow, I had lost my voice. “Why does she need to go to the police station?”

“Miss, is there any relatives that you can call right now? Anyone that you trust?”

I had an aunt who lived a few blocks away from us.

“M-my aunt,” I answered in a dazed voice.

The next few minutes blurred past me. They asked me for the number, which I gave to them distractedly. Bomi gripped on to my hand the whole time, refusing to let go.

As they called my relative, I saw a shadow walking up the pathway and I broke free from Bomi.

I ran to him and threw my arms around him before he could even ask me anything.

Minhyuk my back tenderly as he whispered soothing words into my ear.

“What’s going on Rong-ah? Why are the police here?”

“I don’t know, they didn’t say anything yet.”

“Alright. Everything’s going to be okay. You will be fine...”

I believed him. Because he was my best friend.

But boy, was he wrong.

For the first time ever, Lee Minhyuk was wrong.

I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand fiercely. I stayed mum when everyone patted my back and tried to console me. I fixed my gaze solely on nothing in front of me just to ignore them all.

“Poor girl, having to lose both of her parents at such a young age...”

“She’s still a kid. I wonder how she’s going to cope...”

I hated it.

I hated all the sympathy they were giving me.

I hated being pitied on.

Minhyuk came by to sit with me after the ceremony ended.

We just sat in silence for about half-an-hour.

Finally, after he couldn’t take it anymore, he took my hand in his and said,

“It’s okay to cry Rong-ah. It’s okay to let it all out.”

I still kept my mouth shut.

“Chorong,” he sighed. “Talk to me, please?”

I didn’t.

Since I had no one else, my aunt decided to take me in and stay with her family. Na Eun, my younger cousin, welcomed me with open arms.

“Unnie,” she said, her eyes shining brightly when they came to pick me up that day. “From now onwards, we are going to be sisters. Sisters forever.”

She was still a kid. She didn’t understand a thing.

She didn’t understand that I was still hurting.

So, I forced out a smile and just nodded my head.

“Chorong, is there anything else that you want to bring along?” aunt asked me when they’ve loaded my belongings into the trunk. “Because we won’t be coming back here after this.”

I spoke, for the first time since the incident, “What do you mean?”

She exchanged looks with my uncle.

“We are moving away from here,” he answered after a moment. “I think we all need a fresh start, don’t you think so?”

I didn’t agree.

But what could I say?

As I was about to follow them to the car, I heard someone yelling out my name.

“Chorong! Chorong-ah! Wait!”

I stopped in my tracks. Turning to my cousin, I said, “Na Eun-yah, go ahead first. I’ll join you in the car in awhile.”

She just nodded and glanced back briefly.

“Oh, unnie is going to talk to her boyfriend.”

She gave me a quick wink and skipped over towards where her parents were waiting.

I waited until Minhyuk caught up to me.

“Rong...” he was all out of breath by the time he did. “...where are you going? Are you going to live with them now? At their house?”

“Yeah,” I replied in an aloof voice. “They are taking me away from here.”

“Where?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Minhyuk’s face fell, but I pretended not to have noticed it.

“Y-you will still write to me, right?”

I didn’t answer.

“At least...call me once in awhile?”

I didn’t even flinch.

“Chorong-ah,” his tone was desperate now. “You can’t do this to yourself. Don’t push people away...don’t push me away Rong.”

It’s not his fault,I tried to convince myself.

But everything has changed. Nothing’s the same anymore. I’ve changed. I’m not the same Park Chorong he’s known since he was in diapers.

I’m not the same girl who he calls Rong-Rong.

I’m not the same girl who he stood up for when no one else did.

I’m not the same girl who used to cry so easily over the trivial matters.

I’m not the same girl he taught how to cycle.

I’m not the same girl he gave cooking lessons too.

I’m not his chubby Rong-Rong, whose round cheeks he loves to pinch.

I’m not the same girl who will hit him every time she’s at the losing end.

I’m not the same girl who refuses to acknowledge that he’s actually a year older than me.

I’m not the same girl who will continuously argue with him until he lets me win.

I’m not the same girl anymore.

I walked away without another word. Not even when he called me back, not even when he vowed to find me again one day.

I walked away without even looking back for the last time.

When my world came crashing down, I didn’t only shun the world away.

I shut my best friend out too – I shut Lee Minhyuk out of my life completely.

ღ