Taecyeon took a chance and glanced towards the smaller male well across the room, his eyes crinkling into crescents as he smiled wide. The much taller male sighed as his smile evaporated at the sight of their contacted eyes, his head turning away quickly to pay attention to his friends. Taecyeon felt his spirit break once again at the sight of the boy’s turned head, the pain in his chest all too real. Was it fear that held him in place, never moving closer, but slowly drifting away? He shook his head and looked at his hands, palm open on his lap. His eyes squinted as he tried to decipher what was so frightening about his hands, his large hands that only wished to hold something close. He looked over the small bruises from working his fingers to the bone each night, the small lines of paper cuts and the noticeable slash across the side of his left hand. They may have been the ugliest hands in the universe, but Taecyeon didn’t understand what was wrong with them. Why could he never hold onto the things that he wanted to, to caress them with care and give them all the affection in the world. What was it about his hands that scared people away? Made them afraid? Taecyeon felt his eyebrows furrow on their own, and clasped his hands tightly, his fist looking menacing even in his own eyes. They were big and brute and could break if angered, hold on too tightly when frightened. In the flash of disgust that he saw, Taecyeon felt degrading thoughts penetrate his shallow defenses and break him just a little bit more.

“He’ll never want you. You’re too big and ugly, and he’s probably wishing you would just disappear.”

Before Taecyeon could feel his heart crack just a bit more, their teacher arrived and called the class to attention. He may have resembled a big, dumb jock, but Taecyeon was a good listener and he always tried his best. He took his notes diligently, trying to ignore his feelings and the urge to look over at the male that always ignored him. Taecyeon was well aware of the affection aimed at him from a large proportion of the female student body, and he is sure that there might be a cute girl waiting for him, but his heart knows no one else but Kim Junsu. His heart wants no one else but Kim Junsu and no matter how foolish his notions are, even to himself, he can’t stop the intangible, unstable feeling that erupts in his chest every time he thinks of the other boy. Maybe he was just blinded by love, he had thought of the prospects before, but he didn’t mind. Loving Kim Junsu gave Taecyeon something to feel, even if he beat himself up over it continuously. Before he could even sink fully into the lesson, class was ending, and his eyes were again on Junsu, watching his back as he leaned over to put away his things. Soon enough, his vision of the angel was blocked by his friends and he was forced to look about himself grudgingly. Taecyeon was more of an external feeler. He liked basing his feelings off of things around him, other problems, various situations, and tried not to think of himself whenever possible. It scared him sometimes the things he could think up whenever he thought of himself, his face, his body, his life. He was scared because he always ended with hating himself even more.

“Taec, come on. Everyone’s almost gone.” The voice was familiar, and with its familiarity came a sense of trust and companionship that Taecyeon needed to survive. The broad shouldered male looked up into the bright smile of his best friend, a Thai boy that went by the name Nichkhun, and felt a smile pool at his lips. Nichkhun had that affect on people, bringing out the best in everyone he came to know. He was a beautiful person, inside and out, and Taecyeon cherished him more then he would ever admit.

“Yeah, hold on.” He grabbed his things and followed his slightly shorter best friend out of the nearly empty classroom and into the filled halls. Taecyeon was well aware of the looks and glances he received, but he was already searching for Junsu to notice. Nichkhun shook his head at his friend’s antics, well aware of what Taecyeon was up to, but he just let it be. They moved in a comfortable atmosphere, exchanging words over random topics while they changed books from their lockers that were placed conveniently next to each other. Still, they stuck together like a polyatomic ion, all of their classes within the same walls, their seats barely apart from each other. Besides Nichkhun, Taecyeon realized he was never really that close with anyone else, so he felt thankful for their constant contact. Whenever he was alone, he felt lonely.

“Have you ever thought about talking to him Taec? I’m sure he’s not afraid of you as much as you assume,” Wooyoung, Nichkhun’s boyfriend of 2 years, asked with his soft voice. He had a young adorable face that Nichkhun always felt the need to touch or kiss, and his smile was like the creation of a sun. Taecyeon had warmed up to Wooyoung quite a bit, and liked the way Nichkhun became a heartsick puppy in his presence.

“There’s no point in hoping. He’s scare of me Woo. It’s too obvious not to see, and I’m not going to talk to him when I can watch perfectly from here.” Of course he wanted to talk to him, actually hold a conversation with the beautiful male. There was just one thing standing in his way. Fear. Taecyeon was more than afraid of talking to Junsu, he was terrified. Just the thought would make him clench in fear, his stomach dropping into a bottomless pit and disappearing among the depths. He isn’t stupid. Taecyeon knows Junsu is scared of him; he avoids him whenever they pass in the halls or make eye contact. He even refused to work with him before and Taecyeon had to choose another partner. Fear of true rejection holds Taecyeon back from possibilities. His fear keeps him grounded and sane. Fear is what Taecyeon holds onto.

“But don’t you want to? To listen to him tell you something funny or stupid, and even if it isn’t funny, you laugh because he looked so happy just telling you? Don’t you want that too Taecyeon? Don’t lie.” Okay, so maybe he did sort of wish for those things, but Taecyeon was a man of his word, and he was scared.

“You’ve been with Nichkhun too long.” Taecyeon turned away from the cuddling pair and looked up into the crystal clear sky. He preferred cloudy days to ones like this. The sun was just too bright for his tastes.

Chapter 1. :)