Siwon

Monday passed slowly as Siwon sat at his desk and ran his hands through what seemed like hundreds of transcripts; pages and pages of words formed from tiny bumps embossed on every page. Usually he found his job enjoyable. He loved being a book editor. It was a dream come true, but lately he felt like something was missing. He just didn’t know what, and as he continued to read through page after page of hopeful future novels, his thoughts drifted.

When Siwon moved out of his parent’s home and, despite the desire for him the stay home where it was safe for their “blind baby boy,” bought a place of his own, he made sure it was close to the library so he could spend his free time with his favorite people in the entire world; the people written specifically to keep him company when he felt alone, which was more often than he chose to admit. His parent’s had always been busy, important socialites who, for all intents and purposes, kept the city running smoothly. He had plenty of friends when he was a boy, but only friends forced into play dates so their parents could have a crack at the Choi’s wallets. None of them wanted a blind friend, and Siwon was smart enough to realize it. He saw much more than his parent’s could ever imagine.

***

“Mommy, he can’t even see me. How is I sposta play with him? He gots no video games or movies or nothing. Mommy he’s boring and weird.”

Siwon stood in the kitchen while Heechul’s mother patted her pretty son on the head.

“I know baby, but the Choi’s are very important people, so you play nice.” She said in response.

“BUT MOMMA!” he wailed as he collapsed onto the ground and pounded his little fists on the tiled floor.

“NO BUTS!” She yelled back as she opened the front door and left her son mid-tantrum in the Choi mansion foyer. “Be good” she threatened as she closed the door.

Siwon sighed and walked out into the room where the little drama queen was still screaming his little lungs out. He sat on the stairs and waited for the boy’s fake tears to stop with his head rested lazily in his hands.

When Heechul finally decided his mother was out of hearing distance he got up off the floor, smoothed out his hair and fixed his tie. He grabbed Siwon’s hand and dragged him up the stairs to his parent’s room.

“Today we’re going to play house. You are gonna be the daddy. Or the dog, I don’t really care. Just be somefing quiet.”

As the boy proceeded to open the closet and drape Siwon’s mother’s clothes on his tiny body and play with her makeup Siwon sat in silence and replied with a “mhmm” or “yes, you look pretty,” as Heechul directed.

Most of the time he would trace patterns in the carpet or imagine stories in his head while he listened to Heechul whine and talk to himself in the mirror. He never thought to say something to his parents about how boring it was to play with him, or any of the other kids that were forced into being there for that matter. They were so happy that he had friends, and Siwon didn’t want to disappoint them. Besides, his various ‘friends’ were usually only there for a few hours at the most and sometimes he had fun with them.

After his play dates were happily picked up from the Choi mansion he would run to his father’s extensive library and sit on his favorite couch, in his favorite corner, with his real friends; Tom Sawyer, King Arthur, Harry Potter, and on occasion, even Elizabeth Bennet (though there were strict rules about girls and cooties). He would laugh and cry with them and when the day was over he curled up in his bed with them close by his side.

As he got older, he gained more and more friends, and he soon had to leave home to find new ones. After he had read every Braille book at home his father took him to get a library card. There were shelves and shelves of friends waiting to be discovered. Siwon was sure that day that there would never be anything more wonderful than the library. So as he grew, he continued to read and although he soon gained real, flesh-and-bone friends, he would always end up back in his favorite couch, in his favorite corner, with his favorite friends. They were dependable, and they were always there for him.

They were there when he broke his leg falling off a horse when he was eight years old; they were there when his first love crushed his heart at the sixth grade girl-boy dance; and they were there when his mother suddenly passed away.

It was the day before his fifteenth birthday and he was arguing with his parents about them throwing him a surprise party when his mother collapsed.

“Get the phone Siwon” his father demanded with panic as she hit the ground.

He ran for the phone stumbling through the familiar house as fear took over his body. When he returned his father called out to him and Siwon sprinted straight to his voice.

“What’s happening? Is she okay? What’s going on?” he screamed as his father called an ambulance.

He kneeled on the ground and felt around for his mother. She reached out and the back of his hand as tears streaked down his cheeks.

“It’s going to be okay” he told her over and over again as he held onto her hand with both of his.

She smiled and looked into her son’s eyes though he couldn’t look back into hers. “I know it’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay. I love you Siwon.”

Helplessness filled him as his mother was placed into the back of the ambulance and driven to the hospital. He sat in the dark, literally and figuratively, as his father talked to the doctor in the waiting room. The only words he made out were “I’m sorry...” He didn’t hear anything after that until a loud cry woke him from his sleep that night. He realized the sound had come from his own mouth and he sat up sobbing when he remembered that his mother was gone. He ran to the library and pulled down book after book trying to find comfort in the words he’d read hundreds of time before. When the sun came up his father found him asleep in a corner of the library surrounded by open books. He carried his son back to bed and wiped his own tears after pulling the covers over Siwon’s tired body. If only the friends from his books could have talked back to him and held him as he cried late into the night.

***

Siwon pushed the papers to the side of his desk to avoid tears ruining the clean pages. It wasn’t often that he dwelt on the past, but every once in a while, usually when his fingers felt their way through a beautiful story, Siwon couldn’t help but think of his mother. She was young and she was healthy, except for the small tumor hidden near the base of her brain. His parents had known about the tumor since before Siwon was born. They loved Siwon and had decided not to tell him and to just try to give him the best life possible; one without worries.

He wiped the tears from his eyes and smiled.

“I love you mom,” he thought out loud as he looked towards heaven. “I have a date tomorrow.” He said still looking up at the ceiling.

It was a habit of his to talk to his mother when there was a lot on his mind.

“It’s going to be miserable,” he continued. “Good thing for her that you taught me how to treat a lady.”

Siwon chuckled as he got ready to return home for the day. He knew his mother wouldn’t want to see him sad so he shifted his thoughts to Jessica and their date the next day.

He was thinking about his what he should wear on their date as he left the office. He was thinking about what Jessica might have planned for the night as he stepped off the bus in front of his building. He was thinking that there might be a chance that it could go well as he walked through the front door and removed his coat. And he was thinking about possible date scenarios ranging from delightful to disturbing as he brushed his teeth and changed his clothes.

But, by the time his head hit the pillow he wasn’t thinking about the date or Jessica at all. He was thinking about the same thing he had thought about every night for the last week. He was thinking about the tingling sensation he felt when he was holding Kyuhyun’s hand. He was thinking about the way the younger boy yelled at him and made him laugh with his harsh personality. He was thinking about the way the boy stuttered when Siwon touched him. As he closed his eyes he smiled and fell asleep thinking what it would be like to be able to see Kyu’s face.

“I bet he’s beautiful, isn’t he mom?” he whispered slipping into unconsciousness. “Beautiful.”