Siwon

He lay in bed the whole night tossing and turning. His mind was spinning and he couldn’t stop thinking about the last few weeks of his life. Everything had changed in such a short time. He’d met the man of his dreams (shocking emphasis on man), and realized he was gay. The thought that he was gay didn’t bother him because he was particularly against being gay, it was mostly just the fact that he didn’t know he was gay. It’s not like finding out one of your socks doesn’t match the other; your uality doesn’t match your supposed identity.

After thinking about that for a few hours his mind drifted to Jessica. He felt guilty… Very guilty. She didn’t know he was gay, of course neither did he until pretty much the night before, but that wasn’t her fault. He made up his mind to call her first thing in the morning, well first thing in the normal morning, and then he pushed the thoughts of her to the back of her mind. It was only 4 in the morning at that point and he had the day off. He was planning on sleeping in, though that didn’t seem very likely at that point. Oh well, he thought as he sat up in bed. He pushed the covers off his body and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

The balls of his feet touched the floor and he immediately pulled his legs back under the covers. It was freezing. After a deep breath, in one swift move he pulled the covers back off and jumped out of the bed. He ran to the bathroom hoping to avoid anything in his way, pulled off his boxers and jumped into the shower. As hot steam surrounded his cold body he started thinking about Kyuhyun again.  It seemed like the younger boy was all he had thought about for days, not that he minded all that much.

A smile found its way onto his face as he remember carrying Kyuhyun in his arms and the way the boy’s grip tightened around Siwon’s neck each time he tried to let go of the him. He sighed contented as the warm water massaged his muscles tightened from a sleepless night. He remembered Kyuhyun’s smell and the feel of his soft hair, and he tried to imagine what the younger boy looked like.

Trying to picture someone in his head was something Siwon always tried to avoid. It was dangerous to do because it almost always led to him feeling sorry for himself, and the one thing he tried hard his whole life not to do was precisely that. On occasion though, it couldn’t be helped. And that morning, it definitely couldn’t be help.

He knew Kyuhyun was beautiful. It wasn’t possible that he could be anything less than beautiful. His voice was low and silky smooth. He was tall, only a little bit shorter than Siwon was. He was thin and decently fit. Lean muscles; strong but soft at the same time; his skin was and smooth and warm. He smelled like a mixture of fruit, soap, and well, man. Siwon turned the faucet towards cold when he realized he was starting to get a little too warm, and not just from the hot water. Apparently Kyuhyun was just his type.

After a few seconds of shivering in the freezing cold water, he regained control of his body and decided to get out of the shower before he froze to death. He laughed as he wrapped a towel around his lower body. Well this is new, he thought to himself as he walked out into his bedroom. I’m gay, I’m by man smell, and I think I might be in love.

He sighed and laid back down on his bed, He ran his fingers through his wet hair and his smile slowly turned downwards. The inevitable feelings of self-pity that always followed trying to imagine what the rest of the world could see struck him hard. He doubted the younger boy would ever let him touch him again, and as cliché as it seemed, touching someone’s face was as close as a blind guy could get to seeing it. It wasn’t just the movies. He’d memorized his mother’s face and he could still see her that way. He wished it could be the same with Kyuhyun. Well what he really wished was that he could see Kyuhyun, just once, but Siwon figured the impossible wasn’t worth spending too much thought and effort on.

He roughly shook his head and sat up again. He changed into a clean set of clothes and walked to the kitchen, ate a quick breakfast, and started working on all of the stuff he had gotten behind on because of the constant distraction of the perfection that is Kyuhyun. Luckily his work was interesting enough that quite a few hours passed before his mind trailed off again.

He tried to concentrate, but to no avail, and he finally decided that he had to talk to Kyuhyun or he would never be able to work properly again. It was 9, so the library would be open at that point. He couldn’t help but hope the younger boy would be there, despite the fact that if Siwon had anything to do with it, Kyuhyun would still be in bed recuperating from last night. He seemed too stubborn for that though and it made Siwon feel hopeful, and a bit guilty. Besides, he figured that maybe he should talk to Jessica in person. This way he could ‘kill two birds with one stone.’ A horrible saying in Siwon’s opinion. Why kill birds at all?

He hopped on the bus as soon as he’d finished breakfast, had a quick chat with the bus driver per usual, and hopped off near the library. He walked up the 33 stairs while counting them aloud and trying to keep his heart beat steady. His hands were sweaty and for a minute he stood at the entrance to the library and considered turning back around and heading home. He was nervous and he didn’t like it. The nerves were mostly at the thought of being around Kyuhyun, but ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’ Now that was a saying that made perfect sense.

He nervously opened the door and walked in to the reception area. He stood tapping his foot nervously for a moment. He wasn’t quite sure what to do. Normally he’d head towards the Braille section of the library, but he wasn’t there to read. And because it wasn’t the normal time he came to the library, Jess wasn’t expecting him. Besides, he assumed that Kyuhyun wouldn’t say anything if he saw him anyways. He breathed out a heavy sigh and started walking towards the entrance after giving up when he heard a familiar greeting.

“Oppa?” Jessica called out, Siwon realized a little less enthusiastically than usual.

She walked over to him and gave him a quick hug.

“What are you doing here? No work today?” She asked.

“Yeah, I have the day off so I thought I would drop by my favorite place in the world.”

He smiled towards her trying to charm some forgiveness out of her. He felt like a jerk, but it was worth a try. It seemed to have an effect too. She softly touched his arm and smiled up at him.

“How is Kyu doing? Did he get home alright?” she asked

“Yes, he got home fine. I’m not sure if he’s doing any better though,” he replied feeling guilty again. “I was actually wondering if he’s here today.”

“Oh,” she said sounding extremely disappointed. “Well, Ara called earlier and told me he wasn’t coming in today.”

His stomach dropped and before he spared her feelings any thought he started to blurt out questions about the call.

“Is he alright? Did she say anything besides him not coming in? Is he sick, do you think? What did she…”

He heard a soft, annoyed sound and he stopped himself mid-question.

“Um, he just seemed really sick last night and, anyways… I also came to talk to you for a bit.”

“Oh?” She mused, pleasantly surprised at the thought of him coming to the library to see him.

“Yes, well, I really wanted to, no, needed to say sorry for last night. It would seem that I’m a horrible date. I acted ungentlemanly and I apologize. You deserve better than that.” He smiled and grabbed her hand from his arm.

“Oh Siwon, it’s alright. You were just being a good friend. Maybe you’ll just have to make it up to me with another date” she hinted not-so-subtly as she moved closer to Siwon.

“Jess,” he started, and she must have sense the tone in his voice because she dropped his hand and backed off a bit.

“You’re great, really you are. It’s just that…”              

“Is it Ara?” She interrupted

“What?” he asked genuinely confused.

“Ara” she stated as if repeating the name would explain everything.

His face contorted into a confused expression and she continued, sounding a bit angry.

“Ara. I introduced you to Ara and now you’ve fallen madly in love with her. This always happens to me. She’s just too perfect. God! I need new friends. I mean really, this is the third guy this year, and you’re not even going off her looks which are ridiculous, um, no offense…”

“Jess?” He tried to get her attention quietly. Jessica’s voice sounded distant and it was clear that she was no longer talking directly to him anymore.

“I should have never introduced you. It was bad enough that Kyu was always in the way at work and now my best friend… MY BEST FRIEND, UGH!”

“JESS” he practically screamed to grab her attention.

She blushed and hid her face even though Siwon couldn’t see how flustered she was.

“Sorry” she squeaked.

“It’s not Ara,” he said quickly, “it’s…” He paused for a moment trying to decide whether he should be honest or not. From her reaction to the thought of him being in love with her best friend, whom she actually liked, he figured it wasn’t such a good idea seeing as her relationship with Kyuhyun wasn’t so amicable. “It’s not Ara.”

She sighed and stared up at Siwon’s gorgeous face. “But there is someone else?” She questioned. “I mean, I can’t persuade you otherwise? I’m an amazing kisser” she said, only half joking.

He smiled and let out a quiet laugh.

“See?” he said with his smile still set, “you’re great. I’m sorry Jess.”

She sighed again. Siwon could hear acceptance in the sigh and he was surprised when she grabbed his hand and squeezed it softly.

“If she breaks your heart, I’ll kill her" she whispered almost a little too seriously.

Siwon gulped and ran his hands through his hair.

“That’s not likely,” he chuckled nervously.

He decided not to add that it wasn’t likely for her to break his heart because she wasn’t a she at all. Kyuhyun on the other hand, was quite likely to break it.

“Well, I’ve got customers at the front desk so I’ll have to talk to you later” she said in her usual peppy voice. "If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” She winked and then shook her head at her own stupidity and laughed.

Siwon raised his eyebrows questioning the laugh, but she just patted his arm and walked away. At least she doesn’t seem too upset, he thought gladly.

“Wait Jess, what time is it? He shouted.

“Almost 10” she replied.

He walked quickly out of the library and took a seat at the nearest bus stop. The sun was shining and he closed his eyes and tilted his head back to soak in the warmth. If he could see, he knew there would be blue skies and birds circling around the vast expanse of clear air. He could hear children laughing at the nearby elementary and he breathed in the smells of freshly mowed grass from the nearby park.

He grasped his cane and decided to spend the rest of the morning walking home. He practically skipped on his way. He was happy that things worked out with Jessica and that he’d been able to keep her friendship. He laughed at the thought of her killing Kyuhyun for breaking his heart, though she was probably capable of it, but he wasn’t worried. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt his Kyu. Even if his heart was broken in the end.

As he arrived outside his building his phone rang. The familiar mechanical voice said “unknown number” and Siwon hesitated for a moment before answering; nobody likes solicitors, but he figured he might as well answer and he brought the phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

There was no answer so he tried again.

“Hello?”

The person on the other line hung up abruptly before answering him back. “Figures,” he thought out loud, but curiosity got the better of him and he decided to call back. The phone rang a few times before a familiar voice answered.

“Hello, this is Kyuhyun’s phone; may I ask whose calling?” 

Siwon recognized Ara’s voice within seconds and he smiled widely to himself.

“Ara! It’s Siwon, I just got a call from this phone. Your brother must have called… Right?” He added nervously. She had promised to tell him to call.

“Oh, Siwonnie! How are you?” She sounded surprised and Siwon smiled even wider, hearing her new nickname for him again.

“I’m doing well, how are you?”

“Oh I’m just great. It’s a gorgeous day. If you haven’t been outside yet, you should definitely go out for a bit.”

“I’m out right now” he replied with a laugh. “Hey listen. Is Kyu… Kyuhyun… How is he? Is he doing alright?"

“Kyuhyun? Yeah, he’s doing well.” She sounded sincere and relief swept over him. “Just a minute, let me get him,” she continued and suddenly the relief was gone. He was left with a giant punch of nervousness to the stomach, and he suddenly found it more than a little difficult to breathe.

“Kyu?” he heard her yell on the other line and he gulped uncomfortable.

“He…hello?” Kyuhyun quietly answered when Ara had given him the phone. Siwon’s heart jumped into his throat and he had to mentally control the speed of his reply.

“Kyu, it’s good to hear your voice, how are you doing? Are you feeling better?” he asked. His reply was still a little too fast to be normal, and he just had to hope that Kyuhyun wouldn’t notice.

 “It’s Kyuhyun,” the younger boy corrected mockingly for what felt like the hundredth time. He was really starting to like their playful banter and he laughed, though he was a little worried that he was actually making the younger boy angry by calling him Kyu.

“I’m doing well” Kyuhyun replied, and almost too quietly for Siwon to hear he added “thanks to you.” Siwon’s face flushed. He reached his hand to his face and took in the familiar warmth of the blush that talking to Kyuhyun always brought to his cheeks.

“I’m really sorry about everything. I wish you hadn’t seen me like that,” the younger boy said softly when Siwon had stopped laughing.

“Hey, you don’t have to be sorry, really.” Siwon replied. He just wanted to be there for the Kyuhyun. He was more than happy to be there. “I’m just glad to know that you’re alright. I was… I was really worried about you. I mean, you know, you scared me last night.” He bit his lip and mentally reprimanded himself for sounding so awkward.

When the younger boy didn’t respond, he began to get nervous so he started to talk again.  “You’re sure you’re alright?” He asked worriedly. “Maybe I could swing by sometime, you know, just to check up on you.”

“What are you, my mother?” Kyuhyun sarcastically replied.

Siwon sighed with relief. Sarcasm was a good sign.

“No, I guess not. Just a worried… friend.” The word friend didn’t quite express his feelings for the younger boy, but it would have to do for the time being. “How about I swing by some time to hang out then, since I clearly don’t need to check up on you.” He said trying to sound just as sarcastic as Kyuhyun had been, and he tried to sound brave too. He realized just a little too late that he had pretty much just asked the younger boy out on a date.

Kyuhyun laughed, but didn’t say anything else, and before the younger boy could think anything about what Siwon had said, he blurted out that Kyuhyun could bring Ara and his other friends along if it would make him more comfortable. He regretted it the second he said it. Oh well, he thought, too late now.

 Thankfully Kyuhyun agreed, though he didn’t sound too excited about it. Siwon figured it was okay though. He was excited enough for the both of them. Kyuhyun said he would ask Ara what she was up to and Siwon couldn’t help but do a little happy dance outside his place.

“That would be great. Let me know what she says” he said finishing his dance.

“I will” the younger boy replied.

“Well hey, so I have to get back to work” Siwon lied. He was worried if he stayed on the phone any longer he might confess an undying love for the boy and ruin, well, everything.

“Oh okay, sorry I’ll let you go” Kyuhyun said quickly.

Siwon laughed quietly. Kyuhyun could be so snarky and then the next second he was unconsciously sweet. It was one of the things Siwon was so attracted to.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” He said consciously straddling the line between awkward and friendly. “I’ll see you soon.”

He put the phone back into his pocket and walked into his apartment. He started jumping up and down pumping his fists in the air. He lived alone and he was going to take advantage of it. It had been a long time since he was so excited about something. He decided to do some work with the rest of his day until Kyuhyun called back. At least that way he wouldn’t technically have lied to Kyuhyun.

He smiled as he worked his way through some paperwork when his phone rang.

“Hello?” He answered before the phone had a chance to ring a second time. Oops, he thought to himself; maybe that was a bit too eager.

“Hi, um, this is Kyuhyun… again.” The younger boy answered.

“Oh hey Kyu, so what’s the plan?” he asked trying to hold some of the obvious excitement back.

“Kyuhyun,” he replied, “and Ara says she’s free this weekend. Would you want to come over to our place? Friday at 6. We’re planning a barbeque if that sounds good with you…”

“That sounds perfect. Should I bring anything?”

“If you want. Ara kind of at cooking, so maybe you could bring a back up meal.”

Kyuhyun’s playful tone made Siwon smile.

“Hey, I do not at cooking” he heard Ara yell angrily, he guessed playful anger, in the background. He laughed and Kyuhyun joined in with a sweet chuckle.

“Sorry” he said still laughing. “You can bring anything you’d like. I’ll see you then?”

"Yes. I can’t wait” Siwon said before hanging up.

For the third time that day Siwon got up and did a happy dance through his office before tripping over his chair. He lay on the floor for a while laughing before he sat up and got back to his work. It was a good day.