Winter’s POV 1

 

Being a Mendoza has its own share of advantages and disadvantages. 

 

Pag Mendoza ka, mataas na agad ang tingin sayo ng tao. 

 

Syempre kapag mataas ang tingin sayo ng tao, kailangan mo i-maintain yung expectations nila sayo or masisira ang pangalan mo.

 

Pag sinabi mong you’re a Mendoza, the Mendoza Family of lawyers, para ka nang diyos kung tratuhin.

 

Halos sambahin ka na nila dahil pangalan pa lang namin, malaki na ang impact sa society.

 

Sa great grandfather ko pa nagsimula to and na-maintain na hanggang ngayon.

 

Everyone wants to be on the good side sa family namin. 

 

We’re that powerful. 

 

Pero gaya nga ng sabi ko, may mga disadvantage pa rin. 

 

Syempre, bago magbigay ng expectations ang ibang tao sayo, unang magbibigay ng expectations ay ang family mo.

 

Nabuhay ka para maging angat sa lahat. 

 

Nabuhay ka para maging isang magaling na Lawyer, wala nang ibang field para sayo. 

 

Some of my brave titas and titos have tried choosing their own field pero ang kabayaran, hindi na sila part ng family.

 

Ganun sila ka-strict, ayaw kasi nilang matapos ang family tradition which is maging number 1 law firm and top lawyers sa buong bansa.

 

I’m no excemption to that. 

 

Ako ang panganay na anak. 

 

Ako pa rin ang first born kahit na hindi ako ang paborito. 

 

Pinanganak ako para maging isang abogado, wala nang iba pa.

 

Si Daddy, ganun din ang dinanas nya.

 

He wanted to be a pilot but since sya ang pinakamatalino sa kanilang magkakapatid, hindi sya hinayaang mawala ng parents nya and pushed him to be a lawyer.

 

Even if it’s against his  will, Dad still managed to be the top lawyer of this country along with my Mom.

 

If I were to describe my parents, I would say na hindi naman sila iba sa mga normal na magulang.

 

If hindi mo titignan yung katayuan nila sa society, they are very much normal.

 

Si Daddy, obviously super talino and very gwapo pa.

 

He doesn’t speak that much but when he did, it would either hurt you so bad or make you happy.

 

I think Daddy is the quiet type but very affectionate in his own way.

 

Sadyang kay Yuna lang napupunta lahat kaya hindi ko sya maramdaman.

 

Si Mommy naman, she’s a serious type too. Self made kasi sya at alam nya yung hirap ng pagiging kapos palad. Mommy’s a hard worker and very intimidating talaga, just imagine the tension when she’s in court. Ako mismo aalis at susuko nalang!

 

Mommy raised herself papunta sa taas without the help of anyone, sya lang talaga. Kaya I admire her so much. Dagdag mo pa na she grew up in a harsh environment.

 

She will always be my role model kahit na anong mangyari.

 

Both of my parents have their own share of hardships sa life but surprisingly, they found each other.

 

Both are the serious type but somehow they made their relationship possible.

 

Ang alam ko pinaglaban talaga ni Daddy si Mommy sa parents nya dahil against nga.

 

Mommy came from a poor family pa rin kahit na she topped the board exams kaya hirap sya tanggapin nila Lola.

 

But my Mom proved herself sa biggest and most powerful family of lawyers and became the best lawyer in the Philippines, successfully winning my grandparent’s approval.

 

7 years atang naging sila before they married each other.

 

2 years later, they had me na.

 

Kailan ko ba huling naramdaman ang pagmamahal ng mga magulang ko?

 

Siguro nung wala pa akong muwang sa mundo. 

 

Base na rin kasi sa mga baby pics ko noon. 

 

Halatang mahal na mahal ako ng mga magulang ko at sobrang saya nila dahil ipinanganak ako. 

 

Nakakapanibago nga kasi both of them are serious as heck but dun sa pictures, kitang kita ko yung saya and excitement nila.

 

How I wish hindi nalang ako tumanda nun.

 

I want that back, and I will try my very best to get that back.

 

I have like 5 albums nung bata ako, at ako lang yung laman nun.

 

Parang bawat yugto ng buhay ko, naka-document.

 

First born ako kaya nabuhos agad sakin yung pagmamahal nila.

 

Excited yung parents ko dito, even my grandparents.

 

Kung ico-compare mo ngayon, hindi mo aakalaing sila rin yung nasa pictures.

 

Kalian ba nag-iba yung pakikitungo nila sakin?

 

Sa pagkakatanda ko, nung 3 years old ata ako nun.

 

3 years old dapat nasa nursery ka na.

 

Since ipapasok ka na sa school, dapat diretso ka na magsalita, malinaw at may sense. 

 

Dapat marunong ka na magbilang up to 100 and do simple math.

 

Dapat marunong ka na rin magbasa kasi how will you be the best kung ang mga simpleng bagay na yun ay hindi mo magawa?

 

Pagkatungtong ko ng 3 years old, hindi nila nakuha ang development na ine-expect nila sakin.

 

I’m still baby talking, hindi coherent yung words ko at hindi ako mabilis makaintindi.

 

I can count but nalilito pa.

 

Simple math is so ing hard na sakin, subtraction is my weakness kahit small numbers lang.

 

And I can’t ing read.

 

Parang may sariling mundo pa rin ako back then.

 

Si Tita nagkwento nito sakin by the way, because she’s staying sa bahay namin back then kaya na-witness nya yung development ko.

 

Sobrang disappointed sakin sila Mommy dahil ako daw yung kauna-unahang Mendoza na ganito kabagal mag develop.

 

At the age of 3, isa na agad akong disappointment sa pamilya na ‘to. 

 

Mga pinsan ko, at this age magagaling na agad.

 

Ako lang talaga yung naiba.

 

Mas masakit pa kasi mas mataas expectations ng pamilya sakin because I’m Taeyoung Mendoza’s daughter, ang pinakamagaling sa kanilang magkakapatid.

 

Nalungkot ako kasi because of my stupid and underdeveloped mind, nasisira si Daddy and ginagamit pa to ng siblings nya bilang insult kay Dad.

 

I could still remember my Lolo’s words nung nalaman nya yung situation ko.

 

 

“Mendoza ba talaga si Winter? Bakit hindi sya magaling? Such a disappointment. Kung bata pa lang hindi na nakikitaan si Winter ng galing, what more pag lumaki na sya? I can’t believe this is your daughter, Taeyoung. Bakit wala lang man syang namana sayo or kahit kay Eugene?”

 

 

Nung narinig ko yun, hindi ko pa naintindihan gaano but as I grew older, dun ko na nalaman yung meaning nun.

 

At sobrang sakit nun para sakin.

 

Kasi kung babalikan ko yung pictures ko dun sa photo album, kitang kita na mahal na mahal ako ni Lolo.

 

Bakit porket hindi ako kasing galing ng inexpect nila, kaya na nila akong isantabi na parang hindi ako parte ng pamilya na ‘to?

 

What’s with their obsession ba sa pagiging superior? Hindi ko maintindihan.

 

Buti nalang meron akong isang kapatid.

 

Si Yuna.

 

Mas bata lang sya sakin ng isang taon at siguro hindi pa nga ako marunong maglakad, andyan na sya. 

 

1 year lang naman yung pagitan namin.

 

Kinuha nga ata ni Yuna lahat nung talino ng parents namin dahil 2 years old pa lang, sobrang galing nya na. 

 

She can talk straight and clear. Marunong na sya agad magbilang and magbasa, she’s very cheerful pa kaya mas malapit sya sa oldies.

 

Who doesn’t want a bubbly and adorable kid, diba?

 

Unlike me na dull and emotionless na ata simula bata kaya dagdag reasons why they don’t like me that much.

 

Because of our painfully obvious difference, naramdaman ko at nakita ko harap harapan kung paano nila ako naisantabi. 

 

Binigay nila lahat ng atensyon at pagmamahal kay Yuna, leaving me with nothing but sadness and loneliness. 

 

No, wala akong galit kay Yuna. 

 

Wala rin akong galit sa parents ko dahil hindi ko sila masisisi.

 

Kapatid ko pa rin si Yuna at never akong magagalit sa mga bagay na hindi nya naman kontrolado. 

 

Hindi nya kasalanan na sya yung mas magaling samin.

 

Mas lalong hindi nya kasalanan na bobo yung Ate nya.

 

Pero magsisinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi ako nainggit sa kanya kahit isang beses. 

 

Kasi if only nakuha ko yung pagiging bright nya, yung bilis ng development nya, and yung talino nya edi baka mahal din ako ng mga magulang ko. 

 

But I’ve got none of it. 

 

Angat sya lahat sakin with an overwhelming gap. 

 

As her older sister, I’m proud of her sobra.

 

Kaso there are times when I can’t help but wish na sana kahit konti may nakuha ako. 

 

Kahit konti may naitira sakin.

 

Anak din naman ako nila Mommy at Daddy ah? Bakit ganito ako?

 

Bakit ako lang yung naiiba saming magkapatid at saming magpipinsan?

 

Hindi naman ako ampon, so bakit?

 

Nung una, akala ko yun lang yung pagiging ‘bobo’ ko lang yung magiging problem kaya I always try my hardest bata pa lang. 

 

I studied a lot.

 

The , I’m only 3-4  years old nun pero I’m studying like crazy na agad. 

 

Hindi mga laruan ang hawak ko kundi libro, educational books to be exact.

 

Inggit na inggit ako sa mga batang hinahayaang mag explore ng parents nila and hindi sila binibigyan ng unnecessary pressure. 

 

How I wish I could get to live a normal life like that.

 

Kaso I’m a Mendoza and kahit hindi pa ako pinapanganak, ito na ang responsibilidad ko.

 

I did my 101% best but Yuna is just too good. 

 

Never ko sya nahigitan sa kahit na saan kaya hindi na ako napapansin ng magulang ko.

 

Nakalimutan na nila ang existence ng panganay nilang anak na si Winter.

 

Akala ko yun lang ang magiging kalbaryo ko, but as I grew up, napapansin ni Mommy yung pag-iiba ng physical appearance ko.

 

I’m starting to look like the people from her family daw, specifically her Mom. 

 

Malaki ang galit ni Mommy sa parents nya and it’s not the type of sama ng loob na pwede mong sabihin na ‘forgive and forget’.

 

Sometimes, it doesn’t work that way.

 

Sobrang hirap nung naging buhay ni Mommy before because sobrang hirap lang nila and sobrang abusive pa ng parents. 

 

Dad nya is alcoholic and a gambler, yung Mom nya merong anger issues and lagi syang napagbubuhatan ng kamay. 

 

Tatlo silang magkakapatid noon and sya pa yung panganay kaya mas mabigat yung responsibilidad. 

 

Bata pa lang si Mommy, pinagsasabay nya na yung pag-aaral at 3 part time jobs para lang meron silang pangkain magkakapatid and panggastos sa school nila. 

 

Sabi ni Tita, while Mommy is in UP, kung ano ano daw raket na pinapasok nya para lang maka-earn ng money.

 

Ginagawa nya projects ng classmates, assignments, even thesis, basta bayaran sya.

 

She’s doing all that and nakakaya nya pa mag dean’s list.

 

I really admire her.

 

Kahit mahirap, nagsumikap si Mommy kaya she became the best lawyer in the Philippines. 

 

Malaki ang sama ng loob nya sa parents nya and the fact that yung mukha ko is identical sa side ng family nya- angers her. 

 

Bumabalik lahat ng traumas and bad memories when she’s looking at me.

 

Hindi ko maintindihan yung part na yun.

 

It’s not my fault. 

 

Hindi ko kasalanang kamukha ko sila Lola. 

 

Bakit sakin sya nagagalit?

 

I could still remember some of her words back then.

 

Yun din ang unang beses kong nakitang umiyak si Mommy and I just know that she’s drunk back then.

 

She will never break down if she’s sober.

 

 

“Bakit kamukha mo sya? Bakit kamukha mo sila?! Just by simply looking at you makes it hard for me to breathe. Hindi ko ata kakayaning makita ka araw-araw, anak. Why? Para akong sinusumpa. What did I do to deserve this? Bakit hanggang tumanda na ako, hindi pa rin ako pinapakawalan ng past ko?”

 

 

I was 5 nung na-encounter ko yun and that is when I made a first major decision sa buhay ko.

 

Gusto kong lumayo sa pamilya ko, lalo na kay Mommy kasi mahihirapan at masasaktan ko lang sya habang nandito pa ako.

 

Besides, hindi rin naman ako hahanapin ni Daddy dahil si Yuna ang favorite nya. 

 

Sya lang yung cino-consider nyang anak dahil sya yung matalino at mas may kwenta samin. 

 

Hindi nya sinabi sakin yun directly pero syempre, hindi naman ako tangang tanga.

 

I could feel it naman.

 

When my Tita Bada, Mom’s sister said na plano nya na mag migrate sa Switzerland, I told her na gusto ko sumama.

 

My Tita Bada understood my situation naman and saksi sya sa mga nangyaring mistreatment na nakukuha ko sa sarili kong pamilya kaya pumayag sya na isama nalang ako. 

 

Ang masakit dun is hindi lang man nagdalawang isip yung parents ko na pumayag. 

 

Sila pa nga yung nag arrange nung papers ko mismo, parang gustong gusto na nila ako paalisin. 

 

The 5 year old me was so broken at tuwing naaalala ko yun, sumasakit talaga yung dibdib ko. 

 

Walang asawa si Tita Bada and wala rin syang anak. 

 

Pangarap nya daw kasi maging rich Tita ng mga pamangkin nya and hindi sya interested magpatali sa kahit na sino.

 

Malaking responsibilidad daw kasi yun. 

 

Tita Bada is an architect.

 

Isa syang magaling na architect and tulad ni Mommy, pinaghirapan nya lahat ng achievements nya. 

 

Marami na syang napundar at gusto nya talaga mag migrate sa Switzerland to live a quiet life and upon wintnessing my situation, hindi sya nagdalawang isip na pumayag at isama ako sa kanya kahit na dagdag responsibilidad ako. 

 

5 years old ako nun nung nawalay sa parents and kapatid ko. 

 

5 years old nung nagsimula na magbago buhay ko. 

 

Malaya na ako sa mga masasakit ng tingin sakin ng magulang ko pero hindi pa rin ako malaya mula sa lungkot na nararamdaman ko.

 

Kinalakihan at kinasanayan ko nalang siguro yung lungkot. 

 

I could still vividly remember the first time I set my foot sa bansa na ‘to.

 

It’s as beautiful as they described it to be.

 

Naging okay naman yung buhay ko sa Switzerland. 

 

Tahimik at wala naman masyado naging problema bukod sa constant pressure from my parents. 

 

Pero at least, hindi ko na to maririnig harap-harapan because it would break me more. 

 

Tita spoiled me with love and attention kaya kahit papano nabawasan yung lungkot sa puso ko.

 

Kahit na malayo na ako sa family ko, I still pushed myself to be the best.

 

Gusto ko maging proud din sila sakin.

 

Sa International School of Berne ako pumasok and it’s the best school sa Berne.

 

Dun nagsimula ang bagong journey ng buhay ko.

 

Lumaki ako na parang walang ibang ginagawa kundi mag-aral at mag engage sa iba’t ibang activities. 

 

I engaged in sports kasi gusto ko mahanap kung saan ako magaling na mas magaling ako sa kapatid ko para mapansin naman nila ako. 

 

I’ve tried kendo, bowling, and even badminton.

 

I took guitar lessons din nung nag grade 4 ako.

 

Nagpagawa rin si Tita ng arcade room sa bahay nya kasi sabi nya, I should slack off daw paminsan minsan.

 

Dun ko na realize na magaling din pala ako sa mga games.

 

Kaso syempre, hindi naman importante sa family namin yun.

 

Baka nga pagalitan pa nila ako if they discovered that I’m busy playing games sa free time ko.

 

But syempre, hindi ko naman pinabayaan yung studies ko.

 

Lagi na akong number 1 nun sa school because of my hardwork.

 

Hindi man ako genius katulad ni Yuna, at the very least, masipag naman ako.

 

I always talk to my parents every week, pero kadalasan tanong nila sakin is related sa academics.

 

Kung hindi ko daw ba pinapabayaan yung pag-aaral ko.

 

They never asked me if I’m okay ba.

 

It’s always about my scores and school standings.

 

Inisip ko na lang na at least may pake pa rin sila sakin kaya naman I always try my best para may maipagmalaki sa kanila.

 

Pag sinasabi ko na top 1 ako, ang nakukuha ko na response ay, “Keep it up.”

 

It’s never, “You did well, anak. We’re proud of you.”

 

Inisip ko nalang na at least may sinabi sila sakin.

 

Yung simpleng keep it up, yun ang nagpupush sakin to do my best.

 

Hanggang sa makuha ko rin yung mga salita na gusto kong marinig mula sa kanila.

 

----------

 

Jimin Yu

 

Or Yu Jimin. 

 

Mas kilala daw sya bilang Karina Yu. 

 

Pero tawag sa kanya ng mga magulang at kapatid ko ay Jimin. 

 

Wala naman akong pake sa totoo lang kung ano pa ang pangalan nya or kung sino pa sya.  

 

Hindi na bago sa pandinig ko ang pangalan na yan. 

 

I think I was in grade 6 nang una kong marinig ang pangalan nya. 

 

“Jimin? Is she a foreigner?”

 

“Yup! She’s a full blooded korean, Winter.”

 

Kinwento ni Tita na meron daw bagong maid sila Mommy and super talino nung anak kaya naging interested yung parents ko and decided na gawin syang scholar.

 

Being my parent’s scholar is a big deal no!

 

Personal scholar ha, hindi ng Law firm namin.

 

Sana alam nung Jimin na yun kung gaano karami ang naghahangad ng opportunity na yan.

 

They’re the biggest lawyers in the country and they are untouchable sa field ng Law.

 

Ito rin ang unang beses na may kinuhang scholar sila Mommy.  

 

Kaya syempre, na-curious ako. 

 

Sino ba ang babae na ‘to at gaano ba sya kagaling para makuha ang atensyon ng mga magulang ko?

 

Ako ngang anak hindi lang man yun magawa no matter how hard I try. 

 

Is she better than Yuna?

 

Yun lang kasi ang nakikita kong reason kung bakit sya pinansin nila Mommy.

 

Yuna is already good at everything she does kaya nga wala pang nagiging scholar sila Mommy, well not until Jimin came into the picture.

 

“Tell me more about this girl, Tita.” 

 

Tita Bada sat beside me, she’s now holding her cup of coffee.

 

9 na ng gabi and kakauwi nya pa lang galing sa office nya.

 

Sakto naman I’m studying sa garden nung dumating sya that’s why we’re having this talk.

 

Nakalimutan ko na yung pag-advance reading ko sa math and focused my whole attention kay Tita.

 

“All I know is that she’s really smart. She graduated as the valedictorian in her batch. Mind you, dami nyang kalaban nun since public school pa tapos she’s also good in sports.”

 

“What’s her sport?” Dito ako na curious kasi I won’t doubt her academic intelligence na kasi my parents won’t obviously choose someone na bobo

 

“She’s already a black belter daw in taekwondo tapos swimmer pa. Nanalo na daw sya sa ilang mga competitions. Oh and she's a great pianist too! I think marunong din sya mag guitar but stopped for some reason.”

 

What? Is that even possible? Paano nya yun nagagawa lahat? 

 

Ako kasi parang hobby ko lang yung ibang sports but this Jimin, nananalo pa sya sa mga competitions?

 

While being so academically intelligent at that?

 

Geniuses do exists. 

 

They are the reason kung bakit kaming mga masisipag lang ay laging talo.

 

No matter how hard we try, it’s always the geniuses who will be on top and without much effort pa.

 

They’re just born to be on top.

 

I’m so jealous.

 

“I see. So where will she study daw po?”

 

“UST.” 

 

Napataas ang kilay ko dun, “That’s a private school diba? Hindi ba sya nakapasa sa Philippine Sci?”

 

 

Alam ko yun ang pinakamagandang high school sa Philippines and lahat gusto makpasok dun.

 

Yun din ata target ni Yuna pag nag junior high school sya.

 

 

“She passed, of course. Kaso mas maraming incentives ata na ibibigay UST so she chose that.”

 

I nodded my head in understanding, “Oh, kaya pala Mom and Dad likes her. Para siyang si Yuna.”

 

“Yup, maybe your parents saw Yuna’s future self kay Jimin that’s why naging interested sila sa kanya.”

 

 

Even with those basic information, alam ko na agad na totoo yun.

 

Yuna is also good in sports tapos she’s also intelligent.

 

Parang sila yung magkapatid.

 

 

“I hope you don’t think too much and push yourself again, Winter. You’re already doing your best, anak.”

 

 

Napansin siguro ni Tita yung biglaan kong pananahimik.

 

But sorry Tita, parang hindi ko ata narinig yung sinabi mo. 

 

Dahil sa mga information na nalaman ko, parang mas na-fuel yung competitiveness ko.

 

Gusto ko maging kasing galing nya, or maybe mas magaling sa kanya.

 

Possible nga sa hindi naman nila anak so maybe if ginalingan ko pa, mapapansin na nila ako. 

 

That’s why I pushed myself more.

 

Sya yung ginawa kong academic rival without her knowing it.

 

I focused both on academics and sports.

 

Tiring but I think I did well.

 

Yung dati kong hobby lang na bowling and badminton, naging varsity player pa ako sa school namin.

 

While mainting my top 1 rank sa whole batch, of course.

 

I train for Kendo rin kapag may time and took guitar lessons kapag Sunday.

 

Dun umiikot ang mundo ko.

 

Nanalo naman ako sa mga laban pero aanhin nila yung medals if hindi naman ako gumraduate as the valedictorian?

 

I realized na hindi ko pala kaya pagsabay-sabayin lahat.

 

Masyadong mataas ang tingin ko sa sarili ko back then.

 

Nasa isip ko kasi talaga is kinaya nga nung Jimin na yun at ni Yuna so baka kaya ko rin. 

 

I should’ve focused sa academics nalang kasi dun sila mas may pake. 

 

I’ve disappointed my parents once again. 

 

Hindi ko pa rin makakalimutan kung paano sila napa-sigh nung nalaman na 1st honourable mention lang ako.

 

Ni hindi ko lang man na-reach ang pagiging salutatorian.

 

Kaya naman nung nag grade 7 na ako, ginawa ko nalang na hobbies ulit yung extracurricular activities and focused sa academics. 

 

Bumalik ako sa dati kong ginagawa wherein I studied hard.

 

Yung minsan wala pang tulog just so I could ace all of my exams and quizzes. 

 

Lagi rin akong nag-aadvance study para in case na magkaroon ng surprise quiz, hindi ako mabubulaga. 

 

Hindi kasi ako mabilis maka-pick up.

 

Weakness ko yung surprise quizzes right after discussion kasi hindi ko pa fully absorbed yung lessons nun kaya naman I do advance studies sa mga subject na alam kong mahilig magpa-surprise quiz.

 

I had to sacrifice my sleep para lang mag-advance study.

 

Worth it naman kahit papano since nasasagot ko yung quizzes.

 

School at bahay lang yung daily routine ko. 

 

Kapag weekends, I attend trainings naman kasi I enjoy it at yun ang nagsisilbing stress reliever ko. 

 

It was never boring naman because I don’t even have the time to be bored.

 

Napakadami kong ginagawa sa buhay that I don’t even mind kung wala akong kaibigan.

 

Nasa isip ko na they are just a distraction. Who cares about those anyway.

 

I was always along nung junior high school ko and I don’t mind it naman.

 

Am I a loner?

 

Yes.

 

Is it lonely?

 

Of course.

 

But I don’t mind.

 

Kung hindi naman makatutulong sakin to achieve my goals, might as well ignore it.

 

As a result, naging consistent top student ako sa buong batch naming.

 

 

-------

 

 

Yu Jimin.

 

Ilang taon na rin simula nung una kong marinig ang pangalan nya.

 

Hindi naman na bago sa pandinig ko yung name na yan.

 

She’s no stranger sa family namin and sakin. I even made her my academic rival nga diba? And maybe an inspiration to do better pa.

 

Wala naman akong problema if mababanggit yung pangalan na yan.

 

Ang akin lang, bakit parang napapadalas na yung banggit sa name nya?

 

Madalas kasi nabbanggit sya ni Yuna and minsan ng parents ko.

 

Binabanggit ni Yuna kung gaano kabait and kasaya kasama si Ate Jimin nya.

 

Parents ko naman minsan nababanggit yung achievements ni Jimin sa harap ko mismo, na dapat daw gumaya ako sa kanya. Tch.

 

Parang sya pa yung anak kaysa sakin. Yun ang nararamdaman ko kaya naiinis ako.

 

Mas nayayamot ako dahil saktong pagka-summer, naging close si Yuna kay Jimin. 

 

Like super close. 

 

I think nung 3rd week of March kasi, narinig ko from Yuna that Jimin’s Mom is diagnosed with pneumonia. 

 

Ako naman I felt bad syempre kasi alam ko silang dalawa lang yung nandito sa Philippines. Her Dad is in Korea ata? Not sure.

 

Binayaran ng family namin yung bills and wala lang samin yun but Jimin insisted na babayaran nya yun kahit na anong mangyari.

 

Ayaw nya daw magkautang sa kahit na kanino. 

 

Instead of being offended, my parents even admired her guts kaya hinayaan nalang nila bayaran ni Jimin yung binayad nila sa hospital. 

 

Someone like Jimin would surely succeed in life daw.

 

Kaya nga mas napalapit sila dun sa Jimin na yun.

 

Lalo na si Mommy because she can see her younger self kay Jimin.

 

Okay, ako na yung nainggit.

 

Jimin started working part time sa bahay bilang kabayaran. 

 

Marunong na sya mag drive but since turning 17 palang sya that time, naging parang personal assistant sya ni Yuna.

 

She always accompanies Yuna sa lahat ng pupuntahan nya and minsan inuutusan din sya nila Mommy.

 

Kaya naman every video call and even chats namin ni Yuna, hindi pwedeng hindi mababanggit ang pangalan na Jimin. 

 

Everytime na magkakausap kami ng kapatid ko, she will tell me something about Jimin. 

 

Kahit napakawalang kwenta tulad ng binilhan sya kunwari ni Jimin ng ice cream or kung paano sumabit yung damit ni Jimin sa random branch because of her stupidity.

 

She kept on gushing dun sa taong yun and nagseselos na ako.

 

I’m her Ate kaya! Ako dapat nagsspoil kay Yuna, not some random outsider.

 

Para ngang gusto ko na umuwi back then, I feel threatened kasi!

 

I’m actually at my limit ngayon. 

 

Pag binanggit nya pa yung pangalan nung babae na yun, I’ll complain na. 

 

I looked at the time and it’s already 2:45 in the aternoon. 

 

Any minute, tatawag na si Yuna kasi she always calls me before mag 9 sa kanila. 

 

And look, she is calling na nga. 

 

“Ate!” Masigla nyang bati na ikinangiti ko

 

“Hello, Yuna.” 

 

“Facetime tayo, please?”

 

“Okay, lipat lang ako sa iPad. I’ll call you.” 

 

“Okay, Ate!” 

 

Kung gaano ka-energetic and hyper si Yuna noon, may dumoble pa ata ngayon.

 

She’s so cute.

 

I switched sa iPad ko na nakapatong sa bedside table.

 

I waited for her to answert the call habang nag-aayos ng buhok. 

 

“Ate! How was your day so far?” Hindi talaga uso ang hello sa kapatid ko. Straight to the point agad!

 

“The usual. Woke up at 7, attended badminton and kendo training. I still have guitar lessons mamayang 5. I’m still considering if I’ll attend the vocal lessons na sinabi ni Tita.” 

 

“You should! You have a nice vocal tone kaya! Even Tita said so, alam mo naman na she’s a great singer. Give it a shot, Ate. Mas may igaganda pa yung voice mo, saying naman!” 

 

“Should I?” 

 

Yuna nodded her head excitedly, “Definitely! Sayang naman yung talent, Ate. Mala mo magustuhan din nila Mommmy yan since they both love music din.” 

 

Oo nga no.

 

Both of them love music. 

 

When I told them last week nga na gusto ko mag-try umattend ng vocal lessons, pumayag naman sila basta hindi bababa grades ko. 

 

Ganun naman usual response nila kapag may gusto akong gawin. 

 

As long as hindi nila ako pinipigilan baka meaning nun is okay lang talaga? 

 

Di ko alam kung wala lang ba talaga silang pake sa ginagawa ko kaya hinahayaan na nila ako gawin ang gusto ko or they just don’t mind it dahil gusto nila akong mag-explore.

 

Are they still disappointed dahil hindi ako naging valedictorian nung grade 6?

 

Hay.

 

Should I give it a shot?

 

Gaya nga ng sabi ni Yuna, baka magustuhan ‘to nila Mommy and Daddy. 

 

Baka ito pa yung maging tulay para mapansin na nila ako. 

 

“Alright, puntahan ko yung inarrange na music school ni Tita.” 

 

“Good! Alam mo ba, Ate Jimin is also good at singing?”

 

Ayan na nga, binanggit na ang bwisit na pangalan na yan. 

 

Nagseselos na ako ha! 

 

Parang mas Ate nya pa yung babaeng yan! 

 

I’m fuming with jealousy na and kinakabahan ako.

 

Baka kasi mas magustuhan na sya ni Yuna. 

 

Hindi kasi ako kasing galing ng Ate Jmin nya. 

 

Baka ma realize nya na ito lang ang Ate nya. 

 

Just an average person na kaya naman gawin lahat but never excels in it. 

 

Jack of all trades, master of none ika nga. 

 

Might be a good thing para sa iba but not in my family.

 

“Yuna, regarding kay Jimin-.”

 

“I’ll send you our pic! Alam mo ba, I got permission kila Mommy and pumunta kanina sa tagaytay, we ate some bulalo. Who knew that bulalo tasted that good?” 

 

Gosh, once na nagsalita si Yuna sobrang hirap pigilan. 

 

Napakadaldal!

 

Hindi ko maisingit yung concern ko kaya tinignan ko nalang muna yung pic na sinend nya sa phone ko. 

 

The moment I saw the picture, muntikan ko pang mabitawan yung phone ko.

 

Damn.

 

It was Yuna and Jimin, they took a selfie sa loob ng kotse.

 

Yuna was the one holding the camera tapos si Jimin nandun sa likod nya, smiling widely.

 

Parang nasilaw ako.

 

“This is Jimin?” Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala

 

“Yup! It’s your first time seeing her no? She’s really pretty, diba?” 

 

 

Sobra.

 

Alam ko lang yung name nya but never ko nakita ang mukha nya.

 

Tita did say na maganda nga si Jimin but hindi ko naman alam na ganito kaganda.

 

She has a middle length hair na super straight, parang alagang alaga talaga.

 

Medyo malaki yung eyes nya, contrary sa mga nakikita ko na Koreans sa dramas.

 

Maputi rin sya and sakto lang yung katawan. Not thin and not fat.

 

The mole near her lips is very eyecatching and it made her more attractive.

 

Para syang kpop idol.

 

Basta, she’s just so beautiful, hindi ko na alam kung paano pa sya i-describe.

 

And she’s only 17?

 

What more kung nag mature pa sya?

 

I unknowingly saved the picture.

 

Hindi ko rin alam bakit, basta I just did!

 

 

“Ate, masyado ka ata nagulat dyan?” Pang-aasar sakin ni Yuna kaya naman agad kong ni-lock yung phone ko at nag seryoso ng mukha

 

“H-Hindi no.” Nakalimutan kong naka video call nga pala kami, “So, kamusta naman dun sa tagaytay?

 

“Super saya, Ate! Na-relax ako super and parang nawala yung stress ko the moment that we saw the taal volcano.” Buti naman at mabilis ma-distract si Yuna

 

“Did you take some pictures? Send me some.”

 

Yuna giggled, “Sending na, Ate. I took like 50+ pictures? Ate Jimin is a good photographer kaya I enjoyed it a lot.”

 

“Super dami nga. Baka napagod mo na si Jimin.” Kailan pa ako nagkapake sa kanya?

 

“Nah, she doesn’t mind daw. Yung friends nya daw kasi laging nagpapapicture sa kanya.”

 

“I see.”

 

“I sent our picture rin together. Alam mo ba pinilit ko pa si Ate Jimin dyan because she doesn’t like taking pictures? She looks awkward daw kasi”

 

 

Sakto naman na pagkasabi nun ni Yuna ay na-receive ko na yung pictures.

 

Agad na hinanap ng mata ko yung figure ng dalawang tao.

 

I’m really sorry, Yuna. Hindi ko muna titignan yung individual shots mo and yung pictures ng kinain nyong bulalo.

 

Dun sa bandang dulo ng compilation, nakita ko yung isang picture.

 

I immediately clicked it and showed 2 tall figures, standing side by side with a wide smile.

 

Mas lalong gumanda yung picture kasi yung view sa likod is the taal volcano.

 

She’s taller than Yuna?

 

She’s already pretty tapos she’s tall pa?

 

You really have your favorites, Lord.

 

And what do you mean she looks awkward? She looks normal!

 

Kung makikita nya lang kung gaano ako ka-awkward sa pics, baka tawanan nya pa ako.

 

Goddamn, even sa pictures mas lamang sya?

 

 

“I don’t think she looks awkward. She looks pretty-I mean, pretty normal.” Muntik pa ako dun

 

“Diba!” Yuna agreed, “I asked her to take another picture pa nga nung gabi na kaso umayaw na sya.”

 

“At least she agreed, just be thankful.”

 

“Yeah, I really am thankful. She’s really nice, Ate. Kung sana nandito ka edi you’ll get along with her. Super approachable nya!”

 

 

Maybe.

 

Ang kaso, wala nga ako dyan.

 

And I still feel hostile sa kanya kaya baka hindi kami magkasundo.

 

Ngayon ngang malayo ako, selos na selos na ako sa kanya. Pano pa kaya kung nasa Pinas ako and witnessing my whole family preferring Jimin over me?

 

I’d be in tears lagi.

 

 

“Kapag umuwi ka Ate, let’s eat ulit dun sa kinainan namin na bulalohan. It’s not the typical restaurants na pinupuntahan natin, medyo ang unhygienic nga nung paligid but the food is, chef’s kiss.” With actions pa yung explanation ng kapatid ko, so cute.

 

“Maybe we should.”

 

“Kinwento rin pala kita kay Ate Jimin.”

 

“What?!” Napasigaw talaga ako. You can’t blame me, okay? Nakakagulat lang kasi! “What did you tell her?”

 

“I told her na meron akong napakaganda and napakatalinong Ate sa Switzerland.”

 

 

I could feel my cheeks heating up because of that sudden compliment.

 

 

“Hindi na daw sya nagulat because it runs in our blood. It’s kind of sad lang daw dahil malayo ka samin. Kapag umuwi ka daw, Ate Jimin will treat you to an ice cream!”

 

 

Yung urge na umuwi ng Pinas is getting strong na.

 

 

“A-Ano kala nya sakin, walang pambili? Bilhan ko pa sya ng isang factory!”

 

Yuna laughed, “Grabe ka, Ate. She’s just being nice! Kaya be kind to her pag umuwi ka ha!”

 

 

See? Ito yung kinaiinisan ko minsan.

 

Masyado syang protective and affectionate kay Jimin.

 

Ano bang akala ni Yuna sa kapatid nya, aawayin si Jimin?

 

Why would she ask me na maging mabait sa babae na yun? As if naman ang sama kong tao!

 

 

“Are you upset, Ate?”

 

“Hindi ah!” I’d rather die than admit na naiinggit ako kay Jimin

 

“Just wanted you to know na kahit na anong mangyari, you are still my Ate. Ikaw pa rin ang blood related sister ko and I wouldn’t trade you sa kahit na ano or kahit na sino, kahit na si Ate Jimin pa yun.”

 

 

Gusto ba ako paiyakin ng kapatid ko?

 

 

“The reason why I am this close rin naman sa kanya is because hinahanap-hanap ko yung presence ng Ate ko physically. Sadyang Ate Jimin is such an Ate material and super kind kaya malapit ako sa kanya. We have a lot of similarities din kaya ganun. Sana wag ka magselos sa kanya, Ate.”

 

 

Maybe ito lang naman yung hinihintay kong marinig kay Yuna.

 

Yung inis at selos ko kay Jimin, bahagyang naglaho.

 

 

“Hindi ako nagseselos sa kanya no! Why would I? Di ako mababaw.” Palusot ko

 

“I knew it! Nabanggit kasi ni Ate ni Jimin na baka magselos ka sa kanya dahil bukang bibig ko raw sya. Nababanggit ko ba lagi si Ate Jimin? I should stop na siguro.” Hindi kamo sya nawawala sa bibig mo, Yuna

 

“No, it’s okay.”

 

 

Kahit ako hindi ko alam bakit ako tumanggi.

 

Hindi ba’t sasabihin ko sa kanya na lagi nya nang binabanggit yung tao na yan and medyo bothered na ako?

 

Bakit ko pa tinanggihan yun?!

 

 

“You can tell me stories about you and Jimin or whatever you want to tell me, I don’t mind.”

 

 

Mas lalong hindi ko alam bakit ko yan sinabi.

 

And since then, lagi nang nababanggit ang pangalan ni Jimin.

 

At I unknowingly, look forward to her every kwento.

 

And maybe sa pictures na sinesend ni Yuna with Jimin.

 

 

------

 

 

Jimin gave me a nickname.

 

And it was so damn corny.

 

I hate it!

 

 

“Yuna, please ask Jimin again why is she calling me Ate Panganay?”

 

“Kasi you’re my Ate and you’re a Panganay?” I rolled my eyes because of her response

 

“I know, pero I have my name! I’m Winter! Why is she calling me such a hideous nickname?!”

 

 

Yuna laughed and dun palang alam ko isa sya sa mga dahilan why Jimin is calling me that name.

 

 

“Hindi nya alam na Winter name mo.” Sinasabi ko na nga ba!

 

“And why is that?”

 

“Para mag suffer ka rin tulad ko. She called me Baby Bunso for two years ata nung hindi pa kami close!”

 

 

Yeah, I could still remember Yuna complaining about that.

 

Tinatawanan ko pa sya back then but ngayon, ginawan na rin ako ni Jimin ng corny nickname.

 

 

“Hindi pwedeng ako lang mag suffer dito, Ate. Dapat ikaw rin.”

 

Napairap ako, “I hate you, you know that?”

 

“I love you too, Ate!”

 

 

And that is how the nickname Ate Panganay is born.

 

 

I really hate Yu Jimin.

 

 

------

 

 

 A week after that, Yuna called me and agad kong napansin na may mali.

 

She’s now frowning and looking sa side blankly while we’re in the middle of a video call.  

 

I’m starting to worry.

 

 

“Yuna, you look so down. Anong nangyari? Mababa ba yung mock exam mo kanina sa tutorial center? Hindi mo ba nagustuhan yung ulam kanina? May nangyari ba sa dance club? Did someone bully you?! Anong meron? Tell me, please.”

 

 

I was panicking!

 

Kasi never naging ganito kalungkot ang kapatid ko.

 

She’s always all smiles kasi and almost never ko syang nakitang ganito ka-upset.

 

 

“Si Ate Jimin kasi..”

 

 

Bigla namang nag init ang ulo ko.

 

What did Jimin do to my sister?!

 

Sabi na eh!

 

My guts is telling me na may something bad sa vibes ng Jimin na yun!

 

Lumabas na ba ang true colors nya and sinaktan si Yuna?!

 

 

 

“What did that -“

 

“Ate, calm down! Wala namang ginawa sakin si Ate Jimin!”

 

I was confused, “Huh? But you mentioned Jimin.”

 

“Yes, I did. The reason why I am upset is because Ate Jimin is really sad right now”

 

 

Jimin is.. sad?

 

That girl is literally a ball of sunshine just like Yuna!

 

Para ngang hindi uso ang word na malungkot sa babaeng yun, based sa mga kinikwento sakin ng kapatid ko.

 

Kahit ako nag worry tuloy bigla.

 

 

“What happened?”

 

“Ate Jimin joined a dancing competition with her friends para magamit yung prize money pambayad sa hospital bills ng Mom nya. They won naman pero muntikan na daw na hindi kasi their friend suddenly left daw nang walang paalam sa mismong event pa. May important role pa naman daw sa sayaw.”

 

“What? When did this happen?”

 

“Yesterday daw.” Yuna sighed, “It really broke my heart nung nakita ko umiyak si Ate Jimin kanina while telling me the story. Dun ko nalaman na super importante nung friend nila na yun para kay Ate Jimin.”

 

 

There’s something in me na parang nabasag nung narinig ko na umiyak si Jimin.

 

 

“Hindi daw nila mahanap yung friend nila hanggang ngayon. Her friends are kind of well off kaya naman pinahanap nila yung nawala nilang kaibigan sa mga private investigators but they can’t seem to find kahit na anong trace. Nawala daw na parang bula.”

 

“I see. So kamusta yung competition?”

 

“Nanalo naman daw sila.”

 

 

They might’ve won the money pero nawala naman yung kaibigan nila.

 

Yun ang masakit dun.

 

What more if hindi sila nanalo diba?

 

I can already imagine the anxiety na naramdaman nila dahil sa day ng competition lang naman nawala yung friend nila.

 

They probably practiced for it too and mapapansin talaga if may kulang dun. Sabi pa ni Yuna may special role kaya mas obvious yung kawalan.

 

Jimin looked like the person din who values friendship a lot and she’s such a softie kaya baka mabigat para sa kanya yung nangyari.

 

I don’t have any friends so I can’t really relate dun but the fact that someone left without saying goodbye must’ve hurt so bad.

 

 

 

“So, how is she ngayon?”

 

“Feel ko hindi pa rin okay, Ate pero she’s all smiles na agad after nya magkwento. Galing nya mag mask ng feelings though her eyes can’t lie. Sana nga kahit in front of me, wag syang mag pretend na okay lang sya. Hindi naman na ako iba kay Ate Jimin and I’m not that young naman no!”

 

“Just respect her decision, Yuna. She doesn’t want you to worry lang siguro.” I explained

 

 

I for one is an expert dun.

 

And I can perfectly understand why she chose to hide her true feelings at hindi pinapakita sa paligid nya that she’s hurting.

 

It’s easier to pretend na okay ka lang than to explain why you’re not.

 

 

“Yes, Ate. You’re right.”

 

“Treat Jimin bukas pagkasundo nya sayo. You can never go wrong with ice cream.”

 

“Good suggestion, Ate!”

 

“Tapos wag mo na rin banggitin yung about dun, okay? She will tell you naman kung ano problema if she wants to, don’t push her, okay?”

 

“Okay, Ate.”

 

------

 

Nung grade 10 ko lang napansin na there’s something missing sa school life ko.

 

I have no friends na makakasama ko after school.

 

Most of my classmates, even the losers have their own friends na sasamahan sila gumala when they want to or kapag kakain sila ng lunch.

 

Ako lang yung wala.

 

And dun ko lang na realize na it’s kind of lonely pala.

 

Ang lonely nung buhay ko dito sa Switzerland.

 

Hindi ko napapansin kasi super busy ako, wala akong time mag isip ng ibang bagay bukod sa pag-aaral ko.

 

Even if I wanted to have friends, wala namang lumalapit sakin.

 

Hindi ko naman kasalanan na ganito yung mukha ko at intimidated na sila agad tignan ko pa lang. 

 

I don’t want to be friends with someone na takot sakin kasi magiging one sided lang yung friendship. 

 

Hindi ko rin kasalanan na everyone is annoying or boring. 

 

I may hate the people around me but I still want to have someone I can call my friend kahit isa lang. 

 

I want to know how that feels.

 

Dun dumating si Vicky. 

 

Si Vicky Jang. 

 

I can still remember the first time I’ve seen her. 

 

Grade 10 kami back then and medyo nalula pa ako because she’s so damn tall.

 

Alam nyo yung matangkad na nga, mas tumatangkad pa sa paningin mo because of her proportions?

 

Ganun na ganun sya. She’s like 6’2 or something kung titignan mo.

 

She’s also pretty, very pretty actually.

 

Minsan lang ako may purihin na maganda and it can only mean na hindi sya yung ordinary beauty.

 

And we have the same intimidating aura pa. 

 

When our eyes met, nagawa nya pa akong irapan. 

 

Ayoko man aminin pero first time ko atang ma-intimidate sa isang tao. 

 

“Class, let me introduce your new classmate. Her name is Vicky Jang and she’s from the Philippines.” 

 

 

Now, that’s interesting. 

 

Jang is a korean surname no?

 

She’s a korean but galing sya ng Pilipinas. 

 

Naalala ko tuloy si Jimin.

 

Marami na ba ang koreans sa Philippines?

 

Parag hindi normal na maka-encounter ako ng dalawang korean na sa Pinas lumaki. 

 

“My name is Jang Wo-I mean, just call me Vicky because my korean name might be a little hard to pronounce. I’m 16 years old and I’m here to study so please don’t bother me if it’s not something related to acadmics. Thanks.” 

 

Natahimik yung buong classroom nun. 

 

This girl sure is direct. 

 

I like her attitude. 

 

We can  be friends kaso I don’t know how to approach her and she clearly said na wag daw sya i-bother unless related sa academics. 

 

I guess I’ll just focus sa academics din. 

 

Feel ko matalino sya.

 

Pinaupo si Vicky sa vacant chair in front of me and even gave me a blank stare before sitting down.

 

I really admire her guts.

 

Sa kanya lang ako hindi nairita among my classmates.

 

 

------

 

 

Nangangalahati na ng school year and just like what I have expected, hindi naman kami naguusap ni Vicky unless connected sa mga lessons. 

 

Minsan na rin kaming naging groupmates sa iilang activities.

 

But this was the first time na naging partners kami sa isang science project.

 

Sya pa nagsabi na kami nalang mag partner because super useless daw ng iba naming classsmates, which is very true naman. 

 

Kaya nga I always request sa teachers na mag solo lagi kahit na mahirap.

 

Marami rin akong classmates na sinabihan ako na I’m too confident sa skills ko but who the cares about their opinions? As long as okay sa teachers then, I’ll do it alone.

 

Ayoko magbuhat no.

 

Hindi ako mabait at tanga. 

 

Kaya naman I don’t mind partnering up with Vicky dahil alam kong hindi naman sya magpapabuhat.

 

This girl is a genius, baka ako pa ang buhatin nya kapag nagkataon.

 

Lagi syang 1 point behind lang sakin. 

 

Nung first quarter nya ako nalamangan but nabalik ko naman agad nung 2nd quarter.

 

Gosh, napatawag si Mommy nung nalaman nya. 

 

Maybe masyado akong nag relax and kampante kasi 3 years straight akong number one.  

 

I liked the challenge tho.

 

Wala naman kasing nakakalapit sakin ng ganun or even dethrone me sa top spot. 

 

Thanks to Vicky, nabuhayan yung competitiveness spirit ko. 

 

Mas magandang makipag-compete sa nakikita mo talaga.

 

Nakakasawa si Jimin kasi kahit na anong gawin ko, hindi ko malalamangan ang tao na yun and wala naman sya dito so how can I compete with her nang maayos?

 

Hindi pa naman final grading so pwede pa akong bumawi and i-defend yung spot ko. 

 

Medyo nakakatakot lang na hindi pa sya gaano nagseseryoso sa part na yan. 

 

Para kasing lagi syang may iniisip.

 

Lagi syang lutang, I just noticed it nung mga nakaraang araw.  But when the teacher asks her a question naman, nasasagot nya naman. 

 

Another genius, huh.

 

She’s the best academic rival.

 

Naaalala ko si Yuna sa kanya. 

 

Both are pretty, tall and very talented.

 

Nung merong performance sa PE namin, dun ko nalaman na she’s a great dancer pala. 

 

She can sing a bit din, narinig ko naman nung music class namin.

 

Mas dumami nga admirers nya because of that pero wala namang pake si Vicky dun. 

 

Wala ring nagtatangkang lumapit sa kanta because of her intimidating aura.

 

Yung locker nya yung kawawa kasi punong puno lagi ng letters na hindi nya naman binabasa.

 

 

“So, this is your house?” 

 

Ah, yes dinala ko siya sa bahay namin.

 

Why? Because both of us can’t work sa library, masyadong crowded and maingay.

 

We both like to work in silence kaya I invited her sa bahay.

 

Hindi naman na sya nag-inarte at pumayag.

 

“Not mine. My aunt’s.” Inirapan nya naman ako. Hindi naman talaga sakin to, wag nya ‘kong tarayan dyan

 

“Your parents are not here?”

 

Umiling ako, “Nasa Philippines sila.” 

 

“I see. I’m also staying with my Tita.” 

 

“You parents are not here?” Balik kong tanong sa kanya

 

“Nasa heaven na sila.”

 

Napatigil naman ako dun sa sinabi nya at tinignan sya.

 

“Don't look at me like that.” Agad naman akong umiwas ng tingin

 

“Sorry, nabigla ako.” 

 

Hindi sya sumagot and just gave me a nod. 

 

, hindi ko naman alam okay?

 

Did I make her sad?

 

Paano kung biglang bumalik yung painful memory because of that stupid question?

 

Now, the mood is back to being awkward again.

 

Need ko mag-change ng topic.

 

“How about a sibling?”

 

“She’s with my parents already.”  

 

. 

 

Ayoko na nga lang magsalita.

 

I made a mental note na hindi na tatanungin si Vicky ng mga bagay bagay to prevent something like this.

 

Hintayin ko nalang na sya mismo magsabi nun sakin.

 

“So, gaano tayo katagal na tatayo sa labas ng bahay nyo?”

 

 

Dun ko lang na realize na kanina pa kami nakatayo sa harap ng gate ng bahay namin.

 

Gosh, why do I feel so stupid ngayong araw?

 

Nothing’s going my way.

 

 

“Ah, right. Let’s go in na.” 

 

 

Pumasok na kami sa bahay and just like what I expected, na amaze sya sa ganda ng interior. 

 

Super simple lang kasi sa labas pero sa loob yung talagang jaw dropping. 

 

You can’t expect anything less kay Tita since she’s one of the best architects sa Philippines.

 

Tita Shoo even helped her sa interior design kaya naman sobrang ganda ng bahay ni Tita.

 

Vicky’s now looking around at first time ko atang makita na hindi sya mukhang bato.

 

She’s showing human emotions na hindi ko alam na meron pala sya.  

 

I’ve heard na gusto nya i-pursue ang architecture so talagang ma-aappreciate nya ‘to. 

 

Mamaya ko nalang sya i-tour sa bahay once na matapos na kami.

 

Dinala ko na sya sa 2nd floor, where my room is located.

 

“My room’s here.” 

 

Binuksan ko yung unang pintuan sa hallway.

 

“Walang buhay.” Yan ang una nyang nasabi the moment she entered my room

 

“You really have no filter.” 

 

“Would you prefer it if I lie?” Vicky asked with her eyebrows raised pa

 

“Syempre, hindi.” I replied sarcastically, “Let’s start the goddamn project para makauwi ka na agad.” 

 

“I barely breathed for 5 minutes sa loob ng bahay nyo tapos pinapaalis mo na ako.” Vicky said in an amused tone, “Is this how you treat your guests?”

 

“Shut up, you’re not my friend naman and you’re my academic rival so bakit ako magiging hospitable sayo?” Of course that was just a random comeback

 

“It’s not like you have friends to begin with.” Talagang pumunta sya sa topic na yun ha?

 

“Shut up, you’re no different.”

 

“I have friends sa Philippines. Wag mo ako igaya sayo.”

 

“Good for you then.” I replied sarcastically

 

Edi sya na may kaibigan!

 

She sat dun sa wooden chair while I sat on my bed. 

 

“So paano natin hahatiin yung gawain?” Tanong nya sakin

 

“I can’t do artistic stuffs, ikaw na bahala dun. I’ll handle the other stuffs like research and presentation. I can paint din basta simple lang.”

 

 

Yung project kasi namin is gagawa kami ng model of meiosis and mitosis.

 

Hindi naman required na bawat partners ay mag present, sadyang sinwerte lang kami ni Vicky dahil yung index card naming yung napili.

 

 

“Fine by me. You’re lucky na ako partner mo because I’m good at artistic stuffs like this.”

 

 

Ang hangin.

 

I glared at her and she just smirked in response.

 

 

“Yabang mo, Jang.”

 

“At least meron akong ipagmamayabang, Mendoza. What would you do without me?” She’s so annoying

 

“Ikaw kaya nagyaya sakin na maging mag partner tayo.”

 

“And? Doesn’t change the fact na pumayag ka rin when you can decline.”

 

Napairap ako because she’s right, “Don’t want to admit it but ikaw lang matino sa classmates natin.”

 

Biglang tumawa si Vicky, “Now, you’re being rude kay Vanessa. She’s smart din.”

 

“Yeah, but that hates me so I’d rather die than be her partner.” 

 

We finally started doing our own stuffs after that endless roasting.

 

 

 

“So, Vicky right? From Philippines ka rin?”

 

“Yes po, ma’am.” Napatingin ako kay Vicky in disbelief. Parang hindi sya ‘to! 

 

“I’ve heard your name a couple of times kay Winter.”

 

 

Napatingin ako ng masama kay Tita kasi hindi nya naman kailangan i-mention yung bagay na yun?

 

Baka ano pang isipin ng na ‘to.

 

And now look, Vicky is smirking at me tuloy!

 

I really hate her.

 

 

“Apparently, you’re good din pala sa academics. Anong profession gusto mo in the future?”

 

“I want to be an architect po.”

 

Bigla namang na-excite si Tita sa response ni Vicky, “Really? I’m an architect! I own BM Associates. Are you familiar dun?”

 

“What?! Of course, that’s one of the biggest architecture firms in the Philippines” Tinignan ako ni Vicky and I just smirked in return. Buti nalang pala hindi ko sinabi sa kanya, “This bit-I mean, Winter didn’t tell me!” 

 

 

She almost called me in front of my Tita no?

 

The audacity of this woman!

 

 

“Really? Kinakahiya mo ba ang Tita mo, Winter?” Tita asked dramatically

 

Napairap ako kasi Tita’s obviously messing with me lang, “Of course not. Nakalimutan ko lang sabihin.” 

 

”Now, I’m hurt.” Tignan mo si Tita parang bata lang kung umasta

 

“Kaya pala super ganda ng bahay nyo. I think yung kwarto lang ni Winter yung panget.” 

 

Agad ko syang tinignan ng masama. 

 

Talagang isiningit nya pa yun?

 

Pati si Tita tumatawa!

 

“Hindi ko na kasi ginalaw yung room nya to give her freedom. As long as Winter’s comfortable sa panget nyang room, then I guess that’s okay.” 

 

Now they’re both laughing at me. 

 

Pinagkakaisahan nila ako!

 

And my room’s not panget!

 

It’s decent kaya! Wala lang decorations!

 

 

“Well, this is the first time na may dinala si Winter na kaibigan nya. I’m glad”

 

“We’re not friends.” Sabay naming sabi ni Vicky at nagkatinginan pa kami

 

“Hmm? Ganito na ba ang mga bagets ngayon?” Tita asked in an amused tone

 

“No, tita believe me. Hindi kami magkaibigan ng dambuhala na yan.” 

 

“Yes po, I’d rather be alone forever than be friends with this shortie.” 

 

“Who are you calling shortie? I’m 160cm and still growing!” 

 

“And? I’m 167cm and still growing.” I badly want to wipe that smirk of hers

 

“Okay, giant.”

 

“Whatever you say, midget.”

 

“Alright girls, kumalma kayo. Baka magkasabunutan kayo bigla.” Gusto mo ba talaga kami pakalmahin Tita? Parang entertained na entertained ka nga dyan

 

“Si Vicky kasi.” Sisi ko

 

“My gosh, para kang bata. Why are you blaming me? Para kang si Yeri..”

 

“And who the hell is Yeri?” Why is she mentioning some random person bigla?

 

 

Parang na-realize nya rin na may nabanggit syang name bigla kaya napatigil sya.

 

Ayan na naman, parang ang lalim ng iniisip nya.

 

 

“Oh. Someone you obviously don’t know. Let’s just eat peacefully nalang. Nakakahiya sa Tita mo.” 

 

I snorted, “May hiya ka pala? Parang wala kasi you’re slandering me kanina pa.”

 

“Oh shut up. Lumalaban ka rin naman.” 

 

“Of course, hindi ako pinalaking nagpapaapi.” 

 

“Pinalaki? Where? Di ko makita yung ikinalaki mo.” 

 

“This -” 

 

Muntikan ko na masaksak si VIcky ng chopsticks pero pinigilan lang ako ni Tita. 

 

She’s lucky! 

 

At nagawa nya pang tumawa ulit!

 

“Super asar talo mo. Mas nakakatuwa kang yamutin. Who would’ve thought na yung consistent top student ay sobrang pikunin?” 

 

“And you’re so freaking annoying pala.” 

 

She smiled, “I guess I got this from my friends.” 

 

Nawala yung inis ko sa kanya when I heard her sad tone dun. 

 

“Oh sorry for mentioning friends. Nainggit ka ba?”

 

“Ugh, kainis ka super!” 

 

 

Super annoying!!

 

 

-------

 

 

It’s just a normal day sa PE class naming and as usual, Vicky and I aren’t participating sa mga team sports or whatever that is.

 

Nakaupo lang kami sa bleachers while watching our classmates play.

 

And no, we’re not beside each other.

 

Merong malaking distance sa pagitan naming because there’s no way na magtatabi kami.

 

 

“Mahina ba katawan mo? Hindi kita nakikita sumali pag may ganito.” Tanong ni Vicky

 

“I used to play Bowling and Badminton, I’m nowhere near weak.”

 

“Then why are you here? Talunin mo si Vanessa dun.” Naglalaro kasi si Vanessa ng badminton

 

Napairap ako, “Baka umiyak lang sya sakin.”

 

“You’re so mayabang.”

 

“I’m just being honest.” I replied, “Ikaw? Bakit hindi ka nagpaparticipate sa ganito?”

 

“Di ko feel.”

 

“Maybe ikaw yung may mahinang katawan.” Asar ko sa kanya

 

“Excuse me, member ako ng dance club sa school ko before with my friends.”

 

 

Of course I know that.

 

Gusto ko lang talaga syang inisin.

 

 

“I refuse to believe that someone like you has friends. You’re way scarier than me and mas panget attitude mo sakin.”

 

Vicky gave me a glare kaya natawa ako, “I have friends, 6 of them to be exact. Wag mo kong igaya sayo, loner.”

 

“Baka illusion mo lang sila.”

 

“Shut up, totoong tao sila. Baka ikaw yung may imaginary friends.”

 

“Excuse you, wala no. Ang creepy.”

 

“See? You find it creepy tapos iisipin mo na nag-iilusyon lang ako?”

 

“Well, hindi naman malabo sayo.”

 

“What do you mean by that, Mendoza?” May halong pagbabanta na yung voice nya. Scary.

 

“Oh nothing.”

 

“I ing hate you.”

 

“Likewise.”

 

 

Nabalot na naman kami ng katahimikan and it’s kind of bothering me.

 

Ang bilis kasi mamatay ng conversation namin.

 

Kaya kahit na it hurts my pride, ako na yung naging alay para mabuhay ulit yung conversation.

 

I can’t use my phone rin naman and my classmates are way too boring to watch kaya it’s better to talk to Vicky nalang kahit na annoying sya.

 

 

“If true yung friends mo, magkwento ka nga.”

 

“Ayoko nga.”

 

 

Seriously, she’s really annoying.

 

Ako na yung nag open ng bagong topic oh?

 

And pabor naman sa kanya!

 

Hirap talaga kausap ng taong ‘to.

 

 

“Just kidding.” Napairap naman ako

 

“Then ing talk already.”

 

“You don’t know them naman and baka i-search mo pa kaya I’ll just use their nicknames.”

 

“My god, I don’t care about you and your friends.”

 

“Really? Bakit mo tinatanong?”

 

“Because it’s too quiet. Ang uncomfortable maging quiet around you.”

 

Vicky smirked, “I seriously can’t understand you sometimes.”

 

“Don’t try, hindi mo kaya.”

 

“It’s not like I wanted to in the first place.”

 

 

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses na akong umiirap because of Vicky Jang.

 

“I have 6 friends and we’re all members of the dance club. Ate Bear is the eldest, followed by Ate Light Fury, Squirtle, Quail Egg, Pandak and Cherry Blossoms. I’m the youngest dun.”

 

 

Hindi ko maiwasang matawa because of the nicknames.

 

I noticed something different about Vicky nung binanggit nya yung nicknames ng friends nya.

 

Her smile is so bright and genuine.

 

First time ko atang makita yung ganyang expression from Vicky.

 

I guess she really love her friends.

 

 

“Your friends might be cursing at you now.” More like an insult kasi yung sinabi nya instead of nicknames

 

“Nah, they acknowledge those nicknames naman. Hindi sila magagalit.”

 

“They are weird for acknowledging that.”

 

“Walang normal sa kaibigan ko.”

 

 

Kaya pala minsan hindi ko rin maintindihan si Vicky.

 

Naimpluwensyahan na sya ng friends nya.

 

 

“What was their reaction nung nalaman nilang pupunta ka dito?”

 

 

All of a sudden, nawala yung ngiti nya.

 

Kitang kita ko kung gaano kabilis nawala yung ngiti sa labi nya and yung brightness expression nya.

 

Yung excited nyang mga mata, napalitan ng lungkot.

 

Parang nawalan na naman ng buhay, gaya ng lagi kong nakikita sa kanya.

 

Is this a sensitive topic?

 

 

“Vicky-“

 

Tumayo sya from the bleachers, “2 minutes nalang tapos na yung PE class, mauuna na ko sa room.”

 

 

And just like that, she left me.

 

Parang may nabanggit na naman akong hindi dapat.

 

Damn it, Winter.

 

 

------

 

 

“Why the hell are you here?”

 

“Ikaw lang ba pwede dito?” 

 

 

Vicky sat in front of me at nilapag yung tray nya sa table.

 

 

“So dito ka pala pumupunta kaya hindi kita nakikita sa cafeteria.”

 

“Why? You miss me?”

 

Umirap sya, “Obviously not, pero how dare you keep such a nice place to yourself.”

 

“Kaya nga hindi ko sinasabi kasi it’s a nice place. If you discovered this first edi hindi mo rin sasabihin sakin.”

 

“You have a point.”

 

 

This really…

 

Well, I’m glad dahil hindi naman mukhang masama ang loob nya sakin dahil sa nangyari kahapon.

 

 

“By the way, I’m sorry for leaving you kahapon. Medyo sensitive kasi yung topic na yun.”

 

 

Hindi ko inexpect na magso-sorry sya sakin.

 

Ang seryoso bigla, hindi ako sanay.

 

 

“Marunong ka pala mag sorry.” I joked to lighten up the mood

 

“My god, be serious for a second. I really want to slap this tray sayo.”

 

“Gawin mo, saksakin kita ng fork in return.”

 

 

Somehow, pareho kaming natawa sa sagutan namin.

 

 

“I actually have a girlfriend sa group of friends ko.”

 

“Huh? So your friends are all guys pala? But you mentioned Ate.. wait. oh.”

 

Nabigla naman ako!

 

Why is she dropping a huge bomb samantalang wala pa sygn 5 minutes na nakaupo dito?

 

Wait, I have nothing against sa mga katulad ni Vicky okay? I’m just shocked kasi hindi halata sa kanya.

 

Well, hindi naman kailangan halata but do you get my point?

 

Basta nakakabigla!

 

 

“Look, hindi mo naman kailangan magkwento.”

 

“I already started it so just shut up and listen.” Inutusan nya ba ako?! Gusto ko sana lumaban but I’m more interested dun sa ikikwento nya

 

“So demanding.”

 

“Natatandaan mo pa ba yung nicknames?”

 

“Of course, sobrang unique kaya.”

 

“Si Quail Egg yung girlfriend ko.”

“Gosh, just mention her name. Ang panget ng Quail Egg!” Nakaka-stress si Vicky ha!

 

Oh tignan mo, pati sya natawa, “I don’t want to mention her name, baka tignan mo pa sa social media and magustuhan mo pa.”

 

“Girl, I’m straight and she’s your ex. Pake ko dyan?”

 

“I believe straight din ako before I met Yuji.” Now, I’m curious sa Yuji na ‘to

 

“Yuji? That’s her name?”

 

“Nickname. I don’t want to risk it, she’s a magnet. Everybody likes her kaya mas mabuting hindi mo na sya makilala.” Grabe ka naman bumakod, girl

 

“Okay? And ikaw pa pinili nya among her admirers? Bulag yang si Yuji.” Asar ko sa kanya

 

“Shut up. Bawal magbigay ng opinion ang single since birth.”

 

Inis ko syang sinipa sa ilalim ng table, “ you! Magkwento ka na nga lang! Ang dami mo pang sinasabi, nakakainis.”

 

“Fine. Basta, Yuji is the reason why I met the other 5. Sya yung humila sakin sa Dance Club ,ask. I was originally a member sa choir but she’s just too irresistible kaya pumayag ako when she asked me.”

 

“The heck? I can’t imagine you being that..unreasonable.”

 

“Oh shut up. Thank God at sumali ako dahil nakilala ko yung friends ko. They’re the best thing that happened sakin. You know naman that my parents are both in heaven and ever since then, sobrang lungkot na ng buhay ko. Parang nabubuhay nalang ako without a purpose. Nothing interests me anymore.”

 

 

Yun ang ayaw na ayaw kong maranasan.

 

The emptiness.

 

 

“They made my life more meaningful and extra happy and they always reminded me na hindi naman ako nag-iisa sa buhay. Sila yung reason kung bakit hindi ako nagpakain sa lungkot or even depressed back then.”

 

 

Vicky is really lucky to have them.

 

Ako kaya, kalian makakahanap ng group of friends na ganyan?

 

Kahit di na group of friends.

 

Kahit isang tao lang, okay na sakin.

 

 

“Kaso nga lang nung March, I made a choice. Nahirapan ako sa pinili ko and deserve ko naman yung galit and disappointment nila pero some part of me hoped na sana naintindihan nila kung bakit mas pinili kong umalis.”

 

 

Oh my god, Vicky is crying!

 

Agad kong kinuha yung tissue ko sa bag and gave it to her.

 

Kahit naman madalas kami nag-aaway nito, it still breaks my heart to see her crying like this.

 

 

“You don’t have to continue if hindi mo na kaya. No one’s forcing you, the hell.”

 

“Sinimulan ko na so might as well tapusin na.”

 

“So stubborn. Bahala ka.”

 

“So yun, they cutted every communication sakin. With this decision, nawala yung anim kong kaibigan. Wait no, 5. I still have contact kay Ate Ye- I mean kay Ate Light Fury. I sometimes chat her pero bihirang bihira lang kasi super nahihiya ako. She’s just kind enough to talk to me kahit na sure akong disappointed din sya.”

 

 

I absolutely at giving advices and comforting.

 

Kaya naman I just gave her my strawberry milk na hindi ko pa nagagalaw.

 

 

“Ano to?”

 

“Strawberry Milk. Di mo alam?”

 

Vicky rolled her eyes, “What I mean is what for?”

 

“Wala lang. Just drink, goodness. Daming tanong.”

 

“You’re really weird.”

 

“Oo na.”

 

 

Binuksan naman ni Vicky yung carton of milk and drank from it.

 

Dami pang kuda, iinom din pala.

 

 

“Hindi ko alam kung ano yung dapat kong sabihin but I believe na magkakaayos din kayo. Maybe not today but someday in the future.”

 

Bigla namang natawa si Vicky and medyo na-offend ako dun, “Hindi ka marunong mag comfort.”

 

“Ewan ko sayo. Bahala ka na dyan.”

 

 

Inis akong tumayo with my tray at naglakad na palayo kay Vicky.

 

 

“Thank you, Winter.”

 

 

Bago pa ko tuluyang makalabas, narinig ko yan mula sa kanya.

 

It’s sincere and it’s the first time na tinawag nya ‘kong Winter.

 

I couldn’t help but smile at that.

 

 

 ------

 

 

5 months na since I entered the music academy na inalok sakin ni Tita.

 

Within those months, sobrang na develop yung voice ko.

 

Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang but I am currently the best vocalist sa academy.

 

Ako yung palagi nilang sinasali kapag may competitions and naipapanalo ko lahat.

 

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang awards yung nahakot ko sa mga competitions.

 

I feel so happy kasi finally, nahanap ko na yung field na mag-eexcel ako.

 

Yung field na mas magaling ako kay Yuna.

 

Habang umaattend ako ng vocal lessons and nagcocompete, nag-aaral pa rin ako.

 

I’m in 11th grade and konti nalang graduating na ako.

 

Consistent ako sa top spot with Vicky always close behind.

 

Hindi ko naman napapabayaan kaya naman walang kaso sa parents ko yung pagsali ko sa singing competitions.

 

I just hope na sana pansinin nila yung talent ko instead of puro acads lang.

 

 

“Why don’t you pursue music? Hindi mo naman gusto talaga ang field ng law diba?” Vicky asked

 

 

Andito kami ngayon sa rooftop ng school.

 

Don’t ask me why we’re together kasi hindi ko rin alam.

 

I don’t mind naman.

 

Nasanay na ako sa presence ni Vicky.

 

 

“My parents obviously won’t like it. Para namang di mo alam yung story ko.”

 

 

Yes, alam na ni Vicky yung story ng buhay ko.

 

Paano kasi, lagi ko na syang nakakasabay mag lunch and naturally naikikwento namin yung mga ganap namin sa buhay.

 

I don’t mind it since hindi naman kinakalat ni Vicky yun and hindi nya ako hinuhusgahan.

 

Surprisingly, she’s a good listener. Mas nakakatuwang magkwento.

 

Hindi ko na nga namamalayan na pati frustrations ko sa family ko naikwento ko na sa kanya.

 

 

“Then take advantage of that. Diba ikaw ang forgotten daughter? Kahit naman anong gawin mo hindi ka nila pinapansin. Try your luck, malay mo payagan ka nila sa field na gusto mo. Kahit na hindi ka nila favourite, at least you’re pursuing your dream career.”

 

“Medyo ang harsh mo dun but you do have a point.”

 

“If hindi pumayag edi pilitin mo. Choose what makes you happy, Winter. Hindi ka sasaya kung parang nasasakal ka sa choices mo.”

 

“Seeing them happy will make me happy naman..”

 

“Gosh, martyr ka talaga. Be selfish for once naman, malay mo dun mo talaga mahanap ang true happiness.”

 

“Hindi ako selfish.”

 

“Edi hindi. Bahala ka sa buhay mo. Sana maging masaya ka sa path na pinili mo.”

 

 

Dinala ko hanggang bahay yung sinabi ni Vicky.

 

Should I try?

 

Wala naman na silang pake sakin and this is the first time na nahanap ko yung gusto ko talaga.

 

Passion ko na ang pagkanta and I want to pursue this.

 

Dito ako masaya.

 

Kaya naman nung tumawag sila Mommy, after nila ako usisain about sa acads, inopen up ko na yung topic.

 

Kahit sobrang kabado ako nun, pinalakas ko yung loob ko.

 

 

“May gusto po akong sabihin.”

 

“What is it?” It was dad who asked

 

“I-I want to pursue Music po sana sa-“

 

“No.” tutol ni Mommy. Ni hindi nya lang man ako pinatapos “I knew it, dapat hindi na kami pumayag na umattend ka ng music school. Nagiging distraction lang yan sayo.”

 

“But Mommy, this is what I love.. dito ako nag-eexcel.” Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kumuha ng lakas ng loob to say this

 

“And? Hindi mo magagamit yan sa pag aabogasya. Bata pa lang alam mo na Law ang field na para sayo, wala nang iba.”

 

“but..”

 

“Hindi ka naman namin pagbabawalan sumali sa competitions but choosing that as your profession, ibang usapan na yan.” Sabi pa ni daddy and I could feel my tears na sa mata ko

 

“Pwede mo naman gawin but you know the consequence.”

 

 

Right.

 

Masyado akong naging close minded dahil sa sinabi ni Vicky.

 

Kung pipili nga pala ako ng ibang field, kalimutan ko na rin na Mendoza ako.

 

Syempre, hindi yun kaya ng puso ko.

 

 

“Now, gusto mo pa ba ipilit yang gusto mo?” Mom asked using her stern voice na ikinatakot ko

 

“No na po.”

 

“Good. Now focus on your acads. Malapit ka na mag grade 12, ayusin mo yung grades mo para mapasa mo yung UPCAT and maging valedictorian ka.”

 

“Yes po.”

 

“Yun lang ba ang sasabihin mo samin, Winter?” tanong naman ni Daddy

 

“Yes po.”

 

“Okay, then we’ll end the call. Maaga pa kami bukas.”

 

“Okay, ingat po kayo.” I gave them a fake smile at hinintay na iend nila yung call, “I love you…”

 

 

Of course, hindi na nila narinig yun.

 

I’ve tried my best na kalimutan nalang na nangyari ang gabi na ‘to.

 

Vicky was obviously disappointed sa outcome nung sinabi ko pero ano namang magagawa nya? Ayokong mag rebelde.

 

Days have passed and sumasali pa rin ako sa competitions.

 

Maybe hundreds na yung nasalihan kong competition in a span of 1 year mahigit.

 

I always win naman and medyo nawawalan na ako ng gana.

 

Ang boring na kasi.

 

Wala namang crowd na nagchi-cheer dito sakin.

 

Walang audience kasi apparently, yung mga tao dito hindi naman mahilig manood ng singing competitions unlike sa Philippines.

 

Puro lang oldies yung nanonood sakin and barely gave me a reaction.

 

My dream is to perform sa maraming tao wherein they will appreciate me and my passion.

 

Though malabo na yan.

 

October 2019, nag take ako ng UPCAT.

 

Dapat nga uuwi pa ako to take my UPCAT pero you know that my family is really powerful kaya yung proctor mismo yung pinapunta nila dito and personally akong binantayan.

 

Advantage naman sakin yun kasi ayokong umuwi ng Philippines para lang mag take ng exam tapos babalik rin sa Switzerland after because I still have classes.

 

Niyaya ko si Vicky na mag take ng UPCAT but she told me na hindi naman na daw sya babalik, magsasayang lang sya ng oras.

 

She’s reviewing para sa SAT ata. Well, hindi ko naman pinilit.

 

UPCAT was hard, sobra. Parang sasabog yung ulo ko lalo na sa math.

 

Medyo kinakabahan ako sa result pero sure naman ako na hindi ko naibagsak.

 

Let’s just hope na maging okay yung result.

 

Kahit na I took a major exam, tuloy pa rin ang buhay.

 

Binuhos ko na buong attention ko sa school.

 

Vicky’s aiming for the valedictorian spot din kaya naman mas inigihan ko.

 

Hindi ako magpapatalo sa kanya!

 

Tumigil nga muna ako sa competitions nun para makapagfocus ako sa school.

 

Salitan lang kami ni Vicky sa top spot every quarter.

 

Sobrang dikit ng laban naming and super nervous ako dahil baka malamangan nya ako.

 

February nung nalaman ko yung result ng UPCAT ko.

 

Usually, May inaannounce yan but since meron kaming connection sa UP, nalaman namin nang mas maaga.

 

Napasa ko yung exam, mataas UPG ko.

 

Qualified ako sa lahat ng courses na pinili ko except sa 1st choice.

 

Ang political science.

 

My parents were obviously disappointed at mas lalo pa akong nasaktan when they told me na hindi naman sila masyadong nag-eexpect sa results. Para kasing sinukuan na nila ako.

 

Ilang gabi kong iniyakan yun while studying for my major exams.

 

Buti nalang Vicky was there to comfort me kahit madalas nya lang akong iniinsulto.

 

It’s better to have someone pa rin kesa naman mag-isa ako kaya pinagtiisan ko na sya.

 

I recovered a week after that and mas nag focus ako sa acads.

 

Mas kailangan kong gumraduate as the valedictorian kaya hindi na ako tumagal mag drama.

 

I can’t afford to disappoint my parents once again.

 

And after all my hardwork, I graduated as the valedictorian.

 

Vicky was genuinely happy para sakin.

 

I deserved that daw.

 

Tita even cried nung ceremony because super proud sya sakin.

 

My parents congratulated me.

 

Wala pa rin yung good job and you did well, were’s proud of you pero okay na yun.

 

They acknowledged my hardwork naman kahit na hindi ako qualified dun sa Political Science.

 

Syempre, sobrang saya ni Yuna nun.

 

Mas masaya pa nga ata sya sakin kasi talon sya nang talon nung nag video call kami.

 

Even Jimin congratulated me.

 

Nagsend kasi si Yuna ng video of Jimin saying, “Congrats, Ate Panganay”.

 

Don’t get me started with her voice, please.

 

My life is complete nung moment na yun.

 

I couldn’t ask for more.

 

A week after my graduation, yun na ang araw ng uwi ko sa Philippines.

 

Oh diba? Ang bilis lang ng buhay ko nung nag grade 12 na ako.

 

Puro aral lang kasi eh.

 

The night before my flight, nagkasakit ako.

 

Damn it.

 

Kaya nga Vicky’s busy teasing and laughing at me kasi hindi ako makalaban.

 

Andito kami sa airport and we’re with my Tita.

 

Sumama si Vicky dahil this might be the last time na magkikita kami.

 

Kainis, kahit na magkaaway kami lagi, I’ll surely miss this giant.

 

 

“Ingat ka dun sa Philippines. I’m sure marami kang magiging kaaway dahil sa ugali mo.”

 

“Shut upppp.”

 

Natawa na naman sya dahil super paos yung voice ko, “But kaya mo naman yung sarili mo. I’ve trained you well. Sanay ka na sa sagutan natin kaya wala lang yung mga tao sa Philippines.”

 

 

Proud pa sya ha?

 

 

“Sobrang tanga mo sa choice na pinili mo pero wala na akong magagawa kasi it’s decided naman na. Ang napatunayan mo lang is tanga ka talaga.”

 

 

Inis ko syang hinampas ng bag ko.

 

She’s making me more dizzy.

 

 

“Pero ingat ka dun. Sana maging masaya ka talaga sa choice na pinili mo and it’s never too late to choose yourself, to choose what makes you happy. Just send me a message if may kailangan ka. Ayoko ng call kasi ayokong naririnig boses mo, it’s annoying.”

 

 

Napairap naman ako dun.

 

Hindi nya talaga kaya magbitaw ng magagandang salita without insulting me no?

 

 

“UP student si Yuji and magkalapit lang kayo. Sana hindi kayo magkatagpo.”

 

I rolled my eyes, “Wala akong pake kay Yuji mo and I don’t even know her face. Hindi rin naman ako dadayo sa UP dahil Atenista na ako. Baka sumama lang loob ko sa univ na yun.”

 

“But seriously speaking ha, I wish you the best. Sa acads and sa family mo.”

 

“Thanks, Vicky.”

 

 

I gave her a quick hug.

 

Mabilis lang kasi pareho kaming na-cringe.

 

Hindi bagay samin maging sweet sa isa’t isa.

 

Nagawa nya pa akong itulak kahit nanghihina na ako!

 

 

“Gosh, hahawaan mo pa ‘ko ng sakit mo!”

 

“I really hate you.”

 

 

Hindi ako pumayag na hindi gaganti sa kanya kaya tinulak ko rin sya.

 

I then turned kay Tita na nanonood lang samin.

 

 

“Tita, I’ll go na.”

 

 

Agad nya naman akong niyakap and hindi ko na napigilan yung luha ko.

 

13 years ko ring kasama si Tita.

 

Sya yung nagpalaki sakin and sya yung naka-witness ng growth ko as a person, bagay na dapat ginagawa ng isang magulang.

 

I’m really thankful kay Tita dahil kahit papano, naramdaman ko yung love and appreciation sa kanya.

 

If wala sya, baka depressed na ako dun sa bahay naming sa Philippines o kaya naman gumagawa na ng masamang bagay.

 

Ang Winter Mendoza ngayon ay dahil kay Tita Bada.

 

 

“Mag-iingat ka dun ha? Grabe, ang init mo sobra! Sabi ko naman sayo-“

 

“Okay lang, Tita. Fever lang naman ‘to and aasikasuhin naman ako sa plane. Don’t worry.” this sore throat too.

 

“Fine. Call your tita lagi, okay? Wag mong pababayaan ang sarili mo dun, Winter. Mag-iingat ka, please. Wag ka rin masyado magpadala kay Ate, tsundere lang yun.”

 

“A what?”

 

“Wala. Basta galingan mo ha? Sana masaya ka sa pinili mong choice.”

 

 

Masaya naman ako, diba?

 

Hindi ko naman to pagsisisihan, diba?

 

 

“Yes po, tita.”

 

 

Finally pinakawalan na ako ni Tita and nang makita ko ang mukha nya, umiiyak na rin pala sya.

 

Nagpunas na kami pareho ng luha at ako naman ay nag ready nang mag check in.

 

 

“I’ll go now, Tita. Alagaan mo sarili mo ha! Hanap ka na rin ng boyfriend.”

 

“Bwisit kang bata ka.”

 

Nilingon ko rin si Vicky, “Alis na ‘ko. Don’t miss me too much.”

 

“Walang makakamiss sayo, .”

 

“Sus.”

 

 

I gave them a final wave bago tuluyang pumasok sa departure area.

 

------

 

13 years na rin ang nakalipas simula nung umalis ako sa Philippines. 

 

Andito ako ngayon sa NAIA and I must say wala halos pinagbago 13 years ago. 

 

Step up your game, Pilipinas. Kaya hindi tayo umuunlad e.

 

Yuna messaged me minutes ago na andun na sila sa airport kasama yung Ate Jimin nya.

 

Yung parents ko nasaan?

 

Syempre, wala. 

 

Hindi sila mag-aaksaya ng oras para sundin ang wala nilang kwentang anak. 

 

Nakakasama nga lang ng loob dahil pinasundo lang nila ako sa Jimin na yun.

 

Buti na nga lang at nagpumilit si Yuna na sumama kahit na meron syang review center today. 

 

If wala si Yuna baka sobrang bad na agad ng mood ko kasi mararamdaman ko sobra yung hindi pagiging parte ng pamilyang ‘to. 

 

Masama na nga ang pakiramdam ko tapos masama pa loob ko. Gugustuhin ko nalang mamatay nun.

 

Kanina pa nga ako pinagtitinginan ng mga tao because of my outfit.

 

Kahit yung mga flight attendants are worried about me at mas extra yung pag-service nila sakin dahil nga may sakit ako.

 

Bakit ba ako nagkasakit bigla?

 

After my graduation kasi, nag advance study ako and ni-review ko lahat nung mga na-discuss namin para hindi naman nakakahiya.

 

Tapos kapag gabi, hindi naman ako makatulog. 

 

That must be the reason. Hindi na kinaya ng katawan ko mag keep up sa pinaggagawa ko

 

Can’t blame my body kasi halos hindi ko pahingahin because of my anxiety. 

 

Ayokong umuwi na walang pagbabago.

 

Kaya here I am, looking stupid at balot na balot in this summer heat. 

 

I’m wearing 3 layers of sweatshirts and hoodies.

 

I’m also wearing a mask and shades. 

 

Nagsuot ako ng shades because I’m too tired to wear make up to hide my eyebags.

 

I look really scary with this set up pero anong magagawa nila when I’m this sick?

 

I feel very weak din kahit na I took meds and slept the whole flight kanina. 

 

Now, where’s my little sister? 

 

Kailangan ko na sya mahanap bago pa ‘ko himatayin dito

 

Nasa arrival area na ako, pulling my heavy suitcase.

 

Actually, hindi naman sya sobrang bigat. Sadyang mahina lang ako ngayon.

 

Mga importanteng gamit lang yung dinala ko dahil bibili nalang akong ng mga bagong damit dito.

 

Gosh, I just want to sleep. 

 

Nahihilo na ako, ayoko na maghanap. 

 

Let me just call Yuna. 

 

Bakit ba hindi ito yung naisip ko imbis na hanapin sya?

 

I fished my phone out of my pocket and connected my phone sa wifi dito.

 

My god, ang daming hinihingi na kung ano ano I feel dizzy lalo. 

 

Why can’t they just connect me automatically sa Wifi?

 

Wala pa kasi akong sim card dito so I can’t call her mismo sa phone nya or even open my mobile data.

 

After the annoying captchas and unnecessary approval ng kung ano ano, I finally connected sa Wifi. 

 

And just like what I expected, napakabagal. 

 

Nasanay ako sa internet speed sa Switzerland.

 

We have the fastest internet speed kaya naman sobrang nakakapanibago yung kabagalan ng internet sa Philippines.

 

From a fixed broadband speed of 146.81Mbps to 31.44 Mbps average speed sa Philippines.

 

Hindi makatao yung bagal nung internet dito.

 

Gusto ko ibalibag phone ko because of my frustrations.

 

Dumiretso na ako sa telegram and called my sister.

 

Buti at online sya. 

 

Nakakadalawang rings pa lang nang may maramdaman akong malakas na force on my side causing me to lose my balance.

 

I was about to fall na talaga but luckily, that person hugged me. 

 

Wait, lucky? Hindi ko nga kilala ‘to!

 

Medyo nagising yung diwa ko and I was about to punch the living daylights out of this person nang marinig ko yung tawa nya. 

 

It’s Yuna. 

 

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag dun.

 

“Ate, na-miss kita sobra!!”

 

“And you’ll kill me because of the shock.” 

 

“Oops sorry.” 

 

Yuna helped me regain my balance and looked at me. 

 

Oh my God. 

 

Ang tangkad nga ng kapatid ko and she’s prettier in person. 

 

The camera didn’t do her justice. 

 

Parang na-starstruck pa ako sa sarili kong kapatid but you all can’t blame me. 

 

Sobrang ganda talaga ng genes ng mga Mendoza! 

 

I’m a Mendoza myself so alam ko yun. 

 

“Ate, I’m taller than you na!” 

 

I know and it hurts my pride, Yuna. 

 

“Ako pa rin yung mas maganda sating dalawa.”  

 

She giggled, “I’ll agree sana kaso I can’t seem to unhear that hoarse voice of yours. Parang lalaki kausap ko.” 

 

I gave my sister a light push dahil inaasar nya na agad ako. 

 

“Lumayo ka muna sakin Yuna, I’m sick.” 

 

“Who the cares about that?!” Nanalaki naman yung mata ko dahil sa language na ginamit nya, “I’ve missed you kaya!”

 

“Yes, I know pero I’m not going anywhere naman. You can stick to me all you want after ko gumaling.” , ang sakit na ng throat ko

 

“Fine.” Kinuha nya yung suitcase ko, “Let’s give this to Ate Jimin na muna para hindi ka mahirapan.” 

 

Right, kasama nya nga pala yung Jimin.

 

It’ll be the first time that I'll see her personally. 

 

Tignan nga natin if Yuna’s just OA or she’s telling the truth.

 

Or kung baka photogenic lang sya.

 

“Welcome back, Ate Panganay.”

 

“Who are you calling Ate Pang-”

 

Hindi ko na natuloy yung sasabihin ko when I finally caught sight of Jimin.

 

And damn. 

 

Feel ko I stopped breathing for a few seconds.

 

This is Jimin?

 

The Yu Jimin?!

 

Oh my God.

 

Yuna’s not lying nung sinabi nya that Jimin is really good looking. 

 

Pero hindi ko naman inexpect na ganito sya kaganda! 

 

Nakita ko na sya pictures, di ko na mabilang kung ilang beses and sobrang ganda nya na dun. 

 

You're telling me may igaganda pa ang tao na 'to?!

 

That smile. That goddamn smile.

 

Just kill me. 

 

Hindi pa nakatulong yung outfit nya. 

 

Parang mas lalo akong nag init.

 

She’s wearing a black muscle tee, black skinny jeans and a black beanie on her head pa.

 

Don’t get me started with her cross earrings and long blue hair. 

 

Is it possible for someone to be this pretty and hot at the same time?

 

She’s also taller than me yet she has a very small face.

 

Akala ko sa camera lang but it really is true!

 

Is she even real?! 

 

Buti nalang this Jimin is walking ahead of us the moment she got my luggage, giving us privacy. 

 

I can’t take my eyes off of her. 

 

Hindi ko na maintindihan yung kinikwento ng kapatid ko kasi I was busy looking at her back. 

 

. 

 

I probably look so pathetic right now with my outfit. 

 

Bakit ngayon pa ako nagkasakit?! 

 

I can’t even flaunt my beauty, this is not right. 

 

“So Ate, dinala mo ba yung mga awards mo from singing competitions?” 

 

Oh, tinapon ko na.

 

Umiling ako, “Nah, iniwan ko sa bahay ni Tita. Masyadong marami eh.”

 

“That’s too bad, mailalagay sana natin yan sa awards room natin.” My sister is pouting. Gustong gusto nya kasi talaga i-flex yung awards ko

 

“Dinala ko naman yung diploma and other academic certificates, I guess okay na yun.”

 

“Yup! I’m sure Mom and Dad will be proud.” I highly doubt that, Yuna. 

 

 

I want to flaunt my awards sa singing and medals from sports kaso nga lang, I’m sure na wala naman silang pake dun. 

 

Relevant lang para sa kanila yung academics kaya dinala ko lang yung diploma ko and some certificates sa mga sinalihan kong academic related competitions na I’m sure wala pa sa kalahati ng meron si Yuna. 

 

Hay. 

 

“Ate, where do you want to eat?”

 

“You decide. Wala naman na akong alam sa Philippines.” 

 

“Alright, then jollibee!”

 

Napangiti naman ako dun. 

 

Favorite talaga ni Yuna ang jollibee and I’m pretty sure na hindi sya masyadong nakakakain nito because Mom and Dad doesn’t like it that much. 

 

Syempre, mahilig sila sa mga high end restaurants that will serve high quality meals. 

 

Medyo health freak pa sila kaya naman fast foods are a big no.

 

Alam ko si Jimin pa yung nagpatikim dito kay Yuna and ever since then, hinahanaphanap na yun ng kapatid ko.

 

Kahit na medyo may inggit ako sa taong yun, I’m thankful dahil nasa tabi sya ni Yuna nung mga panahong wala ako. 

 

She’s not that bad naman talaga, ako lang ‘tong bitter because she’s so damn perfect. 

 

Maraming tao sa Jollibee dito sa airport that’s why we decided na mag drive thru nalang sa nearest branch nila here in Pasay. 

 

Pabor din naman sakin because I feel like already, I can’t ing handle dining in sa fast food restaurant na super dami ng tao. 

 

Me and Yuna waited for Jimin sa entrance para daw hindi na ako maglakad pa papunta sa parking lot because it’s pretty hot. 

 

Okay. 

 

She’s thoughtful, I give her that.

 

Pero pwede rin naman na ganyan sya because kami yung nagpapasahod sa Mom nya.

 

Hindi ko pa masabi kung mabuti ba syang tao or what. 

 

Yes, kahit na sobrang bango nya sa mga kwento ni Yuna, hindi ko pa rin masabi if mabuti ba syang tao.

 

But one thing's for sure. 

 

She’s hot. 

 

I think I’m crushing on her a bit. 

 

Hah.

 

As if I don't find her attractive noon pa tch pero hindi nya naman kailangan malaman yun.

 

“Ate Winter, what do you think of Ate Jimin?”

 

That was random. 

 

Parang hindi ako ready.

 

“S-she’s okay, I guess.” 

 

“Define ‘okay’, Ate.” Ano ba ‘tong kapatid ko? Bakit parang excited sya na ewan?

 

“I barely know her, Yuna. I’m already praising her by saying she looks okay.” 

 

“Fine, then is she pretty?” Why is she asking the obvious? 

 

“Above average, I guess.” Lying through my teeth, I see

 

“Ate, if she’s above average lang then I must be average lang!”

 

Tinignan ko sya ng masama kahit na hindi nya mapapansin because of my sunglasses, “What are you saying? Binaba mo lang ba yung sarili mo for that girl?”

 

“It’s because alam ko naman yung totoo.” Now she’s rolling her eyes at me? “Why can’t you just admit that she’s pretty? Ang tigas mo, Ate.”

 

Bakit ba kami nagtatalo over dito?

 

And ano naman kung nagagandahan ako sa Jimin na yun?! 

 

Ever since nagsend sya ng picture nagandahan na ‘ko kay Jimin. What about it?!

 

 “Fine, she’s pretty. Ano naman kung maganda sya sa paningin ko?”

 

Biglang tumili si Yuna at niyakap pa ako. 

 

What the hell is wrong with my sister?

 

“Then date her!”

 

“What?!” Hindi ko napigilan yung sigaw ko, “You’re saying nonsense, mas lalong sumasakit ulo ko.” 

 

“You two would make a lovely couple, Ate. Si Ate Jimin ang perfect para sayo.” Bakit parang binubugaw ako ng kapatid ko?

 

“Yuna, I barely know her." Who am I kidding? Halos kilala ko na nga sya because of Yuna's kwentos pero hindi enough okay? Kailangan ako makakita ng ugali nya mismo! "Tsaka, what makes you think na papatol ako sa babae?” 

 

Yes, Jimin might look that good and I might have a small crush on her pero that’s it. 

 

Hindi enough yun to date her.

 

Plus, I’m literally her mother’s boss! 

 

She’s working part time na rin sa family namin so that makes me her boss.

 

That’s so inappropriate and my parents wouldn’t like it.

 

“Ate, gender is not important. Everyone wants a Yu Jimin!”

 

Napataas ako ng kilay, “I’m not part of that ‘everyone’, Yuna.” 

 

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