005: 

Since that day, amazingly I’ve been seeing Jiyong. Like, always. In the trains even if I didn’t intentionally follow him, in the cafeteria, in the library. He seems like he’s everywhere. 

But, I am happy I get to know him better. Every time we’ll see each other, he will give me his precious smile. Those smile that I am dying to see everyday. He will talk to me and walk alongside with me; not hiding those jealous stares that those es gives. And damn, every night I always imagine him sleeping right next to me. Enveloping me in his loving embrace. 

Damn. I’m starting to realise that I am doing this again. I bit my lower lip. I don’t want to become like this again. Every damn time I’m starting to observe someone, it will always end up chaotic and me having a broken heart. The last time I did that, I end up being sent to Seoul so my parents can fix the mess I made. I don’t want it. I love Jiyong…

However, even if we are starting to have a common ground, I’m starting to have these emotions again. Every time I am seeing him talking to his common friends, most especially if it’s a girl, there’s an evil feeling known as jealousy and hatred rising. I want to strangle the girl. I want to really end up her life. And because I can’t do that, I end up spreading rumours about that girl on her SNS account. 

“How are you?” He asked as we walk together towards the train station. It’s almost 8PM and this time, I’m not the one who’s waiting. Jiyong waited for me so we can go home together. 

“I’m fine.” I said with a smile. This is the same smile I am wearing since the day we went to the Music Library. 

On that day…

After I silently and slowly went closer to him, I crouched. I want to get close, closer. Just a few inches and I started to close my eyes. Is this really the reality? He is just a few inches away from me. This is literally breathing the same air. 

I look at his face. He is indeed handsome. But I know I didn’t love him because of that. He is beyond a handsome face. It was his genuine smile and his kindness. I wanted to reach for his face, to touch his nose, to caress his gentle face. 

My heart is aching as my frustrations were rising. This is why it’s so hard to fall in-love with someone. You become greedy. Right now, I want Jiyong for myself alone. I want him to only look at me; to only love me. Jiyong loves me, he loves me so much…

“I…I want to tell you so many things, Jiyong.” I started to talk to him. I slowly brush my finger to his soft hair. I can’t help it, I smelled his hair. Fck… “The day I met you, I knew that you will be something. You are not just an ordinary guy, Ji.” 

I was staring long at his lips. It is thin. Moist. Pink. Fck… Did I just imagined that I kissed him? Fck. Now, I want to do it…  How does it feel to be kissed with those lips? Is it soft? Is it warm? I closed my eyes again and imagined those lips were kissing me, kissing my body, leaving marks telling everyone that I am his.

My greediness is eating me again. I unconsciously wetted my lips using my tongue. I am just a few inches, determined to steal a kiss, when Jiyong slowly opened his eyes. 

My eyes widened. “J-Jiyong?” I gasped. 

“Did I just sleep?” He said with a smile on his face. There is no sign of him being shocked with our distance. 

“U-uhm.” I answered. 

I pulled myself away from him. Fck… even if Jiyong loves me too, I don’t want him to know that I was about to steal a kiss from him! I thought. But Jiyong grabbed my arm making me unable to move. “J-Jiyong…?” 

“Why is you face so close to me?” 

“E-Eh?” I looked away. Jiyong held both of my cheeks, motioning it to look at him. “J-Jiyong…?”

“I’ve been observing you, Sandara.” He said. And again, those amused look. It gives me chill. 

“W-What do you mean?” 

“I don’t want to assume but you are obviously looking at me intently.” He said with a chuckle. “I know it’s not the first time we are riding at the same train. I noticed that too. During lunch time, you’re always sitting at my back. Most of the time you will be outside of my room.” 

“I-I’m sorry… I-I am not fo-following you…” I said, nervously. “I am not. I’m seriously…”

Fck! Fck! Fck! Is this the time that he will be scared of me? That he will not give me his smile? That he will be disgusted of me? 

He shook his head with a smile on his face. “I just want to confirm something…” 

From my arm, his hand went towards my neck making me goosebumps. He is caressing my hair, down to my neck, and again to my hair. I unconsciously closed my eyes. It’s fcking … 

“J-Jiyong…” I said, in a tiny voice. I look at him, he’s still intently looking at me. “J-Jiyong…” 

“You are attracted to me.” He said to me. I wanted to know if he’s happy. I wanted to know if he’s shocked. Or if he’s disgusted. 

“I…” I closed my lips, it trembled. I’m about to cry. 

The moment he will say that he hates me and he’s scared of me and he’s disgusted because I am observing him and he wanted me out of his life, I think I might kill him. 

He loves me, right? He’s just… he’s just shy to confess to me. I know he loves me. Jiyong loves me. He can’t be disgusted because I followed him everyday. He can’t be disgusted just because I have pictured of him on my wall. He can’t be disgusted that I am playing with myself imagining that it was him! 

I love him. I love him so much. I can’t imagine him not being mine. I can’t imagine my life without him. It will be worthless. 

“I-I l-like y-you.” I mumbled. I shook my head as I disagree to my own words. “No, no, I don’t like you. I love you. I love you Jiyong. I love you so much…” I look at him, directly to his eyes, feeling nervous. My tears were falling. My thoughts were all scattered. I am frustrated. “I…”

His eyes darted on me. He sat down. He gently pulled me closer to him and made me sit on his lap. I gasped. We are too close.  Although my hands were shaking, he held them. Gently, caressing them. His hands…his hands. It gives me warm feeling; it’s… it’s as if it’s saying that everything will be alright. That it doesn’t matter. 

“Do you really like me? No, do you really love me?” 

“Yes…”

“Then, let’s go out Sandara.” 

Yes, it’s not surprising that I am seeing him in the train or in the cafeteria or in the library because I am finally dating Kwon Jiyong.