“Remember your cousin, Donghae? He will now live with us.” My mother said as she gently smile at my cousin. 

I look at him, Lee Donghae. He look so bad: he has bruises and stitches and with a broken leg. I can’t identify the hyung I used to play with when we were still kids.  

“Hyung, are you a gangster?” I asked, curious. 

“Jiyong!” My mom yelled. I look at her with a ‘What?’ look. 

“Ah, this? I got into an accident.” He briefly answered. 

I just shrug. Boring… I thought. Days has passed and the hyung I used to hang-out were slowly going back. He went back to school after a few months (after getting rid of the crutches) and we started to play basketball. I have an older sister and maybe the reason why I’ve got this huge admiration of Donghae is because he is like a reliable older brother to me. I must admit, I do admire him. 

And as months turned to year, I’ve notice the changes in both of us. Hyung always smile a lot and started to go out. He becomes lively and I am glad. I heard what really happened to his family. If it happened to me, I might go crazy. 

Well as for me, I’m starting to look for fun. I skip classes and play. But even if I played with a lot of girls, there’s something lacking. It’s always been like this ever since I was a kid- the lack of attention from my parents made me look for something. The toys they buy for me is useless. It’s something that can easily be broken. I’ve always wanted something that is opposite to that. Something that I can hold that others can’t have: something that even if I push it away from me or no matter how much I try to break it, it just won’t.

“You’ve got a girlfriend?” I asked while sipping Cola. We just finished playing basketball.  

Donghae smiled at me- and the smile totally reached to his eyes. “Yeah.” 

“Congratulations.” I joked while laughing. “Why don’t you bring her here?” 

“Nah, she might dump me and date you instead.” 

I laughed. But surprisingly, I am not happy. I felt a pang of envy towards him. He may lost his parents but he found someone who can be with him. I also want that… I thought. 

Years had passed and still, the ‘mystery girl’ that hyung’s dating remains a mystery. I don’t know how she looks like. He won’t show her face. But the way hyung speaks about her, I think she is very beautiful and kind and warm. Like a breathe of fresh-air. 

“She has a very calm and beautiful face. His nose were perfect and her smile can be an equivalent to cancer vaccine.” 

I chuckled. “Of course she’s perfect in your eyes. Damn! You’re fcking in love!”

 “You will know why I am saying this if you will meet her.” 

“Then, let’s hang-out.” I said, trying to convince him. “Is she a coffee person? We can meet at a Coffee Shop.” 

Donghae just smile. “Soon.” 

Now, I am very curious of his girlfriend.

But, all of a sudden, hyung started to get grumpy. And it’s not going good because he’s starting to drink so much alcohol. 

“Problem?” 

He looked at me as he chuckled. “Yeah.” 

“Girl?” I asked, as I took a sip of my drink.

“She might leave me.” 

I’ve never seen him weep like this. He was crying and drinking. His girlfriend… how can she make him like this? Hyung look so devastated, just the thought of her leaving him. And the envious me wanted something like her. A girl like her that can make him feel so many emotions; a girl like her that will make him so crazy, that he might die just the thought of losing her. Fck, I want her… I thought. 

And then on a random day, police came to our house telling us the he committed suicide. Apparently, he tried to kill his girlfriend too. The girl survived but he didn’t. He overdosed. This girl’s parents were trying to send her away for College and he got so mad- too mad trying to kill her. 

Funny it may seem but I got mad at hyung, in a split second. Why would he try to kill her? Is he out of his mind? I haven’t seen her yet! I haven’t known the girl who made my cousin go crazy. I must be insane, for getting mad for that reason. I must be insane, for being so crazy about this mysterious girl. 

On the day of the burial, I was expecting to see her but she didn’t come. I waited for almost 6 hours, but I never saw her, even her shadow. I had in my hand, the letter Donghae was about to send before he died. I want to give it to her personally that’s why I waited and waited, but she didn’t come. 

“Damn...”

I cursed after reading all the love letters. Hyung might hate me for looking for his precious belongings, but I want to know her more. More than just his stories. More than just the girl who made him crazy. 

Sandara... 

That was the name of his girlfriend. It’s unusual to have someone who has a 3-syllable name. I read her letters everyday, I stare at her photo before I sleep. Everyday, I am doing that and something in me changed. I felt alive. I felt loved. Fck. 

I don’t know what’s going in my mind but I want to fcking meet her! Fck, I’m going crazy. I want her for me. I want her to kiss me, I want her to be by my side. I don’t know why I was so drawn to her. Maybe because she is my cousins girlfriend? Or I was so jealous of Hyung to the point of wanting what he has? I know, she isn’t like other girls. She isn’t the type who will pretend to like me just because I am rich. 

“Fck, I want to see her…” 

Years have passed, her picture and the letter she wrote kept me alive. I am excited to go in the city, wishing I might bump into her. I’ve memorise every single detail of her face. I’ve memorised all the letters she wrote for me. I am crazy, I am obsessed with her. I want her in my life. 

And the Gods might be listening to my plea, when I visited Hyung, I saw a girl. She was silently sitting beside his grave, singing. I was curious so I went closer. 

“D-Donghae...”

The moment I heard her say those words, , I’ve got an . I smiled there’s no need to confirm. This girl is Sandara. 

I casually sat beside her. Fck. I just want to hug her so tight. 

“I-I miss you so much…” Her voice cracked. She didn’t notice me yet. She was silently crying. 

“It’s been years since he died.” I started a conversation. “W-Why are you—“

“I killed him.” She mumbled. She lifted her head and look at me. “If it wasn’t for me, he… he…” 

I chuckled. “He decided to end his life. It’s not your fault.” 

“No…” 

She cried, for an hour. And I was just there, silently wishing she’ll stop crying. I wish she will stop crying for another man. If she will cry, I want to be the reason for it. 

“Give me your hand.” I said. 

She didn’t move so I grab her hand. And started to draw a flower on her hand. I like this flower and through the years of reading her letters, I find her innocence lovable. Just like that flower. 

“W-What are you doing…?”

“We will see each other soon.” 

She look at me clueless. “…” 

“And when that happens, you will go crazy over me. And I really hope, that you will recognise me because I will break you and love you at the same time…” 

“Paps! Just shoot the ball!” Byeol shouted. 

“Okay.” I was dribbling the ball and finally shoot it. 

“Hyung!” Byeol shouted. 

Dal just shrug as he strum his guitar. “ I don’t want to play anymore.” 

“Tss. KJ!” Byeol hissed. His temper is really something. It’s way different when he’s still a kid. 

“You know I am not athletic like you.” Dal mumbled. 

“At least try, will you.”

“Ok, ok. What’s our golden rule?” I asked, while laughing. 

“Never fight especially if mom is at sight.” 

I smiled. It’s been 10 years and now the twins are now growing-up. Both of them were growing so fast, I still can’t believe we are ok now. 

I worked hard to earn their trust, especially Dal. Dal has been so awkward to me. At first, he doesn’t recognise me as his father unlike Byeol who was so excited knowing that his father is here. It took me a year to earn his trust. And not just his trust, but also Dara’s. 

It was never easy. She was still scared and doesn’t trust me. She kept on asking me if I will hurt her again and I am so and to myself because I caused doubts and hurt her up to this point. 

“Ok! The cake is here!” 

“Ma!” Dal shouted as he run towards Dara. 

“Mommy’s boy!” Byeol teased but eventually came running towards their mom. We all know that we all love her so much.

I smiled. I’ve never thought I can see a sight like this. The mistakes I’ve made in the past is not worth-telling for. I was ashamed I did that to her. Because of my obsession about breaking her, I’ve hurt her so much. 

I embraced her and give her a peck on the lips. “Are you fine?” 

She chuckled. “Of course, I am. I just bake, come on.” 

“You must be tired.” 

“Uhmmm, excuse me. Parents, I think we should start eating.” Byeol said. 

“Mom, I want to sit beside you.” Dal said with a smile. 

“No! I will sit beside mom!” Byeol ranted. 

Dal chuckled and look at Byeol with a smirk. “Now, who’s the mommy’s boy?” 

“Argh!” 

“Alright, both of you can sit beside me. Ok?” She said while laughing. 

“How about Pops?” 

“Mom can sit on my lap.” 

And then, we are all laughed. I was lucky I’ve got another chance to be with her. And this time, I will never, ever try to make her sad.

I know this story is not great but I want to thank you all for giving time and effort in reading this story :)