I still love him but I can’t accept the fact that he violated me. I can’t accept it but even if I kept on asking myself, I kept on going back to the same answer: I love him. I couldn’t do anything about it. I can’t stop myself from loving him. It was more than just my silly ‘crush’; it was more than just a cover-up because Dongahe isn’t here anymore. 

I love Jiyong but I am hurting and scared. I was hurt because I don’t want to love him. I feel disgusted to myself because I still love him- despite of what he did to me. 

But despite of the disgust that I felt, I miss him. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I don’t know if what he showed to me was his genuine feeling- or was it part of his manipulation? 

I wiped my tears and hugged him. “Shhhh….” 

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Dara.” 

I gave him a warm smile. Ahhh, how did I manage to stay sane without him by my side? 

“Please, please give me another chance.” He begged. He hug me tighter as my lips trembled. I am trying to restrain myself from crying. “I… I’ve changed.” 

I nod and hugged him back. “I…I know…” 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

And we both cried: He cried, asking for my forgiveness and I cried because I want myself to be honest and be free. I still love you, Ji… 

We were practically living in Jiyong’s house for almost a month now. I don’t know how he convinced my parents but when we went back home, our things were already packed. It’s as if they’re waiting for this day to happen. My dad and Jiyong were talking in the garden as the maids put our luggages to Jiyong’s car. They were seriously talking. 

“I-I protected you at all cost, Dara.” My mom said as she cry and hug me. “I don’t want you to be hurt again.” 

I cried as I hug her back. “I k-know mom. I’m sorry if I failed you.” 

“You didn’t fail me, Dara.” My mom said as she wipe my tears from my cheeks. “You grew-up as person with a very good heart. As much as me and your dad wanted to protect you from pains, it’s… it’s so hard. I don’t want to cage you so I let you decide for your own.” 

“Thank you.” 

After the time that we both cried, Jiyong and I were a bit awkward with each other. Most of the time he’s just in the house and doing his work. He is now an Engineer. While I am take care of the kids, I am also preparing for the licensure exam for my pre-med course. 

“G-Good morning.” I mumbled. 

“Good morning.” He said while giving me a warm smile. “Coffee?” 

“S-Sure.” 

And then, silence filled the kitchen. It’s still 6AM and I don’t know why I woke up so early. The kids were still sleeping and the maids will come here before 11AM. He was silently making me a coffee and I can’t help but admire his smiling face. It’s just like before: I admire him for being him. 

“Here.” 

“T-Thanks.” 

We unconsciously look at each other as we sip the coffee making us laugh. 

“It’s awkward?” 

I chuckled. “Y-Yeah. Umm, do you want to talk at the veranda?”

“Sure.”  

“H-Hows your review going?” He casually asked as we started to walk towards the veranda. We both checked the room of the twins first, checking it they’re already awake. 

“Fine, I guess.” I commented as I sat at the hammock. “Good thing, I’ve got enough time to review.” 

He sat down beside me making me flinch. My heart started to beat so fast as his elbow touched mine. “Aren’t the kids disturbing you?” 

I giggled. “Nope. Everything is doing just fine.” 

We sat there, silently drinking our mug of coffee. I’ve always wanted to live in a house like this: away from the toxic city, drinking coffee early in the morning. 

“This house…” He said, as if breaking the silence. “D-Do you remember this?” 

I looked at him. “Huh…?”

“The swimming pool, the mini-court, the hammock at the veranda and the garden full of succulent and flowers.” 

My eyebrows furrow, trying to remember but I just can’t. I heard him chuckle. He stand-up and reached for my hand. “Let’s go to my room. I will show you something.” 

We were now walking towards his room with a pounding heart. A part of me is nervous because we are holding hands but a big part of me is nervous because we are entering his room! We live in the same house but I sleep with the twins. This will be the first time I’ll be entering his room. 

Upon entering, the first thing that I saw is our picture together hanged on the wall. It was when we were still dating. I remember him posting it on his IG before. He was still dragging me when we entered to his work room. It was organised: the books and papers were messily organised. 

“Just sit wherever you like. And I’m sorry if it’s a bit messy.” 

And then he ignored me and started looking at the shelves. I roam my gaze and saw our pictures with the twins on his working table. Our picture when we are still dating. My heart ached. I bit my lower-lip as I suppress the tears. I don’t want to cry. 

“Found it!” 

I look at him as he approach me with a huge smile and with a… book? No, I think it’s a scrap book. I don’t know if my intuition is correct but…

I shriek as he pull me, making me sat on his lap. He… we were never this intimate before. 

“Ji…”

He opened the scrap book and I saw our pictures before. But it’s not just pictures, I saw some movie tickets, candy wrapper and many more. 

I look at him, confused and with trembling voice, “Ji…? W-Why do you still have this?”

“Remember when I asked you what do you want our house to look like? You made an outline in my notebook before. And… I made it happen.” 

I put my hand on on my mouth, trying to mum myself. It was there, my crooked drawing. I even marked it with a kiss. I remember we were reviewing for the upcoming exams when he asked me this random question ‘bout the house I wanted to stay. 

“Ji…” 

He chuckled. “Hey, why are you crying?” 

“W-Why…?” 

“I told you, I love you, right? I can’t get you out of my life.” He cupped my face, closing the space between us until the tip of our nose touched. I closed my eyes as I cried. “You… I can’t live without you, Dara. I am madly in love with you.” 

His lips gently touched mine. Slowly brushing them, nibbling. I placed my arms on his neck, closing our distance. I felt dizzy. It’s… it’s the same feeling I felt when I first kissed him. I’m going crazy… 

Jiyong opened my mouth using his tongue. As the kiss deepen, his hand were starting to explore my body. His other hand were on my arm while the other is now at my buttocks. My hands were still on his neck. I need to have a hold of myself. But my sense of control is slowly vanishing. Like all the walls of self-control crumbled.  

“Fck…” He groan. His lips started to kiss my cheeks, my forehead, my nose. “I miss you so much…” 

I gasped as he slowly kissed my lips. I tilted my head, giving him more access. He gently carried me as he kissed me again. I am savouring the kiss when I felt my body lying down on his soft bed. He removed the strap of my bra and gently kissed my . 

“I miss you so much, babe…” 

I gasped when I felt his hand touching me down there. I groan. Fck… We were so into it that hearing the sensor from the twins room made us froze.

“T-The twins…”

“Do you still love me, Dara?” 

I nod as I sob. Damn. Jiyong is the only person who can make me laugh, feel loved and cry at the same time. 

“I still fcking love you, Jiyong…”