“I hope this is the last time you will visit me.” My psychiatrist said as he smile at me. He gave me a lollipop, as part his therapy. “You’ve been doing well with your therapy, Dara.” 

I smiled. “Thanks, Doc.” 

My psychiatrist chuckled. “You can casually call me by my name, pabo.”

I pouted. I still can’t believe this guy! “How come you’ve become a psychiatrist when you’ve got a trashy-mouth, oppa.” 

My cousin, Seungri, just shrug. “Most probably because I love talking.” 

“I still can’t believe I entrusted my mental health to you.” I joked. 

“Your mental health is in good hands, my dear cousin.” He just said while chuckling. “Anyway, I will go to the mall and buy things for my beloved twins. I miss them so much.” 

I smiled. “Thank you very much, oppa.” 

“Of course, everything to my favourite cousin and to my twins.” 

I’ve been receiving therapy since I came back to Busan. I got depressed the moment I learned that Jiyong isn’t with me when I woke-up. And much more, the moment I heard my family filed a restraining order to Jiyong. I questioned my family if they are doing this for my sake or to punish me. I wanted to go back and be with Jiyong but, they stopped me and convince me to go on with my life without him. 

“I still can’t believe I’m starting over again.” I commented. We started walking towards the car parking to go to the mall. 

“I’m glad you really accepted the help this time.” He commented. He open the car door for me. 

I sighed. 

When Donghae died a few years ago, I was really in despair. I shut myself down, to the point of wanting to follow him. My parents were really concerned of me that they didn’t allow me to go to New Zealand for studies. Instead, I undergo psychological therapy. It has been like that for a year before I’ve decided to go to a University in Busan. 

I started acting normal. I go to school, have fun with my friends like the usual. But, it seems empty. The guilt, the sadness, the pain is still there. I kept on attending my therapy but, it didn’t change my outlook in life. It’s still empty, it’s still painful to live everyday without Donghae. 

I’m starting to think that I am really going crazy. That I don’t deserve this life because I killed Donghae. But, a big part of me keeps on believing that I am not crazy, that I am just sad and I just miss him and I am still doing fine. That the sadness in my heart is fixable; that if I just escape and runway, away from this place, I will be ok. I will be free from everything- from his memories, from the sadness. 

Seungri, he’s the only person I can talk to at that time. He didn’t judge me. He just listens to whatever my thoughts are. He says that everything will be alright. That I am not sick. 

“I need to. I don’t want to be broken again.” 

“That’s my favourite cousin!” Seungri said as he started the engine. 

So, I did my best to act normal and forget. I avoided everything that makes me remind of Donghae, of what happened. And that made me decide to go to Seoul. To escape. To forget. To heal. 

I convinced my parents to let me study in Seoul. That I will be alright. That I am fine. And then, I met him…

“I still can’t believe…” I mumbled. 

“About what?” 

“About what happened to my life… damn, what a roller-coaster.” I chuckled. 

“But, it made you stronger. Plus, you’ve got Byeol and Dal.” 

I smiled. My twins… 

We went to the mall and he started to choose toys for them. I am so happy that my family didn’t judge me; that they accepted me and my twins. Even if I got sick, they still accepted me wholeheartedly and without complains. I think their acceptance made me stronger and made me accept things a bit easier. 

“So, are we going home?” He asked while walking towards the coffee shop to get some iced coffee. “I’m so excited to see my twins reaction.” 

I chuckled. Seungri really loves my sons. “Can we visit him?” 

Seungri smiled and gently dishevel my bangs. “Of course.” 

“Thanks.” 

After getting the iced coffee, Seungri started driving towards the cemetery. I wanted to visit Donghae. His death anniversary is coming. Ever since I came back, part of my therapy is visiting him. Seeing him and talking to him made me realise that he is really not coming back. 

“You really loved him huh.” Seungri commented as he head towards the cemetery. “I can still remember the moment you told me that the two of you are dating. Damn, that was heartbreaking.” 

I rolled my eyes. “Stop it, cousin complex! Ewww!” 

“Don’t say such ‘Ewww’ because I can’t accept that my favourite cousin is dating at the age of 16!” He ranted. “I even followed you when you were on you first date as an official couple!” 

“You—what?!” I reacted, still can’t believe I am hearing it right now. 

“Yeah. That’s why I understand your pain before.” 

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.” I said as I look at the car window as we pass the tall trees. “Talking about him doesn’t hurt anymore.” 

“Because you’ve accepted it.” He said. He made a right-turn. “Losing the one you love, it’s really hard. Many people got really hurt, sad and devastated. But, life must goes on. You are alive, maybe it’s his will that you didn’t die on that day with him.” 

“If it was the me before you are talking with, I will not agree to this statement.” I commented. “It’s very painful living without him. Every waking day is like a torture; every smile I show is like re-opening the scar. I kept on thinking ‘What if he’s here…’ or ‘I wonder what he will say if I dress like this…’ and it’s making me sad again.” 

“Well, it’s a good thing you are doing well now. You can’t forget him, I know, but I am happy you’ve forgiven yourself, Dara. It was not your fault.” 

I smiled. The car stopped and he opened the door for me. 

“Do you want to come with me?” I asked. I pulled-out the flower from the back-seat. 

“Nah, I better call your mom so I can see the twins.” 

“Tch. I’ll be right back in a few minutes.” 

“It’s fine. Take your time.” 

I started walking towards Donghae’s graveyard. I bought this time his favourite flower- red tulips. When I saw his graveyard, I smiled. 

“How are you, Donghae?” I asked. 

I touched the stone that engraves his name.   

“Well, as for me, I am doing fine. I’m done with my therapy, I guess.” I said with a smile. “Ah, flowers for you. Red Tulips. I searched for the meaning of this flower. Damn, you are such a romantic person, I almost vomit rainbows.” 

The silence made me sigh. “I wonder if you are still alive. Are we dating? Or broken-up?” I chuckled. “Anyways, my twins will be turning 2 soon. They are so cute and adorable.”

“I am happy now, Donghae.” I said with a smile. “With the help of my twins, my heart is genuinely happy. They give me strength. A-Although I sometimes miss their f-father, I… I just accepted the fact that maybe, he is not for me.” 

A moment of silence filled the air. 

“Well, I need to go home because I miss my kids.” I said. “Bye, Donghae.” 

Every time I talk to Donghae, the heavy feeling in my heart disappears. Even if he’s not with me anymore, he’s still giving me comfort and strength just like the usual. 

When I was walking towards the car park, I saw a man walking towards me. He is wearing a cap and a glasses so I can’t really see him. I just shrug because it’s unusual to see someone visits at this time. The moment he walked past me and inhaled the familiar scent, my heart starts to beats so fast. It’s very familiar. It felt like… home. 

I immediately looked back as I realise that it’s not just familiar; that it’s not just an ordinary scent. But the moment I turned my heard, I see no one. 

I sighed as I continued walking. 

“I must be hallucinating.” 

“Did something happened?” Seungri asked as I approach him, concerned. 

“N-Nah, let’s go home.”