004: 

I am certain that I really like Jiyong. No, let’s scratch that. I am definitely in-love with Jiyong. Well if I’m not, why am I following him right now? It’s been minutes since we’ve decided to ditch the whole day class. This isn’t my first time though; I am ditching some of my subjects just to observe Jiyong. Whenever he goes to the Botanical Garden just to play with his guitar or if he will go to the library to sleep or go to the farthest comfort room in the University just to make-out with his toys. I am always observing him. I know him so well. 

“A-are you really sure that you-you’re fine bringing me here?” I asked. I still can’t believe it. We are now entering the Music Library that is newly opened a few months ago. I was planning to go here next weekend to unwind. I blushed. It’s as if Jiyong knows what’s running on my mind. 

Jiyong smiled. “Of course! Aren’t you excited…to be with me?” 

I looked at him with a confused look. He seems confident with his words although I didn’t heard his last few words. “E-Eh?” 

He placed his hand at the top of my head and dishevel my already disarranged bangs. “I want to spend the whole day with you.” 

“E-Eh?!” I exclaimed. A bit shocked with his sudden honesty. “W-Why?!” 

Fck! I want to scream my lungs out. My heart is beating so fcking hard and fast. I am happy; I am floating in the air. But, I am confused and nervous too. 

Why does he want to be with me for the whole day? Why is he talking to me even if he just met me an hour ago? Why is he so friendly to me? Why is he so nice to me? Damn. Why I love Jiyong this much?  

“I’m also curious.” He said with a meaningful smile. “I don’t know. I want to talk to you and know you better.” 

I look at him with my mouth wide-open. Is he even real? Know me better? 

I looked away. His stares were so intense, I can’t look at him. If he want to know me better, does that mean he has feelings for me? 

Be still, my heart… I mumbled to myself. The thought of him liking me makes me want to kiss him right now. It makes these butterflies in my stomach go wild. If he has feelings for me, we can date, right? And we will be couple: wear couple shirts, rings and other stuffs. He will go to my apartment and take care of me if I get sick or I will go to his apartment, do his laundry and cook him dinner and…we can make love. I can hug him tight, sleep next to him, I can kiss him anytime and even take a bath together. I… I will know more things about him. 

“U-Uhm…” Fcking idiot! I thought. I think I am having a cerebral malfunction right now. No, no. This is just a natural reaction. 

“We’ve got a long day to talk about a lot of things…” He said as he hold my right hand and drag me towards the library. And I am not strong enough to resist it…rather, I don’t want to resist it. 

“Why do you hate dogs?” 

“I told you, I was bitten when I was still a kid…” 

“Your name is unusual but I know where is comes from. It’s from General Kim Yushin who’s childhood name is San Sa Ra, right?”

My eyes widened. Not everyone knows that thing. “How did you know?” 

He chuckled. “I’m also into History.” 

“What is your favourite colour?” 

“Yellow and white.” He answered. “But I prefer white. Simple and neat.”

“D-Do you have…” I am still reluctant to ask this. I’ve seen this when I went to his apartment but I still want to know it from him. 

“What?” 

“Do you have a ta-tattoo?” 

I am reluctant to look at him but it felt like I need to see his eyes. And surprisingly, he’s looking at me again with those eyes. He seemed amused. 

“Why do you ask? Have you seen it?” He asked, sounding like he’s trying to know something from me. 

I looked away. “I-I’m just curious. T-That’s all!” 

He leaned forward, closing our distance. We are in the recording room, he’s strumming his guitar as I sit adjacent to him. “Hmmmm. It seems like you are very curious about me.” 

“Y-You are quite famous!” I exclaimed. I don’t want to sound so nervous and defensive. “A-A lot of girls has a crush on y-you…” 

He chuckled and pinched my cheeks. “I am not famous.” 

“You are…” I mumbled. “Everyone seems to like you…and I hate that…” I whispered. I bit my lower lip as I suppress these emotions. It felt like any minute from now I will tell him that I love him. 

“And I am not interested with those girls…” 

“Tch.” I reacted making him laugh. “W-Why? Why are you laughing?” 

He gave me a knowing look. “Those girls are just nothing because… I am interested with someone else as of the moment…”   

My eyebrows furrowed as I stand-up. Fck. Fck. Fck! Is he seeing someone right now? Who’s that btch? I didn’t know her!  What makes her interesting, huh? Is she beautiful? Smart? y? Tall? 

Again, I unconsciously lifted my hand and started to bit my thumb. These thoughts makes me want to scream and burn this damn room. I am so angry right now. The moment I will know about that girl, I will strangle her using my hands and drown her. Or I will throw a hot water on her face. 

“Oh, where are you going?” 

“I’ll just buy something. Stay here.” 

Fck. Fck. I thought. I slammed the door, I don’t know what is Jiyong’s thinking about my sudden anger. Jiyong, I thought you wanted to talk to me? I thought you want to know me better? I thought… I thought you love me? That you want me to become your girlfriend? That we will live happily? Forever? 

My tears were starting to fall from my eyes. My heart fcking hurst! I thought…I thought I am fine with him dating someone else. I am knowledgable enough to know that he is very playful. That he can’t do serious relationship. But fck it, I don’t want to be his toy! I just want him to love me. 

I started to laugh silently. “I’m such a fcking idiot…” I mumbled. 

Jiyong won’t fcking like someone like me. I am ugly. With an ugly past. That past that I wanted to carry along with me until I die. 

“Maybe he won’t tell me he love me, yeah, he won’t tell me right now.” I mumbled and again, smiled. Of course, this is not romantic. He can’t profess his love for me like this. Maybe he is preparing for a surprise for me. Yes, that’s it. Maybe, maybe, he’s just playing jokes. Oh, maybe, when I got back he will embrace me and say sorry. And he will kiss me while saying ‘I’m sorry…’. 

I smiled. I started to brush my hair using my finger, wipe the dried tears on my cheeks. 

With that thought in my mind, I went to the bar counter and ordered for a drinks. My mood suddenly got lifted. I also ordered cake. It’s a shame they don’t serve Ganging gaejang. It’s his favourite. It took me few minutes before I got all the orders. I opened the door of the room and there, I saw him sleeping soundly on the couch. He look so peaceful. Like an angel. 

I placed the tray on the table and went closer to him. I crouched making my whole body facing him. I lifted my hand, a bit hesitant to touch his face. I can stare at his face forever. 

“I love you, Jiyong…” I whispered as I kiss his lips.