Waking up, Minju slowly blinks her eyes trying to adjust to the light and groaning internally for not closing the curtains before she went to sleep last night. She flips to the other side, smiling as a familiar scent hits her.

Opening her eyes, she stares at nothing – an empty space beside her, the scent of someone that changed her life was the only thing left to remind her that the certain person is real, that Hyewon is real and it wasn’t all a dream.

She laid on her back as she grabs a pillow, the pillow that Hyewon always used. Staring at the ceiling, not caring if she would be late for work. It’s been months, specifically a year she last saw Hyewon.

And it’s like Minju is living in a loop of nothing, her dreams consisting of Hyewon – sometimes their memories together, other times it would just be made up things inside her mind. Things that they didn’t manage to do because…

Because of her.

Because of fate.

Because of life.

Remembering her dream, Minju suddenly loses her ability to think – it was that snowy night again, it’s been the same dream for the past few days. She misses the ones with their memories. Then slowly, just like since Hyewon left, she started her morning with tears.

The first morning since Hyewon left, Minju broke down in the middle of the night – the moment she felt that Hyewon wasn’t there beside her, it was rough to the point that she didn’t bother to call Chaewon about work. Minju was lost, she doesn’t know what to do – not when she agreed with Hyewon with her decision, knowing all too well that Hyewon means good.

Just like all the mornings, Minju sat up and grabbed the music box that Hyewon gave to her – it’s been her routine since she could remember, she already memorized every tune in the music box. But it’s like a whole new experience every time she plays it as if everything is alright – even just for a few minutes.

She closes her eyes as she lets the music consume her, hugging the pillow tighter – the faint scent of the older girl hitting her and making her feel at home.

/

It’s been 3 days since that night, 3 days since Hyewon didn’t return, and decided to sleep at Sakura’s. Three days since Minju has been sleeping alone, accepting and waiting for Hyewon to come back – for them to talk about it.

And in those three days, it’s like a never-ending talk with everyone – on how she broke the news to Hyewon’s friends, and she couldn’t blame them. The look on their faces, even Chaewon was disappointed in her.

She couldn’t blame them because Minju was also disappointed in herself as well.

Sakura quietly walked out, not sparing a glance with Chaeyeon following her. Yuri and Yena looked at her, the latter blinking away her tears and shaking her head as if not wanting to believe everything that Minju just said. But Yuri just pulled Yena up and walked out, just like Sakura did.

Yujin and Wonyoung were just quietly sitting inside her apartment, Eunbi and the two other Japanese were quiet. Letting everything sink in, Nako and Hitomi couldn’t even look at her – while Eunbi was looking at Minju, she couldn’t bear to look at the older girl.

“We’ll go out,” Hitomi said in her mother tongue, and Minju deciphers what she said with the way she stood up followed by Nako. Unlike the 4 people who left, the two of them paused in front of the door.

“I hope you’re going to be okay, Minju,” Nako said quietly, offering a small smile that didn’t even reach her eyes.

Minju looked down, not answering the girl because there’s nothing she could say – she’s not sure if it would be okay.

“Minju,” Eunbi called the younger girl, and Minju couldn’t help but to let her tears fall – it’s just the way the older girl said her name. No hint of resentment, as if she understands Minju – but she doubts Eunbi understands her.

“I don’t know what to say,” Eunbi said quietly, looking down as well when Minju didn’t meet her eyes. She feels heavy, as if everything is pulling her down. She couldn’t imagine how Minju and Hyewon are feeling, they all know that their relationship won’t be easy.

But they didn’t expect this kind of twist.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Minju said in a monotone, it’s the truth. She doesn’t need words of comfort because there’s no words that could comfort her – and if someone needs those words, it would be Hyewon.

Eunbi sighed, looking at the other three girls – Chaewon, Yujin, and Wonyoung before standing up. She walks closer to Minju before putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, squeezing the younger girl slightly.

“We’re still your friends, remember that.” She said quietly before walking away, nodding her head at the three before leaving the apartment.

She doubts everyone went home without feeling heavy, this is one hell of a mess for everyone.

“What are you planning now?” Wonyoung asked when Eunbi left, Yujin and Chaewon glanced at her before waiting for Minju’s answer.

“Nothing,” Minju answered, “I don’t know, I just – “

Yujin knows Minju needs someone, but she couldn’t help herself. “Why did you drive that night?” She blurts out and immediately felt guilty when she saw Minju winced.

Silence.

“If you didn’t drive then Sora would sti –“

Minju then stood up, something inside her just wanting to burst out but she was too tired – she doesn’t need anyone to rub salt on the wound. It has been done, she’s been doing that for weeks now and it didn’t do any good. She looks at Yujin and she could see how guilty the girl is but she couldn’t blame her – Sora is, was her friend.

Someone important to her.

And that thing inside Minju just kept bubbling, until it started to consume her – she could feel the hot tears at the edge of her eyes, threatening to fall down, any second now but she composed herself. But that didn’t stop the hot and merciless flame inside her, the searing hot guilt that she couldn’t even touch.

In the end, she could only mutter one thing.

“I’m going to sleep.” She said silently, a silent plea – a hidden message of some sorts. I’m sorry, I want to disappear.

They need time to rest.

Just like that, she entered her room the only indication is the soft click from her door. The somber mood in the whole apartment just doubled, weighing the 3 people down. Wonyoung was looking at Yujin, she doesn’t know what to say to the girl.

She doesn’t know what to think of the whole situation.

“You’ve crossed a line, you know that?” Chaewon said coldly, “I’m not saying this to save Minju, because we all know she’s partially at fault.”

Yujin kept quiet and Wonyoung just took a deep breath, “Minju-unnie needs rest, we should go now.”

And it’s like Yujin found her voice at that moment, “Will she be alright?”

Chaewon looks at her before walking away, not bothering to answer, even Wonyoung didn’t answer her. Yujin stood there for a moment, staring at Minju’s closed door. Who was she kidding, it would be a long time before everything will be alright.

And they are right because as they leave the apartment, Minju was down on her floor leaning against the door. She couldn’t bring herself to walk towards her bed as she cries silently to herself, she couldn’t bring herself to do so when all she can remember is who should’ve been by her side.

A person who she pushed away because of her own fear and guilt.

A person who she loves dearly, someone that went through an intense amount of pain because of her.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She says repeatedly to no one, only to herself.

She knows damn well that her apologies won’t undo the sin that she has committed, and perhaps she deserves it.

Maybe she deserves everything that is burning inside her – after all, this couldn’t compare to the pain that Hyewon dealt with.

And pain demands to be felt.

And so, she does.

//

The second day without Hyewon, without anyone besides her – Minju didn’t bother to reach out to the others, but she did contemplate if she could send a message to Hyewon. But she chose not to.

Space. She thought, they need space from each other to think. It’s the least thing she could do for Hyewon.

She woke up feeling nothing, couldn’t remember how she got to her bed but she didn’t dwell on that. Walking out of her room, she went straight to the kitchen and suddenly everything just aches inside her.

It’s kind of funny, absurd in a sense that she feels everything all at once when she didn’t see Hyewon in the kitchen doing her usual thing. How the older girl would always be there cooking something for them, or just grabbing some toasts.

It’s the feeling of being whole yet empty that gets her, to see all the things that remind her of Hyewon, the unseen marks that the older girl left – only for the actual person not to be there.

Which is why when she the toaster, she couldn’t help but to laugh at herself – humor not present. She looked at the burnt toast in front of her and she remembers the first morning she had with Hyewon. And if she didn’t throw away the toast and decided to eat it, she kept quiet.

Then out of nowhere, there was a knock on her door around afternoon – knowing that she wasn’t expecting anyone, Minju plans to ignore it but the knock kept coming as if the person won’t go anywhere.

Groaning from her position, she walks to her door and she didn’t bother to hide her annoyed expression when she opens it. “What?”

“Minju, what happened to you?”

She blinks for a moment; it was her parents. Right, of course they would go here after the that happened, especially when she keeps on ignoring their invitation and messages. Not even accepting her father in his own building.

Minju didn’t smile at them, nodding her head in acknowledgment. She can’t run away now since they are both in front of her which is why she just opened the door for them, ignoring the worried looks coming from both of her parents.

“Were you crying?”

It’s her father and she couldn’t help but to laugh humorlessly, she just went inside the kitchen to grab them some water. Not bothering to ask them anymore.

“Where’s Hyewon?” Her mother asked.

And Minju couldn’t comprehend the sudden sting that she felt when she heard the older girl’s name, it was very evident with the way she paused on her movements. Minju answered not caring how her voice wavered, “She’s not here.”

Then her father cleared his throat, “Why whe – “

“She knows,” She answered back coldly, cutting him off. The way her father’s eyes dimmed and the guilt became present in a short second, she just wants to shout at him at that moment.

“About that night, she knows.” She continued and gave them their water.

It was quiet for a whole minute and Minju wished that they would just leave her alone, that they won’t pry because all she wants to have is silence. But it’s the last thing that her father would do, of course, he would do something about it.

“What can I do?” He asks worriedly and Minju cannot help it, she knows that her father is just doing something for his shortcomings but it irks her. For all the times that he wants to make up for his shortcomings, all the years that he has – it was too late for that now.

“Stop.” Minju sternly said and closed her eyes, trying to control everything and not burst out. Clinging on to that imaginary thread, hoping for it not to break.

Her mother just kept quiet and Minju was thankful for it, at least her mother has the decency to read the atmosphere and her expression. For what it’s worth, she has always been close to her mother so no wonder she knows everything about her.

And her father doesn’t.

“Please let me – “

And the thread broke.

“JUST STOP!” Minju shouts and glares at her father, “Can’t you see that you’ve done enough?!”

And she didn’t just stop there, she couldn’t stop not with all the bottled-up emotions she has with her father. She knows that what happened that night was entirely her fault; it was her decision to drive.

But maybe, pouring everything to her father will ease the pain – even just for a moment.

“If you didn’t hide it that day, if you just straight up told to my face that I hit someone then I wouldn’t be like this right now!”

Taewook then clenched his jaw, he couldn’t believe what he just heard from his daughter, and maybe it was his ego that made him answer. “And what?! Let you rot in jail for driving under influence?! And underaged?!”

Minju matched his tone, not caring if she was being disrespectful anymore. “I’d rather choose that than be right here now.” She said and stared right into his eyes, “My life is like a prison anyway.”

She said it in a defeated tone, eyes all hazy thinking about every moment that she felt she was imprisoned – the only time she felt free is when she met Hyewon, something that she did out of her own volition. When she decided to know more about the older girl, only for her to fall for the latter.

Then there’s her father, destroying everything that Minju made for herself. Though she knows it’s her own fault to begin with, and blaming someone for her own sin doesn’t empower her because it’s still her – she’s still stuck in a place because she doesn’t want to accept the painful decision.

That she was responsible for the outcome of everything – her father was just the catalyst of Minju’s reckless decision for that night.

But she doesn’t care, she kept quiet for all her life, and what’s a little bit of blaming for all the hell that her father gave her?

And so, she walked past by her parents – her mother just standing there, not doing anything. It’s not like she can do anything, this is about Minju and her father. Minju doesn’t even know what she would do if her mother decided to talk.

Because maybe at that moment, she doesn’t want to be talked to – she wants to be listened to.

“Please lock the door when you leave,” She said quietly, enough for the two adults to hear. “I need to rest.”

And she cried in her room, for the nth time of the day.

//

When she woke up the next day, she thought she was dreaming. She blearily opened her eyes, looking around and wondering who’s cooking some breakfast. She was about to go back to sleep when she heard some loud clanking from outside her room, and that’s when she realized that it wasn’t a dream.

And if someone would cook breakfast, there’s going to be only one person in Minju’s mind. Without waiting for another second, she jumped out of her bed and walked out of her room – going straight to her kitchen only to see the person that she wants to see the most.

“Hyewon.” She breathes out, looking at the girl for the first since she could remember and if this was a dream, then Minju wishes she would never wake up from it ever again.

The moment the older girl turned around, Minju just wanted to run towards her and hug her – something that would make her believe that Hyewon is indeed her in front of her but she stopped herself from it.

She needs to wait, to act and follow Hyewon’s pace – if Hyewon wants to talk then they will talk, but if Hyeown just wants to eat breakfast, then they will eat.

So, she just opted for a meek smile which was returned weakly by Hyewon. She assesses the girl’s state and she knows that they’re both a mess. How Hyewon looks slightly smaller with the way she holds herself – as if she went back to her own shell.

Just like the first time Minju met her.

“Breakfast will be ready in a few,” Hyewon said quietly and returned back to whatever she was cooking, “You can prepare your coffee or toast if you want.”

And if Minju noticed how Hyewon’s voice was quieter as usual, she didn’t mention it – she just relished and savored the moment to hear her voice again. It’s the little things that she needs right now.

She stood there for a few minutes, observing Hyewon before walking inside the kitchen and preparing her own coffee. She took a chance to talk to the girl, “Coffee?”

A beat.

Hyewon paused in her movements and Minju braced for the impending rejection – hoping that she would land softly.

“I hope we still have some hot chocolate there,” Hyewon answered and glanced back at her with a small smile, and Minju released the breath that she was holding.

“Right,” She said and nodded her head, “we still have some.”

Minju knows that as normal as they look at that moment, two people preparing breakfast together, she knows that everything changed between them. How that invisible barrier is present between the two of them – something that Hyewon decided to have, and Minju needs to respect that.

But it doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

But she’ll accept whatever she could from Hyewon, even if it’s as small and as unseen as a speck of dust. Everything is worth more than anything as long as it is from Hyewon.

She doesn’t care if she sounds desperate because maybe she is.

/

Then it happened, the impending talk happened when Hyewon asked Minju how she was doing, it would have been a normal question – but it wasn’t. Because when Minju looked up from her almost finished breakfast, her eyes connected with Hyewon’s.

That’s when she realized that there’s a weight on that question, though she was already aware of it maybe she hoped even just for a little bit that they can sit in silence. No matter how damning the silence between them could be.

And Minju thinks about what to answer to the older girl, there’s no use in lying. If anyone is aware of each other’s well-being, it would be the two of them. They both know that they are not okay.

“I’m…” She trails off, her toes twitching from nervousness under the table. Clenching her fist tightly on her fork until she could feel her nails digging into her palm, she continued. “I’ve had better days.”

She opted for something closer to the truth rather than answering that she’s okay – because, obviously she’s not.

Then she saw the small smile that Hyewon gave her and it made her relax, no matter how small and strained it was – the thing that she noticed was that there was no animosity there. Not a hint of anger, compared to the last time they saw each other.

“Me too,” Hyewon answered back and took a sip from her water, then the both of them are very much aware of the seemingly loud ticking of the clock. Aware of the loud horns coming from outside despite being high up in the building, the way the water is forming outside the glass because of it being cold.

“Let’s talk later, okay?” Hyewon asked and Minju knows that it was a rhetorical question because the older girl stood up from her seat and grabbed her now empty plate, gesturing for Minju – asking her if she’s done and the latter could only just nod her head.

And Minju was left there at the dining table, her breath hitching as she took a light whiff of Hyewon’s scent – the same as always, and it still brings her a sense of calmness.

A few minutes later but in all honesty, it felt like an hour that they found themselves sitting on the couch – just like the usual but the huge space between them says everything where they are at the moment. The reality show playing in the background just makes the atmosphere awkward, the way Minju’s fiddling with her fingers as if she just got detention.

No one was speaking, Minju wants to but she doesn’t know where to start – should she apologize? Yes, of course, she should but would that be a great thing to start a conversation? What does Hyewon want to say, what are her thoughts? How is she doing? What’s happening to her, what’s happening to them?

All of these questions running in her head in miles per hour but she couldn’t utter a single thing, she tries to open to say something but it’s like someone glued it together without her even knowing.

“I don’t know where to start.” Hyewon broke the silence with something that both of them feel.

Looking at the older girl, Minju sees Hyewon looking straight ahead her posture all relaxed but Minju knows that the older girl is all but that. Especially when Hyewon’s slightly hugging her knees, something that she noticed before – it’s like a sign that the older girl is creating a wall while having a conversation.

“I, I don’t – “ Minju shakes her head slightly, she cannot repeat what the older girl said. Hyewon is trying here and Minju should as well. “I’m sorry, I don’t know where to start as well but I know that I’m sorry.”

This is different from the last time they talked, this is much calmer – no high emotions and suffocating atmosphere. Everything is just flowing and Minju hopes that it means something good.

Hyewon glances at her and nods her head softly, “I know, I know that you are but for what?”

Minju pauses for a moment, she wonders if Hyewon is just testing her – because she thinks that they know what she is apologizing for. “For Sora, for everything. You said it, I pulled away when I could’ve talked to you about it.”

Hyewon hummed and hugged her knees closer, leaning her forehead against it – humming for Minju to continue.

“But I was scared because…” She gulps and straightens her back; she needs to get all of this out. “Because who wouldn’t? I don’t want to believe it at first because it’s something that I shouldn’t have forgotten in the first pla – “

“You were traumatized,” Hyewon cuts her off softly and looks at her with understanding – completely different from the last time where all she could see was dull eyes looking at her. “I think it was a valid reason.”

Minju nods her head slowly, “Yeah, I guess but I just, I don’t want to believe it that, !” She tries to explain but she started feeling the rapid emotions consuming her and she couldn’t help but sniffle.

“I just can’t put my mind that I was the reason,” She continued and despite the brokenness, she’s feeling, she needs to do this. “I was the reason why you lost Sora, why you started to – “

“To become like this?” Hyewon asked, and Minju kept quiet. Because yes, Hyewon did become like that because Sora was taken away from her and it was all Minju’s fault. She just wants to laugh at herself, for the words that she spewed the day Hyewon told her story about that fateful night years ago.

For her concern and understanding, she wants to laugh at herself for wanting to help Hyewon find a reason to live and play again. Because Hyewon became like that because of Minju – because of her recklessness, stupidity, and selfishness.

“I was angry,” Hyewon started when the silence stretched out too far, “that night, I just want for you to tell me that it’s not true. That it’s a joke or a prank no matter how cruel it was.”

Minju looks away because that’s what she hoped as well but it was too good to be true.

“But then I thought about it, was I angry? Or hurt? Disappointed? Betrayed?” Hyewon continued looking at her scars, wondering and hoping it will give her an answer. “And I still don’t have the answer for that because maybe it’s the combination of everything, right?”

Minju nodded her head in understanding, she wants to hug Hyewon because the latter just looks so small. But she knows she needs to be careful, Hyewon created a space for a reason and if Minju needs to wait for the latter to cross it – then she will wait no matter how long it takes.

“But I also realized that it was an accident.” Hyewon said quietly, “It’s a series of… bulls.”

“When Sora said that she wanted to breathe that night, I should’ve let her you know? I should’ve…” Hyewon chuckles wetly because of course she is crying, and she hastily wipes her tears.

“I should’ve listened to her that night, to just let her breathe. It was a huge thing for her and I was just so high in my emotions that night that I couldn’t give her a second to do what she needs.”

Minju frowns because that’s not true, Hyewon was just doing what a sister would’ve done in that situation. “No, that’s not – “

Hyewon shakes her head, “No don’t worry, I’m not blaming myself. I just realized everything that went wrong, that if my father didn’t offer Jaehyun’s parents that opening in the company then he would’ve been there in the first place.”

“It’s just bull and then,” She takes a sharp intake of breath before she continues, “you were there, right