It’s like she can feel Sooyoung’s arms still around her. Jinsoul lays in her bed, staring up at her ceiling toying with the sleeves of Sooyoung’s jacket that she’s still wearing, except this time she gladly accepts the warmth it brings.

Be with me.

Sooyoung had asked, without any doubt, Jinsoul had answered. She’s always known the answer, all she needed was to be asked the right question.

Okay.

Sooyoung didn’t say anything after that, she left and Jinsoul understood. 

Okay, I’ll be with you. 

~~~~

Sighing happily, Jinsoul continues to lose while playing Duck Hunt. Even though she hasn’t spoken to Sooyoung since that night. Jinsoul can’t help but replay the conversation over and over again in her head.

Jinsoul’s sure she has the girl wrapped around her finger. She just wishes Sooyoung would stop fighting this so much. Jinsoul wants to make this work, she has to. 

Closing one eye she aims at the screen and giggles when she misses, not even noticing someone approaching her from behind. Jinsoul smells the sweet perfume first, and then there’s the voice. That stupidly soft voice that runs all over Jinsoul, the one that used to annoy the hell out of her because it was so attractive and now it’s all she can think about.

“Your aim is off.” It’s all she says and smooth words drip like honey onto Jinsoul’s skin. Sooyoung stands behind her and Jinsoul focuses entirely on the game. Her heart is in , not allowing her to speak or even take a breath. It’s late now, Jinsoul has no idea of the time. But the arcade is dark and the only thing keeping things visible is the flickering lights from the games.

The music is long gone, and Jinsoul can faintly hear some of the start up sounds from the games. Reassuring her there is no one here except her and Sooyoung. Fingertips ghost across her ear, trailing down the shell of it and tugging at the lobe in a teasing manner. Jinsoul pulls her head away while biting her lip, the feeling dropping straight to her tummy.

Soon, fingers are replaced with lips and Jinsoul hates how much softer they are. How it twists her insides up in a knot. “Don’t ignore me.” Sooyoung grumbles out and Jinsoul can’t help but grin at the impatient tone.

Turning to Sooyoung she tilts her head, blinking innocently, “or what?” Jinsoul regrets her action because as soon as she locks her gaze with Sooyoung’s, the little game she’s playing is over and all she can think about is how much she’s missed these eyes that she’s learned to love so much. Sooyoung’s look is timid, but playful, full of endearment. Jinsoul knows Sooyoung has missed her too.

She reluctantly turns back to the game, even though she was sure she could spend all night staring at Sooyoung. The girl wasn’t completely forgiven yet. Jinsoul wanted a proper apology for how she was treated. Although Sooyoung’s confession was gonna make the apology a lot easier to accept. 

Sooyoung slowly shifts behind her. “It’ll make me sad. You don’t want that do you baby?” Jinsoul shrugs the hands that try to hold her off, knowing she’ll give in as soon as she feels the warmth of them. She only hears a frustrated sigh, followed by a short laugh.

Jinsoul bites the smile that continues to grow. She doesn’t want Sooyoung to know how much she’s missed her. Sooyoung circles back around her and leans onto the side of the arcade game. Jinsoul tries her best not to glance over, but Sooyoung’s wearing her favorite color and Jinsoul is dying to drink it all in.

Her blazer and skirt are a matching navy color, a gawky belt tight around her waist. The turtle neck fits her body perfectly, and beneath the skirt are the tights that match. Sooyoung takes her other silk glove off that brings it all together and stuffs it into the blazer pocket. 

Jinsoul swallows audibly at the sight, Sooyoung is her walking fantasy.

“You still at this game.”

Sooyoung’s staring a hole through her waiting for her to react, but Jinsoul’s done being the first one to do anything. The first to make the move, the first to say something that matters. This time she wants Sooyoung to be the one who pushes them forward. Wants Sooyoung to be the one opening up. She needs Sooyoung to tell her how she feels. All of what she feels.

Jinsoul’s tired of being the one that’s pouring her heart out.

“So? I’m having fun, stop bothering me.”

She can see Sooyoung roll her eyes. Suddenly Sooyoung’s bending down to her bag and Jinsoul sneaks a peak, she picked the worst night to ignore Sooyoung because she looks amazing. When Sooyoung raises back up, Jinsoul pretends her eyes were never wandering. Sooyoung leans against the metal again and obnoxiously chewing on gummy bears, popping them in and overworking her jaw in hopes of getting the least amount of attention from Jinsoul.

Jinsoul’s eyes struggle to not linger on the sharp line of Sooyoung’s jaw, but she reminds herself she’s a tough girl. She shouldn’t easily give into temptation...look where it’s got her so far.

Soon, a red gummy bear is staring at her. Sooyoung’s holding up for her, “you want one?” Jinsoul hates the pet name, it’s so unfair. How Sooyoung has a hold of her but Jinsoul barely has a grasp on the girl herself. 

Jinsoul raises a brow, “sure.” Opening she lets Sooyoung’s fingers come close, and then she snaps her teeth. Sooyoung doesn’t flinch, just glares at her coldly. Jinsoul giggles and chews up the sugar and swallows before going back to ignoring Sooyoung.

While Jinsoul could do this all night, Sooyoung’s finally the impatient one. Fingers press into her chin and her gaze is forced away from the game, “are you still mad at me?” 

Jinsoul can tell Sooyoung’s nervous, although she’s pretending to be all cool and calm. The older girl’s eyes shake, Jinsoul notices Sooyoung’s even wearing the lipgloss she bought her when they went to the mall. Most of it is gone though, since Sooyoung won’t stop chewing at her bottom lip.

“I should be shouldn’t I?” Jinsoul asks, but she can’t find it in her to be. “When you dumped me after our date, ditched me at the disco and then made me feel like after we had , did you think the other night would just fix all of that?” The sorry confession had an effect on Jinsoul, but she wanted more. Jinsoul always wants more because she can’t get enough of this girl. Sooyoung’s expression slowly fades, instead of stone, it slowly melts and the emotion behind the wall of ice becomes visible. “Three chances Sooyoung, I’ve given you three chances to break my heart and you still haven’t given me the chance to prove that I would never do the same to you.” 

Jinsoul then tilts her head, making Sooyoung’s fingers slide off her chin. Sooyoung’s eyes are glossy and they keep shining with the flicker of the arcade lights. Sooyoung tries to step forward but Jinsoul points the duck hunt gun, that stupid, grimy orange gun at Sooyoung’s chest. “I should be mad at you.” She repeats, more clearly now, but both her and Sooyoung know she isn’t mad in the slightest bit. Jinsoul drags the tip of the gun up Sooyoung’s chest, all the way to beneath Sooyoung’s chin, where the girl tilts her head up to avoid it.

If Jinsoul was truly mad, she would have forgotten about Sooyoung already. Jinsoul would have chewed the girl up and spit her out in a matter of seconds, and although Jinsoul is known for having a bad reputation . She never was the one for revenge, never was the one to be bitter for not getting what she wanted. She could have moved on to something better, but Jinsoul knows better isn’t out there. When the best is right in front of her. She doesn’t want to move on from this. Jinsoul’s tired of being so alone and Sooyoung’s the one her heart belongs to. The one she wants to be with. No one gets her like Sooyoung does. 

Sooyoung gulps against the tip of the gun, “then why aren’t you, why do you keep giving me these chances Jinsoul?”

The arcade lights flash around them as Jinsoul’s gaze switches back and forth between two eyes, full of unspoken words and vulnerability. Jinsoul has no idea what Sooyoung wants, but she knows she doesn’t want this to end. Sooyoung may say that’s what she wants just to keep her from getting any closer, but Jinsoul can tell that’s the very thing Sooyoung’s afraid of. Is this thing they have ending before it can even begin. That they’ll become strangers again.

The thought of losing Jinsoul is Sooyoung’s nightmare. 

“I know you didn’t want to hurt me and it’s my fault that you had to.” Jinsoul draws the gun closer to Sooyoung’s throat, “I keep getting closer and closer, I know you better than anyone else, and it scares you. That night, it was too much, I was too much so you pushed me away. You asked me to not get mad at you if that happened.” Jinsoul understands now why everyone thinks Sooyoung’s cold hearted, she’s not at all. She has thick walls of defense surrounding her and everyone mistakes her distance, her fear of intimacy, for apathy.

Sooyoung does care.

Jinsoul thinks Sooyoung has always cared. No one has ever taken the time to listen because Sooyoung is so reserved, so protective of every little emotion she has afraid that someone may use them against her. Jinsoul knows this girl has more kindness than anyone she’s ever met. It’s a shame that she has to hide it because so many people have taken advantage of it. 

“When you warned me, when you said that you’d hurt me, it wasn’t meant just for me.” Sooyoung’s warning was for her to slow down, to take a step back or she might become guarded once again. That’s what happened the night they spent together. Jinsoul had passed boundaries that Sooyoung wasn’t ready to open yet and she suffered the consequences. Sooyoung had to put a distance between them. “You were asking me not to hurt you either.” 

A lone tear travels down Sooyoung’s cheek and Jinsoul resists the urge to reach out and catch it. But Sooyoung needs to cry. Jinsoul knows this girl never cries. Jinsoul needs to understand Sooyoung and all that she is if she ever wants to love her right. She needs to know why she’s so afraid of intimacy, why she hides herself from the world, why she leads people on to believe she’s a bad person when she’s not at all.

“I know that it scares you Sooyoung. Whatever this is, it scares you.” Jinsoul begins to draw the gun back, “but I like you so much, god Sooyoung don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do, so I don’t lose you.” She can hear Sooyoung’s faint breathing, she sees the rise of her chest, the shine in her eyes. But Jinsoul can’t feel anything, she feels numb, she doesn’t know if she’s breathing or if her heart is even beating.

Sooyoung grabs the gun barrel slowly, where it was hovering over her chest. Sooyoung points it to her heart, “I lied to you.” Jinsoul finally feels something. It’s painful, “I thought I was in love once.” Sooyoung tells her, looking straight into her eyes she brings the gun lower. Where the scar Jinsoul had faintly touched once resides. It was a nasty scar, the cut must have been gruesome. “It almost killed me.” 

The pain in Jinsoul’s chest almost becomes intolerable as Sooyoung continues to speak, “I never wanted to get close to anyone ever again, afraid that the same thing might happen. Afraid if I give them any certain amount of my trust, anything of myself, they’ll use it to hurt me.” Sooyoung presses the yellow tip of the gun into her ribs, “women I’ve been with, some still tried. They thought they could... change who I am by loving me. They left the second it got too hard. When I wasn’t what they wanted. I was too much and not enough at the same time.” 

Jinsoul shakes her head, she would never make that mistake, “but you…” Sooyoung begins again and pushes the gun away and steps closer to Jinsoul. “I never give you what you want, I keep pushing you away, I keep hurting you but you keep coming back.” Jinsoul drops the gun to her side and takes in the warmth of Sooyoung’s body so close to her. “Everyone else would have given up the first night I left you behind.” 

Sooyoung takes the gun out of Jinsoul’s hands and puts it on the dock, before replacing the emptiness in the blonde’s palms with her own. “You see me for who I am, of what I’m afraid of, yet you stay.” Jinsoul squeezes the hands in her own, relaxing in the gentle touch. “You know I won’t be easy, that it will take...time for me to do this. Yet you stay.” Raising up one of Sooyoung’s hands she kisses the top of it, feeling her heart clench at the blush and tears on Sooyoung’s cheeks. 

“And I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want your first love to be me. I was ruined, I can’t ruin you.” Sooyoung whispers and drops her head down, “you deserve everything, not someone who’s scared of it.” 

Jinsoul is quiet for a few seconds as Sooyoung waits for an answer. “I don’t want everything Sooyoung.” She says with a smile and Sooyoung peeks up shyly, “I don’t want it if it’s not you.” Jinsoul’s capable of getting anything she wants, but how lonely would it be if she didn’t have anyone to share it with. And the only person she can think of is Sooyoung, Sooyoung’s the one she wants to share this with.

Sooyoung blinks, her lip trembling, “why do I mean so much to you?” 

Cupping one of Sooyoung’s puffy cheeks she whispers, “because I will never forget the time I spend with you.” Jinsoul loves Sooyoung, because Sooyoung loves her in the way she’s always wanted to be loved. Jinsoul has always been treated like a doll, appreciated for her beauty and style, her attitude and charm. But never for her strength, for her ambitions, she’s never been respected for working hard to be the person she is today. Sooyoung sees all of that. Sooyoung sees her as the person she’s always been, and not the person she seems to be.

Jinsoul loves herself, and Sooyoung doesn’t try to outshine that. 

“Even if this doesn’t last Sooyoung, some part of me will always appreciate and belong to you. I will think of you, until I can’t think anymore.” Sooyoung’s face scrunches up then and Jinsoul snorts at how pitiful it is, taking the girl in her arms she promises, “so I want to give everything to these moments.” 

There’s a short pause, and that’s when it changes. Sooyoung begins to trust, the slightest bit, she believes in Jinsoul’s promise like it was the only one in the world.

“These moments with you. I want to give my all to them.” 

Sooyoung loves Jinsoul.

She loves every single thing about Jinsoul. 

Jinsoul will eventually pour all her love into Sooyoung, one drop at a time, “I’ll take the time to do it right.” But for now, it can only be a single drop, since it’s been so long that Sooyoung hasn’t felt this. “I don’t want you to forget what went wrong, what happened to you in the past.” Jinsoul tells her and rubs on the back on Sooyoung’s head, “but I want to make sure it’ll never go wrong again.” 

“I’ll take the time to do it right Sooyoung, even if it takes forever.” Sooyoung sniffles and Jinsoul pushes her back, looking into her eyes. “You may be bad at this, but jeez I’ve never done this before.”

Sooyoung smiles for the first time and dips her head back onto Jinsoul’s shoulder, clinging onto her awkwardly. Jinsoul rolls her eyes and hugs her again. But really, she’s the happiest girl alive. Sooyoung’s going to give her the chance. The chance to love her.

“We’ll figure it out, together…” Promising once more, Jinsoul etches it onto Sooyoung’s heart. “I know we will.” 

Sooyoung takes deep, grounding breaths, her hands gripped tightly on Jinsoul’s shirt. They stand there for what feels like hours, but really it’s only a matter of minutes. Sooyoung swallows all her feelings. She wants to tell Jinsoul everything. But she knows she can’t burden the girl this early on. Sooyoung has never had a friend like Jinsoul, she’s lucky to even have the chance of being her lover. 

From the start this girl was different. Jinsoul never treated her like some freak. Nor did she treat her as if she was some broken girl, incapable of doing anything for herself. All of Sooyoung’s life she’s been treated either or. To Jinsoul, she was just a girl. A girl with feelings and dreams. With fears and flaws. Jinsoul paid attention to every part of her. Cares about every part of her. Even though some parts of her have led to hurting Jinsoul. 

She remembers the first time they played here. That evening where the sun seemed to glow. Jinsoul had a nasty attitude and Sooyoung had felt the venom of the girl’s bite. She became addicted to it. No one had ever challenged Sooyoung like that. Either people hated her, or they loved the thought of her. But Jinsoul was in between. The girl despised her persona, the false arrogance and charm, but admired her for who she really was. Sooyoung’s never been seen inside out like that, only on the surface. 

“You know the very first bet we ever made, the one where we played every game in the arcade.” Sooyoung mumbles into the fabric Jinsoul’s shirt. The blonde’s hands smooth across her back. Over and over again. Never would have she thought from that day they’d end up here. Sooyoung had felt the spark back then, the unexplainable draw she had to Jinsoul. Everytime she was around the blonde it was hard to pull away, never wanting the moment to end with her. She was latched onto Jinsoul.

It freaked her out. 

The first night she met Jinsoul had freaked her out. Because she never wanted to know someone so badly. Sooyoung never had felt like that before. Locking eyes with a stranger had never felt so familiar to her.

She thinks she’s been waiting for Jinsoul all her life.

Meeting her was like finding the final piece to the puzzle and Sooyoung wanted to solve Jinsoul over and over again. To take her apart and appreciate every piece of her before putting her back together to worship the beautiful image the blonde was. She loved every second of it, the frustration, the relief, the feeling of being complete. All of it was Jinsoul. 

“Yup, when I kicked your .” Jinsoul replies, and Sooyoung can’t help but snort. She can’t help but love the girl’s attitude. She remembers being weirded out when she got butterflies from Jinsoul cursing her out. 

Sooyoung thinks the first tug on her heart was when she saw Jinsoul get so excited over winning, it was undeniably adorable. She’s never admired someone’s passion until that moment. Sooyoung was enamoured with the girl’s smile. How something so simple was that much fun to her. “Oh come on, I let you.” Sooyoung teases. 

Jinsoul pinches at her side but Sooyoung accepts it, she wants any kind of touch. “Nope don’t remember that.” 

Smiling to herself she tells Jinsoul, “If I won, which I was going to, I was gonna make you get dinner with me.” Sooyoung was so...curious. God, she wanted to know everything about Jinsoul. She had always made fun of Jinsoul for being obsessed when really she was the one infatuated with every inch of the blonde. “You wanna bet on it again. If I win we go get food if you win you well...you won’t, I won’t let you.” Sooyoung says playfully, she’s liked this girl from the beginning. She’s always liked Jinsoul. But she was just too afraid to admit it. Too afraid to accept it in fear of being pushed away. Jinsoul is the first person that makes sense to her.

Sooyoung’s falling in love with how complicated she is. 

Jinsoul doesn’t make it scary. 

“Oh you’re so on.” Jinsoul says and slightly pushes her away. Jinsoul still looks at her the same as she did that first night on the train. And Sooyoung thinks that maybe that’s when she began to feel the shift. The shift of her heart, where it started to beat again. 

Sooyoung’s in love with her. 

~~~~

They end up at Planet food. The old space themed buffet that they first had dinner together. Instead of sitting on opposite sides, Sooyoung had slid in beside Jinsoul, sitting on the same side, elbow to elbow.

Sooyoung craved the warmth that being close to Jinsoul brought. She wanted to trace the details of Jinsoul’s features. She hasn’t seen her in almost three weeks. Since the night they made love. It resurfaces intense feelings for Sooyoung. The last time she had locked eyes with Jinsoul was the first time she’s ever been so close to someone, so intimate. 

Her chest aches with this longing pressure, she didn’t realize how much she missed the kindness in Jinsoul’s smile until she knew what it felt like again. Her plate remains untouched, while Jinsoul is on her second. Sooyoung gently reaches out and tucks some of Jinsoul’s hair behind her ear. The blonde grumbles with full when Sooyoung brushes her fingertips across the back of it. She couldn’t help it, Jinsoul had really cute ears and the blonde’s reaction was priceless.

Jinsoul aggressively chews on her noodles, it’s all she’ll eat from this place. Sooyoung doesn’t blame her...most of the stuff is questionable, especially the steak that’s in the shape of a star, to go alone with the space theme of course. “You can slow down princess, it’s not going anywhere.” Jinsoul is hunched over her plate and sends her a quick glare for teasing her. Sooyoung only smiles, “Is it that good?”

The blonde moans with agreement and chews the rest of it up before speaking, “yeah, but you taste better.” Sooyoung’s face heats up at the comment and she avoids the suggestive glint in Jinsoul’s eyes. She had forgotten the girl was about as shameless as she was. Jinsoul slowly places a hand on her thigh and squeezes, Sooyoung quickly pushes it away, not liking how the simple touch made her squirm in the seat.

Trying to hide how flustered she is, Sooyoung tries to flirt back. But her voice fails her, “I know I do.” Jinsoul smiles when her voice breaks on the words, several pitches higher. The hand returns to her thigh and Sooyoung allows it this time not being able to resist the heat that blossoms inside her whenever Jinsoul’s palm begins to knead her flesh. “Hey I think they’re serving desert in the back.” Sooyoung tries again at this game they’re playing.

“Oh yeah what is it.” Jinsoul asks with a hint of curiosity in her tone, Sooyoung hums deeply when the hand squeezes particularly hard. She knocks her knees together and brings her hand to rest on Jinsoul’s arm, giving it the same treatment. Jinsoul only stares down at the hand and smiles. 

“Sooyoung tiramisu, I’m sure you’d love a piece.” Sooyoung says in a low voice and becomes embarrassed at the rasp in it. Jinsoul blinks once, then twice and pulls away entirely. Sooyoung pouts subconsciously, wishing Jinsoul was still touching her. 

Jinsoul looks her up and down, “Forget about what I said freak.” Sooyoung scoffs, it was clear the blonde was messing with her by the way her lips curl into a mischievous smile. Jinsoul was just trying to press her buttons. 

Leaning over she whispers in the way she knows Jinsoul can’t stand, “Baby we both know who’s the freak here.” Jinsoul groans as if she’s disgusted and pushes her away by the shoulder.

“God can you stop!”

“I don’t know if I can, you’re just so easy to tease, I can’t resist.” Sooyoung smiles as she scoots close again, enchanted by the way Jinsoul’s hair flows past her shoulders, framing her face like a portrait. 

Jinsoul quirks a brow, “and you're full of yourself.” Sooyoung begins to shake her head in defense but Jinsoul nods with a silent argument. 

“I thought you liked it?” Sooyoung frowns with false offense. She even takes after Jinsoul’s pout and bats her eyelashes. The blonde tries to keep her seriousness but a smile quickly wins over her lips. 

Jinsoul lets out an airy sigh and leans back into the booth, her eyes highlighted with gold, flicker between Sooyoung’s. “What am I going to do with you?” Sooyoung loves the shape of Jinsoul’s eyes, they’re like no other. 

“Hopefully whatever you want…” Sooyoung flirts, easily at that. Before it was fun seeing Jinsoul so frustrated. Now, Sooyoung just wants the girl to know how bad she has it.

Jinsoul’s smile softens in the slightest, and suddenly the confident gaze she’s trapping Sooyoung in becomes vulnerable. “Is this how you’ve always talked to girls?” Jinsoul tilts her head as she’s asking the question, showcasing her curiosity. 

Sooyoung hums, “only the ones this pretty. But then again, nobody is prettier than you.” Of course, she’s being honest, but it’s not the entire truth. Sooyoung had never allowed herself to open up to someone like she has to Jinsoul. A lot of girls may have gotten her charm, but she’s never adored anyone like she adores Jinsoul.

“You’re a real piece of work Ha Sooyoung.” Jinsoul whispers and Sooyoung wishes she knew what it meant. She wishes she knew what was going through Jinsoul’s head.

“Jinsoul you know I’m crazy about you. Only you. I hope you realize that.” 

The blonde blushes and shyly looks down into her lap, “I thought you were playing me for real, that’s what everyone told me.” Jinsoul then shifts in the seat, her back facing the wall as she pulls her knees up, sitting her feet flat on the booth. Sooyoung cautiously toys with the bottom of Jinsoul’s jeans before letting her fingertips slip underneath the hem, coming into contact with the soft skin of the blonde’s ankle.  

“Told you what?” 

Sooyoung’s heard it all before. When she rejected girls that wanted to be in her life time after time again. It’s always the same thing. They’re not happy finding out the girl they’re in love with doesn’t feel the same way. Sooyoung never asked to be loved, and she hated when they made her feel obligated to love them back. 

She told them from the beginning it would never be that.

“That you were cold hearted, and hated commitment, that you only did this kind of thing so you could have .” Sooyoung clenches her jaw, “That’s what Doyeon said at least. Jiwoo said you were just misunderstood...but you still broke her heart.” 

Sooyoung closes her eyes, it was the truth. Jiwoo is a nice girl. They met at the wrong time. Sooyoung wasn’t as honest back then as she is now. Jiwoo had understood her and that was what destroyed her. Sooyoung didn’t want to break Jiwoo’s heart, but the girl had made the mistake in giving it to her when she didn’t want it. Sooyoung had asked her, don’t fall in love with me. Yet Jiwoo did. 

“I did. I broke her heart.” Sooyoung admits.

“Why?”

Glancing up at Jinsoul she can tell that she’s scared. Someone as fearless as Jinsoul is scared of her. Sooyoung can’t help but think she’s the monster that everyone says she is. Jinsoul’s afraid of being rejected, being pushed away by Sooyoung. She doesn’t know how to tell Jinsoul that won’t happen. Sooyoung needs her. She’s not a monster. She’s just as scared. “It had always been for me, it’s all I can handle and honestly all that I needed and I don’t know, some girls didn’t understand that. Even though I’d tell them from the start it’s nothing more but they never believe it. They end up getting hurt when it becomes true.”

Rumors started when she was nineteen, her first year in university that she was a heartbreaker. She didn’t have that much sympathy back then. Sometimes she was glad for the rumors, no girl would try to have more than just a physical relationship with her. Sooyoung wanted to keep that way. The less they knew her, the more it became less likely that she would get hurt. “Jiwoo was one of those girls, I really didn’t mean to hurt her, but I wanted nothing more. I never played anyone intentionally, it's just what they thought when I wasn’t on the same page as them.” 

Sooyoung pauses for a moment, “why would I let someone in when they could hurt me. Why would I trust them when they would use it to turn against me. It’s easier letting them think I’m some heartless player than to tell them the truth, that I’m er afraid of it all.” They always leave in the end anyways, they always accept Sooyoung as she seems to be. Sooyoung’s never been loved for who she is, just the fantasy of her, of what she could have been. But...once her past lovers realized she’d never be who they wanted, they’d disappear.“I never wanted to be loved by anyone. Do you know how much it hurts to be loved and tossed away the next second. I hate...allowing people in, it’s a risk I've never been able to take.”

She glances at Jinsoul, the blonde is staring straight at her. Her jaw locked, her eyes intense. Sooyoung gulps as Jinsoul asks, “Why am I different Sooyoung? Why are you giving me the chance?”

“You’ve always chased after me Jinsoul.” And there’s been some, Seola, Yubin, hell maybe even Jiwoo have tried. They chased after her too, but in the end Sooyoung's defense was impenetrable. They tried to fight for her. But Sooyoung didn’t want it. With them, it didn’t feel right. For them, especially Seola, it was only about the way Sooyoung made them feel. It was the challenge that she was. It made her feel like she was a game herself. Sooyoung never thought of them. Her heart never ached for them. So she never gave it to them. 

But with Jinsoul.

The girl doesn’t even have to ask for it.

“Is that the only reason?” Jinsoul is clearly not convinced, “because I haven’t given up on you?” Sooyoung knows how it must sound. That the only reason Jinsoul hasn’t been pushed away is because she’s kept coming back. If Sooyoung really wanted this to end, she’d make it happen. Jinsoul would hate her. But at least, the girl wouldn’t chase after her anymore.

That isn’t what she wants though. 

“You’re not the first person that’s fought for me Jinsoul.” Sooyoung admits, “other girls have tried to pry their way in like you have.” Sooyoung never let them though, like she has with Jinsoul. “I didn’t want to let them in, but I do want you. I’ve always wanted you.” And Sooyoung realizes she wouldn’t let Jinsoul move on like the rest of them. For the first time, Sooyoung would be fighting for someone, she would be begging Jinsoul. To give her chance after chance after chance. “If you would have ever given up on me, I would have been the one chasing after you. It wouldn’t be easy to get rid of me Jinsoul. Especially not now.” She has feelings for Jinsoul, it isn’t as simple as it has been in the past.

She doesn’t want this girl to disappear from her life.

From the beginning, Sooyoung knew that Jinsoul was the one that was going to change everything. That she was the one that Sooyoung just couldn’t let go. Was going to be the one Sooyoung hung onto. 

She already has chased after Jinsoul. Returning to her again and again after they had their differences. After all their arguments and petty feuds, Sooyoung just kept coming back to Jinsoul. How could Jinsoul not see it? When she could have easily avoided her after that first night they met. When she kept trying and trying to get on the blonde’s good side.

“Really?” Jinsoul asks, her eyes are still searching. She’s searching for approval, reassurance. 

So Sooyoung tries her best to give it to her, “I’ve never felt this way before. Ever.” Sooyoung needs Jinsoul to realize it’s her. Just her. Not just the situation. The convenience. Sooyoung’s been here plenty of times before. Telling past lovers of hers it’s never going to work no matter how hard they try to make it work. 

But this time, Sooyoung’s the one that wants to make it work. 

Because it’s just Jinsoul.

It’s always been Jinsoul.

Jinsoul’s blushes, “okay.” Sooyoung doesn’t think Jinsoul’s sounded this timid before. But then the blonde smiles and repeats it. 

“Okay.” 

~~~~

It’s when they’re taking the train back home that Sooyoung feels her head droop. She struggles to keep her eyes open, there’s been something holding her back from resting properly, keeping her up night after night. That one thing was Jinsoul and now that she was here, Sooyoung felt safe enough to close her eyes. Knowing she’d be there when she’d open them again. 

“Are you tired?” Sooyoung snaps up again where she was leaning forward in her seat, Jinsoul’s snuggly sat to her side. 

Sooyoung yawns, “I’ve been working so much…it’s kicking my .”

She glances at Jinsoul for a second but then pulls away when the blonde is looking intently at her, “have you been eating?” Sooyoung gives her a short nod, she has eaten...enough. She’s sure Jinsoul would scold her for only eating chips and gummies for dinner. But still, it’s eating. “Sleeping?” Sooyoung goes to nod again but a finger points menacingly at her, “Don’t lie.” Now if Sooyoung were to nod, she would be lying. But she’s a bit embarrassed as to why she hasn’t been sleeping. Jinsoul’s nails are shorter than the last time she…saw them. She guesses the blonde had made some adjustments. They’re perfectly trimmed down while maintaining a cute color. 

“I’m having trouble.” Sooyoung’s eyes travel up the length of Jinsoul’s arm, where she’s met with a concerned yet warm stare. “Without you.” Sooyoung starts and kind of loses track for a second, Jinsoul is seriously pretty. She wonders if it would be a bad time to remind her. Shaking the thought, she stumbles out, “I um...you keep me up at night. Wishing you was there.” 

Jinsoul seems to be very pleased by that answer, based on the smug grin she’s now wearing. Sooyoung wants to roll her eyes, but the girl has every right to feel satisfied. “You can sleep now if you want.” Sooyoung hums, that smooth voice of Jinsoul’s makes it even more tempting. Suddenly it’s the best idea.

“Are you sure? I drool.”

“Yeah, you’ll just have to buy me a new shirt.” Sooyoung glances down at Jinsoul's striped shirt, it’s faded, baggy, something she wouldn’t imagine seeing the blonde in. Neither would she imagine the worn out jeans or battered converse. She likes it, Sooyoung gets butterflies from just seeing Jinsoul like this. “It’s one of my favorites.” 

Sooyoung stares at her for a second and sees the honesty in Jinsoul’s eyes. Sooyoung takes her fingers and rubs the fabric of the shirt between them. It’s incredibly soft, so she lays her head on Jinsoul’s shoulder and presses her face into the fabric. Sooyoung takes a deep breath and everything about Jinsoul is so warm. Even her smell, which reminds her of Caramel right after it’s been melted. 

For a second, the angle is awkward and the train is shaky, but Jinsoul shifts and Sooyoung finds the comfort of leaning against the girl’s chest. Jinsoul’s hands are settled in her lap, but they slowly inch towards Sooyoung’s. 

Her fingers intertwine with Jinsoul’s and her heart beats twice as fast. “I really like you.” Sooyoung says out loud for the first time. Jinsoul’s presses into her knuckles. 

“I know.” 

“Do you? I don’t think you do.” Sooyoung asks, she feels like she’s already made too many mistakes. She should have told Jinsoul the truth when the blonde first confessed. 

“Yeah...you’re kind of a bad liar. I knew you liked me for a long time, I could see it in your eyes that it was the truth, it's just, I didn’t know how much you liked me.” Jinsoul explains as Sooyoung watches her trace over her knuckles, “I didn’t know if you liked me as much as I liked you, or if you were only attracted to me.” 

Sooyoung grimaces, knowing how it probably came off pretty dirty when she blew Jinsoul off after...what they had done and then not talking to her for almost three weeks. “I’m sorry. I really thought you’d come after me but you left.” Sooyoung remembers how the rest of the night she stared at the door, waiting for Jinsoul to come back. “I should have told you how I really felt.” 

Lifting her head up she presses her face into the crook of Jinsoul’s throat, her forehead smushed against the girl’s cheek. “I’m not ready for the whole thing, what I want with you. I want it all but, one thing at a time and I didn’t think it would be fair to sleep with you when I couldn’t commit to everything from the start. I was overwhelmed with all the feelings I have for you.” Jinsoul squeezes her hand and she feels the blonde smile against her. 

“I left the disco because I knew I wouldn’t be able to ignore you any longer, I knew if you came back with me, I wouldn't be able to stop whatever happened.” Sooyoung couldn’t control her desire anymore. The temptation was too much. So much that it hurt. “And well...I mean.” Sooyoung shyly mumbles and raises up to look into Jinsoul’s eyes, “I have a hard time not giving into you. It feels too good when you’re around.” 

“I’m that irresistible?” Jinsoul asks and Sooyoung rolls her eyes, how she was stressing out and Jinsoul just seemed so carefree about it all. It was one of the reasons she loved her so much. “I’m kidding Sooyoung, you should have just told me that instead of being a jackass. I would have kept my hands to myself.” 

“I was going to tell you and then…” Sooyoung goes to argue but it quickly dies in when Jinsoul gives her that look. She had been sitting there in the dark thinking of ways she was going to confess to Jinsoul. But then the blonde showed up to her door, soaking wet from the rain. Looking like every version of her fantasy. How could Sooyoung resist? It was impossible.

Jinsoul understands her silence and quietly asks, “You really want this?” 

Sooyoung thinks it’s a silly question to ask. “Of course, but I’m so afraid I’ll mess it up no matter what.” 

“You won’t Sooyoung, there’s nothing you could do to mess it up.” Jinsoul is quick to reassure her, “I hope you know that.”

“I don’t want to disappoint you by not being enough.”

“Silly you are enough, you’re the right amount for me.” Jinsoul laughs and it brings a smile to Sooyoung’s face. “I told you, we’ll figure this thing out, you and me. We don’t have to think about the details right now.” Sooyoung doesn’t think she could have found a better match. How lucky was she to find a girl like Jinsoul.

“If I was the one that lost the deal what would you have asked me,” Jinsoul quickly glances away, the color on her cheeks deepening. 

Jinsoul shakes her head, “it doesn’t matter now, I already got it.” And maybe the blonde is right. Sooyoung lays her head back down and hums into the warmth that blankets her.

They don’t need to think of the details now.

~~~~

Sooyoung’s apartment is cozy, it’s a bit cluttered and Jinsoul’s doesn’t have tunnel vision like the last time she was here. She notices a lot more things now that she doesn’t have her face shoved in...areas where her vision was limited. Like the fact that Sooyoung has so many posters and colorful paintings. Way too many house plants for some reason. And a little area filled with blankets and cushions. 

In front of that area is like a pot of gold to Jinsoul. Sooyoung has a total of six atari games...and the console itself. Jinsoul sits awkwardly on the couch while Sooyoung takes a shower. She can just imagine the girl laying on her tummy playing video games late into the night. The thought makes her blush, because Jinsoul’s certain she’d faint at how adorable it would be.

The other thoughts she’s having are not entirely new. Since she isn’t worried about Sooyoung dumping her anymore. Jinsoul gets to appreciate the memory of the last time she was on this couch. Last week everytime she thought about it she’d get an uneasy feeling of dread and fear. The fear of being rejected once again. Jinsoul just couldn’t handle the thought of it, if her and Sooyoung’s fate ended up that way. So she had refused to think about it, now that it wasn’t true, she could acknowledge what a nightmare it would be if Sooyoung didn’t feel the same. 

But tonight was a bit of a smack in the face. It had been so obvious, Jinsoul should have never doubted Sooyoung. She should have believed in her from the start. Of course Sooyoung was just as bad as she was, if not worse, judging how the girl has gone on and on tonight about how she feels. Jinsoul is sure she’ll have to go to the doctor for high blood pressure, it was like a dream come true and her heart couldn’t keep up with the joy flowing through her.  

Still she couldn’t help but ask for reassurance and everytime Sooyoung gave her more than what she needed. Jinsoul can’t change anything now, her heart belongs to Sooyoung willingly. Jinsoul still has fears but she’s confident that Sooyoung’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Sooyoung was trying and Jinsoul could tell that she was nervous.

Sometimes she had that same lost look in her eyes, the same that she did that night she walked away from Jinsoul. There’s no way it was coincidence, so Jinsoul thinks every time she takes a step forward, closer to Sooyoung, the girl relives her past and remembers how these feelings they have for each other can turn to poison any second.

Jinsoul will make sure they never will. Slowly, she wants to show Sooyoung that this isn’t a bad thing that they have, even though it hurt her in the past. Jinsoul wants to make up for that. She only wants Sooyoung to be happy, to feel safe with her.

And knowing that she scared Sooyoung that night, when the girl wasn’t ready to acknowledge her feelings yet. Jinsoul can’t help but feel a little guilty. When she was ready to hit this head on while Sooyoung was still preparing for the leap.

Jinsoul squishes a couch cushion in her hand and blushes. Flashbacks from that night seeps into her thoughts. How Sooyoung had a vice like grip on the same cushion when she, Jinsoul exhales quickly and leans her head back. God she liked it so much. 

She completely understood now why being with guys felt so...dull. It always came up short, leaving Jinsoul to feel icky and disappointed. Having Sooyoung under her was nothing less of an awakening. Jinsoul felt like she was being put under a spell while watching Sooyoung react to her touch. She wanted to do it more, she wanted to make Sooyoung feel good forever. 

Knowing that she has the chance to do that now, Jinsoul isn’t going to give it up for nothing. “What are you smiling about?”

Jinsoul opens her eyes, not even realizing they were closed as she was reliving the fantasy it was the last time she was here. Sooyoung’s standing there, hair dripping wet with baggy pajamas on. There’s a faint blush on her neck and cheeks as she looks between Jinsoul and the couch. 

Taking her hand and rubbing it across the back of the couch she shrugs, “nothing, I’m just happy.” Sooyoung raises a brow and Jinsoul fails to stifle her laugh, “what can’t I smile? Do you want me to pout up like you?” Sooyoung quickly turns away after being called out, wiping the pout of her lips. 

Sooyoung sits down next to her, a good length away. Jinsoul tries to not think about it too much. How Sooyoung’s hands shake in her lap. How her blush has crawled up to her ears now. She can’t help but smirk at the sight, knowing that Sooyoung probably can’t stand this. “Why are you happy?” 

Jinsoul quirks a brow, “isn’t it obvious? The girl I’m crazy about likes me back. Do you even know how much I dream about you? How good it feels that it’s true.” Jinsoul can’t wait to revisit her diary, she thinks she may put in ten entries. It’s been waiting for this moment too. “Aren’t you happy too?” 

Sooyoung is twiddling her thumbs in her lap and slowly glances up, as soon as they lock eyes the girl jerks her gaze back down to her lap. Jinsoul, a bit confused, tilts her head. Sooyoung quickly glances at her again and tears it away the next second. Sooyoung softly laughs and mumbles out, “Jesus I can’t look at you without feeling all warm inside.” 

Jinsoul’s jaw drops at the same time as Sooyoung’s, “that was so…”

“Don’t.” Sooyoung warns, while she was embarrassed Jinsoul was in awe. “Just pretend I didn’t say that.” 

“How can I pretend? It was so cute.” Sooyoung panics a bit as Jinsoul begins to scoot closer to her. Jinsoul crawls right up to her as Sooyoung leans away, her eyes avoiding the blonde’s curious stare. “What else do you feel when you look at me?”

Sooyoung’s blush deepens and Jinsoul wonders if this girl has been this shy the whole time. She remembers how arrogant and charming Sooyoung can be at moments, that her confidence is almost suffocating. Jinsoul’s so attracted to that carefree attitude of Sooyoung’s, but god she likes this too. 

“I-I don’t know.” Sooyoung stammers out.

Jinsoul clicks her tongue, “aht aht, tell me, I wanna know.” She now has Sooyoung pinned to the arm of the couch. They’ve been here before, it can end a certain way. 

Sooyoung’s gaze flickers between her own and the moment Jinsoul knows she’s lost control is when the girl’s eyes travel down to her lips. Jinsoul waits, she’s not the one to call the shots anymore. So she waits and waits and waits. But she doesn’t mind, the tension makes it that much more appetizing. 

It isn’t soon after when she feels the softness of Sooyoung’s lips against hers. 

Sooyoung seems to regain confidence that she had lost earlier, pressing against Jinsoul to push her back to the middle of the couch. Their lips release in a soft smack, and Jinsoul subconsciously hers to make sure they’re still there. Sooyoung has this effect on her, it sets every nerve ending in her body on fire but leaves her lips numb. A single kiss makes her feel like she’s freefalling. 

Jinsoul leans forward this time, timidly pressing another kiss into Sooyoung. She feels Sooyoung’s hand push against her tummy so she tries to back away, but her lips are chased. Their kisses are almost incomplete, it seems they reconnect over and over again but never part. They’re feather light and it drives Jinsoul insane. Jinsoul lays back into the cushions and it’s like deja vu when Sooyoung breaks their kiss and looks down at her.

Except this time, Sooyoung looks straight into her eyes. 

“I feel everything when I look at you.” 

Sooyoung presses her hand flat to the blonde’s chest. Jinsoul’s heart is drumming hard against her palm. So hard she fears it might burst. Jinsoul’s the one that can’t stand it now, so she closes her eyes, in fear of being consumed. Her lips are kissed again and she feels the pressure of Sooyoung’s body against her own. 

Her hands go to grasp at the fabric on Sooyoung’s back, the kiss she receives is firmer this time around, more sure. They only continue to get deeper and deeper, as Jinsoul clings to dear life, clawing her way through the soft cotton of Sooyoung’s pajamas. 

Just like that night, their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces. Jinsoul slides a leg between Sooyoung’s own and her hands roam everywhere, she can’t touch the same spot because the heat there is too much. She feels like she’ll end up getting burned.  

Her hands drift down to Sooyoung’s waist, squeezing there as she on Sooyoung’s bottom lip at the same time. The girl above her groans and presses into her tighter before pulling away, “I missed you. I can’t explain how much I missed you.” Jinsoul shakes her head and kisses Sooyoung’s already swollen lips. Sooyoung doesn’t have to explain, her touch is enough. Jinsoul can taste it on the tip of her tongue. 

Unlike the last time, nothing about this is desperate, rushed. Sooyoung is drawing out every kiss. Making it last for what seems like forever. Jinsoul goes dizzy at the sensation, she doesn’t understand how Sooyoung does this to her. She doesn’t want to understand. It feels right, it feels amazing, it’s all that matters.

Her hand sneaks between their bodies, and Jinsoul can feel Sooyoung’s tummy go tight. The tips of her fingers press against the waistband of Sooyoung’s pants. “Can I?” She mumbles into the kiss and Sooyoung slips away. Jinsoul then notices how shaky her breath is, how nervous she is about all of this. 

Sooyoung quickly shakes her head no and both of them let out a breath of relief. Even though it’s all Jinsoul can think about she doesn’t know if she’d be able to survive doing this again. She’s not ready either. “Too much?” Sooyoung buries her face into her shoulder and nods. Even though it was tempting to keep kissing Sooyoung at that mind numbing pace, she knew it wasn’t the right moment. Jinsoul squeezes at the girl’s tiny waist again and it draws out a high-pitched moan from Sooyoung’s lips. It’s right against her ear and Jinsoul wiggles underneath her, “yeah you’re gonna have to get off me or...just get off of me.” Jinsoul is seriously getting dizzy and that sound did not help. 

Sooyoung giggles faintly and raises up, “sorry, did that turn you on?” 

Glaring up at the girl she shoves her to the other end of the couch. Sooyoung was testing her sanity at this point. “That was on purpose wasn’t it.”

The girl across from her bites back a smile, “maybe? Would I be in trouble if it was?” 

“You’re gonna be the death of me.” Jinsoul says seriously, there was something about Sooyoung that was so addicting. That she couldn’t get enough of. This girl has Jinsoul’s heart in her clutch. 

Sooyoung takes a hand and combs it through her wet hair, “not if you don’t kill me first.” Jinsoul sits silently as she catches her breath, Sooyoung does the same, panting in a rhythm. “We shouldn’t get carried away like that.” 

Jinsoul scoffs, “me? I’m not the one being...” 

The girl across from her laughs and Jinsoul’s reminded of just how much a prick Sooyoung can be sometimes, it only makes Jinsoul wanna kiss those stupidly pretty lips again and again. “being what?” 

Rolling her eyes she covers her face, “god Sooyoung you are so, freaking annoying.” The darkness her hands provide is comforting, she can calm her racing heart. The sounds that poured from Sooyoung’s mouth don’t replay in her mind. No matter how much Jinsoul wants them to, she’ll be sure to revisit them when she’s alone. 

Peeking through her fingers she finds Sooyoung only an inch away from her. The girl’s eyes are full of affection, something she’s never seen before with Sooyoung. “I know baby.” Jinsoul melts at the name and slowly drags her hands away, Sooyoung smiles at her and Jinsoul curses at how dreamy it is. “Can I kiss you again?” 

Weighing her options, she can either refuse and get the satisfaction of Sooyoung pouting or she can go back to heaven, or at least that’s what kissing Sooyoung feels like. Jinsoul chooses silently, lazily wrapping her arms around Sooyoung’s shoulders. Sooyoung smirks but in no way is it smug, it’s just like someone who’s won the lottery. “No funny business okay?” Jinsoul asks shyly as Sooyoung settles them back down into the cushions, it only feels right pressed against each other. “I won’t be able to stand it.” 

Sooyoung takes her thumb and presses it to her forehead, wiping away some stray hairs. Jinsoul’s always been treated delicately, but never this gentle. Her past lovers were afraid of breaking her. Sooyoung is the only one that knows how to handle her. Tangling some of her fingers in damp hair, Jinsoul tries her hardest not to blush. But it isn’t easy when she hears the soft husk of Sooyoung’s voice, “I can’t stand it either. But I have to kiss you.” Jinsoul wishes she could roll her eyes, but she doesn’t want to miss a second looking at Sooyoung.

The girl leans down again and captures her lips. Jinsoul’s tries to ignore the details but they’re all so overwhelming.

She can’t help but think of all of them.

~~~~

They don’t get carried away, but Sooyoung does get sleepy. Jinsoul can tell by the sluggish motions of her lips. After a while Jinsoul pulls away, laying her hand against Sooyoung’s jaw, the girl leans into it as she asks, “you need to sleep.” Sooyoung blinks at her and it’s so slow Jinsoul can’t help but giggle. “And I need to go.” 

She was wide awake. Jinsoul feels like she’s been sleeping so long. The dream of being with Sooyoung was keeping in this trance, constantly pulling her in and out. But now that it was reality, Jinsoul doesn’t wanna close her eyes again. No matter how soothing it is being with Sooyoung. 

Sooyoung is staring at her, it’s cold. “Go? Go where?” 

Jinsoul tilts her head, “home?” Sooyoung’s stare goes colder and the dark circles under her eyes just makes it even more intimidating. “What?” Jinsoul didn’t wanna bother Sooyoung in the morning. She’s not exactly the quietest person and she has to get up super early to look amazing as she always does and...Sooyoung is still staring. “Jesus what is it?”

“I thought you were staying?” Sooyoung asks but it’s not really a question, more of a statement. A very serious one at that. Suddenly Sooyoung’s lips that were pointed in a straight line curl up into a smile, “Stay with me tonight? Please?”

Jinsoul opens to protest but she closes it, she probably looks like a fish out of water. How can she just say no to that? “Okay, I guess I’ll stay, I do get up early and I have to look good, so...I hope-”

Sooyoung cuts her off with a kiss and drags her to her feet. Jinsoul stumbles on her way to Sooyoung’s bedroom. For a second, a wave of nerves hit her. She hasn’t really slept over at a lover’s before. Jinsoul hated sleeping with another person. It was too hot and it made her face swell and...she really can’t say no to Sooyoung. Especially when she sits on the edge of the bed and pats it.

Jinsoul hesitantly sits beside her. Sooyoung stares for a second and mumbles out, “goodnight Jinsoul.” Watching Sooyoung settle down in the sheets, snuggling up to a pillow, Jinsoul joins her. She shifts her skirt off, leaving her only in her old striped shirt. She lays beside Sooyoung and turns her back to the girl before scooting closer. Their backs pressed together and well, Jinsoul’s not hot, but she certainly feels warm.

It’s comforting. 

Jinsoul feels safe enough. For so long she’s guarded herself, she hasn’t let herself open up to anyone. She had been rejected too many times to handle it once more. But with Sooyoung, even though rejection hurts, Jinsoul doesn’t feel as she has been. Sooyoung’s the first person to accept her for who she is. All of her, Jinsoul knows she can be a handful. But Sooyoung seems to like it. 

She wants to let it out, what she’s been keeping in for this long. It’s all of her desire. She’s always wanted to know what it feels like to fall in love and Sooyoung’s the one. It takes her almost half an hour to build up the courage to say it. To answer a question she hasn’t been able to admit even to herself. “I was gonna ask you to give me the chance to love you.” It’s out in the open now, and Jinsoul can’t find herself wanting to turn back. “If you lost the deal. I want to learn with you, how to fall in love. That’s all Sooyoung. To let me eventually love you, the way you deserve to be.” 

Jinsoul curls up into herself, and the girl behind her is silent. She doesn’t know whether to be scared or not. She doesn’t even know if Sooyoung’s awake, or if she isn’t replying because she doesn’t know what to say. The silence is starting to kill Jinsoul so she closes her eyes and tries to count numbers over and over again to lull herself to sleep.

“How do you always do it?”

Although it’s only a whisper it feels like a gunshot to Jinsoul’s heart.

“Do what?”

“Say things that I’m never prepared for.”

Jinsoul thinks for a moment and then laughs, “God I should be the one asking that. You always knew how to make my head spin.” It’s the same thing. Jinsoul was never prepared for Sooyoung. “Even when I couldn’t stand you, how you made my ing insides melt I couldn’t ever understand.” She could be the biggest , and Sooyoung would treat her like an angel. Jinsoul thinks the girl has seen through her whole facade the whole time. She’s seen that poor excuse of an attitude that Jinsoul has to protect her own feelings.

Sooyoung turns to her and Jinsoul goes to turn too, wanting to face Sooyoung. Jinsoul wants to see what her eyes are saying. But Sooyoung presses her palms to her shoulders, silently begging her to stay put. “Don’t. Stay there. Please don’t turn around. I can’t say it if you’re looking at me.” Sooyoung’s forehead lays between her shoulder blades and Jinsoul can’t help but to tense up, “I’ll end up saying more than what we’re ready for if you’re looking at me.”

Jinsoul’s chest aches and she nods, even though Sooyoung can’t see her. She doesn’t know the girl’s eyes are squeezed shut. Jinsoul doesn’t know Sooyoung feels the same way as she does right now. “I like you so much it makes me sick to my stomach.” 

Hearing the words makes Jinsoul sick to her own stomach. “There’s something about you, from the moment we met, I just knew you were it.” And Jinsoul felt it too, she still feels it. Although she doesn’t know what it is. “You were the one that was going to change everything.” 

Jinsoul wishes she could understand it all. However, being clueless makes it that much more addicting. Maybe that’s why this is so scary with Sooyoung. She really doesn’t know what’s happening, but it doesn’t feel wrong. It must be right. “I knew I would never be able to get you out of my head. That I had to know everything about you.” Sooyoung pauses there and Jinsoul hears a shaky inhale of air. She can tell by the way Sooyoung’s hands tremble against her that the girl is nervous. She’s probably never confessed to anyone like this.

“I want to know everything about you Jinsoul.”

Me too.

“All your secrets.”

“What you’re afraid of.”

“What you love.”

Who you’ve loved.

And why you don’t love them anymore.

Will the same happen to us?

Jinsoul closes her eyes and tries to imagine it. What this would be like if she were facing Sooyoung. If she could see the truth in her eyes or if she became even more unsure. The words are enough, they’ve always been enough with Sooyoung. No one has ever spoken to her like Sooyoung does. No one ever listens like Sooyoung does. “It isn’t perfect with you, but it feels so right.” Jinsoul closes her eyes when she remembers Jiwoo.

When she had asked what it was like falling in love Jiwoo had told her that very thing. In no way will it ever be perfect with Sooyoung, but no other way is right like it is with her. 

Sooyoung clings to her harder, “I can’t stand being around you because I always feel like I’m going insane. But when you’re gone I miss you every second, so much that it hurts and I’m stuck wishing you were with me. I like how you drive me crazy. I like being with you so much that I got attached to that nasty attitude of yours. I know how kind you can be when you want to. I just like every part of you.” Jinsoul tries to turn around again but Sooyoung’s hands keep her at bay. 

“Please, Sooyoung…” She asks quietly, but the girl still doesn’t let her turn. Not even after begging Sooyoung won’t let her turn. 

“I don’t think nothing will ever make me feel this way. No one will ever compare to how you make me feel.” Since Sooyoung won’t let her turn around, Jinsoul reaches behind and latches onto Sooyoung’s hands, pulling them around to wrap around her. Jinsoul’s never been able to stand the warmth of another body, that’s why she was so attracted to Sooyoung in the first place. But the ice is slowly melting away and Jinsoul finds herself falling in love with the girl inside. 

Jinsoul can feel the tears soaking through her shirt now and she wonders if Sooyoung’s always been this sensitive, “I never have to hide from you. No one has ever liked me for who I am. You don’t make me feel guilty about loving myself.” Jinsoul’s heart blooms at the words. Sooyoung doesn’t even realize that this is all Jinsoul’s ever wanted.

“All my life I’ve been convinced to hate every part of me.”

“You remind me of all the things I love about myself. That’s why I...that’s why-“

That’s why I love you.

“You make me so happy Jinsoul.”

Jinsoul forces her way around this time but instead of facing Sooyoung she closes her eyes and reaches out to cradle the girl’s head. Sooyoung’s hair is soft, it feels like silk passing through Jinsoul’s fingers. “I haven’t had a good memory in almost eight years. I have so many bad ones that I can’t sleep at night. If i try sleeping, I have nightmares. It used to be all I thought about was what scared me.” Jinsoul keeps her eyes closed, but she can feel the girl’s breath. When she leans her face forward, pressing her lips to Sooyoung’s cheeks, she can taste the tears. They’ve never tasted so bittersweet. “But ever since I met you, I think of you at night. And all the fear goes away. You’re the one thing that makes me feel safe. think of all the fun we’ve had, I think of all the memories you’ve helped me make. You remind me of the good times I once had. You helped me realize that I can have that again.” 

This must be love, Jinsoul thinks. Sooyoung must love her to be rambling out all these words. And while Jinsoul’s always hated these kinds of things, people pour their heart out to her. Explaining every little detail of what they feel. This time it’s all she wants and she can’t help but want more. 

She’ll never get enough of this.

“I can’t thank you enough for that”

This must be love.

“I can’t thank you enough for making me forget how cruel the world can be because you’re so good.”

Because she’s never felt like this before.

“I can’t thank the world enough for giving me you.”

It must be more than love.

~~~~

Yayyy! Hope everyone enjoys this! Tell me how it was for you guys ^_^

I don’t have a chapter prepared for next week but I am writing, online classes are kind of draining me though so when I try to write it’s kinda just an little poof of air in my head. Next few chapters though should be fun a lot like chapter 18 heheheh

Lots of love as always mwah!