CHAPTER 25

“I-I’m sorry…” Irene said crying in front of her “I’m sorry, that I didn’t know. I’m sorry for not trying.”

“I know.” Wendy said as she reaches Irene’s face

“I’m sorry for ruining us.” Irene said bawling “Seungwan, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“I know.” Wendy said smiling as tears drops from her eyes too as she wipes Irene’s tears “It’s not just your fault, it’s our relationship and half of what went wrong was mine. I’m sorry for not letting you know. I’m sorry I ruined us too.”

“Don’t cry anymore. We’ve been shedding tears for each other for a long time now, we’ve been hurting each other far too much, we’ve been through so much pain that we both don’t deserve, it’s time we both stop now Joohyun.”

Irene looked at her as tears continue to stream down her face, didn’t know what to make out of what Wendy said or probably too clear for her heart to accept it.

“Let’s stop hurting each other.”

“Seungwan…” Irene says almost begging

“We won’t be able to start again if we won’t move on from that chapter of our life.” Wendy said smiling, her thumb gently Irene’s face “We both deserve to move on and go to another chapter.”

Irene shakes her head crying, she knows that Wendy already did but her heart can’t just accept what her mind already knows.  

“It’ll be okay.” Wendy said smiling at her through tears and then pulled Irene gently into a hug and Irene hugs her tighter like her life depended on it. “We’ll be okay.”

After few moments Wendy whispered “Joohyun…”

Irene knew that it was time to let go and she knows she has to but she’s not ready for that, instead she hugs Wendy tighter, pulling her body closer to her not wanting to let go for she knew that once she did, it’ll be another chapter of their life without each other in it.

Wendy had lost track of time of how long they been standing there like that or how long it took before Irene stops crying on her neck but she took it a sign when she felt Irene’s hold onto her loosens.

“Joohyun…” She whispers.

Irene didn’t reply, she fully unwrapped her arms from Wendy and move her head from Wendy’s neck and leaned it onto her shoulder.

Wendy holds Irene’s arms on both side and pushed herself out from her gently. “Joohyun…”

Irene looks up to her “I want to sleep, can you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

Wendy smiles at her “Of course.”

Irene lie on her side as Wendy pulled the cover to her and then sit beside her.

After a few seconds Irene grabbed Wendy’s right hand, securing it with both of her hands and bring it closer in front of her face and then closed her eyes.

Wendy didn’t say anything or pulled back and even if she tried, Irene wouldn’t let her. She look so pathetic right now, she knows that but Irene didn’t care all she wanted right now is to hold the hand she willingly put her heart to. All she cares about right now is to feel Wendy’s warmth for the last time, for the last time.

Wendy didn’t know how long it took before she felt Irene’s breathing get even and her hold to her hand loosens.

She slowly pulls her hand from Irene and when she successfully did she reached her hand to touch her face but stop herself before she could touch her face, instead she settles staring at her softly as if she won’t see her again and memorizing her face.

Tears fell unconsciously and she took it as a sign that it is now the time to go. She wipes her tears and then leaned down, planting a soft, lingering kiss on Irene’s forehead.

Wendy then pulls herself up and then looked at Irene again for good seconds before she starts walking to the door.

She then turns the knob and pulled opened the door but before she step out she gave one last look to Irene and then stepped out, closing the door.

As soon as the door closed, tears stream down Irene’s face, tears she had been holding back ever since she lies on bed, tears of pain, sadness, regret, love and letting go.

Tears for a love that started at smile and now ending with tears.

Tears for a love that had a beautiful beginning but sad ending.

Tears for a love that feels like no ending that now cross at the end of the line.

Seulgi stirs from her lips hearing the noise from her side “Wan?” she asked squinting

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

“What are you doing?” Opening her eyes fully “Are you going somewhere?” she asked seeing the luggage on Wendy’s bed.

Wendy didn’t answer.

Seulgi stepped out from her bed “Are you leaving?”

Wendy paused before she answers “Just for a few days.”

“Why?”

“You know why.” Wendy answered as she closed her luggage and carry it to the floor.

“I do understand if you feel like you need to leave but you don’t have to.” Seulgi says following Wendy who’s now heading towards the door.

“I have to and you know that.” Wendy said as she opens the door and step out.

“Wan, come on.” Seulgi says grabbing Wendy’s case “Let’s talk about it first, let’s not make a rush decision.”

“This is not a rush decision,”

 “Are you even going to tell us?”

“Of course…”

“Really? When? Before you leave or when you’re already gone?”

“Seul, I do—“

“Unnie?” Joy who just got out of her bedroom “What’s this?”

“What’s happening?” It was Yeri this time, she just got home from her schedule “Are you going overseas unnie? I thought you have no schedule for two weeks?”

“Uh, I don’t… I’m just staying somewhere for a few days.”

“Okay…” Yeri says nodding “When are you coming back?”

“I’m not sure…”

“Unnie…” It was Joy “If it’s because of what happen earlier, I’m sorry.”

“Why? What happen earlier?” Yeri asked glancing to the three, clueless.

“You have nothing to apologize, I understand where you’re coming from.”

“Can someone tell what happen?” Yeri asked again

“Let’s talk about this first okay.” Seulgi said “Let’s sit—“

“Why is no one telling me what’s happening?!” Yeri burst out making everyone stops from moving and speaking “Can someone please tell me what’s happening?!”

“Wendy unnie…” Yeri says, tearing up from frustration. “Why are you leaving?”

“I think it’s best for everyone if I should stay somewhere for a time.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t let you keep walking on eggshells here, it’s hard and unfair to any of you.” Wendy answers “You’ve been standing in a cross fire far too long and I’m really, really sorry for putting you in the middle of all this.”

“But do you really have to go?” Yeri asked “I mean, we don’t have to keep anything anymore because Irene unnie already knows.”

“The more reason that I should leave, seeing me right now will only hurt her more.” Wendy answers “We can’t be in the same place right now it’s not fair to her, to you, to any of us”

“It’s—“

“It’s not okay Yeri, it’s just not.” Wendy says cutting whatever she’s going to say “You guys might think that its okay, that you understand but it’s not, it is not. The fact that we’re still in this situation after breaking up for years now means nothing is okay… we’re still not okay and we won’t ever be okay if we keep finding ourselves in front each other.”

Yeri didn’t say anything after.

“It’s just a few days you can still call and text me whenever you want.” Wendy assures her with a smile “I’m back before you know it.”

Then they heard steps from behind and Wendy didn’t need to look to know.

“I should go…” Wendy said grabbing her case again and starts walking.

“Unnie…” Yeri called following her “Can’t you just stay? You don’t have to go no one wants you to go”

“I can’t Yeri.”

“Why is no one stopping her?” Yeri cried out in fear as she blocked Wendy “Unnie!” she screamed looking pass Wendy to see the three women behind her. She first looks for help to Joy and Seulgi but they both just looked down without a word, then she moves her gaze to Irene. Irene met her gaze but before she could encourage her to speak up, Irene tore her gaze from her and looks away.

“Unnie…” Yeri uttered helplessly looking at Irene

Wendy grabbed Yeri’s forearm gently to get her attention “It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Yeri says with a shaky voice “You leaving is not okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Wendy says in agreement “But this is what everyone needs right now. This is what Joohyun needs right now, this is what I need right now. I need to go and clear my head, I need to step back and breathe. I need to leave to sort things out and I can’t do that here, you understand that, right? Joohyun and I can’t do that if we keep seeing if other right now. We need to breathe to heal and it’s impossible to do that besides each other, because right now we are nothing but a knife to each other and we’re just going to cut ourselves unless we both get away from each other.”

She understands that but just because she understands it doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept it.

“Things will be back to normal.” Wendy says

“No, it won’t.”

“But it will be better, I promise.”

Yeri looked at her, fear flashing on her eyes “You’re not leaving us, right?”

“Of course not.” Wendy assured her with a smile “It’ll be for a few days and I’m back before you knew it.”

“You’re coming back, right?” Yeri asked again, clearly not convinced.

 “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I can think of one reason right now and that one reason alone is enough for you to just walk out that door and not come back.” Yeri says as tears starts pooling on the corner of her eyes again “It scares me to let you walk out that door because you might not come back.”

“Do you trust me?”

Yeri nodded as Wendy smiles at her “Then believe me when I tell you that I’ll come back through that door ready to annoy you again.”

“You’re not lying, right?” Yeri asked looking at Wendy’s eyes

“I’m not.”

“But you’re always lying.”

Wendy gave her a half-hearted smile “Not this time, I promise not this time.”

“You better.”

“I have every reason to come back.”

“And you have every reason to not come back too.” Fear sinking in again on her “And I un—“

Wendy cupped Yeri’s face “I love your beautiful scowling, eat-ting grin face too much to not come back running through that door to see it again.” She says grinning softly “That alone is enough to outweigh every reason why I would not come back.”

Yeri finally broke into a smile.

“Much better.” Wendy says smiling as she ruffles Yeri’s hair “Can I get a hug?”

Yeri didn’t answer.

“When I come back then.” Wendy says “Make sure to gi—“

Yeri pulled her into a hug and whispered “If you’re lying, I’ll go wherever you are and kill you.”

Wendy couldn’t help chuckling hearing a soft and not so convincing threat from Yeri “It’s not so bad dying on your hand.”

Yeri hugs Wendy tighter “I’ll miss you.”

Wendy smiles softly as hugs Yeri “I’ll miss you too.”

Wendy pulled from the hug “I should go, you still have early schedule for tomorrow and it’s getting late.”

Yeri nodded.

“Please, don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying.”

“Good, because if you are I can’t go.”

“Then, I’ll cry.”

Wendy chuckles ruffling Yeri’s hair “No, you wouldn’t.” then grabs her case and walks towards the door, she paused on the door, contemplating if she’d look back but decided not to and then went out.

Few seconds, after the door closed, Yeri turns to them, her gaze falling on Irene “Why didn’t you stop her?”

“She’s going to write another chapter of her life, I have no right to stop her even if I won’t be part of it”

Rosé was already in bed when she heard the door bell rings and she could only think of one person who would come to her apartment this late at night so she went to the door quickly and opens it, surprise was evident on her face when she saw Seungwan with a case on her “Wan, what are you—“

“I stepped.”

Rosé woke up feeling a sting of pain from her head as she felt her swollen eyes, she sits up and realized that she’s in her room. She doesn’t remember walking up to her room and the last thing she remembers was her crying on Wendy’s shoulder. She must’ve fallen asleep and Wendy carried her to her bed.

She stepped out of her bed and went out of her room.

“Hey…” She called to Wendy who was sitting at the couch of the living room doing nothing.

“Hi… how are you feeling?”

“My head hurts a little.” Rosé answered as she sits down beside her

Wendy turns to her and massaged her head “That’s to be expected, you cried so much earlier.”

Rosé closed her eyes as she let Wendy massaged her head “You did too. Your eyes are still swollen.”

“How can I not when you’re hurting because of me?” Wendy replied as she brings her hand down and looks at Rosé “I’m sorry…”

“I should be the one apologizing to you, you idiot.” Rosé said looking at Wendy guilt-ridden “I’m sorry… I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you shouldn’t.” Wendy said as she holds Rosé’s hand “But your heart is in the right place and I know you mean well…” Squeezing Rosé’s hand softly then she smiles at her “You’re forgiven.”

“Still…”

“It’s okay… I mean, it’s not really okay, what you did was wrong but your heart is in the right place and I know that you did all of that for me.”

Rosé pulled Wendy into a hug “I’m really sorry.”

Wendy returns the hug “I’m sorry too.”

“I told you, I should be the—“Rosé stops when Wendy pulled from the hug.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t realize how much pain I am putting you through because I’m too weak to know on what to do with mine. I’m sorry that I gave you the burden of getting me out because I’m too weak to do it on my own.”

“You’re not weak Wan because if you are you’d be long gone from my life.” Rosé said smiling at her “I put you in so much pain too and you had watched me lose myself not just once but twice but you’re still here. You never left me despite all the screaming, all the flying books or whatever things I could get my hands on to throws at you, all the hurtful words I said, all the unappreciated gesture, all the unreturned smile, despite everything you stayed when no one else was, you were always there for me.” Rosé said smiling as she cupped Wendy’s face softly “You’re the strongest person I know. I know that because being there for me was a lot worse than anyone can imagine and you’re there for me every second of it.”

Wendy couldn’t help smiling at Rosé’s warm words. “Yeah, you were very rude and terribly mean.”

Rosé’ chuckles heartily “I was and when I tried to apologize for everything after I got my head straight, do you remember what you told me? That I didn’t have to because I didn’t ask you to be there, I didn’t force you to stay and put up with everything, you choose to be there and that you understand everything because I was in pain,  and that I wasn’t weak I’m just in pain.” Rosé put down her hands to hold Wendy’s hand “You’re not weak, you’re in pain.”

“And when someone’s in pain the first thing they do is protect themselves from hurting more. You tend to get selfish and self-centered. You begin to get scared about everything and doubt everyone. You start building a wall so thick and high that no words, reasons or explanations can reach you. You turn blind and hide to anything to guard you and your broken heart and that’s okay… that’s okay because you’re human and no one can judge you for being a human. But what’s not okay is staying stuck inside that wall Wan.”

“You can rest and hide inside it for a while but you can’t stay because staying inside it is you staying in pain. Pain demands to be felt but it doesn’t mean you have to live with it forever and the only way to free yourself from that is by facing it head on. You can’t just stay quiet and wait in the corner and expects it to go away because it wouldn’t; it won’t go away unless you make it. Just like you how you won’t be able to go another page unless you turn it. Just like how you won’t be able to go to another chapter unless you finish the last one. You can’t just stop and let yourself get stuck on that last page because the story isn’t going the way you want it to be. You have to move and flip the page.”

“You have to move forward Wan, you have to. And you won’t be able to do that if you don’t take the first step and I know first step is always the hardest but it’s the step that will start and keep you from moving again. Take a step even if it’s hard, even if it scares you… even if it hurts because that’s the only way to move forward.”

“Will they ever forget it?” Wendy asked, she and Rosé was sitting on the couch

“The words you said to them tonight tends to get stuck.” Rosé answered “You weren’t wrong when you said that I know you, because it’s true. I know you the way you know me, we know each other. You weren’t wrong but you were unfair.”

“I know.” Wendy admits weakly “I shouldn’t have said those, just…”

“As much as I love and appreciate how you defended me and described who I am in your life, what you said tonight is so unfair to them. They’re not me Wan, they’re not me.” Rosé said looking at Wendy “They will never know you the way I do because we were at each other’s life from the very start. We grew up watching each other lie and pretend in front of people, we grew up seeing each other faking a smile and holding back a tears, we grew up learning what our eyes were saying without saying anything, we grew up reading each other’s mind, we grew up knowing what we hate and like, we grew up witnessing each other cries, hides, smiles, celebrates, sleeps, walks, run and fall, we grew up in each other eyes.”

Rosé hold her hand “They will never know you the way I do because they weren’t with us with everything that we’ve been through since the beginning. They will never know us unless they’re with us and they weren’t, they met you when you’re already you, you’re already your own person before you met them and whoever comes along, no matter how much they come to love us, they will never know us the way we both know each other.”

“We’re practically at each other’s eyes, I know that.” Wendy says weakly “I didn’t… it’s just… I don’t know… I guess, it’s the thoughts and questions bottled up inside me and it just exploded in that moment.”

“Like what?”

“Like how she would always tell me how she appreciates the way I know when’s the time she needed her own space or when she needed me to just sit and be there for her. How thankful she was because instead of words, I would comfort her with a hug that she needed most when things get hard. How much she feels safe and warm the way I would always hold her when she’s scared and was about to cry.  Like how she would tell me that she loves the way I know her and I would tell her it’s because I love her, that’s why I know. It’s because I love her so, that’s why I know her.”

“Then suddenly a question would just creep on my head, so why can’t you do the same? Why can’t you tell that I needed you to be there? Why can’t you see that I’m hurting? You love me, right? You love me the same way I love you, right? So, why can’t you? Or it’s just me who was thinking that you love me the same way?”

“I know how absurd the questions were so I tried, real hard to get those questions off my mind but for some reason they would always find their way back and plays in my head over and over. I know she loves me, I trust that she loves me that’s why I never voice it out and just pushed it down.” Wendy said as she looks down, tears starts pooling on the corner of her eyes “It’s just one day, I watched her walked out of the room leaving me and all our plans for the day and then it hit me… I know she loves me. I just don’t know if she loves me enough, if she’s giving me enough.”

“Then why didn’t you tell her that what she’s giving you isn’t enough?”

“Because every time that I would try and tell her, I’d look at her and I’d just realize this woman in front of me chooses me over everyone else, that should be more than enough, right? How could I ask her to give me more when she chose me over everyone else? And then I’d end up doubting and questioning myself, is she not really giving me enough or I’m just asking for too much?”

“Did you find your answer?”

“I did… and that’s it’s not enough that she chose me once, that choosing me alone will never be enough, it’s not enough but it was already too late…. I’m already tired.” Wendy answers weakly “Too tired to tell her that it’s not enough, too tired to ask her to give me more, that I needed more. I’m just so tired. I’m just so tired.”

Rosé didn’t say anything and just hugged Wendy.

“Do you think if I had tried to hold on a little longer, little more… do you think things would turn out differently?”

Rosé pulled from the hugged gently and looked at her. “No, it won’t. Holding on more won’t change anything not unless you tell her what’s happening, not unless you tell her what you’re feeling, not until you become honest with her.”

“I guess, it was my entire fault after all.”

“No, it’s not.” Rosé shakes her head “It’s not just your fault. It was both your fault. Irene continued her life living inside a bubble you once both lived in not realizing that it had long blew up by the rain that starts pouring down on you both. She failed to see that so it became a storm that drowned you.”

“She failed to see that you were drowning even though you’re right before her eyes, which was her biggest mistake but it wasn’t her fault that you didn’t ask for her help when she’s right there in front of you, it was yours. You were both wrong, both made a mistake and both at fault from what happen between you two.”