CHAPTER 23

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“So, as I was saying, I thought about it and her touring us and meeting her isn’t really necessary so I figured I’d save all of us from everything and all.” Rosé said on the phone talking to Wendy as she drives.

Wendy chuckles at Rosé’s words “Everything and all? You’re talking as if you had just saved us from something bad.”

There was a silence from Rosé’s line. “Fiancé, you still there?”

“Yeah, yeah… So I told her, actually I just texted her since she wasn’t answering my call that you can just tour me around and we can spend time to each other alone and that I’m thankful to her offer and that I appreciate it and she sent me a reply just now that she understand and that if we have time maybe we can go grab dinner.”

“She’s nice.” Wendy said

Rosé didn’t answer.

“Maybe we should grab dinner with her.” Wendy suggested

“I’m not sure.” Rosé replied.

“Come on, I haven’t really meet some of your friends because they live in Paris and it’s really a wasted opportunity if one of them is here in Korea and I don’t meet her.”

“She’s not my friend, she’s just someone I happened to meet in work and decided to friendly.”

“Still... the word ‘friend’ is there and I’ll take it.” Wendy said 

“I’m almost there” Rosé said changing the subject

“Okay, I’ll be waiting~” Wendy said on the other line then hung up.

After a few minutes, Rosé reached the entrance of the parking lot and made her way inside. Smile tugged on her lips when she saw Wendy waving her hands but soon disappear when she saw a familiar figure behind Wendy.

“Irene…”

Rosé parked her car but didn’t move to get out as she look towards Irene’s figure “ Irene, why do you have to be here?”

Then she saw Wendy walking towards her.

Rosé bit her lower lip tapping her finger on the steering wheel as Wendy walks closer and closer “ it.” She muttered as she took off her seatbelt and grabbed the paper bag placed on the passenger seat and stepped out.

“Hi…” Wendy greeted her with a smile

“Hi.” Rosé returned the smile “This is for you.” She said as she handed the paper bag she’s holding

“What’s this?” Wendy asked as she peak inside it

“I baked some cookies.”

Wendy looked up to her, surprised “You baked?”

Rosé shrugged “I’m trying to find a new talent, you’re lucky you’re the one who got to eat it first.”

“I’m honored.” Wendy said chuckling as she ruffled Rosé’s hair “I’m sure it’ll be great. Thank you.”

“You know I’m not a kid anymore, right?” Rosé said as she tries to fix her hair “And it’s weird that someone shorter than me is ruffling my hair like that.”

“I wasn’t always shorter than you, alright? I have become taller than you at one point in our life” Wendy argues as Rosé laughs

“Yeah, when we were like nine and you tried wearing your mother’s heels because you wanted to impress me because I cannot stand straight wearing heels.”

“I didn’t.” Wendy deadpan

Rosé laughs echoed the parking lot “We both know that you did, no matter how much you deny it.”

“You are not going to let that go, aren’t you?”

Rosé laughs shaking her head.

Wendy sighed in defeat.

“Just so you know, you did impress me.” Rosé said as Wendy laughs cheerily “Your dedication is incomparable.”

“Then, I guess a lifetime of teasing is all worth it.”

Rosé just stared at Wendy as she laughs.

“What?” Wendy asked noticing her sudden silent.

“Nothing…” Rosé answered

“You have that I-have-something-to-tell-you but I-don’t-know-how-to-tell-you look.” Wendy said as she looked at her softly “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know, just… I was just thinking about something.” Rose replied “Can I ask you something stupid?”

“You can always ask me anything, it doesn’t matter if it’s stupid or weird like why orange juice is yellow.” Wendy answered animatedly making Rosé laughs “So, what question got you so worried about?”

“What if someday I have to desperately do something, like my life depended on it but I can’t do it. That no matter how hard I wanted to I just can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Because I will lose a part of me in doing it, something I’m sure I’m not prepared to lose.”

“Then don’t.” Wendy told her “If it’s something you can’t lose, then don’t lose it.”

 “But I will end up losing myself if I don’t, if I haven’t yet.” Rosé answered sadly “But even though I knew that fact, I just can’t bring myself to do it, will you do it for me instead?”

“I will.” Wendy answered without hesitation “You know I will.”

“Even if you’re not sure if you’re going to succeed?”

“Even if there’s a zero ing chance, I’ll take it and I’ll do it.” Wendy said

“Even if you have to hurt someone in the process?”

Wendy took Rosé’s hand and held it “There’s no way in hell that I am going to let you lose yourself and me losing you.”

Rosé gave Wendy a warm, soft smile as she raise both her hand and cupped her face “You know, I love you right?”

“And I love you too.” Wendy said without missing a beat as her worries grow wider when Rosé’s eyes starts tearing up.

“And that I’ll do anything for you too.” Rosé said staring at her.

Wendy wanted to ask her more but let all the question go or more like threw it all away when something she swore she wouldn’t let appear in Rosé’s eyes anymore shows up.

She had witness that looked in her eyes before, she would recognize that look in a heartbeat. Her hearts starts beating terrifyingly as memory of it plays in her mind.  She’d only seen it twice and the memory of both occasions is still vivid like it was yesterday and not years ago. She swore to herself and to Rosé that she would never let it appear anymore and now it’s there, staring right back at her and it scaring Wendy to death because she almost lost Rosé on both occasion.

Wendy could feel herself tearing up, just the thought of losing her is breaking her heart, but she swallowed all the tears that’s making its way up, she can’t break down in front of her, not right now. Not when Rosé’s in this state “Whatever it is, I promise it’s going to be okay.” She said softly as if Rosé would break if her voice went a little higher. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Rosé just smiled at her and that terrifies Wendy more. This scares her more because Rosé didn’t lock herself up in a dark room sitting on the corner hugging her knees to her chest. This scares her more because Rosé isn’t crying in agony, she’s not throwing a thing at her nor screaming at her, she’s standing still smiling at her.

This terrifies her more because even though Rosé had that same look in her eyes from both occasion, something is different and she doesn’t know what is it and not knowing it terrifies her more than anything.

“Talk to me.” Wendy said desperately “Please, talk to me, I’m—Rosé…” She trailed as Rosé starts leaning down to her and then stops, her lips only inch away from her own.

“What are you doing?” Wendy asked with both confusion and frighten expression but didn’t push her away, she locked her eyes with her, searching for any sign to answer why she wore that look in her eyes. “Tel—“

“I’m taking you away from her.” Rosé answered and before Wendy can question her, she closed the gap between them and kiss her.

“Irene Unnie!”

Yeri’s screamed pulled Wendy from her senses, as she pulled away from Rosé and turns behind her and saw Irene running towards the elevator. Then she saw Yeri, Joy and Seulgi running pass them following Irene.

Everything was happening all at the same time that she could not process any of it.

She seems like to get a grip on things when the elevator the three stepped in closed. She stared at the closed door for a few seconds then turns to Rosé. She didn’t need to say a word for Rosé to know what’s running on her mind at the very moment, the question itself is screaming on her face.

“Get in the car.” Rosé said as she turns walking towards her car as Wendy follows her without question.

The whole ride going to Rosé’s hotel is filled with silence and tension. Rosé just focused herself on driving as Wendy kept her silence no matter how much the question from her mind is screaming to get out.

They both stepped out of the car, stepped inside the elevator, stops on Rosé’s floor and walk towards her room without a word.

Rosé stepped inside her room first as Wendy followed her and as soon as she closed the door, the words that wanting to get out finally went out.

“What was that?” Wendy asked, her tone doesn’t hold an anger nor annoyance only confusion

“Remember the woman I told you I met in Paris, the woman who offered to tour us around tomorrow?” Rosé asked and by the look on Wendy’s face she knew she already gets it, still she said “It’s Irene. I wanted to at least spare her tomorrow so I texted her that she didn’t need to accompany us. It’s not my fault that she was there earlier.”

“You knew that she was there that’s why kissed me”

“I wanted to see the look on her face when it dawns to her of what she threw away and took for granted.” Rosé told her “And honestly, it’s not as satisfying as I thought it would be.”

“Is that what’s this all about? Because you’re angry.”

“It’s not anger, Wan its hate.” Rosé stated

“No, it’s not… you are not capable of hating anyone.”

Rosé fell silent.

“Why?”

“I told you, I get to hate her even if you don’t.”

“I know you and that’s not you.” Wendy said tears forming at the edge of her eyes “You would never do something like this, you would never hurt anyone.”

“For you, I will.” Rosé said as tears threaten to fall down “That’s how much I love you.”

“Rosé…” Wendy muttered as tears pour down her face 

As tears start falling from Rosé’s eyes too “You are my heart and she broke you apart.”

“And you are my heart too, that’s why I know that you’ll never do something like this.” Wendy said as she holds both Rosé’s hand, her eyes begging, and lips quivering “So, please tell me why.”

Rosé looked away, tears streaming down her face.

“Was it me?” Wendy asked the only possible explanation on why Rosé would do something like this.

Rosé looked down not meeting Wendy’s gaze.

“It’s me, isn’t it?”

Rosé finally looked up meeting her gaze, her tears falling down “You begged me to do it.”

“Are you drunk again?” Rosé asked on the line seeing Wendy on the phone

“A little.” Wendy giggle

Rosé sighed sadly seeing Wendy’s figure on the camera “What happen?”

“This, that… this again and that again.” Wendy answered vaguely

“You mean her again?”

Wendy smiles tearfully “It’s always her. I just can’t understand her. She said she love me, to give us a second chance but then she’d let him court her, take her on a date. How am I supposed to believe her?”

“I thought she said, she didn’t mean for him to court her.” Rosé said, remembering what Wendy told her the other night

“And that hurts, not because he’s courting her but by the fact that she agreed to him on courting her because she was hurt and that she’s in pain and he was there, just because he was ing there! I was in pain too for as long as I remember…I was hurting so much even before I ended things with her but never once, not for a ing second that I thought of, of looking at someone else. Not even in my breaking point that I thought of finding comfort in someone else.” Wendy said as she starts crying “It’s always her even if she wasn’t there. It’s only her even when she’s breaking me inside out and still her at this moment.”

Rosé looked away from the camera, shutting her eyes, biting her lower lip as she tries to stop her tears from falling as Wendy cries. Seeing Wendy like this but she can’t do a damn thing breaks everything inside her.

“I was always there, every day, every moment, and every ing minute of her life and she was just passing on me like I wasn’t there. What does that make me?” Wendy asked as she notices Rosé looking sideway with tears falling down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” Wendy said as she wipes her own tears.

Rosé wipes her tears hastily as she took a breath before she looked at the camera again.

 “I know it hurts you seeing me like this, I just…”

“It’s okay.” Rosé comforts her with a smile

Wendy reached her hand to her phone as if to wipes Rosé’s tears “I’m sorry I couldn’t wipe it for you even though I cause it.”

Rosé’s tears falls “I’m sorry, I couldn’t be there for you right now.”

Wendy shook her head slowly as she gave Rosé a smile “You’re always with me. You are on the other side of the earth but you never made me feel like you are. You’re always there to listen, to cry with me, to smile for me, you’re always here even when you’re not, thank you I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“But it’s not enough...” She said with tears falling “I just wish I can take all your pain away.”

“Instead of taking my pain away, I wish that you can take me away from here because after everything that happens, I still find myself wanting to come back to her. I’m trying so hard to walk away from her but I can’t do it… I just can’t.”

“You don’t have to walk away you just have to let it go.”

“That’s the problem… I don’t want to let it go.” Wendy said as she looks down “She’s a part of me I don’t think I can let go even though she’s the very part that’s killing me and I don’t know how much more of it I can take before I completely break.”

“Rosé…” Wendy called her name, Rosé looked at her mix emotions surging inside her because Wendy only calls her by her name when she’s crying for help. “Please take me away from her because I can’t do it myself. Take me away from her before I lose it.”

“Wan…”

 “I’m begging you Rosé, please take me away from her.”

Wendy’s face fell down, guilt and anger to herself reflected to her face. It was her who made Rosé do this.

“It’s not your fault Wan, you’re in pain and you’re drunk, I’m just…  I’m so tired seeing you breaking over and over again” Rosé said as tears fall down her cheeks “I’m so tired, Wan.” She said pleading as she looked down crying “I’m just so tired.”

Wendy stood still looking at Rosé, not knowing what to, what to say, feeling guilty and sad for Rosé and angry at herself for hurting Rosé this much as tears found its way out of her eyes again and roll down her face.

Rosé wipes her tears as she looked up at Wendy “I know you’re in pain and I also know that no matter how aware I am of how much you are hurting, I will never be able to comprehend or understand how painful it is because I’m not you and I am not going to pretend that I know what it’s like because it’s your pain, not mine.”

“Do you know what my pain is?” Rosé asked as her eyes starts tearing up again “It’s to see you losing yourself and all I can do is stand in front and just watch you.” She told Wendy as her tears falls down again “Do you have any idea what it’s like to watch someone who means the world to you cries herself to sleep, drown herself in alcohol to forget, to smile all day just to break down at night, do you have any idea what it’s like to watch you lose yourself in front of my eyes but I can’t do anything to stop it?”

“It’s like dying Wan.” Rosé said crying “It hurts so bad that even looking at you makes me cry, it hurts so bad because I feel like I already lost you even when you’re still here.”

And that’s when Wendy realized it. This was it.

This was the reason why that looked from the past appeared on Rosé’s eyes earlier.

She would recognize that look in Rosé’s eyes whenever and anywhere in a heartbeat, the look on Rosé’s eyes when she lost someone that felt like she lost everything.

Tears falls down Wendy’s cheeks as she stares at Rosé.

In Rosé’s eyes, she lost someone again. And it was her this time.

 “You’re the one who pulled me out of the dark room, you stayed even when I’m screaming at you, pushing you away. It was you who pulled me up when I buried myself so deep that I can’t get back up anymore. You pulled me up and you stayed with me twice… twice Wan and the fact that I can’t pull you up that the way you did for me is breaking everything inside me.” Rosé said her lips quivering as she looks down crying “You saved me twice but there’s nothing I can do to save you.”

Wendy quickly engulfs Rosé in an embrace as her own tears pour down.

“I can’t let you lose yourself in this battle Wan, you’re all I have.” Rosé muttered as she cries on Wendy’s shoulder “So even if there’s only a slight chance to pull you in this hole I will, even if I need to be the bad guy and hurt someone in the process. If taking you away from her is our only chance so you wouldn’t lose yourself, if taking you away is the only way… I will take you from her.”