'I'm a prisoner to my addiction. I'm addicted to a life that's so empty and so cold. I'm a prisoner to my decisions'

~

‘“Youngjae. I told you.” Keonhee scolded the young pup. Youngjae didn’t look at her. “You need to stop being so destructive.” She continued. The pup gripped his fists, his entire body trembling. His mother noticed this and sighed. She knelt down and caressed his hair. “Youngjae, revenge isn’t the way to go about things. It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hurt others.” She lectured, this time her tone was softer.

“I didn’t do anything.” The 6-year-old finally said.

The head omega didn’t say anything.

Youngjae’s fists tightened at his mother’s silence. He turned to look at her, “Umma I didn’t do anything.” He said again. His mother frowned when she saw his red eye. “I didn’t hurt him.” The six-year-old said again. “Youngjae, don’t lie. It’s okay to be honest, we all make mistakes we just need to learn from them.”

Youngjae’s teeth gritted. “I didn’t do anything!” He snapped, “He pushed me. And I told him to say sorry, but he pushed me again. I wanted to push him back, but I didn’t because you said that’d be mean. So, I told him Id tell his mom, but he pushed me again and I got mad. He was gonna do it again, but when he looked at me, he stopped moving and then he started crying.” Youngjae explained.

Keonhee closed her eyes, a heavy sigh escaped her lips, but she didn’t say a word. Youngjae hated her silence. “Umma, I didn’t hurt him!” He argued. She looked away from him. “Umma!” he stomped his foot in frustration. His left eye turned a deeper shade of red.

Keonhee rubbed her temples, thinking to herself.

“Umma!” Youngjae pulled at her sleeve.

“That’s enough.” She pulled her arm away from him, looking back at him. “We’ll discuss this later.” She said. “But for now, you need to go to your room.”

Youngjae’s eyes widened at her words. He shook his head. “I don’t ant to go to my room.”

“You have to. Your eye is red again.”

“No. It’s Kihyun’s birthday, I want to be at his party.” Youngjae insisted. “I’m sorry Youngjae, but you can’t.” Keonhee said regretfully. Youngjae’s bottom lip quivered, “Why do I always have to hide?” His eyes stung at his question. “You know why.” His mother sighed. “When you calm down you can come out. I’ll come back and check on you and if your eye is back to normal then I’ll let you out and join Kihyun’s party.”

“I don’t know why! Why do I have to hide? Is my eye that bad? Am I ugly? Do you not like me because of my eye?” Youngjae’s eyes watered.

At that moment, the front door opened. “Hey, you guys ready? We’re about to start the party soon.” Leeteuk entered the cabin. Keonhee quickly stood up, blocking Youngjae’s red eye from her mate’s view. “I’ll be out in a minute.” She smiled at him. Leeteuk nodded and went back outside.

Keonhee’s shoulders dropped in relief. “I have to go. I’ll tell the other’s that you’re not feeling well and that you’ll be out if you when and if you feel better.” She told Youngjae, with that she left the cabin leaving her son alone.

Youngjae’s lips quivered as tears streamed down his cheeks. He ran into his room and slammed the door behind him. He fell to the ground and hugged his knees, burying his face into them. More tears slid down his cheeks. He knew his mother’s words were just empty promises. She wasn’t going to come back for him. She never did.

He squeezed his eyes shut, slipping himself into his own darkness.

“Youngjae. I told you.” He heard a distant whisper.

“You need to stop being destructive.”

“Huh, why are you so destructive?”

“Why are you like this?”

“Youngjae.”

The little boy lifted his head at the sound of his mother’s voice. His eyes shot wide at the dead bodies in front of him.

Jackson’s.

Shownu’s.

His mother’s.

His heart pounded in his chest in terror. He jumped to his feet and ran to the door. However, the door refused to budge when he tried to open it. “Umma~!” he cried pulling at the knob. “Umma.” He pried at the door, but it refused to crack. His vision blurred the harder he pried. He wiped his tears with the palm of his hand.

But when he brought his hand back down, he was horrified to see that it was covered in blood.

“I told you.”’

Youngjae shot up from his sleep, gasping for air. He grabbed his heavy chest, unable to breathe. Silent tears streamed down his cheeks. ‘Had I been crying?’ He looked out the window to see that it was still night time. “Leave me alone.” He whispered. He could still hear his mother’s voice in his head. “Leave me alone!” he shoved everything off his night stand.

“Youngjae. Your eye.”

Youngjae froze at the whisper in his ear. He slowly slid out of bed and walked toward his dresser. He stared at himself in the mirror. He touched his cheek just below his left eye. “Damn it!” he slammed his fist against the polished wood. His eye was red.

He inhaled and exhaled slowly, over and over again in an attempt to calm his nerves. But his blood still ran high. He looked down at the dresser-top. His eyes landed on the sugar packets that Daehyun gave him. Though he threw away the gift bag, he managed to slip out the sugars without the elder noticing. He lazily reached for three of the packets and swallowed all the sugar down raw.

“This is ridiculous.” He laughed to himself as he flopped onto his bed.

He couldn’t fall asleep. Instead, he laid there with his eyes closed until the sun rose.

Youngjae furrowed his brow at the sound of commotion coming from outside. He didn’t climb back out of bed until he heard urgent knocking on their front door.

The omega cracked open his bedroom door, enough to see Ms. Chae talking to his father. The healer had a grim look on her face. “She’s…” she couldn’t find the strength to finish her sentence. “Take me to her.” Leeteuk got the idea anyway. The beta nodded and led him outside.

Youngjae looked around and caught Kihyun peeking from his room as well. The two made eye contact and without sharing a word they both left their rooms and quickly ran outside to follow the two older pack members.

The entire pack was gathered around the healer cabin, waiting for the healer and leader to come back out. Youngjae and Kihyun squeezed their way to the front where their friends stood. Kihyun looked to Hyungwon who was the only one out of the group who stared firmly at the healer’s door. “Hyungwon?” Kihyun asked hesitantly. “What’s going on?”

“It’s Ms. Choi.” Was Hyungwon’s short answer. But that was enough for Kihyun and Youngjae to understand. “Zelo is inside with them. He’s not handling it so well.” Hyungwon’s gaze lowered in sympathy for the young omega. Kihyun bit his lip and whispered a quick prayer for the family of two.

Jinyoung glanced at Youngjae who stood beside him. He noticed the younger’s tired eyes. “Are you alright?” he asked quietly. “Don’t worry about me.” Youngjae responded barely above a whisper. Jinyoung nodded in understanding. “Zelo and his mom were out early this morning when she suddenly collapsed. She was unresponsive and her body was unbelievably cold. Hyungwon and Wonho helped Zelo carry her to the healer cabin. He hasn’t come out since.” Jinyoung explained, giving him a little background over what was going on. Youngjae was silent as he stared at the wooden cabin.

The pack waited in front of the cabin for hours, only a few members tapered off to perform their morning chores. It wasn’t until another hour later when Leeteuk stepped out the cabin.

Everyone went silent, engrossed by what their chief had to say. Leeteuk gave the entire group a warm, gentle smile, slightly putting them at ease. “I thank you all for your care and support. The Choi family, Heiran, and I are truly grateful.” His eyes softened as he looked among his pack members. “Heiran is an excellent healer and I am honored to have her as part of our pack. She has worked extremely hard and has done her best in curing our dearest HaEun. Unfortunately, she could not defy fate. And so, today we lose a precious pack member.”

Hushed murmurs and gasps spread throughout the large throng. Youngjae closed his eyes. “HaEun has been a loyal and key member to our family. We’ll have a proper burial for her within the next couple of days, so please plan accordingly so we can give her a well-deserved farewell.” Leeteuk instructed.

“As you know, HaEun had one son, Choi Junhong. She was his only family member, so I know you can imagine what he’s going through. He’s still fairly young so I implore that you all please be mindful of him and help him make it through this unfortunate time. That’s all I have to say for now. If any of you are affected by this news and need to speak to someone please do not hesitate to speak to me or any of the pack elders.” Leeteuk bowed to his pack, thanked them one last time and went back inside the healer’s cabin.

The group remained in front of the cabin for a moment longer before dispersing. Everyone reluctantly returned to their daily routines and work. “Hyungwon. Can I go in and check on Zelo?” Kihyun turned to the beta. “No one is allowed in right now, but since you’re part of the head family I guess it should be okay.” Hyungwon nodded. “thank you.” Kihyun thanked and followed the younger into the cabin.

“This .” Wonho frowned. “Ms. Choi was the only family Zelo had.” Changkyun was heartbroken by the thought. “Yongguk needs to come back soon. For Zelo’s sake at least.” Jinyoung sighed. The others nodded in agreement before parting ways.

Youngjae was the only one who remained in front of the cabin. He stepped up to the door and pressed his ear against the wood. He could clearly hear the cries of the young omega. “Why?” He heard him sniffle. “She was getting better. She looked better. She was happier. She was full of energy.” His voice trembled. “So…why did she…how…” Zelo burst into tears, unable to comprehend what was happening.

Youngjae pulled away from the door, unable to bare his cries. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Damn it.” He cursed under his breath and walked away from the cabin.

Youngjae stumbled into his own cabin to his room. He grabbed his cellphone and called Yongguk.

“Hey, I haven’t gotten an update for you today yet. Don’t you think it’s a bit early to call? I’m almost do-,” “Yongguk.” Youngjae cut him off.

Yongguk paused, catching onto the seriousness in the younger’s tone. “What is it?”

“You need to come back. Now.”

“What?”

Youngjae took a deep breath. “You need to come back now. Zelo’s mom…Ms. Choi…She passed away this morning.” He finally said.

There was a pause on the other line. “Wh-What?” Yongguk questioned, but the omega didn’t respond.

“Damn it Youngjae.” A heavy sigh sounded on the other end. “I’ll be there early tomorrow morning. I’m almost done here.”

Youngjae nodded, despite the elder not being able to see and ended the call.

The omega closed his eyes again in a second attempt to force himself to calm his emotions.

“I told you.”

Youngjae’s eyes shot open. It felt as if the words were whispered right into his ear.

“I told you.”

He nearly dropped to the ground when he saw the reflection of his smiling mother in the mirror. But when he looked back at the glass, he was met with his own reflection, his left eye bleeding red again. “.” Youngjae forced his eyes shut again. However, when he closed his eyes, he saw the image of his mother staring at him with worried eyes.

Youngjae quickly opened his eyes again. His heart pounded in his chest. A warm sheet of sweat perspired on his skin. “What’s wrong with me?” He groaned, stumbling back into his dresser. ‘It’s okay. You just need to calm down.’ He could hear his mother’s words clearly. ‘Take a deep breath. Inhale and exhale slowly. Close your eyes.’

Youngjae shook his head. They were the instructions his mother gave him whenever his eye turned red in order to get it back to normal.

‘It’s okay. Calm down and stay here.’

“No.” Youngjae shook his head. He felt like a little kid again, and it was just him and his mother standing in his room.

‘Once you calm down and your eye is back to normal, you can come back out, Okay?’ His mother would smile.

“No. I don’t want to stay.” Youngjae’s eyes stung.

‘Ill come back and get you.’

“Shut up!” Youngjae screamed. He grabbed one of his family photos from his dresser and through it across the room.

The sound of glass shattering echoed throughout the room as the picture frame crashed into the wall.

‘Youngjae, I told you.’

Youngjae fell to his knees. “Shut up. It’s not my fault.” He begged weakly.

I told you.

“It’s not my fault.” For once he was glad that his father and brother were gone. He was glad that they were occupied at the Healer’s hut.

“It’s not my fault.”

He didn’t want them to see him like this.

I told you.

He didn’t want to them to see him unraveling.

Youngjae forced his tears from escaping and stood back up. At that moment his phone vibrated, indicating that he had a text. His eyes narrowed when he saw the ID. He read the message anyway.

‘I need to talk to you.’

Youngjae gripped the phone tightly. That was the last person he wanted to even think about. He glared at the phone and typed his response.

After sending the message Youngjae turned off his phone and laid down on his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, afraid to close his eyes, afraid to look anywhere else. He had to calm down. He had to. Not for his sake, but for his family. He couldn’t give his father and brother any reason to worry about him, not after the death of Zelo’s mother. And especially since this wasn’t going to be the only news of the death of a pack member, and he knew that neither of them will take it well.

For the rest of the day Youngjae waited in his room to force himself to calm down. He came out occasionally so that no one would be suspicious of his absence. He went out to perform a few chores and paid his respects shortly to Zelo. “How is he?” Jaebum stopped Youngjae when he exited the healer’s cabin. “It’s exactly as you imagine.”

Jaebum slightly narrowed his eyes, studying him. He was unusually calm. Too calm for what he was usually like. Youngjae forced a crooked smile. “Whatever it is you’re thinking, it’s exactly that.” “What are you up to?” Jaebum finally asked.

Youngjae laughed at the question. “I’m not up to anything. So…” He paused in thought, an idea came to him. He cocked his head to the side and studied Jaebum for a little bit. A natural crook up- the corner of his lips. “…well…If you really want to know. I have to go to the city tonight.”

The alpha raised an eyebrow at this. Youngjae straightened up, “I’m meeting someone tonight. You were wondering what was bothering me, right? That’s who I’m meeting.”

Jaebum furrowed his brow, waiting for him to continue.

“He’s the one that’s going to be the death of me.” Youngjae finally said as he smiled.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s going to end me.” Youngjae said this time more in thought. He was about to walk away when Jaebum grabbed his arm. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ll be back before morning.” Youngjae told him. “Youngjae~.” Jaebum refused to let go. Jaebum’s eyes widened when Youngjae looked back at him. Something was wrong. The omega was not himself. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself for now. More bad news is coming.” Youngjae’s words were nearly silent.

Jaebum continued to grip his arm, refusing to let go. “If you’re really curious, then I’ll send you the address of where I’m at.” Youngjae slipped from his grip. “I’ll see you later.” He said knowingly and walked away. He knew the alpha would come looking for him. But that was okay. He had a plan. A sly smirk crept on his lips as he walked back to his cabin.

That evening he went to bed early, claiming that he was still tired from their trip the night before. He waited until it was far past midnight before he made his escape out the village to the city.

Daehyun stood in front of the club. He was somewhat surprised at himself for making the trip all the way to the north on such a whim, he just praye