Ripped: I'm just a FAN
☠I'll Rip Your Story to Bits.☠ Reviews && Fanfic Help [Closed]
Title: I'm just a FAN
Author: AnneTOP
Reviewer: alwyasinluv
Owner Rating: Good to go.
Posted: 12.10.12
Status: not yet picked-up and credited.
Your Story is Called What?!: ☠☠☠
Your title is very mediocre. As a potential reader, I could tell that it’s a fan about a fan meeting a celeb blah blah blah. What would make me want to read this two-shot, if I didn’t even belong in this fandom?
So this Thing Right Here...That's a Description and a Foreword...? You've Got to be Kidding Me!: ☠☠☠☠
I think it’s okay, but it pretty much summarizes the whole story so , the readers probably know what the ENTIRE fic is going to be about. Keep it concise, interesting. Add a random weird quote from one of the characters.
I'm Ready To Stab Your Characters Now: ☠☠☠☠
Since this is a two-shot, I can see how you can’t elaborate on characters. Well guess what, you can. A two-shot is just a short story, it doesn’t mean that it has to be shallow. The best way for characterization would be skipping a character chart, and mentioning their ways of speech. Instead of typing ‘”….,” she said’
Your title is very mediocre. As a potential reader, I could tell that it’s a fan about a fan meeting a celeb blah blah blah. What would make me want to read this two-shot, if I didn’t even belong in this fandom?
So this Thing Right Here...That's a Description and a Foreword...? You've Got to be Kidding Me!: ☠☠☠☠
I think it’s okay, but it pretty much summarizes the whole story so , the readers probably know what the ENTIRE fic is going to be about. Keep it concise, interesting. Add a random weird quote from one of the characters.
I'm Ready To Stab Your Characters Now: ☠☠☠☠
Since this is a two-shot, I can see how you can’t elaborate on characters. Well guess what, you can. A two-shot is just a short story, it doesn’t mean that it has to be shallow. The best way for characterization would be skipping a character chart, and mentioning their ways of speech. Instead of typing ‘”….,” she said’
you could type, 'she growled’ for a frustrated character.
Bom:
Yes it’s kinda weird seeing superstar Bom as a humble fan girl. Personally, I think that it would be awesome if she was the one who threw her bra at TOP.
She seems too humble. Too average. Too normal. That may be your point, but what makes her stand out from the crowd for TOP? Is it because she’s pretty? Or does her whole being radiate some kind of attention-getting power?
If you’re trying to express her as an avid VIP, then emphasize that. Like add aspects of her fangirl obsession into her speech, make her use weird exclusiveforvipsonly terminology or jargon.
I guess the key is to make her seem real. Make her seem like the girl next door. Describe her gait, describe her thoughts, she’s alone without her friends so what comes to her mind of other girls with their friends?
TOP
He just seems like the average nice guy, who is fortunately very hot. But he seems to shallow, no depth for his actions.
The Rest
Big Bang are celebrities. They’re a group, yes, but that doesn’t mean that they have to ‘chorus’.
As for CL, she’s okay, she’s just a side character, she could play Bom’s mother for god’s sake and nobody would care. In this case, CL is just a name. nothing more, nothing less.
Are You Sure You Know What You're Doing?: ☠☠☠☠☠
Again, this is a two-shot, but it really could use more plot. It’s just about Bom meeting and trying to get TOP’s attention, then the last chapter, bam! Happily-ever-after.
There’s nothing really unique about this two-shot. And it’s not very realistic either, if you’re going in that direction. Stars and celebrities are probably just way too busy to notice or care….what would even make TOP notice a certain fan amidst a million faces?
There weren’t really enough twists.
Let me rephrase that, there weren’t any twists at all.
Better Stay In School and Listen to your English professor: ☠☠☠☠
Your grammar.is.horrible. I am a Grammar Nazi and I wouldn’t even bother putting you in a concentration camp. I mean I fully understand your understanding of skipping a line when a different character talks, but there are no paragraphs! Seriously, it’s just conversation conversation conversation. I think it would be better if you added more description or detail.
As for the grammar, I think you should just trust Microsof Word 75.8% but use your prior grammar knowledge too. However, if English is your second or third language, it doesn’t hurt to try and write correctly, it’ll help your English too.
I Can See Why You Like Writing Better Than Arts: ☠☠
The big problem I have are the tons of spaces. You probably pressed enter tons of times. I guess you’re trying to fake that you don’t have enough words, but if it’s short it’s okay, it’s a one-shot for god’s sake!
The poster is okay, but doesn’t have a lot of impact. The text seems a bit pixelated and needs to stand out more against the black background.
*YAAAWNNNN* Meter: ☠☠☠☠☠
Better Stay In School and Listen to your English professor: ☠☠☠☠
Your grammar.is.horrible. I am a Grammar Nazi and I wouldn’t even bother putting you in a concentration camp. I mean I fully understand your understanding of skipping a line when a different character talks, but there are no paragraphs! Seriously, it’s just conversation conversation conversation. I think it would be better if you added more description or detail.
As for the grammar, I think you should just trust Microsof Word 75.8% but use your prior grammar knowledge too. However, if English is your second or third language, it doesn’t hurt to try and write correctly, it’ll help your English too.
I Can See Why You Like Writing Better Than Arts: ☠☠
The big problem I have are the tons of spaces. You probably pressed enter tons of times. I guess you’re trying to fake that you don’t have enough words, but if it’s short it’s okay, it’s a one-shot for god’s sake!
The poster is okay, but doesn’t have a lot of impact. The text seems a bit pixelated and needs to stand out more against the black background.
*YAAAWNNNN* Meter: ☠☠☠☠☠
The plot seemed to cliché, and there isn’t much characterization. However, I became quite amused while writing this review and pointing out all your horrible mistakes. Hope it helped.
VERDICT: ☠☠☠☠/☠☠☠☠☠
VERDICT: ☠☠☠☠/☠☠☠☠☠
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