Ripped: I'm not Bella
☠I'll Rip Your Story to Bits.☠ Reviews && Fanfic Help [Closed]
Title: I'm not Bella
Author: Jaejae
Reviewer: --xdaydreamer
Posted: 12.09.12
Status: picked-up and credited.
Your Story is Called What?! ☠
Your title was simple and straight to the point: something I always look for in a title. When I first saw it, I was anticipating something interesting and that's a good thing. It really drew me in.
It also matched the story line perfectly, so good job on that part.
It also matched the story line perfectly, so good job on that part.
So this Thing Right Here...That's a Description and a Foreword...? You've Got to be Kidding Me!: ☠☠
I like how you bolded some of the key words in your description and made them a vibrant red. It really attracted my attention and intrigued me. Another thing I liked is how you didn't give away the whole plot line, instead gave a simple tidbit of the story. You didn't make it too long, which I also liked, because sometimes descriptions are so long and boring. Yours was the complete opposite, though!
I don't really think the quotes were necessary, since the first few sentences of the description were fine on it's own, but that's just my opinion.
I'm Ready To Stab Your Characters Now: ☠☠☠☠
It was pretty cool to see Kyungsoo as a foster parent, something I don't normally see in fanfiction. But, when you said, "Well, he is never a foster parent to anyone around his age before.", does that mean he's around 18-19? To me, it's pretty strange that someone aged 18-19 is a foster parent. Kyungsoo seems like a nice person though, since he offers to take care of orphans. I like how he seems like a really happy person on the outside, but he's fragile on the inside.
At first, I couldn't really predict what Julia's personality would be like. In the beginning, she seemed sort of mysterious and broken. That's all I could really tell about Julia's personality. In my opinion, I don't think you described the characters all too well. The characters seem realistic, other than Kyungsoo being a foster parent when he's 18-19. But maybe try to elaborate on their personalities more to help the reader better understand the plotline.
Are You Sure You Know What You're Doing?: ☠☠
The plot is just.. wow. Amazing. Normally, lots of fanfiction are just the same old my-lover-left-me-now-I'll-sob-forever. But yours was different; something that could touch the readers' hearts. It's great how Kyungsoo moved on rather than mourning over the past, because too much fanfics are like that and it can get kind of repetitive.
Your plotline wasn't too fast paced, and everything happened at just the right time. It seemed realistic. I especially liked the ending of your story. It wasn't a "we're getting married now!" type of ending, but one that was heartwarming and was actually realistic. Props to you for that!
Although this was a very amazing plot, I didn't find it all too exciting. It has the ability to touch many readers' hearts, yes, but I wasn't on the edge of my seat to find out what happens next. You could have added some twists and turns to the plot to throw the reader off edge, as well as make it more interesting to read. Some parts were boring and lacked lots of excitement which was one of the negatives of your plot. Other than that, it was great and I think you did an amazing job planning out your storyline.
The plot is just.. wow. Amazing. Normally, lots of fanfiction are just the same old my-lover-left-me-now-I'll-sob-forever. But yours was different; something that could touch the readers' hearts. It's great how Kyungsoo moved on rather than mourning over the past, because too much fanfics are like that and it can get kind of repetitive.
Your plotline wasn't too fast paced, and everything happened at just the right time. It seemed realistic. I especially liked the ending of your story. It wasn't a "we're getting married now!" type of ending, but one that was heartwarming and was actually realistic. Props to you for that!
Although this was a very amazing plot, I didn't find it all too exciting. It has the ability to touch many readers' hearts, yes, but I wasn't on the edge of my seat to find out what happens next. You could have added some twists and turns to the plot to throw the reader off edge, as well as make it more interesting to read. Some parts were boring and lacked lots of excitement which was one of the negatives of your plot. Other than that, it was great and I think you did an amazing job planning out your storyline.
Better Stay In School and Listen to your English professor: ☠☠☠
You should probably proof-read through your stories a bit more thoroughly. Some of the sentences didn't make sense and you didn't use the proper tenses.
For example: He always watches the girl who is sitting under the tree with her knees lean against her chest and her arms wrap around her knees.
It should be: He always watches the girl sitting under the tree, her knees leaning against her chest and her arms wrapping around them.
It should be: He always watches the girl sitting under the tree, her knees leaning against her chest and her arms wrapping around them.
Another error you had was: She does not talk to them leave alone play with them.
Correction: She doesn't talk to them, let alone play with them.
Correction: She doesn't talk to them, let alone play with them.
Error: One day, he does not know where the courage comes from, all he knows that his feet brings him, making steps towards the unknown girl.
Correction: He didn't know where the courage came from, but one day his feet began to step towards the unknown girl.
Correction: He didn't know where the courage came from, but one day his feet began to step towards the unknown girl.
Error: His brain is screaming for him to stop but his heart earns to approach the girl.
Correction: His brain is screaming for him to stop, but his heart yearns to approach the girl.
Correction: His brain is screaming for him to stop, but his heart yearns to approach the girl.
There was other mistakes as well, but these are just a few from the beginning of the oneshot (since I don't want to fill this space up with all your errors). Also, some of your sentence startings were redundant. You would often use he, she or the in the beginnings of your sentences. I reccommend using synonyms to start off your sentences because repetitiveness can make your writing boring.
Another thing you did incorrectly was sometimes you used the usage of commas wrong. For example: The little boy gulps when his two feet finally stops moving, right in front of the girl.
There shouldn't be a comma inbetween moving and right. Use a comma when making a list, for example: eggs, water, milk. Also use commas before conjunctions, such as "and", "but", "nor", "yet" etc. You also use commas when you separate two elements in a sentence. For example: He hit the ball, dropped the bat, and ran to first base. Try searching up how to use a comma if you want a better description of commas and when to use them.
There shouldn't be a comma inbetween moving and right. Use a comma when making a list, for example: eggs, water, milk. Also use commas before conjunctions, such as "and", "but", "nor", "yet" etc. You also use commas when you separate two elements in a sentence. For example: He hit the ball, dropped the bat, and ran to first base. Try searching up how to use a comma if you want a better description of commas and when to use them.
I liked your diverse vocabulary, though. You used a lot of descriptive words to really liven up your work and make it more interesting. Just make sure you proof read through your writing before posting it so you catch any little mistakes.
I Can See Why You Like Writing Better Than Arts: ☠☠
The poster and background really matched the genre of your story and I think it went well with the theme you were portraying with this piece. I was a bit iffy with the background though. It wasn't very appealing in my opinion, maybe you could have gone for something like a matte grey. Your background sort of looks like tinfoil and I don't think tinfoil matches with your story. The poster was beautiful, though!
The poster and background really matched the genre of your story and I think it went well with the theme you were portraying with this piece. I was a bit iffy with the background though. It wasn't very appealing in my opinion, maybe you could have gone for something like a matte grey. Your background sort of looks like tinfoil and I don't think tinfoil matches with your story. The poster was beautiful, though!
*YAAAWNNNN* Meter: ☠☠☠
As I said in the plot section, your story lacked some excitement in some places. It is a very lengthly plot, but maybe adding some unexpected turns in the story could really liven it up and make the reader more engaged in the story. I didn't really find this exciting at all, and maybe that's what you were going for, but even if you're writing something angsty, excitement in a story is always a key factor.
Overall, I loved your plot, work on your grammar a bit (and proofread!), beautiful appearance, not too much excitement going on.
VERDICT: ☠☠☠/☠☠☠☠☠
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