Ripped: Fettered By Time
☠I'll Rip Your Story to Bits.☠ Reviews && Fanfic Help [Closed]
Title: Fettered By Time
Author: deliberatemistake
Reviewer: dubumints
Status: Picked-up and credited.
Your Story is Called What?!: ☠☠☠
Your title is gramatically correct but it's not at all catchy. Not only that, I doubt that most people know what Fettered means and most likely, they won't click on a story that has the kind of title they couldn't completely comprehend.
Your title is gramatically correct but it's not at all catchy. Not only that, I doubt that most people know what Fettered means and most likely, they won't click on a story that has the kind of title they couldn't completely comprehend.
So this Thing Right Here...That's a Description and a Foreword...? You've Got to be Kidding Me!: ☠☠☠☠
I think that you're trying to have your description come off as dramatic and mysterious. However, it lacked content enough to make it just that. I actually read those two lines about five times and it really didn't have any impact on me. It was boring and lacked conviction and considering that it was the closest thing you have to introducing your story, you might want to fix it a little bit more. I have nothing much to say about your foreword since you only indicated there that it was an entry for a contest and stuff. What was strange was your little message telling the readers not to read before the poster arrives. I mean, what was that all about? Is the poster that important? By saying that, you'd actually be building the expectations and if your poster comes and it's not really that much brilliant, well then...:/
I'm Ready To Stab Your Characters Now: ☠☠☠☠
On Myungsoo: His character was okay, although really, you could have expounded on him more. You could have actually described on the earlier parts his perils, how he was pressured by everything he has to finish, a countdown would have been better too, but I'll discuss this more on the plot section.
There were a lot of scenes that Myungsoo was in that you could have made more detailed (and in turn, would have made your story much better) like for example, how he enjoys himself whenever he stops time, like maybe he gets free ice cream, or he can dance on the streets without any worries of anyone laughing at him, he could've peeked on the answer key for tomorrow's test or could've stolen a kiss from the school's queenka, just simple stuffs really that a normal guy couldn't do with time running and everyone conscious of his moves.
On Sungjong: His characterization disappointed me so much. I'm not sure why you scrimped on the details when it came to him. Was it because the shot was Myungsoo-centric or something? Nevertheless, Sungjong seemed so insignificant and that's not really helpful since he's 1/2 of Time, he's 1/2 of Myungsoo, and he's 1/2 of the fic. Why didn't you show how he discovered his abilities? How he practiced it? How he felt when he first saw Myungsoo? Why he wanted to die in the first place? (which was surprising, but once more, I'll discuss this on your plot category) So yes, Sungjong's character here for me is a fail. But since you said you're not yet really finished with the shot, I'm hoping you'll do some editing and insert some much needed Sungjong details.
Are You Sure You Know What You're Doing?: ☠☠☠☠
Okay, so the very idea of your plot actually intrigues me. I love this fantasy-type of fics and when I saw how you connected Time and having the ability to control it with being infinitize almost had me impressed.
Anyway, what disappointed me was the lack of details. Did the contest gave you a limited number of words or something, because if there's no such rule, then I say go and write, write, and write, and expound more! As I've mentioned before on L, you could've made his ability clearer and you would have made the reader feel more awe if you demonstrated more what he could do with Time. To be honest, I don't get why he doesn't age like everyone else, I mean I know he can stop time but isn't it that everyone else is frozen as well and everything else just resumes once L ceases to stop time? So why is everyone aging but not him? Does that come with his Time-controlling abilities?
For Sungjong, as I've also mentioned before, he lacked so much as an introduction. (which was merely given by Sungyeol but that's not good enough) I wish you've shown how they discovered each other's abilities and maybe included some lovey dovey parts (it's just as you've said, but it was so minor that if I was a shipper, my myungjong heart wouldn't have rejoiced so much) just so you could've created an impact when they decided to die together. Because again, I didn't feel anything when Myungsoo decided to save him and when they also decided to do what they did. I don't even understand why Jong wanted to die in the first place. Was it because of too much love for L? Because you failed to show that as well.
The last line, which I guess, was supposed to be sad, failed to pull that emotion out of me too.
Well, overall, the plot was not maximized and it was disappointing, considering it would've been amazing if done correctly.
Better Stay In School and Listen to that English Professor: ☠
I'm not going to scold you here because your English writing skills is almost impeccable. Just take note of the punctuations! I also commend you for using appropriate words, I think eloquent wording is always best used for angst! So good job here!
I Can See Why You Like Writing Better Than Arts: ☠☠☠
No poster and background and nothing really special in your aesthetics department. But since I read your foreword, I'm actually anticipating what kind of poster you'll be putting up in the future.
*YAAAWNNNN* Meter: ☠☠☠
I wasn't bored to be honest, but I was frustrated with how little your shot contains. I understand that you're trying to limit yourself to writing more just so you could see if you can still produce great results but it's not at all advisable when the quality is sacrificed. Your fic also lacked emotions. Remember that details are almost equal to the emotions you can pull out of your readers so these two go hand-in-hand. So make sure to use it wisely!
VERDICT: ☠☠☠/☠☠☠☠☠
Please take note that this review was done at the time when your poster wasn't released yet.
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